I 27f have been in a relationship with a 35m for around a year now. I am financially stable, own my own house. When I met my bf, I was under the impression that he was well to do, because he lived in a super affluent area. It turns out that he sleeps on his parents couch and is unemployed. I didn’t care, because he was super loving and patient with me.
I’ve taken him on holidays, bought him presents, stayed at fancy hotels; spent money on lots of meals for us, was thinking of getting a house for us and we were joking around saying that he was my sugar baby. It was funny at first, and then led to an argument last week over the longevity of our relationship if I lost my money overnight / didn’t have any money anymore.
“What if I didn’t have any money anymore? I worry about the longevity of our relationship.”
Him: “Yeah :/ shame.”
I feel really disgusted with him for saying that as a reply. It’s made me rethink our relationship a lot. His counter argument is that money is not our whole relationship, that he has put equal amounts of effort in by looking after me emotionally. Admittedly, I am a demanding partner as I have BPD and am a bit spoiled.
I have been with him for a year because he’s caring, loving, understanding. No one has ever taken such time in listening to me with such patience and care. Most of my exes have had 9-5 jobs, and often not been able to cater to my emotional needs (I have BPD) due to work and daily stresses, so I do get where he is coming from.
However, I also wonder if this relationship is still worth pursuing. He thinks that taking the time to look after me is his way of love, and is equated to the money I’ve spent on him.
He has no motivation to get a job, as far as I’ve known him. His reasoning is that he does not simply want to get any random job because it’s better to spend his energies somewhere else. (Also, I believe he gets a pocket money from his parents for a bit of food, but that’s it.) So with his stomach full and a roof over his head, I get why he’s not bothered to work.
Should I stay in this relationship? I was never looking for a sugar baby but it’s ended up like this.
TDLR; my bf is unemployed but he’s a super amazing guy. Is it worth staying with him.
What do you want from a relationship? He’s not a partner but a paid dependent.
Personally this would be a deal breaker for me. Doesn’t seem sustainable l.
Why doesn’t he get a job?
Seems like he only takes care of your emotional needs because you pay him… is it worth staying with someone who has pretty much warned you that the second you dont have money he will leave. Plus he is 35 and unemployed willingly mooching off his parents and you how can you even be doing this to yourself
Ah, you have met a hobosexual. I would focus your time and money on yourself. Work on your bpd, don’t make it someone else’s job. Build your own stability. Find someone who adds to it.
35 and no job? Lives on parents couch? Real winner
He’s so loving and caring because he considers that his job.
You’re not his girlfriend. You’re his meal-ticket.
He’s not an amazing guy, he’s a bum that’s mooching off of you.
Don’t be so desperate to be in a relationship that you tolerate this level of bullshit and gloss over the glaring personality issues.
Just curious he says “better to spend his energies somewhere else” what is he spending his energy on ? Taking care of your emotional needs can hardly be a 24/7 job ? (no offense)
I have BPD. This guy is a dipshit. Dump him. Find someone who’s going to see you as a partner, not a check book.
He isn’t amazing. He’s a mooch off his parents and he wants to be a mooch off you.
I think you need to separate out a bunch of disjointed reasonings and feelings here.
First, I see in the comments that you weren’t really looking for a partner (but it is nice of course) but in the post you say you are demanding and needy. Why are you demanding and needy as a partner, but also not in need of one? Are you really needy and demanding, or has your partner convinced you that you are?
Second, if you have needs as someone with BPD, that’s totally valid and a partner can be helpful, but so would a paid caretaker. You also managed to make it this far in life without your partner, so why does he (and you) think that caring for you is a full time job when you have made it 26 years without it?
Third, this is a 35 year old man who has never been independent. You suddenly needing all this care- and I doubt that, by the way- doesn’t explain the last 34 years of not having a job/career/plan for life.
And finally, your partner has made it clear that he is with you for money. He has decided that caring for you is a full time job and you somehow have bought in to that. He has also heavily implied that if you didn’t have money, he would be out. So, you do not have a love based relationship, but one of necessity/convenience. You now have to decide if you are okay with that.
