My husband and I are married for 10 years and we both want to have a baby.
I told him that I would like to take a year off to look after the baby before going back to work.
The problem is that we need both our salaries to meet our monthly expenses + mortgage. His salary alone will not be enough to meet the monthly expenses even if we consider taking a mortgage repayment holiday. The government paid maternity benefits are very limited where we live.
His instant response was that I could continue to “work from home” as we can’t afford to live on his income, to which I responded that having a baby is off the table until I feel secure enough that he can support me and the baby while I’m on my maternity break. I am not sure what else to do in this situation other than just waiting for him to be financially ready. Would love to hear if anyone else jad a similar situation.
For context, I’m not lazy. I have a pretty good career and never took any break. It just doesn’t feel fair for me to take all the physical, emotional and financial responsibilities of having a baby.
So I guess you two need to save up so that the bills can be covered during the time you want to take off.
But if you guys are paycheck to paycheck now, how will you afford childcare when you are both working?
Why were you on dating advice 6 months ago if you’re married?? Also looks like you’re selling a house??
You both need to ait down and work on a budget and cut back expenses..if you’re both working full time and your barely scraping by you are in no way shape or form ready to have a kid. You either both have crap jobs or your financially irresponsible. Since it sounds like you could work from home you must have a decent paying job.
If you guys can’t save enough money to take time off for a year (which sounds unlikely that you could save that much quickly) you need to shorten the maternity leave and at least consider working a part time. Staying home is nice but it is a luxury that a lot of families cannot afford. You’re gonna ahve to figure out your priorities.
You and your husband can’t afford a baby if you are only just covering your expenses right now. You either need to reduce your expenses so you can live off one salary or postpone having a child until you save enough to cover the expenses required for your maternity leave. Also, how will you afford childcare until your child starts school?
Working from home with a new baby is very unlikely to succeed.
It sounds like you two need some serious conversations about reducing your expenses.
This is exactly what’s stopping me and my wife from having a child. No easy answer here, i’m afraid. At least not that i could think of.
I’m confused. Even if you didn’t take any time off work you can’t afford a child. They aren’t free…
Clothes, nappies, food, furniture, toys, books, childcare… What’s the plan?
Build up a year’s worth of savings together.
If this is a hill to die on for you, you need to figure out things…..you have stated that you cannot survive on one salary, so taking a year off is just not feasible. And this isn’t just on your husband to figure out. You telling him to figure out how to support you isn’t what a partner does. Sell your house or downgrade to a smaller rental. Eliminate debt. Get rid of all your extras. Sell a car. Then maybe you can afford to live on one salary. I think you are very short sighted with your request and argument. I knew that we would not be able to afford living on a single salary so I went back to work when my baby was 8 weeks old. She went to daycare on my office campus which came with a discount. We still struggled a bit but we made it. Throwing out an ultimatum like you did is a marriage killer. Talk and figure shit out, don’t just say ok if you can’t figure out how to support me, jo babies. That’s stupid. But if your financial state is that dire, you can’t afford a baby.
Seems to me that in your current situation you guys can’t afford kids at all.
You’d either have to cut in expenses and downgrade your living situation severely or you need to keep your job and probably pick up extra shifts.
well yeah. don’t have a baby until you can afford it.
> other than just waiting for him to be financially ready.
Well there’s your problem right there. Why is this not “other than just working together for US to be financially ready.”? You have admitted that you can’t live on one wage and BOTH of you want a baby. So why are you writing this out like it’s just his problem? What steps have you guys made towards savings? What extras have you guys cut out? What budgets have you been working?
If your effort in this amounts to waiting for him to figure it out then please grow the fuck up.
edit: “Why would someone not disclose their age even after asking? He basically gave me a 10 year age bracket. Not that it’s a deal breaker but I’m more concerned about the reasons for withholding information.” Are you guys, who are struggling to manage to work out costs for a kid, also participating in an open marriage? Because that’s an unneeded cost right now. Or are you lying in this post? Because you’re talking about dating less than 6 months ago.
Your family isn’t ready for a baby financially. Maybe if y’all discussed how to lower your bills you can do it on one income. Cable TV. Get rid of smart phones. A simple cell phone plan costs similar to a land line. Start cooking more instead of going out to eat. Maybe grow some of your own food if that’s possible. Is your husband able to work more hours or find a better paying job for you to be a stay at home mom. Something has to give to make it work and it will require sacrificing on both parts.
Whatever y’all decide to do I would recommend making all the changes for several month before you resign from your job. You probably don’t want to dive in to y’all’s solution head first and find out later that it’s not sustainable.
Not having a baby is an option.
Perfect answer, don’t have a baby.
You’re not even trying to discuss compromise. You’re focused on what burden you feel YOU have to bear and he needs some too.. You’re not approaching this as a partnership from the jump so you’ve failed
I have two babies. I’ve worked from home from both turning 5 months.
It’s not easy – but a) we need the money. B) I need the stimulation c) I enjoy working – but know I can’t work outside of the home as I need to look after the kids.
It’s hard, but much easier than leaving them somewhere and going back to an office.
If you can’t afford babies – you need to up both your incomes before you get pregnant, you need to find a job that pays maternity if you can, and hubs will need to get a higher salary and you will have to realise that you will need to earn money and raise babies. There’s no easy way through it.
This is insane.
You both currently need to work just to support the two of you. And now you want to bring a baby into it, AND switch to 1 income? What exactly is your plan? Do you expect hubby to get a second, or even third job??
>His instant response was that I could continue to “work from home” as we can’t afford to live on his income, to which I responded that having a baby is off the table until I feel secure enough that he can support me and the baby while I’m on my maternity break. I am not sure what else to do in this situation other than just waiting for him to be financially ready
How about you get financially ready too? You have a job. Pick up more hours so you can save some money.
