Saturday, May 27, 2023
HomeRelationship AdviceAm I reading too much into this???

Am I reading too much into this???

My bf has a new housemate, a woman. She’s a single mum. She’s not very attractive but has a big bright personality.

She is very friendly to my bf and also very friendly to me. She hits my bf on the arm when making jokes.

Today she reminded us about how she’s going out for 45 minutes and hinted at us having sex while she was gone. She laughs a lot when saying this. She said “if it smells different in here I’ll know!” And cackles loudly.

Earlier she jokes about how the hot water is working and that he can have a shower if he wishes. I tell her he’s already had one and she hints at me having a bath and him using the sponge on me, saying it will give him bf points. She laughs again.

She also walks into our room on one occasion without knocking. We were holding hands and he pulls his away before she comes through.
When she goes out the door he decides to sit kinda seperately on the bed to me. He usually likes showing public affection so it’s weird.

On another occasion she knocks and asks a question at the door. He also pulls away from me afraid she’ll see or something.

Before he moved in with her, I asked him if it was ok if I visited him at the new place (just to be polite) and he said “she might get jealous with another woman in her house”. He said he’d ask her if it’s ok. I mean of course it is! I mean why the hell would she be jealous!!!

Now I don’t know what’s going on here!!
It’s odd. Any ideas or advice welcome.
I’m confused.


Me: Babe today when we were in bed holding hands, Ingrid walked in unexpectedly with some salmon and you pulled your hand away from me.

On another occasion you pulled away from me when she knocked looking for her son.

Also she made some jokes about us (sexual ones)
Like she’s going for 45 mins and we can have sex while she’s gone.

At one point she even suggested you bathe me…
Is that bothering you?

Him: Is that bothering you? That seems normal to me, to address the door

Me: Yeah the pulling away.

Him: What are you saying the issue is?

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  1. The sex comments could simply be bad jokes- I know many people that make inappropriate remarks and it’s not anything sinister. The issue is your bf pulling away and not wanting you to visit-does he have a crush on her??

  2. I would not jump to conclusions that he is interested or cheating.

    Some people simply feel weird being affectionate at home more so than in public. I hold hands with my wife and kiss her in public. But, if someone came into my room while we were under the covers I am move a bit over just so its not awkward during the convo.

    Your BF does need to tell her no coming into the room without knocking.

    If you are that bothered by these behaviors tell your BF. Then he can either tell her or you can yourself. If he tells you that its rude to say anything then you decide if you want to stick with him or not. Is it a deal breaker?

  3. >Before he moved in with her, I asked him if it was ok if I visited him at the new place

    Is she just his roommate, or is she also his landlord? If he just moved in to her place, he might be hesitant to push back. Particularly because nothing she’s done seems egregious.

  4. How has your bf been reacting to the jokes and comments? Honestly, I think him pulling away could be to avoid more comments from her. The jealous comment is kinda weird, but asking her if it’s okay for you to come over isn’t that odd I’d say. It’s still her living space, so it’s not bad practice for him to check in with her.

    I’d just be honest with him on how she makes you feel, and ask him what he thinks of her comments.

  5. I don’t like how she comfortably walks into his room WITHOUT knocking is the only concern i see here. Maybe he is taken by surprise when she bursts in the room. I know when ever my bf walks in the room suddenly i get scared and drop what ever I’m doing. She honestly sounds lonely…

  6. OP two things:
    1) From your post history you have serious insecurities and anxiety.
    2) please break up with your BF and leave him be. And for the love of god go to fucking therapy.

    For a bonus advice: Try as you may, you will NEVER prevent somebody from cheating. Trying so will only give you anxiety. You don’t have to trust them, you have to to trust yourself that if they fuck up, you will without skipping a beat leave.

  7. If she’s constantly making sex jokes then he most likely doesn’t want to encourage her by showing you affection in front of her. Considering they live together, he’s having to deal with her comments all the time.

  8. Honestly if I was in the bed with my gf and somebody walked in my room unannounced I’d probably flinch too.

    And if he just moved in, especially just moved into *her* place, he might not be trying to rock the boat.

  9. There are a couple of things at play here:


    She is likely acting the way she is because she feels awkward about being what is essentially a “third wheel.” She might be afraid that her time there is limited because your BF will want you to move in instead, so she’s doing her best to fit in and doing her best to “show” that you guys are still able to have time to yourselves while she is still living there. She’s afraid, and maybe having a discussion about that will bring her back down.


    Your boyfriend just doesn’t want to deal with the jokes. He’s embarassed that she continues to joke around about this stuff because intimate stuff is important to him and he likely doesn’t like the fact that it’s being made light of. From her joking around, he probably feels like he’s being “called out” about being “too” affectionate and just doesn’t want to deal with it.


    That’s what I think it is at least. As far as advice; I don’t know. Maybe make sure that she knows that she’s “safe” there, maybe limit the time that you spend at his place if possible? It’s a tough situation.

  10. Why’s she walking into his room without knocking? Even when I lived with other guys we always hung out in each other’s rooms but made sure to knock first.

