Friday, March 24, 2023
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Advice on how to deal with my relationship with my sister after she threw herself at my boyfriend

Hello all, my sister (22f) and I (29f) have been pretty close our whole lives, I have her name tattooed on me, etc. I always had a special bond with her because she is adopted and I never wanted her to feel like she was any less a part of the family because of it. I considered our relationship to be precious and sacred to me.

We live far-ish apart and see eachother at family get togethers approximately 1-2x per year. She has this habit of acting sort of distant and in her own world during these, because she wants people to sort of pander to her. It’s an attention seeking behavior. Last summer, right before our big family trip, in which my boyfriend (28m) was coming, we spoke on the phone. She was apologizing to me for her behavior during previous trips, saying she realizes how immature it is and assures me it won’t happen again. I did not bring this topic up, she just came out and said this to me. I really appreciated it.

Trip comes around. Same old behavior, but worse this time. Not only acting distant, but being kind of b\*tchy too, which was new. I was patient with her BS at first, but then quickly got tired of it and decided she can just come hang out when she is done acting childish. I then noticed that I was the only person she was acting this way with, in fact, whenever she was alone with my boyfriend, it was a complete 180. Giggling, acting silly, etc. I was like, wow ok. But I was happy that they were getting along, so that my boyfriend would have an enjoyable trip.

Throughout the trip, I did observe some pathetic attention seeking behavior from her, such as wearing a bikini and attempting to look sexy, etc. Overall just trying to appear attractive/cute or whatever. But she always does that kind of crap (even for FAMILY) so I didn’t think she was doing it specifically for my boyfriend. Why the hell would I think that??! She is my SISTER. I wouldn’t come 1000 feet near a situation where it might look like I was attempting to get sexual attention from one of her boyfriends, so I would assume that this respect would go both ways.

On the second to last day of the trip, she was still acting like a total B to me for no reason. I was pretty shocked and annoyed she really let this go on through the entire trip, and waste the entire time we had to spend together. I just focused my attention towards ensuring my boyfriend had a good time instead. Anyway, there was a moment where I saw, in full view, my sister do something I will never forget. She straight up intentionally reached across the table halfway bent over, in a way so that her ass was literally right in my boyfriends face. This was 100% intentional, I watched the entire thing. Her asshole was like a centimeter from his nose. It was one of the trashiest attention wh\*re sights I have seen. Suddenly it all hit me: she was acting like a B the whole time because she was jealous. Apparently her self esteem is so deplorably low that she was more concerned about getting an instance of validation and attention (which she did not get) from my boyfriend, than respecting her relationship with me, who has always loved and protected her, and made her know she is the most important person in the world to me. Our eyes met whole she was mid-ass-to-face, and she looked like a deer caught in headlights. She knows exactly what she did.


I immediately lost complete and total respect for her. I have a habit of just kind of “flicking people away” who wrong me, and that’s what I did with her immediately. I am not stewing in anger or anything, I just basically don’t give a sh\*t about her since that moment. She did not reach out to me for MONTHS after that, which was perfectly fine with me. When she finally did, she immediately asked why I am mad at her (who said I was mad at her? I didn’t tell anyone I was mad at her…. she knows exactly why). I told her I am not interested in discussing that with her and I will talk to her when I am ready to do so.

The reason I don’t want to get into specifics is because a) she f\*cking knows why, and b) she is not going to admit it to me – likely not even to herself. So what is the point?

Any advice on where to go from here is appreciated, I really don’t feel the need to resolve things as I don’t know if I will ever see her the same way again. I am pretty uninterested in her altogether as of now. I am not crazy mad, will still be kind to her at gatherings, etc. Just not the same relationship, no respect for her and no trust. I basically view her as a pathetic attention-seeking sl\*t now. But I am just not sure if that is the most responsible or healthy way to continue the dynamic. I would just like to get some outside perspective on the whole thing, any thoughts are welcome.

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  1. Unfortunately we don’t chose our family. Distance yourself as much as possible.
    However, you need to write down a detailed description of her inappropriate behavior. Don’t sign or explain it just send it to her.

  2. You do respond to her. You respond with:

    “You know EXACTLY what you did and in doing so you showed tremendous disrespect to me as your sister and to my boyfriend. I am not angry. I just lost every shred of respect I EVER had for you when you decided to pull the little stunt you pulled on vacation. Go to therapy. You desperately need it. “

  3. The best thing would have been for BF to say to her “You better not fart with your ass so close to my face”

    Any future times she tries this, let BF put her in her place.

  4. Yes I would keep the LC because she’s a narcissist and those ppl hardly get better simply because they don’t want to admit they’re sick. So I think you should stay away from her until she comes to you then that’s a step forward and even then she has to admit she was trying to take your bf from you then you know she is actually seeing herself for what she is

  5. First off, when she did that to your boyfriend while you were standing there, you should have slapped the shit out of her. You already know the answer, cut her ass off. No contact, no texting, I wouldn’t even go to family gatherings if she would be there. I know from experience, when you cut people off, it eats at their soul.

    They’re never the same again.

  6. I had a similar situation with my cousin (who my parents adopted when her mother died), we were really close during childhood and I tried to close my eyes at some of her antics for a long time, but unfortunately you can’t have a relationship with someone who doesn’t want it, so by the age of 25 we went NC and I kind of had to let it go. Granted, it was a bit easier because she destroyed her relationship not only with me, but with the better part of our family as well.
    I don’t wish her anything bad or something like that and if she was in trouble and asked for help, I would help her, but I just don’t consider her family anymore, more like somebody that I used to know, maybe that’s the way for you too.( or maybe not, just sharing personal experiences.)))

  7. I have a narcissistic older sister.

    It’s taken me many years of going through absolute bewilderment from her behaviour, to “diagnose” her as this.

    She can’t be reasoned with, she’s never wrong, she goes off at you out of the blue, and values herself as the matriarch of our family.

    But now that I have figured it out, I STAY THE HELL AWAY FROM HER. Lol

    Mate, it’s just not worth the drama and wrinkles. Good luck

  8. I think you are really responding the right and healthy way by not caring. People who are vain hate it when others just don’t care and ignore them. This is also better for your own mental well-being, too. Why be the one who is losing sleep and thinking about the situation if she’s the one with the problem!

    If things change, you’ll review your stance accordingly.

  9. Suggest therapy to her, to help with her abandonment issues and attention seeking behaviour.

    Let her know that her issues caused her to act like a brat and that she crossed your boundary when she behaved like that to you and your boyfriend…to the point where she has irreparably damaged your relationship.

    That you wish for her to get help so that she doesn’t damage her other relationships, out of respect for what you previously felt towards her.

  10. Don’t discuss the incident, as you’re right, she will deny and spin a different tale. I suggest you come from a different angle. Tell her that you’ve been observing her for many months / years, and realize that she has become someone you no longer respect or trust. Urge her to focus on getting well and suggest therapy. If she claims absolute ignorance and has no idea what you’re talking about, just say “I’m confident you know exactly what I am talking about” – and she should self-reflect. Then bid her good-bye. Keep rinsing and repeating every time she calls. It’s up to her to fix herself.

  11. I would erase or cover the tattoo. She’s not your sister. She’s someone who wants you to suffer because of her own issues. She’s using you as a doormat, you’re not a sister for her.

  12. She sounds like a narcissist. They often use underhanded and covert tactics to be annoying and cause problems. And they love doing it whenever there is plausible deniability and making you seem like the crazy or paranoid person.

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