Thursday, March 23, 2023
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Am I (29f) wrong for being upset Fiance (29m) is doing a couples costume with someone else?

Some background info: my fiance of 8 years and I have been going through a rough patch for a bit of time now. He works retail and works closely with a woman our age. Over the past few months they have gotten quite friendly with each other and texting almost every day even on their days off. They have bought coffees for each other, he’s gone in on his days off to “help her” when she’s asked him to and one of his texts to her says she is “the nicest person he’s ever met”. This has left me pretty uncomfortable as he has a history with infidelity, and while I don’t have actual physical proof something is going on, I have the same feeling as when he’s cheated in the past. When I’ve brought up how uncomfortable this makes me, he’s dismissive of my feelings, saying they’re “just friendly” and there’s nothing more going on than that. I have caught him in two lies regarding her and their interactions and when I have brought them up to talk about he’s gotten defensive and sarcastic and it turns into this big argument where I end up feeling like I’m the issue for not trusting him and I end up apologizing. He has also stated that I can no longer look at his phone, and keeps it close by at all times now when prior he never cared and I would go on it all the time, even just play music in the car, google something really quickly, etc. I didn’t solely go on his phone to snoop. Just once these interactions with her started did I start doing that.

For Halloween, some people at the department are going to be dressing up, and she brought up the idea of them doing a couple costume. He was texting her saying how he’s excited and wants to dress up with her and how they will definitely win. They narrowed down two couples costumes. When I found this out I was very upset because he had still not put up boundaries to make me feel secure despite me telling him how uncomfortable this makes me, and because he has not even mentioned doing anything with me for Halloween which we’ve done every year now. When we talked about it last, he told me he “still doesn’t know if he’s going to dress up with her or do something on his own” (even though the texts I read between the two confirmed he was dressing up with her and she was buying hers that night). He told me that “it’s not a big deal. she has a long term boyfriend and two kids. It’s a work thing and we thought it would be funny to dress up together since we’re team leads”.

We haven’t talked about it since, or about anything for that matter. I know they’re going to be dressing up together and it bothers me a lot. Mostly because my feelings aren’t being considered and how he’s lied and hid things about her to me prior. I know if the shoe was on the other foot I 1.wouldn’t even be doing this to begin with and 2. if for some reason I were and he felt uncomfortable with it, I would stop it immediately as to not cause harm to him. Am I being overdramatic about this?

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  1. So, your fiancé has a history of cheating, history of abusing you, has gotten close to this new coworker that he talks to everyday, goes in on his days off to “help” her (bullshit), gets defensive when your bring up his coworker, and now has gotten more secretive with his phone. Then on top of that, he’s doing a couple’s costume with her? Which is the least of your worries if we’re being honest. It’s just the cherry on top of the shit cake.

    You cannot be serious. Even if he wasn’t cheating with this coworker (he is) I’m struggling to understand why you even stay at this point. He has shown you who he is and he will not change. I know what’s going on, you know what’s going on, Ray Charles could see what’s going on.

    The choice is yours. Either move on, or spend your life married to a cheater, a liar, and someone who treats you like shit. I know which option I’d choose. Just take a look at your post history, people are begging you to break up with this dude. Do you think this is what you deserve? In what universe would marrying this man be a good idea? He’s not going to get better, he’s only going to get worse. Do yourself a favor and leave now before you end up pregnant and tied to this guy for life. Please.

  2. Don’t apologize for getting suspicious when a known cheater acts shady. Who knows if anything’s going on here, though I’m certainly suspicious from what you’ve written, but the fact that he’s indignant makes me think that he doesn’t really acknowledge his past. I’m guessing it was a “I’ll never do it again, baby, I promise” and then a rug sweep.

  3. Why are you going to marry someone who cheated on you, won’t respect your boundaries, lies to you (and he’s keeping his phone away from you now?), and doesn’t care about your feelings?

    What exactly are you getting out of this relationship that’s worth putting up with all of that?