And, if I were you, I wouldn’t be okay with that. Without knowing the details of your life, you are 27 with a job that pays well and you own a home. You can find a partner who is an equal in all ways, and you deserve that. My partner makes much less than I do and I also fund vacations, pay for more things, and have helped him out with rent and things when needed. But I also know our relationship isn’t based on money, and if he had responded to my in the way your partner did AND didn’t immediately say it was a joke, we would be done.
“Lovely” does not pay bills.
No. This isnt a man who is an effective partner in a relationship.
He’s holding out for a managment position.
What do you call a woman who supports a jobless, lazy 35 yr old man? Mommy.
A 35-year-old with no aspirations, goals, or motivation in the horizon? And you’re still wondering what to do?
You have to think to yourself if you don’t mind being the provider or head of the household. I don’t see no issue with the “gender roles” being switched. But as a stay at home husband or wife it also comes with it’s responsibilities. Does he at least do chores? Does he cook? Does he do laundry? Any male would expect that of his partner as a stay at home wife. Same goes if it’s the other way around. If he doesn’t do any of these things and you literally find yourself doing all the work, then I would reconsider staying in a relationship with him. You also have to consider the fact if you want children in the future, there comes a point where you have to temporarily stop working. Or your symptoms get so bad that it’s very difficult for you to continue working. Is he willing to support you in those moments? That is, if you want children of course.
There’s a lot of points you gotta think about. Relationships are more than just emotional needs. Sometimes the longer you stay with a person, the more you start to see their true colors. But if he’s doing his part in helping you out with house duties and fulfilling your emotional needs, then I don’t really see a big issue. Idc what anyone says females who also don’t wanna work for the same reason cause men should be ‘providers’ are also bums.
You’ve got an emotional support boyfriend, that’s not a partner.
Whether you like the title or not you’re a Sugar Mama.
I’m sure if you lavished gifts, holidays and paid all of the bills you could probably pay multiple people for emotional support.
You don’t have a boyfriend you have a dependent 35 year old child, you can probably claim some money back on your taxes for that.
It’s a matter of preference and tolerance. Do you mind being the sole breadwinner? Would you grow tired of it if you did? Ask yourself those and you pretty much have your answer.
To most people, his stance on working is a joke. He can put his energy towards something that will help him sustain himself. Can he really mooch off his parents forever?
To most it seems like he’s unmotivated and not worth it, but if you see value in him and can tolerate his lack of ambition, stay with him.
ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND?
He’s a user and his parents should have put him out over a decade ago – although they’ve probably been spoiling him his whole life. You can’t have kids with this guy or trust him with any responsibility whatsoever. And, he’s effing 35.
Show some pride and move on.
Are you ok with financially supporting him forever? Yes or no.
OP should be careful about who and when you mention your BPD diagnosis. No one, even people with mental disorders, should have to pay a partner to be a partner to them. I have BPD and I’ve just opted to not tell ppl unless I trust them to handle the information with care. People will use the information to manipulate you and make you feel unreasonable even when you’re being quite reasonable just to benefit themselves. They don’t know the damage they cause. You probably told him about exes that couldn’t handle your BPD or probably said things like your BPD is too much and he’s using that info to his advantage. NOTHING explains this situation other then him wanting to be a sugar baby and him finding the right vulnerable person to get it from. Don’t let it happen.
It’s not easy dating with BPD but don’t settle for less that will make you worse off
There are tons of relationships with stay at home wifes / moms where no one tells the husband to up and leave. So I guess if you can see yourself as a provider, this is fine, as he is putting in the work. What does your future look like? You want children? Are you fine with not raising them yourself? And on the other habd, if you get a 9-5 husband, are you fine with the emotional less work he will be able to provide? This choice is on you. Both has ups and downs.
I’m dating an arts guy and is unemployed but he lives off creating art that he loves. I do pay most of the time since I earn so much more than him, even more than enough for both of us. I never questioned my willingness to provide for our future. I know to myself I’m never going to be a stay at home mom and somehow we clicked.
So my advice, if you worry about it now, better rethink and decide than regret later. I get the feeling of dating guys with stable jobs but doesn’t have the time for you. Now with my boyfriend, he spends a lot of time at home with me as I work remote too. He takes care of me and he’s everything I ever wish for.
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Only you can decide if the issue is a deal-breaker. If you’re ok with having him never work or contribute financially, then go in knowing that. If you’re not ok with that, now is the time to create a boundary about your financial expectations for a partner.
