Saturday, April 1, 2023
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Boyfriend is really bad at texting back and when I delete my texts he gets mad

My boyfriend is really bad at replying back to my texts, most times I have to wait 6-8-10 hours before he replies back. And before anyone comments that maybe he is busy working etc, then he right now does not have a job. He’s been applying for many, and he like to game, watch tv, watch football and go to the pub with his mates. He usually always have his phone nearby and with sound on.
I always reply back to him as fast as I can. Even when I’m at uni, going grocery shopping, working out, with my family, even when I’m ill I always always text him as fast as I see his text. We don’t live together and see each other once a week, so a lot of our communication together is through text. Sometimes when he doesn’t reply for many many hours I just delete the message cause it just feel like it probably wasn’t that important. He’ll then be mad at me for deleting it he said I put him in a bad mood when I do it.
He used to reply extremely fast and always wanted to talk to me, so when he now doesn’t really answer me in many hours I don’t feel as important as before or that my texts are important so sometimes I delete them. An example just today is that we usually texts each other good morning and goodnight. I texted him good morning today and 8 hours later he still has not replied. These are those kind of times I would usually delete my messages.

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  1. Would he let his mates wait 8 hours when asked out for a drink? Doubt it!

    He is not bothered about you anymore but keeping for certain benefits until someone else comes along!

  2. Stay with me here, but two different things are happening here:
    1) Your BF is, in fact, really bad at responding to texts in a normal timely fashion.
    2) You have some unhealthy behavior around your texting.

    To step back a bit, everyone has different communication styles, with friendship and relationships. His slowed down a bit past the newness of the relationship, which is a thing that happens for a lot of people.

    That said, it is more than fair to have some basic expectations around communication in a relationship. He isn’t meeting the expectations you have around communication in the relationship. You guys need to have a face-to-face conversation about that. You’d like to hear from him more throughout the day. Talk to him about how you feel when 8 hours have gone by without a “hey there, morning! busy day here but thinking about you” response. It makes you feel unimportant and not heard in the relationship. Express that (again, in a direct face-to-face convo) and talk about what is a reasonable thing for you both, because there is a reasonable amount of communication somewhere between rapid-fire and 10 hours.

    As to you, deleting the texts you sent when he doesn’t respond can come off as passive-aggressive behavior. Instead of saying what is really on your mind “hey, I haven’t heard from you all day!”, you are just going for the guilt. It’s not a healthy way to communicate that you are upset. And I get it, you feel like you were putting yourself out here and he’s not responding, so you want to almost take back that emotion you put out there. But again, that’s not healthy communication.

    I’ll also note here that while you feel the need to text him back immediately, the speed in which you respond isn’t going to change his behavior. I’m guessing there’s a part of your that is hoping that if you keep responding right away, he will do the same. He has shown that isn’t what he’s going to do, so pull yourself back from that hope/expectation. Also, that super quick response may come off as intimidating, especially if he knows the speed in his response is an issue. You don’t have to drop everything to respond to a text from your BF, or anyone else. Sometimes I don’t answer my partner right away, because I’m working and just want to keep focused, even when I see it. Sometimes I just need to figure out where they put the fucking tomatoes in the grocery store first before I respond to “what movie should we watch tonight?”. And that is ok. Give yourself and your BF a little space bit to breathe in that sense. Hopefully having a conversation with him about what your communication expectations are will take some of the pressure off yourself to text so quickly in response.

  3. Hey OP 🙂

    I understand how you feel in this situation and it is really hard to go through. It hurts because every time you try to talk to him you are offering him a chance to connect with you. Every time he rejects this connection you feel hurt.

    There was a study done on this topic by Dr Gottman. In this study 94% of couples that divorced did so because one partner was trying to connect with an unreceptive partner.

    You have every right to feel this way in this situation. If you are able to talk to him about this and come up with a compromise that you are genuinely happy with then this could be fixed. However it has to be something you are both genuinely happy with otherwise it will lead to more problems down
    the line.

    However, you mite discover in the long run that the two of you are just not compatible.
    I broke up with an ex because he didn’t like to communicate with me very often and honestly it was the best decision I could have made. He didn’t want to speak with me every day or hang out with me as often as I wanted to be around him.
    We had different needs and that’s ok.
    I now have a partner that will call me on his lunch break to joke around with me, and we will tag along with the other person while they do their errands. Honestly this made me much happier and if you feel the same way, maybe someone else mite be a
    better fit.

    Best of luck xx

  4. If he has time to do all these other things then he has time to reply to you. I’m sorry to say it sounds like he is taking you for granted. At the beginning of the relationship maybe he felt like he needed to “catch” you and now that he has he feels like he doesn’t need to put effort in anymore. It’s not a nice way to treat someone and you deserve better.

  5. I wouldnt delete my messages if I were you, I’d let those babies pile up. That’ll show you how much effort he puts into communicating with you. Right now it doesn’t feel like he cares much and he’s showing you that. You should believe his lack of effort and care.

  6. I’m going against the grain here of immediately recommending to leave him or reconsider the relationship. i think you should talk to him and ask what is causing him not to reply for long hours. there’s a chance that because he’s applying to lots of jobs, he isn’t able/doesn’t want to respond to you until he’s done with work? with my bf, during busy times in college, there might be periods of longer breaks because he’s busy with something. i think it’s a good idea to ascertain what might exactly be causing it — if he doesn’t give a good/reasonable reply then i would reconsider the relationship

  7. Yah that would really upset me too honestly. I sometimes text my partner throughout the day but I know he’s busy with work and stuff so when I don’t get a reply it’s not a big deal and I know he will reply when he can.

