My partner sold me a dream that he was going to be an amazing father. He isn’t plain terrible but he has fallen completely short of my expectations for him. I’m finding it difficult, every morning and day, to wake up happy without constantly nagging and then he tries to turn things around on me – quite literally – into how I am not nice to him lol. I find this extremely immature. In fact, when he has helped me on the rare occasion, I’m quite pleasant that day. But it’s really so rare and I’m getting resentful because I didn’t want any more children if I knew he wouldn’t equally be there on early mornings or just the responsibility of having a baby in general.
I’m 33, he’s 35 and we are blended with his 13yr old and my 12 & 7. Because the kids are older, I didn’t get a clear glimpse of the lack of parenting help with the little one.
An example of lack of help would be him waking up at 6:45 to grab the bottle, give it to me and then proceed to go back to sleep and sleep in while I feed the baby and then tend to him all morning. The mornings are usually followed up with me asking MULTIPLE times to either get up hours later or to help and l him taking his time, usually on his phone, or slowly getting himself together in the morning. Ignoring any requests about clothing to grab or whatever because he just isn’t even engaged, listening or whatever.
I would like to preface that I am also not a SAHM and I feel like I do the majority of everything for everyone and the household. At this point, the kids doing their chores is more help than he is.
He does suffer from anxiety which affects his day to day functioning but I can’t keep excusing lack of help due to this. In my eyes, if he can sit on his phone, he can get up and help.
Thoughts?
Make a list of all household and childrearing tasks. Split it into 2 lists based on what each of you do. sit him down, show him the lists. tell him you’re not trying to attack him but you want to tackle all the tasks as a team. take turns picking items off the list till it’s split evenly. if he balks, tell him you want marital counseling to get on the same page. if he won’t do that, rethink the relationship.
Taking care of 3 dependents would be easier than 5…
I think you’re taking care of 5 kids instead of 4. He sounds like a petulant child if telling someone to take responsibility for their child is being « mean ».
I see you and hear you. I am in the same situation. Only I only supposed to have just the one kiddo who has special needs, and instead I have 2- one a grown ass man who can’t even get himself together enough to brush his teeth at least once a week. When I threatened to leave, he threatens other things. And we are in this horrible emotionally abusive struggle. I, too, am called horrible names if I ask for help or even common courtesies, like not leaving a spoon covered with yogurt laying on the counter. Why can’t it just go in the dishwasher? Or at least the sink? I’m constantly told I’m unloveable because I’m too demanding. When all I really want is someone to help with the mental load, take some time and effort to be an active responsible member of our household and be a fucking adult!!!! I don’t have an answer for you. But I am in the same trench with you. Feel free to DM if you need to vent. Madlove and hugs.
What happens if you just leave and leave him alone with all of the kids on the weekend? You can feed the baby in the morning and just leave. You could go to breakfast, get a mani-pedi, go to lunch with friends, then get a massage, etc. He stays all Saturday with the kids and realizes how much you are doing and how much he isn’t doing. My only concern would be that the 13 & 12 year old would end up doing all the baby stuff, but that would be the nail in the coffin for him.
His anxiety is no excuse. Is he going to therapy and taking any medication?
First step: stop calling him taking care of HIS child as “helping you”. If you address his responsibilities as mere “helping”, even you yourself are assuming they actually are initially YOUR tasks and he’s just a helper.
If you would be assigned at work to do something with a colleague, both with the same title and responsibilities, would u ask them to “help you” or require to “do their share”? If you agreed with a friend to buy something 50/50, would you ask them to “help you” to pay the item or simply pay their share? I hope u get the point.
It all starts by putting the responsibility where it lies, and using proper words. And you yourself need to internalise that he’s not a “help”, he’s as much the kids parent as you.
Is this why he separated with the first baby-mama?
He very obviously doesn’t see raising his child or dealing with his living space as his responsibility at all and unfortunately there is nothing you can say or do to change that. There isn’t a magic phrase or way of going about it that I’m sure you haven’t already tried. This guy simply doesn’t care enough to do his share and that’s horribly disappointing.
The only thing you can control is what you’re going to do about it. Wanting a partner and not a roommate you do everything for is not unreasonable but you need to be realistic about his capacity for change and ask yourself how long you’re willing to hope for it. We have all seen how this ends – choose yourself before the resentment shuts you down because the relationship being modelled for your kids is not healthy. This dude is weighing you down and you deserve a life where you don’t have to nag someone to step up.
