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Boyfriend says hes asexual and wont have sex with me, should i break up with him?

My boyfriend of 4 years dropped a bomb a year and a half ago and said his asexual, he doesn’t enjoy sex and wants to stop having sex and try other things. Since then i didnt know if i needed to even touch him because i always felt like im sort of making him feel uncomfortable so he didnt touch me for almost a year now… All though says he is in love with me, sees me as his future wife and wants to try other things but doesnt want to do other things either. I accepted him and stayed but i am not asexual and i am feeling so sad and depressed, i love him too but i want to feel my best while i am young. I feel like he is taking a whole world from me, i feel like im hating him a little but for it. It also doesn’t make any sense to me if you are attracted to a person why wont you want to have sex him? How is he attracted to me? I feel completely unattractive, i don’t know what to do, should i ask to open up the relationship? Should we just break up? I have tried to talk multiple times with him but its like he doesn’t wanna listen when it comes to this subject.

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  1. Also asexual, and I can tell you attraction for aces isn’t about sexual desire, so I have no doubt he finds you very attractive. But you have much different sexual needs and that’s a common layer of incompatibility.

  2. OP, this is no good. I’m sorry, but this is one of those cases where the only solution is going apart. He is asexual, and by the sounds of it, sex repulsed as well. [Some asexuals do have sex to scratch the itch or to satisfy their partners -they just don’t experience sexual *attraction* in and of itself.] But he is even avoiding all sex.

    There is no good compromise here unless he is willing to let you fall in love and/or hook up with someone else who can fulfill your need for physical comfort and pleasure.

    Your boyfriend needs to find someone who doesn’t want sex with him but is still romantically attracted to him. And you would be happier with someone who can meet your romantic and sexual attraction and give the same.

    You deserve better than to stay in a relationship that is causing you to feel depressed and love starved.

    Note: To answer some of your questions. There are two types of attraction. Sexual and romantic. For most people, these two align with each other. But for some, they experience one, but not the other. And to some others, they experience both, but they are different. For example, asexual homororomantic, Aromantic asexual (also known as aro ace), bisexual homoromantic, panromantic asexual, heteroromantic demisexual, asexual heteroromantic with sex repulsion, etc.

  3. Relationships between asexual and allosexual people *can* work, but not like this. They require *more* communication and negotiation of boundaries and needs than a more conventional relationship, not less. If your boyfriend keeps shutting down any conversation you try and have, this cannot work.

    I know he is sending mixed messages with his words (wanting you to be his wife etc.) but you need to ignore that. People hate change, and they will say all kinds of things to avoid it. So the words of a person who *knows* that his relationship is in jeopardy don’t actually mean much. You have to judge this by his actions and behavior.

    It’s been a year and a half. More than than a quarter of your time together. You have tried talking to him about this subject many times, in many different ways. Being asexual doesn’t make him incapable of listening or comprehending words. So you have to believe. This *is* him. There is no magic button you can press, or secret code you just haven’t found yet, that makes him see things from your perspective and change his behavior. If there was, you’d have found it by now. You have to assume that this is exactly what your life will be like if you stay. Can you do this for the 50-60 years you have left on earth?

  4. >I feel like he is taking a whole world from me, i feel like im hating him a little but for it.

    It’s a tough situation, but his sexuality isn’t something he can control. He can’t just choose to want sex.

    I do think you should move on, you’re not sexually compatible… even if you did open the relationship, would you really feel fulfilled?

  5. Unless you are ok never having sex again then you are clearly incompatible.

    Your relationship shouldn’t make you sad, upset and angry. If it does then it isn’t the right relationship for you.

  6. I wouldn’t bring up the topic open relationships because if then you would be out there banging other people and he would just be sad about it, he can’t control that he doesn’t like sex and that’s okay. U should definitely break up if it does make you depressed

  7. i think, to him, when you approach the idea of becoming sexually active again, he feels like you’re pushing a boundary that breaches his comfort, therefor ignoring his lack of consent. physical intimacy seems to be very important to you, and an absolute “no,” to him. Similar to any other relationship, where one party wants to get married and the other hates the idea of marriage at all, some of these things are just immovable. despite how much you care about each other, these immovable things aren’t something you can compromise your way through. you’re just incompatible, trying to rekindle a sexual relationship is cruel to him and abstaining entirely from that intimacy is cruel to you. this is no one’s fault, but you need to break up.

  8. Asexuals and allosexuals can have functional healthy relationships but it requires compromise. If he’s not able to budge then it’s not workable.

