Thursday, March 23, 2023
HomeRelationship Advice23 (f) my boyfriends disturbing (sexual) sleep habits make it really hard...

23 (f) my boyfriends disturbing (sexual) sleep habits make it really hard to sleep next to him, had an argument this morning

Hi all. Bit of a weird one; for ages I thought my boyfriend would just get horny at night and deliberately instigate sex. It was always a bit more aggressive than daytime hours but I thought it was fine. However he would always make comments saying how I woke him up again for sex which I found really weird as it was the other way round? Anyway, a month and a bit ago I realised he actually is sleeping during these encounters. Sometimes he has woke me up by choking me and sticking his tongue down my throat, and I find it really scary that he doesn’t remember any of it and is asleep. I feel bad too because I don’t feel like it’s him, and he doesn’t even know it’s me; I could be anyone.

Also, the whole time we have dated I have been aware that he has horny night time dreams – he moans and touches himself and I managed to put up with it before. But on top of the recent revelations I now find it impossible to sleep next to him because the noises keep me awake and it makes me insecure ; I feel like he is fantasising about fucking other girls all night and I have to listen to it.

I had a really bad sleep last night again for the 4th or 5th night in a row because of it, and I started crying before he went to work and brought it up and he kicked off and got super angry asking me ‘why would I say something like that’. I get he can’t help it and why he would be defensive but I’ve literally been trying to knock myself out with sleeping pills to spare him the embarrassment of confronting the situation. I also get it was the wrong time of me to bring it up but I was tired and emotional.

I really love him and our waking life is perfect – the problem is he sleeps soundly at night while I am awake dealing with all this. So I dread the nights and the pissed of feeling I have at night is bleeding into my day to day with him. What do I do? He’s gone to work now and I left his so won’t see him for a few days, and I left his on bad terms this morning … I really don’t want this to damage us

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  1. Second “sleep separately”.

    Also get a camera so he can see what he does in his sleep. He may initially have a hard time accepting this about himself.

  2. Neither you nor your boyfriend recognize what is going on here.

    First, you need to make yourself physically safe. That means sleeping in another room; ideally locked.

    Second, this isn’t something to be angry about. He could be fantasizing about having sex with other girls. But he likely isn’t. And, regardless, he can’t control his dreams. Or what he says in his sleep. Don’t get angry over that — that doesn’t address the issue. And he isn’t even aware of it. But, please note you do need to make yourself safe by not sleeping in the same room.

    Third, the issue. He has a sleep disorder and needs medical treatment.

    Good luck.

  3. As the other advice here states, you need to start sleeping separately and he needs to talk to doctor about this because it sounds like a sleep disorder. Don’t go back to sleeping with him until he addresses it.

  4. Sleep separately, but he needs to see a sleep specialist ASAP.

    Sexsomnia is a real sleep disorder, but can be treated if he seeks help. I’d also get yourself into therapy to help you deal with what he’s been doing, because it’s not healthy for your mental health.

    You both deserve peaceful, safe sleep. So, sleep away from him and encourage him to see a doctor.

  5. Been in the boyfriend’s shoes here. He’s a sleepwalker. As others stated go sleep in a diff place and lock the door. Do not attempt to wake him up. Let him ride it out.

    He needs a sleep study done if it’s this frequent.

    If things start going missing around the home (I have a tendency to hide things in my sleep) get a home camera so you can see where he stashes things.

    Don’t be too freaked out (even tho it is very creepy).

  6. Your health and safety is at risk. Not only is he interfering with your ability to get a sound night’s sleep but he’s CHOKED you while he’s asleep and (presumably) not in control of his own actions. This is serious. I had a boyfriend who was a sleepwalker/talker and, while he was perfectly gentle and fine while awake, could become VERY aggressive and lash out violently when having a sleepwalking episode. (He actually ended up having other issues as well which may have been tied to his disturbing behavior when asleep – some time after we broke up, he ended up arrested & had a restraining order placed on him for putting hidden cameras in a female roommate’s bathroom and bedroom.)

    You need to insist on sleeping on your own and that he seek medical attention, ideally with a sleep specialist. If he refuses then, unfortunately, love is not going to be enough to save the relationship. He doesn’t love YOU in return if he refuses to seek help for actions that are damaging and threatening YOUR well-being.

  7. Sleep in another room with it locked. Tell him its for your safety and being able to actually get sleep every night. And. If he has a problem with you tkaing care of your health then that might be a sign to think over this whole relationship. Also tell him whiel you do this he needs a sleep study done

  8. So unfortunately in this situation your boyfriend seems to have a rare form of sleep walking disorder.

    This is a medical condition and does not indicate something is wrong with your boyfriends mind when awake.

    That being said, this form of sleep walking disorder has been proven to be extremely dangerous. In this state his mind is in REM without any inhibitors that typically paralyze our body. That means he will be in a completely different world and situation mentally than in reality. He will act extremely unpredictable and unknowing on what he is doing. He is in a dream mentally and his body is just carrying out what he is doing.

    He likely is unaware of this, but it also means he will eventually hurt you if you dont take necessary precautions.

    Talk with a Somnologist or any other neurologist about this with your boyfriend. Take videos and recordings to show him what is going on and come up with a plan moving forward.

    Obviously this is a medical condition, unfortunately that means you either have to deal with the risks associated or leave.

  9. I don’t think you should blame him for his dreams, he’s not doing that on purpose.

    But I do think you should sleep separately. There’s nothing wrong with it, many couples do so that it allows both to have a better night’s sleep. If everything else is perfect, and sleep is the only issue, it’s an easy solution.

