My (27F) partner (27M) and I have been together for 11 months. We have a lot of fun together and have only ever had one big argument until Tuesday.
For context I had heart surgery the Thursday before and had been recovering/was very tired. I often get annoyed about small things such as leaving pee on the sink, not cleaning up after himself ect. Almost all of the responsibilities fall onto me. He recently moved into my home and I expressed a few times that I felt nervous about it. I have a 5 year old from a previous relationship so this was a big deal for me. Despite my fears he promised it would be ok.
On Tuesday morning I had not slept at all the night prior and I woke up and got up to a house full of mess, went to go to the bathroom and there was piss on the seat, hair and water everywhere in the sink and just general mess everywhere. I lost it and text him that I do not want him to move in. I understand it wasn’t nice but I was feeling overwhelmed.
He came home at lunch and packed his things and moved out. He then called his mum and sister and told them about the argument.
When we sat down to resolve it he basically blamed it all on me and said it was all my fault and his family agreed and that to move forward I would need to change and communicate better.
Whilst we were arguing his response was often that we should break up. He left it as we would move forward and things would be ok but has since gone away for the weekend and I have not heard from him.
Is this salvageable or even worth saving?
I mean, for me, I would bail. He’s gotten his family involved too. Sounds like misery to me.
Honestly it sounds like you lucky to have him out of your house causing you more stress when you need to be resting. He is a slob who wants a mother, not to be a partner. Peeing on the sink and being a slob are not a “little things” to be upset about. Besides the fact that they are hygiene issues in a house where a child lives, it’s about respecting you… you ask him not to do something disgusting in your home around your child, he should respect you enough to not to do it and if he does, respect you enough to admit it was wrong and apologize. I think you are better off and safer with him gone.
Neutral 3rd party POV:
Leaving pee on the toilet seat and not cleaning up after himself is just inconsiderate period. Doesn’t matter if he’s visiting or living with you or what. That’s just rude and disgusting. More importantly- it shows both a lack of respect for your home, and a lack of empathy for you and your situation (she has to sit on that, I should clean it up!).
IMHO this alone is a valid reason to break up- not necessarily as a punishment or offense, but as an incompatibility. You want a partner who has basic consideration and respect for the house of another person.
> I had heart surgery the Thursday before and had been recovering/was very tired
The expected action for a partner in this situation is to go above and beyond- try to remove as much load from you as possible. It’s reasonable to be upset if your partner doesn’t make at least some attempt to do so.
> When we sat down to resolve it he basically blamed it all on me and said it was all my fault
This shows him refusing to take any responsibility for his actions. That’s a bad thing- you want him to *want* to be part of the solution to whatever the problem is. That’s a big part of a healthy relationship- he should want to support you, you should want to support him. He should want to not cause you problems, you should want to help him.
It seems like his wants are only for him- he wants to not have to clean up the bathroom. He wants to not be the one doing wrong. He wants to not be the one who has to fix the relationship. In a sense, making the bathroom mess and offloading that onto you isn’t much different than causing a relationship problem and offloading it onto you saying you have to be the one to fix it.
This to me is a big red flag.
> and his family agreed and that to move forward I would need to change and communicate better.
Another red flag. What does his family have to do with this? That he goes to them suggests he probably told them half the story just to reinforce his own position. Or maybe they honestly think that leaving pee on the toilet seat is okay. Either way trying to make his family gang up on you is a big red flag.
> Whilst we were arguing his response was often that we should break up
Another red flag. This is a manipulation tactic- it’s a brinksmanship thing to try and get you to retreat. IE, you love him, you don’t want to break up with him, so by suggesting that your demand is split-worthy it gets you to back off from your demand. He may not even realize he’s doing it, but this is manipulation and arguably emotional abuse.
> Is this salvageable or even worth saving?
I can’t tell you that. Based on what you say, the obvious answer is maybe not- if he’s that inconsiderate, screw him. But relationships are never just one issue, they are big and complex.
I will say that him refusing to take ANY responsibility and then ganging up his family is a big red flag. Is that how he will react for every argument you and he have going forward? Will he ever take responsibility for his actions? And can you get him to behave in a way you can tolerate?
I will also say that him not supporting you after *heart surgery* is a big red flag. Someone who really cares about you would WANT to take care of you.
Every relationship starts off fun and happy and whatnot. You have good times together. But as time goes by you learn more about your partner, and sometimes what you learn is that they aren’t the right partner for you. Sometimes it takes bad situations or stressful situations to truly ‘meet’ the person.
I would personally suggest an easy test would be this– tell him that leaving pee on the toilet seat, and hair in the bathroom, is a non starter for you. You understand he lives by a different standard and that’s fine. But if he’s going to be in your house, either as a roommate or a guest, you need for him to NOT leave his bodily waste laying around your bathroom. Ask if that’s something he’s willing to do? Tell him it’s fine if not, you just need him to be honest.
> He left it as we would move forward and things would be ok
All well and good for HIM to say.
> leaving pee on the sink
How does… oh, never mind.
Not sure I really want to know.
>Despite my fears he promised it would be ok.
I’m pretty sure it was his penis doing the talking, more than anything else.
He’d promise you anything, if it meant getting into your pants on a regular basis.
> I lost it and text him that I do not want him to move in.
Probably a good move.
>He came home at lunch and packed his things and moved out.
Also a good move, for both of you.
>Is this salvageable
Not sure it really matters.
>or even worth saving?
I can’t believe you’d even ask!
He clearly cannot function as a mature adult, and his family enables his behavior by backing him up in whatever he does.
Plus if you stayed with him, you’d have years of messy living quarters to look forward to.
You’d do best to steer clear of this train wreck and move on.
No, he is a major asshole, dont waste your timw with him.
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