    I’d also add that sexual attraction is different to aesthetic attraction and even mental attraction. For some of us they’re all intermingled, for others they’re not

  9. I just want to add that we have been friends for years before our relationship, it is tough to think about life without him/To be alone. I’m afraid to lose him , i wanted him to be with me for ever but this issue is keeping me up at hight.

  10. Hi, OP! Aro/ace here. This isn’t a “him” problem, and he’s not trapping you into anything. Your bf was up front about his discovered asexuality and told you about it. Yes, he can still be romantically attracted to you, but have no sexual attraction. That’s normal. The way that you’re internalizing his sexuality is really unhealthy, and you need to take a step back.

    You have discovered that you two are not sexually compatible, and you stayed. *You* made that choice, and you are resenting him for *your* decision. If you are unhappy in your current arrangement, then it is your responsibility to clearly communicate that with him, as well as state your needs. He cannot read your mind. If those needs are not something that he can provide, then it’s no one’s fault. You are simply incompatible.

    Make no mistake: the reason you are miserable right now is because you’ve put off having this discussion with your partner. I am sympathetic that you’re probably scared to do it, because I think you know deep down that you two have to break up. But that’s something that you need to do for yourself and for him. You both deserve to be with someone who *not only loves you* but is also *compatible* with you.

  11. OP without intimacy most relationships won’t last, and its actually unfair for someone who is asexual to tell someone, who is NOT a sexual, that they see a future with them.

    Because YOUR future would be sex and kids

    THEIR future is stting across the room from you absorbing your presence.

    So yes dear, you should leave.

  12. Doesn’t want to have sex and doesn’t want to listen… But he is in love with you and wants you to be his wife? That does not make sense and it’s selfish, all about himself, not caring how you may feel.

    Please run from this… Even therapy won’t change things, he is trapping you.

    I don’t think an open relationship is the solution, it would hide the problem and not eliminate it.

    Maybe separate for a while and see other people?

  13. If you don’t mind answering these, what’s the age of you two? Why didn’t he tell you this from the beginning, why wait 2.5 yrs to tell you and how much sex did you to have in the beginning of your relationship? If he’s truly asexual he would have been that way from the beginning. I’m just curious if it he was this way from the beginning or if it started a year and a half ago. Is he using it a an excuse because he has someone else?

  14. Boyfriend says hes asexual and wont have sex with me, should i break up with him?

    You are answering your own questions…Asexual behavior of your boyfriend is causing self doubts about yourself emotionally and physically, thus denying intimancy between you and him as a couple by not bonding with him, which is an important aspect for any healthy relationship. Thus you are asking for help from Reddit posters. This a kind of last ditch effect by you, because you cannot find answers from him…by him not communicating to you. Your love language is being torpedoed by him by denying you access to him physically, such as holding hands, physical touching and bonding etc. Which is cutting you off for expressing your love and feelings for him. Even though he stated he loves you, it may be time to Reevaluate your relationship with him. You may want to start a family..but your being rebuked by your boyfriend who is in Asexual mode that doesn’t sync will with your goals for a healthy relationship. You are slowly having growing resentment towards him which is like a tree growing stronger by the day to the point of emotional hatred and the eventual destruction of the relationship. Look at this way…you are the Titanic and your Boyfriend’s Asexual lifestyle is the Iceberg that’s going to sink you, annihilate and scar you for a very long time.

  15. Me I would ejy have a sexless future only and only when he feels like it? No marriage is about working as a team and looking after each other eichmann includes there needs irrespective of other feelings. No this doomed if your thinking long term. This will not be a marriage in the true sense?

  16. You’re not shallow or selfish for wanting a healthy sex life. It sounds like he just changed the rules for your relationship contract and you didn’t have any agency in that decision. He can’t completely change his side of the relationship and demand you just be fine with it.
    Would you be okay with opening the relationship? Other than that, break up and be with friends

  17. Sex is such an important part of a relationship. Y’all just aren’t compatible in that aspect so find someone who will be. Don’t waste your time trying to please him or hoping he will change, cuz you have needs to. You always gotta put yourself first boo, that’s how it is.

