Sunday, March 26, 2023
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Boyfriend doesn’t want to do anything, ever

I (20F) have been with my boyfriend (23M) for a few years. We live together at an apartment with two dogs. I go to college and he works. Since we’ve been here, I’ve figured out that he’s really lazy. He rarely brushes his teeth or showers unless he is instructed to, he doesn’t do the laundry unless explicitly told multiple times, he has skipped work the past two shifts saying he’s sick. All he does is lay in bed and play video games. Any other thing he acts like is too hard, too much work. He only works 3-4 days a week part time and it doesn’t pay the bills. He pays like $400 on our 1500 rent. My mom pays for our groceries, his phone bill, his gas, his car insurance. Pretty much everything and he just expects it. He doesn’t act grateful, he is mean about my mom and talks about how annoying she is. I just feel like he is a weight dragging me down at this point. I have big goals in life and I don’t see him being a part of them with the way he acts right now. His entire life almost is video games. I like to have fun, he likes to sit at home. Which is fine sometimes, but it’s ALL he wants to do. He has been like this since I’ve known him in some ways. He lost his mom right before we met and lost his dad last year. I can understand that taking a toll mentally, but I am seriously drowning just sitting around waiting for him to do something and act like he gives a fuck about what I want. Any advice is appreciated, I’m at my breaking point in this.

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  1. Tbh, if you tolerate this blindly you won’t be supporting him, but enabling him. This needs to be addressed.

    He does need therapy. If he refuses, or even if doesn’t but it just isn’t enough for a happy daily life, you know you can walk away at any time. Or kick him out, more likely.

  2. As soon as I saw “too lazy to brush teeth” I went “oh he’s depressed”. Then I saw that he lost both of his parents in a relatively short time frame, and yeah, he’s really depressed. You describe being around him as feeling like you’re drowning, so just realize that he’s feeling the same way, that his life has lost color. *This does not mean that you should accept this*, this is just a “hey, have a bit of compassion and understanding for a mental illness, just to have as you go through life.”

    What he needs is therapy. He needs a professional to help him express himself, learn how to cope, and medicate him if necessary. This is not something you can or should do. Your involvement at the most would be pushing him to actually start researching and making appointments. *At most*. You don’t have to stay with him, do not feel obligated to stay with him if you cannot find happiness in your current situation or you cannot see happiness in your future. You’re young, you have a life ahead of you, don’t stay where you’re miserable.

  3. Honestly, I read stories like this on this sub and people like you baffle me. Like just go back and read what you wrote and that the most positive thing he brings is “he plays video games with me sometimes and that’s kinda fun”. Like wtf. Can you not realize that he’s a horrific partner and not someone you should be with off that alone.

    I’m sorry if this is coming off harsh and I know that relationships can be difficult to end especially when you’re young. But you’re 20 years old and living with a boyfriend who brings nothing to the table. I’m shocked your mom hasn’t said anything or tried to talk you out of this disaster. You have your whole life in front you. Don’t waste it setting the bar low

  4. He is majorly depressed. If he follows instructions, instruct him to get out of his rut, make him get clean, make him go touch grass, make him get therapy (at least a few sessions).

    And if it’s still not working, make him leave.

  5. Sounds like he is heavily depressed about his parents dying. You don’t need to stay, but as others have said, he should get into therapy, and once he does you might begin to see some improvement. But, if it’s too draining on you, you are not obligated to stay. Good luck

  6. He’s not lazy, he’s depressed. It’s something I struggle with as well and it put a huge strain on my last relationship. My depression is a big reason my last relationship ended because just like your boyfriend, I would spend weeks at a time unable to make myself do anything but sit at home.

    If you can’t handle it or just don’t want to be with him anymore then that’s your choice and you’re free to do that. Just don’t say he’s just lazy because there is a lot more to it than that.

  7. Staying with someone through depression is hard work. I’ve been on both sides of this story before. Unless you two were childhood friends or something, I don’t see how you’d have the history to justify hurting your future to try and pull him out of his depression. Honestly you leaving him might do more for him than you staying ever would.

  8. The fact that you’re all sitting here saying shit like “He’s lazy, disgusting, a slacker, man child” etc etc only proves that depression and mental illness isn’t taken seriously in men. He needs to go see a psychiatrist, who can diagnose him and help him. He does not need to be called lazy, or any other deragatory names. Not to mention, losing both of your parents, no matter how far apart, can trigger a severe depressive episode. Y’all need to learn empathy.

  9. I think there was a post/update about a girl who was in your same situation-ish. 7/8 years with a guy that stopped working a few years before and did less and less as time went on. Then she decided to light a fire under his bum and treat him like a child and she was mom. I mean she was paying the bills after all. So she would tell him things like no video games until you filled out applications for work and did your chores. And he got so mad he ran back to mom. Ultimately they broke up because that’s what needed to happen at year 3 not year 7. Don’t waste your time you are so young and being alone is the least scary thing you can go through. In fact it is something you need to learn in life so you never feel stuck in a job, relationship, situation that doesn’t serve you. Because while you may feel stuck you aren’t, it’s fear, fear can manipulate you to believe all kinds of BS. Don’t stay unhappy and waste time because of fear.

  10. He’s lost both parents at a young age and is severely depressed.

    I don’t suggest staying with him because he needs the type of help you and your mother can’t provide and it will take too big of a toll on you at a young age yourself. It’s not your responsibility.

    Some people in these comments need to learn a little bit of compassion towards a young person in obvious pain..