  4. He’s clearly cheating on you. The question is whether you are okay with that or not. He did it before and you stayed. He’s making it blatantly obvious that he’s with this girl, and you’re still staying (so far). So from his point of view he can only conclude that you are willing to accept it regardless of what you say about it, and is enjoying himself.

  5. Wouldn’t you rather be dating a guy who treats you well and is faithful to you, instead of running around trying to guard a fiance who doesnt respect you and cheats on you and is currently either cheating or about to with his “work wife”?

  6. This whole thing isn’t ok, and I would pretty much leave him. I wouldn’t be able to live with the what if’s. He’s cheated before and pretty much doesn’t give a shit about your feelings. So… why are you staying?

  7. Does she have a boyfriend? Also, how are the texts between them?

    One one level, plenty of friends team up with similar costumes for silly work costume party events. On another, you know he’s lying to you and he has a history of cheating.

    Trust your instincts.

  8. This at the very least is emotionally cheating if he hasn’t crossed the line into physically cheating.

    Respect yourself and leave. Do not marry this man.
    You’re also young, don’t waste any more time with him and start to move on and heal.

  9. You have experienced him cheating and you are not putting boundaries around this relationship? There is something going on with him for sure, and unless you stand up to him, you are going to continue to be treated badly. Ignoring this is bad, and it will not keep him. It may be too late for that at this point. I am so sorry you feel you don’t deserve better.

  10. Do you not think that you deserve to be happy? We only get one go at this game, why are you wasting yours with someone who clearly doesn’t care about your happiness?

  11. I haven’t even finished a paragraph and this is what I’ve got so far.

    – history of cheating
    – gaslights you
    – now hiding his phone
    – caught out in 2 lies already.

    My head is in my hands, OP – christ, a couples costume is the least of your worries.

    Dump this guy and get some therapy.

  12. His behavior has told you in every single way possible, he does not respect you and knows he can get away with cheating. LISTEN to what his words and actions are telling you. He does not care. Period. Get some self respect and leave.

  13. I’m sorry but I don’t feel bad for you. This is what happens when you allow someone to cheat on you. He’s already cheated. You stayed with him anyways. Now he knows he can do it again without any real consequences. I don’t know what to tell you. Like, yes he is gonna cheat on you, this isn’t gonna be the last time, he will do it again, so you are either okay with it and stay with him just how you’ve done all these years, or dump him and find someone that is loyal. I dont know. That’s the only advice I can give you.

  14. You are being under dramatic about this.

    He has a history of cheating. You repeatedly catch him lying. That on it’s own is enough reason to leave.

    But you’re sitting here wondering how you should feel about this serial chester spending all his time with another woman.

    Dont be upset. Just be gone.

  15. Wise up, Hon. Once a cheater always a cheater.

    Question is: why is your self esteem so low that you’ve repeatedly allowed this toxic relationship to continue?

    Please get therapy so you can discover your self-worth and dump this louse.

  16. once a cheater always a cheater doesn’t really apply here imo. Truth is, he’s just not that into you. Dating for 8 years but won’t marry you means there a problem with YOU. He finds the other girl more attractive, exciting, and fun. The problem is he is trapped and has settled for you. Cut him free so he can live his best life because he is too much of a coward to break up with you like he wants to.

  17. I don’t think you’re being over dramatic. But I also think it’s pointless.

    You have way bigger issues than being ditched via Halloween costume. The way I see it, your problem is undoing the fact that you’re married to a proven cheater, who’s continuing to cheat, continuing to mess with your trust, and continuing to engage in untrustworthy behavior.

    But you seem to be trying to fix petty bullshit to stay with this loser. Why?

    You obviously don’t care about being cheated on over and over or you wouldn’t still be with him. So why bother posting? Keep letting yourself being treated like trash, you’re clearly getting something out of this arrangement or you would have left long ago.

    Serial cheaters are awful but I lose sympathy for their spouses when despite being given mountains of evidence they continue to stay and complain.

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