  18. Hi friend. I’m demisexual, so maybe I can help a bit. I do feel attracted to people, physical attraction isn’t the same as sexual attraction thou. It just isn’t. I can think someone is beautiful but not want to sleep with them, it’s just how I am.
    I know that for allosexual people sex is very very important in relationships. For me it’s like… you know when you want to go hiking? You want to but if you don’t it would be okay. No problem. No life altering. This is how I see sex. He is probably kinda like this, I would suggest talking to him, explaining how you feel & trying to compromise. If he is sex-positive he may agree to try. But honestly? Even if he agrees to have sex with you, it probably won’t be as often as you would like, he is asexual after all. Pls consider if this is too much for you, you guys aren’t sexually compatible, maybe think about breaking it off in the future. All the best, friend. Hope I helped some

  19. Okay, so first of all, yes, you should break up with him. I’m sorry, but it sounds like you aren’t capable of a happy relationship with somebody who does not experience sexual attraction towards you and does not like sex.

    >It also doesn’t make any sense to me if you are attracted to a person why wont you want to have sex him? How is he attracted to me?

    There are different types of attraction. If you experience them all, it can be difficult to recognize those differences if you’ve never thought about it before. The obvious two are sexual attraction and romantic attraction.

    Asexual people experience little to no sexual attraction, it sounds like he experiences none at all. In his case, he is also sex-repulsed/sex-averse, which means he simply does not enjoy sex. Not all ace people are that and not all sex-averse people are ace, but he seems to be both.

    Other types of attraction include sensual attraction and aesthetic attraction (platonic’s the other big one I know of, but obviously that doesn’t really apply here). Aesthetic attraction is like, appreciating someone’s looks and being attracted to that, but not in a sexual way. Sensual attraction is the desire for physical, non-sexual affection, like cuddling. So, he may experience romantic, aesthetic, and sensual attraction towards you (and maybe other types I’m unaware of).

    The reason he doesn’t want sex is simply because sex is not enjoyable to him because all people are different. There’s nothing wrong with this, and there’s nothing wrong with feeling insecure because your partner doesn’t want to have sex. It also doesn’t mean you are unattractive, or that he is not attracted to you. It has nothing to do with you and everything to do with how his brain is wired.

    It just means that, unless you believe you can work through these feelings and be happy with someone who doesn’t want sex and doesn’t experience sexual attraction, you’re probably incompatible. Based on what you’ve said here, it seems to me like sex is important enough to you that you probably can’t work through it, as most allosexual (not asexual) people require sex to be happy in a relationship. I’m very sorry. You deserve somebody who can fulfill your needs, and he deserves somebody who doesn’t need sex to be happy.

  20. I would say you need to communicate with him, but you guys, unfortunately, are not compatible. He’s asexual and you’re not. Staying with him will not fulfill you, but he also shouldn’t feel forced to engage in something he doesn’t want to. I’m sorry and I wish you luck.

  21. well if sex is important to you, then yes, you should break up, unless you dont mind not having sex the rest of ur life. it would be better for you to break up with him now than later, cus later it will just be harder for the two of you

  22. Asexuals do not experience sexual attraction at all, he may be romantically attracted to you but that’s it.

    I personally think you should break up because you’re not compatible..

  23. I have loved and had a sexless relationship with a man for a year. I don’t think he knew the term asexual and he started going to see the doctor because he couldn’t maintain an erection. I felt totally unwanted and our relationship ended. We remained close as friends and eventually he explored other relationships and learned that he was asexual. He dated another asexual girl which worked for him before she decided to transition female to male. He is attracted and wants a female in his life, but he just doesn’t want to have sex. Dude loves to cuddle and feel closeness. He still loves the idea of love and getting married someday. I’m glad he figured that out and can talk about it in his future relationships. I’m surprised your relationship went on as long as it did but if you are interested in having sex then it’s best to end it now.

  24. You have done your part you have tried talking to him but he dismisses you leave him you deserve a partner that satisfy your needs you are clearly not compatible and the relationship should have ended when he said he don’t want to have sex whit you anymore leave for your own sake ❤️.

  25. I’m not asexual and I find people attractive that I would never sleep with

    But as far as your actual relationship unless you’re willing to stay in a relationship with zero sex forever this is the wrong relationship for you

  26. Yeah no leave him. Sex is a healthy and regular part of any marriage or relationship, and not wanting it is a sign of other mental issues you may not be able to deal with. Leave.

  27. >i am not asexual

    >i am feeling so sad and depressed

    >I feel like he is taking a whole world from me,

    >i feel like im hating him a little but for it

    >he doesn’t wanna listen when it comes to this subject

    This relationship was over 18 months ago. Why have you stayed when it’s clear you aren’t compatible?

    He doesn’t care about your wants and needs. Only manipulating you into staying. That’s selfish and cruel.

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