  11. so you know all this about your lovely boyfriend as you mentioned he was like this since you met him and still chose to be with him and enabled this behavior by letting your mom take care of him then you’re complaining about what exactly? you chose him. Weird

  12. He’s depressed. I can’t believe you’re saying he’s lazy. He lost both of his parents in such a short period of time. Just imagine how you would feel if your mom died today, bet it wouldn’t be so great. If you don’t want to be with him anymore that’s fine but don’t say he’s lazy. Sounds like that’s not the case

  13. It sounds like he needs to seek therapy to address both his grief over his parents’ dying and subsequent avoidance of it through video games.

    And you need to decide if that’s something that is worth giving him a chance at.

  14. It sounds like he either has depression or ADHD or both. He needs a mental health evaluation. But that doesn’t mean you’re responsible for him getting one. If he isn’t the right partner for you, walk away sooner rather than later.

  15. He is addicted to easy dopamine, probably has adhd. If he was kind and grateful he might be worth helping, but he just sounds like an ahole. You should breakup with him.

  16. My sister just finally started a divorce process from a guy like this…she’s BPD and has a lot of problems, but him? He was just a lazy fuck who smoked weed and played video games all day and literally got fired from every dead end job. He weaponized his incompetence. He drained her of her livelihood. We thought it was a therapy issue, but it’s not. He was just narcissist

  17. Why are you allowing your mom to pay for his lifestyle?
    He has responsibilities which contain bills.
    You beee to respect your mom and tell her she is no longer covering his bills. Why would he work when you’re both covering his living costs?

    He will have to work if he wants a phone. He will have to work to fill his car. He will have to work to pay insurance.

    This is more infuriating at you for allowing your mom to pay for things when you’re both adults in your own home.
    The lack of respect for her is sad really.

    He needs to wise up and the only way that’s going to happen is for the 2 of you to act like adults and stop using your mom.

  18. Sounds like he’s depressed, but I’m betting the kind that won’t admit it or, if he does, will use it as a crutch/ excuse. You’re better off letting go, if for no other reason than to stop him leaching from you and your mom.

  19. He sounds just like my ex husband right before I married him. I was an idiot and thought if I gave him space and time he’d grow up. He did not. I read posts like this and my advice is to get him out of your life.

  20. Has he been to grief counseling at all? I’m guessing no. You’re gonna have to be tough on him a bit. Either he gets some counseling at the very least, or you will have to plan your future without him. However you have to tell him, only you really know how to maneuver that. My dad died when I was 29 and if I knew then what I know now, things would have been different in my life. My old doctor had me way over medicated and it exacerbated every single problem. So please get him a doctor that isn’t just pill happy.

  21. Drop him. You’re only 20 and he’s old enough to know exactly how he’s taking advantage of the situation. He isn’t even paying half his rent, your mom is paying his way for everything, and he can’t even brush his teeth or respect the people taking care of him. He’s an adult capable of taking care of himself. I’m sorry he lost his parents, I’m sure he is depressed but you cannot fix that. He has to do that for himself. Nobody can force someone to take care of themselves, and you don’t deserve to be dragging his dead weight around while he eats, sleeps, and games on your mom’s dime.

    I’d tell your mom exactly what he says about her and ask for her help to kick him out. If his name is on the lease, speak to the landlord, or better yet remove your name and find a new place to crash. Leave him there with all his dirty laundry and let him figure out how to wash it himself. He’s already checked out of the relationship and expects you all to do everything for him. Do you really want to waste your life on someone like that? He’s giving you less than nothing.

  22. Yea I didn’t even finish reading this. Women need to stop dating literal adult children and stop normalizing their behavior. Get the fuck out and find a mature man, never look back. These dudes don’t change, and if they do it’s not for a long time and wondering why the hell no one will date them.

  23. I think I’m your heart if hearts and having read the other posters in this forum, it’s time to get out and go live your best life.
    This guy is a slacker and he make take years to mature into an adult.
    You don’t deserve to have to tolerate this sh1t, go out and live your best life and eventually the penny will drop with him but by then you’ll be in a much more positive space.
    I wish you well and please let us know how you get along x

  24. I wonder if he has ADHD. He reminds me of someone I live with who has ADHD. That doesn’t really change the advice to you. If you are unhappy with your relationship, then you need to talk to your partner about it. You are under no obligation to stay in a relationship that makes you unhappy. It is not your job to fix your BF, it is his job to fix himself (perhaps by seeking help if needed).

  25. It sounds like he is wanting you to fill the shoes of a Mother. He may also be depressed as he is showing signs of disassociation of personal health and hygiene. It seems like he doesn’t want to take responsibility and is neglectful of his duties.
    I would question if these things are important to you. If so, you’ll build resentment towards him..

  26. Stop sitting around and waiting. He’s using you. And your mom.

    Ditch him. I’m sure your mom would appreciate not having to find this loser any more.

    You’re not going to change him. This is who he is and who he chooses to be right now. There’s a good chance he will never change while he’s with you because the dynamic has already been established and is unlikely to change significantly. Cut him loose.

  27. OP. Why in the world did you move in together in the first place? You stated he’s always been like this. How long have you been together? Why is he living with you? Why is your mom paying for him? I think if mom set you up in an apartment to go to school that’s one thing but to let this overgrown child leech off of her is terrible. I can see you trying to “help” as his parents both died, maybe he needed a place to live? Otherwise. Why?? You need to apologize to your mom for allowing this situation to happen. Then ask for her help. Disconnect the WiFi/ cancel it. Turn off his phone. He can get his own plan. Stop buying food. Give him 30 day notice to pay rent, take care of his expenses and your living space. Basically to step up or move on. Be serious. This is about him abusing the situation and not giving AF about you or your mom.

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