Neither of you are ready for a child if you’re living paycheck to paycheck. Good grief.
Seems like you can‘t afford to have a baby (and take care of it properly). I agree that working a job AND doing all the unpaid care work is too much. Capitalism sucks. There’s no way to solve this issue.
Do you guys have separate finances? Seems like you should both be working towards saving up for this goal of yours. How are you going to afford childcare?
How old are you?
I mean, sorry, but it’s not him being unwilling, it’s him being unable. If you’re dead set on needing a year off to have a kid, then make peace with not having a kid because that’s an unreasonable ask.
If you two can’t afford to live on one income, you definitely can’t afford a baby.
If you BOTH want a baby, why did you impose these financial conditions solely on HIM? Shouldn’t this be a team effort in trying to figure out how to meet your financial obligations for the year you want to take off? How do you expect HIM to be “financially ready” if his job, income and expenses stay the same? Did you ask him to switch jobs, demand more pay or take a second or third job? If you both didn’t try to plan out his “financial readiness,” you’ll be waiting a long time…
You don’t really elaborate about how on earth he is supposed to double his salary.
How do you propose you do that?
You’ve been married for ten years, but you both have not saved for this eventuality? Surely this urge hasn’t suddenly struck you?
Either you can drastically reduce your outgoings, or you can scale back your ambition to take a year off. Asking your husband to massively increase his income is the least attainable
I am very much interested in your spending patterns as a couple, I’m getting an impression that you might have too high of spending rate, like having too much house. Two people with ‘pretty good careers’ who have been together for ten years should be in a better financial position generally.
Downsizing the house, selling cars and getting cheaper ones, moving to lower cost of living areas…these are the things I would be looking at if this is important to you both.
Y’all aren’t in a good situation to bring in a new life. That’s a struggle bus and clearly you don’t want that. Yes y’all should wait.
You both want to have a baby.
You know you are dependent of both salaries.
You ignore that logic and ask husband to take care of the both of you while you seemingly make a decision you want to do.
Husband has no choice in the say. If you have a good career why don’t you let him take care of the baby for a year? Right… because it’s either some gender role shit or you feel your entitled to make your husband the burden of the situation.
You have a “good career” so then your husbands career doesn’t matter to you. You’re not working as a partnership either.
How about instead you come up with a plan that can satisfy both without being an ass.
Both of you get better jobs, save as much money as you can so that you are able to hold off a year so you can take care of the baby and he keeps working. Maybe a part time work from home job for you? Any family that can help out?
>having a baby is off the table until I feel secure enough that he can support me and the baby
Just wanted to say I think that’s 100% fair. Many women have difficult pregnancies, end up using all their maternity leave before the baby is even born, and have no choice but to quit. Many women have birth injuries that take months to heal, and some never fully heal.
Having problems is much more common than people realize. People don’t talk about it because the problems can be embarrassing (e.g. incontinence and pelvic pain). We also feel like we can’t complain because some women are infertile and would gladly trade places with us despite our issues. It’s very common and you have no way of knowing how pregnancy will affect your body until it happens.
Don’t have a baby until you can afford it.
You two can’t afford to have a baby.
Unless hubby ramps up that income level and you both then save a year’s salary, don’t even think about it.
Please don’t get pregnant “accidentally”. It would be catastrophic.
You are unreasonable.
What you should do is to sit with your spouse and find out how both of you can make your financial situation stable enough for you to be on maternity leave. He is correct that his income isn’t enough. In that case, you may look at increasing earning potential, saving the money to bridge the gap in finances or lowering your current lifestyle and expenses.
It is also wrong of him to expect you to work from home while you’re having an infant to take care of. Still, as it is right now you two simply cannot afford not to work and this doesn’t include childcare or any other expenses related to having a newborn baby.
You two, CANNOT afford a child.
Don’t have a child.
You both need to figure this out, sitting around waiting for him to be financially ready isn’t realistic or fair.
If you both want children, you both need to work on the problem. Start saving now, consider if 6 months leave would be an option for both of you.
If you can’t come to an agreement than you shouldn’t have a child right now because the problems will not magically fix itself.
I’m not sure what you’re expecting him to be able to do? It’s not like he can magically make enough to cover both the costs of a new baby and make up for the loss of your income.
How exactly do you expect him to get more money? Should he work more hours? Get another job? Why don’t you do it now both to get one year of savings for when the time comes? If you can’t do it now, why would it be realistic when the pregnancy occurs?
>I am not sure what else to do in this situation other than just waiting for him to be financially ready.
Why does he have to get “financially ready?” Why not the two of you?
You’re a couple. Start saving money. Reduce your expenses, sell the house, whatever. What do you want him to do`? Get a second job? Get a promotion that pays as much as your job did?
If you cannot afford a child and do not want to change your lifestyle, then don’t have a child. It’s really that simple.
So why try to have a baby knowing you’re both not financially stable?
If you can’t survive off one income for the time it’ll take you to recover from giving birth, then you guys are not financially stable enough to be having a child in the first place
Do not have a child, you can’t afford it
You are a smart person to hold off on children until your husband is also willing to put some efforts in beyond 50% of the household. Because once a baby is born it becomes 75% each.
If you are taking care of the baby and working from home, you’re then doing 150%. While he is still doing 50%. The burden becomes too great on you alone. Your body also needs time to recover after a child is born. It is not realistic to take on so much at once.
If you can’t even afford to take maternity leave with just one income why in the hell are you trying to have a baby ?
Being able to take a full year off unpaid is a luxury that most new parents can’t swing. I’m not going to suggest not having a baby for that reason, but maybe consider a shorter amount of time. If you start putting money away now, you might be able to take 6 months off and live off of the savings for that time.
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