I’m wondering if he would step up to parent your children? If he is too lazy to be a full time dad then definitely not worth your time, otherwise he might be good with the emotional labour.
Your bf is a loser, that’s pretty obvious. But, if having a job makes handling your emotional needs difficult, then he’s not the only one that needs to work on himself. I’d never encourage you to stay with such an unmotivated partner, but if you actually expect that much attention, maybe a fully formed adult isn’t for your either.
Catering to your emotional needs may actually be harming you, in that it deflects from the work you need to do on/with yourself. There is something going on with his mental health if he’s 35 and does not have a job and is not actively seeking one.
Do you want to be a sugar mama? If so, he’s the guy for you. If you want a partner, he’s not.
>he’s caring, loving, understanding. No one has ever taken such time in listening to me with such patience and care.
This is what a kept man/woman does. They are paid to be this way. They aren’t paid they quit. If you are fine with him being a paid sugar baby, that is fine. If you want someone who actually cares without expecting financial compensation, he’s the wrong guy.
If you’re working 9-5, what he is doing during those times? He’s not providing you emotional support while you’re at work, right? So at the very least, he could work part-time, so he is doing something while you’re at work, and still having capacity to support you.
Or if he is going to be a full-time spouse, then is doing stuff to maintain your home? Is doing the grocery shopping, cleaning, cooking, grocery shopping, so when you come home you don’t need to do anything?
My husband and I have had different periods where one of us was working and the other is not- and with my job now I work March-October (sometimes until Nov), then I’m off Dec-February. During the off-season I do a lot more work around the house since i’m home all the time… When my husband burnt out from his job, he took a few months off to get into a better space, and to study for the MCATs and prepare for med school. But he also did all the household work- cooked suppers, did the grocery shopping, made sure bills were paid, etc.
It depends what you’re looking for bigger picture- there are other ways to get emotional needs met, and if this unemployment is going to bother you then it’ll create more emotional concerns than are being met.
Have you considered getting a dog? Because that’d probably be a better option than this.
Lol I thought this was a troll post at first. Did you read what you wrote? He’s 35 years old sleeping on his parents couch and doesn’t care to get a job at all. You’re literally dating a man child. There’s plenty of people in this world who will listen to you and be empathetic and understand your BPD I can promise you that. Have some more self respect for yourself.. you have your head on your shoulders with a good job and house and you’re still very young which is awesome. If he’s 35 and doesn’t care at all to get a job or get off his parents couch then with all due respect he’s an absolute loser and things will only get worse. You can do better and deserve much better. It might sound harsh but I think you also know that which is why you’re here. Best of luck!
There is nothing amazing about a 35-year-old living on his parents’ couch. Or rather, nothing amazing in a GOOD way. He’s a boyfriend-for-hire / mooch. Why are you enabling him?
Your bpd should not replace someone’s full time job. Trust me I understand the complications but it feels like you are making excuses for yourself and for him.
I don’t want to be mean, be he seems to be an idiot. That “yeah.shame” made my blood boil.
Don’t get and stay with the first guy that understands mental illness. You’re putting him on a pedestal for basic shit, and using him being ‘nice’ as an excuse for him using you and being an uninspiring unmotivated entitled bum. Of course he’s being nice to you, it’s literally all he has to do all day to keep the money from you rolling in
The problem I see is the implication that he’d leave you if you lost your job or didn’t make as much money.
Otherwise, if the relationship works and you’re both happy, why leave? You’re stable financially, but unstable emotionally. He’s stable emotionally, but unstable financially. In theory, complement each other.
And more importantly, it sounds like you’re happy with him. In particular with him having the time to dote on you, which he wouldn’t have if he got a job.
I think your best options are:
A. Talk to him about how you’re fine with supporting him, but that you need to know he’ll be there through thick or thin. You need to know that he won’t leave if things get rough. And that if for whatever reason you can’t work and need him to step up and earn money, that he’ll be willing to.
I’d also throw in discussing his future role in the household of you guys ever move in together. There’s nothing wrong with being the partner that stays home, cooks, and maintains the house. But he can’t just be a leech.
B. Break up with him, go to therapy, get medicated, and/or whatever else you need to be emotionally stable. It sounds like with your current mental state, you need a partner like your BF. So if you don’t want someone like him, you need to get better
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