  10. As someone whose been in this exact same scenario before, but from your boyfriend’s perspective (minus the sexual aggression and anger) it could be true. But, it’s his problem. He must find a way to solve it if hits bothering you and causing sleep deprivation.

  11. If he’s asleep, he’s got bigger problems to deal with. First thing you should do is get yourself where you feel safe. It sounds like he’s traumatizing you. He’s not trying to please you or himself or being loving. Those are the only acceptable reasons for sex. Sleep sex. Or doing so against your will or even as you describe, and you have to endure his sleep sex whatever, terrors or what? That’s all not ok.

    I’d go sleep in another room. And frankly if he’s going to disregard when you discuss it with him and it’s bring you to tears, no hon, he’s not being great and loving during waking hours. You’re not seeing it objectively.

    Your primary job is to look out for yourself. I’m here to tell you that based on what you said, he’s not truly taking care of you. I can’t believe you are taking sleeping pills to help him? You can get addicted to those.

    No. Please make new plans for yourself. You’re young and have so much in front of you and this does not sound like a loving relationship. Women need to protect themselves from sexual abuse and I’m sorry but this is some sort of abuse. He may not mean to do it but the f he knows he’s doing it and gets mad at YOU FOR IT? That is the abuse part. So no. If you were my daughter or my friend, and I am a woman who’s a SA survivor, I’d take you out of there right away.

    Please go sleep in another space tonight. Couch or whatever. Make plans tomorrow for some kind of change. Call home. Tell mom and dad. I’m sorry you’re forced to deal with something like this.

  12. You really can’t tip toe around with this, clearly communicate the issue without pointing fingers he needs to know you are being affected by something that might not be his fault but if he doesn’t actively take action to change or take you into consideration I’d say leave. you shouldn’t suffer it will drive you into resentment and just make things worse. Put your peace of mind above all else. I went through something similar and I let my bf know bc to a point I rather not sleep with him at all and he mellowed out it also brought us closer but he did it bc he loves me and doesn’t want to push me away. I hope you find a solution<333

  13. holy shit i thought that i was the only one whos ever experienced this. my ex used to touch me sexually while we were both sleeping and would never remember what he tried doing the next morning. i begged him to go to a doctor since i was essentially being assaulted in my sleep and didn’t feel safe in my own bed but he never did and it led to our breakup.

  14. Do NOT take sleeping pills! Sleeping pills can be addictive but you also don’t want to put yourself in a position where it is difficult for you to wake up while sleeping next to/in the same house someone who might harm you. I’m not saying your boyfriend is a bad person necessarily, but he is not safe to be around until he takes steps to treat this condition. He is also disrupting your sleep schedule, and a lack of sleep can be detrimental to your health and safety on its own.

    Sleep in a separate room (with a lock preferably) and do not take sleeping pills. Be careful!

  15. My husband is like this too, the civilian term is Sexsomnia, although it does have a real medical name I can’t recall. He’s not aggressive, but he can be a little rough in his sleep, so sometimes it is a bit of a rude wake up call. Usually I just wake him up enough for him to be conscious and ask if he wants to continue, and if he says no we both go back to sleep. However if it’s so severe that he’s choking you or otherwise hurting you in his sleep, he should see a doctor and try to find some solutions for this. Give him a few days to chill and calmly try to bring it up again. If he refuses to try and find a solution, then tell him you won’t be sharing a bed with him anymore. If he’s literally at the point of choking you in his sleep, there’s no telling how far it can go when he’s not completely in control of his actions. You need to protect yourself until this problem is resolved.

  16. Put a camera to record what happens at night, then show it to him and expose it in 4k so that he can believe about his problem, half insomnia, half sexual, and be motivated to seek the professional help he needs. If he refuses, I recommend cutting ties and walking away for your own safety.

  17. My friend’s husband has this. He would be aggressively initiating sex several times a night and groping her. She was barely getting any sleep and he wouldn’t remember a thing, even if they had sex. Have you actually talked to him about how bad this is? Like what he’s actually doing to you, not just “stop being horndog at night you’re disrupting my sleep.” Because if I heard I was doing those things to my partner I would be utterly mortified and go to a doctor right away. Which is what he needs to do by the way.

    It’s a sleep disorder. When my friend’s husband found out what he’d been doing he tied himself down to sleep until his doctors appointment. He was told to start cpap therapy at night for mild sleep apnea. His nighttime sexual dysfunction stopped immediately. I also sleep with a cpap for sleep apnea but never had any of those issues. The brain is fucking wild.

    Either way, I would stop sleeping in the same bed until he sees a doctor and gets help. Sleep deprivation and his violent outbursts make this an unsafe environment for you.

  18. Sorry to hear about your situation. I can relate to it because my ex used to snore like a tractor and I never got any sleep. It made it harder in the morning to communicate about the problem, and she made out like it was MY fault for not being able to sleep, when all the time she got a perfect nights sleep and did not seem to understand the problem. Yes seperate rooms is the answer for now and then if he finally works out he has a problem he must agree to a sleep study if you have a future. And set up a camera so he can see what he does when asleep then he might see he has a problem. I once tried recording my ex with my phonew when she was snoring, but she woke up and got angry at me for doing so like it wasd my problem,. good luck,

  19. Next time he initiate, slap him to wake him up!

    No but seriously, wake him up. Ask him if he’s conscious.
    Let him see what’s happening.
    Thank ask him to seek professional help.
    He has sleeping disorder.

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