    It honestly sounds like he is ignoring you because it’s unlikely he is not touching his phone for that long during the day, especially if he isn’t that busy constantly with something that keeps him away from it.

    Have you brought up how it hurts you and makes you feel like you’re not a priority when he does this?

  8. Honestly, that’s a you problem. He takes 7-10 business days to message back and you reply at the speed of light.
    Then don’t. Just take your time. Do what you need to do and message him back later.

    I used to be you and it’s needless self inflicted hurt.
    My BF of two years is dogshit at messaging back and that has taught me to respond when I get chance and not stop what I’m doing to appease him.

    But probably don’t delete the message, that’s a bit petty and if he’s said it annoys him and you keep doing it it looks like you’re begging for attention.
    Maybe speak to him about it?
    Maybe he’s stringing you along.
    Maybe he thinks you’re needy.
    Maybe he thinks “I can be lazy because I have her wrapped around my finger and she always is free for me.”

    Who knows.

  9. I literally leave my competitive/ranked games when my boyfie calls, or stop and reply back if he texts no matter what the situation (ofc context matters, and would be different if I was presenting/a teacher/work stuff) but this is a massive red flag, if you know exactly how his lifestyle is and this is happening, then for sure something is not in place. People shitpost (literally shit and post) on the toilet, I don’t want to say “if he wanted to, he would” cause relationships are more complex but everything you mentioned shows that there is no desire and you’re way down low on his priority list. But
    First before pointing out anything you need to address the issue with him calmly without being accusatory, at the end of the day we can’t reach each others minds. Maybe start it like this

    “Hey <insert name you call him with here>, I’ve been concerned about some changes and would like some clarity on it as it’s making me feel uncomfortable. <insert issue here calmly>.”

    If nothing works out or makes sense from what he says afterwards, you better run, just don’t give him a chance to manipulate you that’s one thing!

    Edit: it’s best to do it on a phone call/voice note/ or in person (if possible) since it won’t take much of the context away

  10. My husband and I both work full time but if I text him, I can trust he’s going to respond in a timely manner and if he doesn’t then it’s for good reason. If you can’t rely on him to respond to you when this is your primary form of communication, then what is the point of having a relationship with him?

  11. He’s just not that into you. When a man is interested in a woman, she knows it. There’s no second guessing. Your relationship with this specimen has run its course, you deserve better. I would say there is likely a third party involved as his diminished interest is very telling

  12. >don’t feel as important as before or that my texts are important

    How you feel is how it is. He’s showing you how important you are to him. Do with that what you will.

  13. I didn’t even know texts could be deleted, I’m old school and prefer to call people. Maybe try calling him instead of texting. It seems like both of your texting styles are different types of immature.

  14. I’m sorry. I’ve been there. He’s either too lazy to be in an adult relationship or really doesn’t care about you as much as you care about him. I would bet money that he just doesn’t care. I’m not really hearing any redeeming qualities here. OP, you’re worth more than someone who doesn’t care to reach out.

  15. I think it shows you where his priorities are at. He wants to have his life but wants to come back to you when he has nothing else going on. It’s a respect issue. He does not respect you. As far as the deleting of things, that’s to keep you from confronting him and his behavior.

  16. On the one hand, your boyfriend seems like he’s lost interest in you and is stringing you along. On the other hand, your behavior is also pretty emotionally manipulative. All in all, you both probably have some things you could stand to work on before getting into another relationship.

  17. Question: does he have ADHD? Because I do and I’ll sometimes take days to answer my friends’ texts because I just can’t remember to do it. If that’s the case, I promise you it’s not a reflection of how much he loves you or how interested he is, it’s just how his brain works. If not, then that’s quite rude and I’d sit and have a heart-to-heart with him about how much it bothers you.

  18. If someone consistently took 5+ hours to reply every day or week I’d be turned off of the relationship. It’d be even more irritating if it was NEWLY found ignoring me. If their attention is somewhere else all the time, its on another person.


    Or he is just a really really bad texter.

  19. Look … this is Not normal, what you need to do is simple.
    just tell him again. Talk to him clearly.

    If he still keeps you waiting, it doesn’t worth fighting for..
    Let him go..

  20. Ok you’re dating your first bf ever, who is a bit older than you. He sounds uninterested, and lacking the balls to break up with you so he is trying like hell to get you to break up with him. He is truly not interested or HE WOULD ACT INTERESTED.

    You may be 21 (lol, as you would say) but yes you do act 12. Serious middle school vibes here.

    I think you need therapy more than you need a boyfriend right now or you’re setting yourself up for nothing but unhealthy relationships in your future.

  21. don’t send him messages anymore, and when he sends you a message don’t replay immediately, replay after like a day, and repeat the same action three times, just leave in mind, you might break up with him, and that’s okay, just date someone else, you deserve better.

  22. He either lost interest or he is taking you for granted and doesn’t feel the need to give you attention or put any efforts in your relationship.

    Most likely the benefits of having you in his life still outweight the cost of not having you, so he is stringing you along (using you for sex / chores ?). He becomes mad when you show him his lack of involvement by deleting your own texts he didn’t respond to, but he is essentially no longer into you.

    He might also have other activities or people he put all his emotional energy in, so there is none left for you.

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