  11. I just read your post history. Your obsession with him cheating is very disturbing/creepy/scary. I feel like you’re one of those people who end up on Dateline as a suspect. Your mind will always find a way to suspect him of cheating. If he kept holding your hand when she walked in, you would’ve accused her of being jealous then accusing your boyfriend a reason to be jealous. Not matter what he does, its a no win.

  12. Does he know her beforehand? Are they friends before he moved in with her? If not, his comments that she might get jealous if you visits him is suspicious. Why would she if they’re just roommates?

    My take is that your boyfriend got the hots for her and they’re flirting when you’re not around. Her walking into the room without knocking and him not seeing it as a problem is shady. It could also mean that she’d been in/out of his room freely and maybe it’s a way of telling him not to get close to you as she’s watching. Him pulling his hands away and sitting separately from you? That’s him abiding her.

  13. I see where your coming from. It’s up to you boyfriend to place strict boundaries to be honest. My boyfriend 36M lives with female housemates but I’ve always been over and it’s very professional, they are also older (around mid 40s). I’m 26 so they kind of treat me like their daughter.

  14. Is she old enough he could see her as a mother figure? Could he be embarrassed to be affectionate because of that? I’m purely speculating, but most of us when we started dating were embarrassed to be physical around our parents. Just a thought. She also happens to have a young boy, so it could add to it. Or her comments or being alone with her could just make him uncomfortable. It’s good he wants you around versus telling you to stay away. Time will tell I’d bet. Good luck!

  15. Mhmm I personally don’t feel it’s too odd. Sure, he can hold hands with you in public bc he will never see any of those strangers again, but maybe he feels a bit awkward bc its his roommate and he’s not fully comfortable with her yet?

  16. I honestly don’t think there’s anything going on between your BF and his roommate. You said she’s an older single mother. I think she’s just living vicariously through the two of you. Maybe a little bit inappropriate, but harmless. As far as your BF being withdrawn when she’s around, she’s basically a stranger and this whole living situation was spur of the moment. Maybe he’s not comfortable there yet. If there’s a kid running around that could walk into the room at any minute that would put a damper on any guys libido. How is he affection wise when you’re at your place?

  17. It seems like your BF may just be uncomfortable with her jokes. I wouldn’t read into him pulling away when she barges in, that’s a fairly common reaction when you are in a private, intimate situation & somebody walks in unexpectedly. She seems like she’s just annoying at the worst, I wouldn’t worry about it too much.

  18. Seems like she is trying to be the “cool roommate” to avoid any tension with you, but it’s just making the situation uncomfortable for everyone. He seems like he’s trying to avoid unnecessary attention from her. I also avoid PDA with my girlfriend when I’m around people who make me uncomfortable or make weird comments, not because I have a crush on them.

    >he said “she might get jealous with another woman in her house”. He said he’d ask her if it’s ok. I mean of course it is! I mean why the hell would she be jealous!!!

    Ok, this is kind of weird, but I’m a believer that you can’t read too much into one-off remarks. I mean, I get really uncomfortable coming over to my girlfriend’s all the time because she has (female) roommates. I also used to get annoyed off when my old roommate brought his girlfriend over all the time because it felt like I couldn’t relax at home – it feels similar to PDA to me, and maybe your boyfriend just doesn’t feel comfortable in situations like that. I hate being the only couple in a friend group dynamic because I feel like I have to be hyper-aware of my body language.

  19. He likes his modesty/privacy. Probably doesn’t want to fuel her sexual comments.

    She, on the other hand, needs a quiet chat asking her to stop with the sexual innuendo. Why, she might ask? Because you don’t want to be having an intimate moment and only thinking what she’s going to say about it. It’s a mood killer.

  20. It sounds like Ingrid is being overly supportive of your relationship because she is insecure of the two of you splitting up because she now lives there. She doesn’t fancy your boyfriend and honestly sounds like a really lovely person.

    Your boyfriend sounds embarrassed to now have what I can only assume he sees as a mother figure living under the same roof and doesn’t know how to respond/isnt yet comfortable with the situation. Ingrid has likely picked up on this already and hence she is acting the way she is.

    You all need to have a meal together and get to know each other better.

  21. It’s a weird situation that you definitely do need to speak to him about but it could just be that he feels awkward. Tell him exactly how you feel and see what he says. Side note, I get that the behaviour would (understandably) make you jealous and the woman’s behaviour is undeniably odd but the way you’re speaking about her is pretty unpleasant, comes across as quite bitter and envious which could be clouding your view a bit.

  22. This sounds exactly like why having a housemate as grown adults is often a bad idea. She has no sensible boundaries regarding sex and you guys really should not be living with her.

    How exactly did he move in and not immediately see the problem? He 100% seemed to know something was up, and that’s on him. I really question this dude’s judgement. I would very quickly sign up to never visit that house again even if the relationship ends because of it. Just weird

  23. Her being not that much attractive doesn’t mean anything, my bet is they’ve already slept together more than once she knows he’s got a gf but she doesn’t mind hence your man’s awkward behaviour when she’s around;
    Good luck!

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