At a minimum, stop doing anything and everything for him immediately. No more meals, laundry, etc etc. he doesn’t deserve your efforts.
I think you need to make it clear how serious this is. Suggest couples counseling and make him understand that this HAS to change for the relationship to work. That the relationship will end if he doesn’t do his share.
If he needs help knowing what to do you can split up chores and childcare, use a schedule that you create together. He gets up with the baby certain days and you do it the other days. He takes care of cooking and you washing as an example.
Schedule the mornings!! 1 day yours 1 day his!!
It sounds like you should get a divorce. You’re a single mother anyway at this point, what’s the difference? Taking care of 3 kids instead of 5?
My ex-husband didn’t do shit as far as taking care of the house or kids. It makes it so much easier on me to be a single/divorced mother, now. Because I’ve been doing it by myself the entire time time.
Just something to think about. If he’s not going to “help”…and you’re just putting up with him… why bother?
OP. You are living my life. I left my first H for several reasons, one being that he NEVER helped with our kid unless he absolutely had no other choice. still didn’t until the kid was too much like his father and wouldn’t listen to me at all so I sent him to live with his father…
Current STBXH does help some with our special needs daughter. But no where near enough. To the point where if something were to happen to me, he wouldn’t be able to take her to any of her weekly appointments or anything. He doesn’t know any of that. He won’t ever come with us to them. I’ve given all that info to my mom because he just doesn’t care about anyone’s needs but his own..
It’s seem many men do not really want raise children they just want to show thy can knock some gullible fool up
That sounds tough. Your resentment is reasonable. Life might be easier without him dragging you down. How dare these manchildren slack off and when faced with reasonable anger and resentment say it makes their partner unlovable. Boy NO.
You need to work up enough steam to leave him, so stay mad.
Have you spoken to him?
Have you heard of Alison Armstrong? Her book *The Queen’s Code* is really helpful. I’d recommend giving that a read. She runs a group/book club that practices one chapter a week and I’d recommend approaching it that way (or reading it all at once, then going back and practicing it one chapter/week.
If that doesn’t significantly improve things then it might be time to re-think the relationship and get into some serious boundary setting. But if the gentle, persuasive approach has any hope of helping, give that a try first.
One more chance
Is he on medication and in therapy for his anxiety? If it’s that serious that he can’t do his share in the house, he definitely should be.
If he refuses to get help for his condition, it just means he doesn’t care. Having anxiety does not equal being a big baby, victimising yourself, blaming others for asking the bare minimum. That’s manipulation.
I don’t get why people are saying: You should make HIS schedule. You should write down what HE should be doing.
OP is NOT his mom?? This is a grown ass adult.
Stop accepting the bare minimum. I have more anxiety disorders than I can remember, but my child is getting everything she needs. Because Anxiety does NOT exclude you from your parental tasks.
Ayo we only getting one part of the story. Dkes he work? If yes how many days a week ? How many hours? If you answer yes to any of these then do not expect him to be as attentive if he’s working . Especially if it’s long hours
Now if he’s not working then yall need to talk thos shit out instead of you nagging try asking . Cause all I hear is he doesn’t so thos he doesn’t do that so what DOES he do ? Cause I’m sure if he saw this and responded thongs would be different
Show him your schedule everyday. Then ask him to make a schedule of what he does in a day. Break down EVERYTHING you do and ask him to do the same
Not really I’m just going off of what information the post gave us which really isnt much since she left out many key details of their living arrangements
Does he happen to work long hours or during these hours that you demand him to be up at? If I worked 12s and had someone bitching at me incessantly to wake up at random hours just to get a bottle from the kitchen. I probably wouldn’t be able to either.
Reduce nagging, nagging is a trait you must have developed from one of your own family members. From what I’m seeing, this man’s job takes priority unless you guys just don’t need money.
Also it sounds like some executive dysfunction from ADHD which in turn causes the anxiety.
Who’s the one paying the bills you need to be a little clearer on your living arrangements because from the sounds of it your not working or you do but very little from the sounds of it you want him to take care of the little one while you do nothing if he’s supporting the family financially then you don’t have a leg to stand on and all this