TD;LR (on mobile sorry for format)
Me 29 (F) and my partner 30(M) were together for a year and were extremely sexually active.. extremely.. We broke up for around 3-4 months we were both going through alot change of career and lockdowns and bickering when we didn’t need to be. We have been back together for just over another year so all in all 2 year long relationship with a bit of added drama in the middle.
When we got back together I found out he had been with other women in that time. Logically I know I can’t be upset but it has caused some distrust from me due to the circumstances surrounding it. And sligjtly relevant to why i get insecure for the lack of intimacy. Anyways, We have worked through it and since moved in together have a dog and generally our relationship is really good.
We live well together laugh, make fun, go out enjoy eachothers company, we communicate, do nice things for eachother, both thoughtfull etc (occasionally well) alike all relationships that’s a work in progress some times but we are learning and both trying really hard to make things work.
However…. since being back together our sex hasn’t been the same. Still enjoyable and satisfying but the frequency is honestly just not there for me. Maybe twice three times tops a week sometimes once a week.
He has been doing alot of therapy work for past trauma in his life I’ve been 100% supportive of that but to give more context he used to be a sex addict and now he says he still wants it and is attracted to me and enjoys it with me but his mind isn’t occupied by sex anymore (and he has done alot ALOT Of therapy work around this which I’m grateful for as it somewhat caused our split) he alos rarely masturbates anymore. Occasionally but not regularly and as far as I know hasn’t when sex with me is an option. We are both shift workers so occasionally we won’t see eachother properly for a couple days until times align.
I feel like an ahole for wanting it more but occasionally he will reject my advances saying we had sex yestersay or I’m tired or I’m not in the mood please respect that. And I try but I feel like my needs aren’t being met. Maybe I’m just to sexually active? I guess I want more physical touch and attention and flirtation and passion from him. Yes we have been together for a couple years now but realistically not that long.
He does try show affection and intimacy outside of sex but It just not enough and I don’t know what the middle ground is how to compromise and how to stop myself from becomming insecure and suspicious of him when sometimes maybe he just wants to cuddle and sleep. But my mind wonders and starts thinking maybe his relapsing or uninterested and I really really don’t want to cause problems where there aren’t any.
I’m not an unattractive or Unappealing woman but it affects my confidence when I’m rejected and also leaves me.. frustrated. Am I being too much? Too needy?
I need unbiased opinions.
Mismatches in libido in relationships aren’t easy to address.
I’ll focus on a few points here:
-you said he was a sex addict and has done some therapy work to overcome it, that means that the past sexual pace wasn’t a healthy one for him and he’s actually having sex when he really likes it and wants it. 1 to 3 times a week is a normal and decent pace.
-I also understand you needing more. But asking for more when you know he’s not able to provide that is only going to make you feel rejected and make him feel pressured for sex. Your intentions don’t matter here, that’s just what will happen. In turn this might make him want sex even less if it starts feel like an obligation. So I say instead of focusing on sex, focus on non-sexual intimacy. And don’t do it with the expectation of sex either. Just enjoy cuddling, touching, hugs/kisses in a non-sexual context.
-Do you have a higher libido or are you associating sex with love and desire? That’s an important question to ask. Do you use sex to verify he’s still attracted to you? Have you really gotten over your insecurities of him being with other women when you broke up (he did nothing wrong but feelings are rarely logical) ? If you’re using sex to reassure your insecurities then this issue will only continue to grow until the overthinking erases your trust in his feelings for you completely.
-You have to decide: do you want to be with him or not? Is sexual satisfaction more important to you than the relationship or not? (Nothing wrong with it if it is you just have to know your priorities). In a long term relationship libidos rarely match all the time, there will be periods of mismatching on both sides. It’s about working together and finding other ways to express intimacy. But it’s a lot of work. Don’t do it if you’d rather just be with someone matching your libido instead.
It’s hard to be unbiased since we all have different libido.
For some people once a week is enough, for others 3 times might be not enough.
Generaly, I think 3 times a week is pretty decent number.
But I can’t realize is it the intimacy you seek or the sex. Because you can be intimate without having sex.
Also, at one point you said the sex isn’t as it used to be, and than you said it’s the frequency.
Which one is it? Both?
Two or three times a week is normal for a long term relationship
Yes you are.
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