Saturday, April 1, 2023
HomeRelationship AdviceCaught my wife, of 13 years, cheating with a co-worker

Caught my wife, of 13 years, cheating with a co-worker

Just here to get straight to the point. My wife and I have been married since we were 25. We are 38 now. We met in college, got married and everything has been great. We both graduated, got good jobs, and started our lives together. Me and my wife both made good money, so money was never an issue for us. My wife worked for her dad’s small business while I worked for a very large company. After a few years, my boss left the company out of nowhere and they needed someone to take over. The only person who knew how to run the department was me. So, I got a major pay jump, better bonus, better benefits. The works. So, at 28 I was making probably 3x + plus more than my wife.

At 28, the same year, my wife gave birth to our first daughter. Then, two years later, our second. My wife, due to working for her father, was able to be more diverse in working. Well, around 5 years ago, my father-in-law passed away unexpectedly. That left my mother-in-law and wife in a hard position. Sell the company or run it themselves. My mother-in-law had no clue how to run it, so my wife said she would do it. After my wife took the company, it did just as well as when her father ran it. With that being said, my wife got a huge pay increase, more than me. I was proud of her. Going from a basic worker to running a whole company isn’t easy. Anyway, our daughters started suffering from not seeing their parents. Me and my wife discussed one of us staying home. She said, “The company you work for will be fine without you. Mine could go under.” I agreed, so I quit my job and became a stay-at-home dad/husband.

I do everything. I make sure the girls are all taken care of. I cook, clean, fix things, make sure errands are run, you name it. I pamper my wife when she gets home from working. This went well for a while until about a year ago. My wife was always very appreciative of what I did and loved it. She has become very mean lately. Like just saying things like, “do you do anything” or “How about you work for real?”. What? I work my ass every day making sure you don’t have to lift a finger when you get home at all. Also, I had a “real job”, but I quit to raise and take care of the girls, our home, and you. Not to mention my wife is very sexual. Always has been. She quit initiating sex and when I ask she is never in the mood. That was very odd. Eventually, I quit trying. I just thought, with all the pandemic crap and everything else, she was just very stressed and it was getting to her. I started trying harder to make her happy. Nothing ever worked.

Last weekend, my oldest had a softball game. So, I get everything ready and we go. During the game, I wanted to take a video for my mom and dad since they live in another state and don’t get to see my daughters that often. I forgot my phone so I asked my wife if I could see hers. She had been attached to it all day so it would be good for her to get off it. Anyway, she hands it to me and says she is going to get a drink and a snack. She gets up. I video my daughter when a message comes up on some app. I check and I cant even fathom what I see. My wife and this guy from her work, who is 8 years younger, are sexting and sending videos and pics. Talking about how great the sex was and then me. He is saying how I am some wimp who can’t get a real job taking care of his women and my wife agrees with him. I couldn’t believe this shit I saw. I was so devastated and angry all at the same time. I heard my wife coming back, so I closed the app and started videoing. On the ride home and when we get home, my wife tries to talk to me and I am not in the mood. Eventually, we lay in bed and, for the first time, I guess they hadn’t met in a while, tried to have sex. I tell her I am not in a mood. She says, “If you are going to be a bitch about everything, you can sleep on the couch”. I got up and went to the couch and now have been here since.

I don’t know how to move forward with this. I really just don’t know where to start. My wife was my everything, my girls are my world, and all of that is dying.

Any advice would be wonderful as I really fucking need it.


Wife and I met in college and got married. Her dad died and she took over the family business. I became a stay at home dad and she is cheating on me.

Edit: Should have mentioned I did send screenshots of the conversation to my phones. I do have the evidence.

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  1. Sorry to hear that this has happened to you. A few thoughts and bits of advice.
    1. Relationships rest on two foundations: trust and respect. By cheating, she has betrayed your trust. Not only has she cheated in you, but she’s cheated on your daughters; she has betrayed their trust. I won’t tell you not to forgive her, but I will say that if there aren’t serious consequences for her betrayal of your trust, then she won’t respect you.
    2. Once a cheater, always a cheater. If you do manage to reconcile, you’ll always have that little, nagging suspicion in the back of your mind when she’s “working late”. Don’t be surprised if, when you’re trying to make love, you get a vision of the affair partner on top of her. You’ll never really trust her again… not like you used to.
    3. Forgiveness is something that we tend to think of in very shallow terms, but forgiveness doesn’t excuse people from the consequences of their actions. Any priest who takes confession will tell you the same. Forgiving her is not the same thing as staying married, and you may not be able to forgive her until there is some time and distance between the two of you. EDIT: There must also be penance for forgiveness to occur. I would suggest that at a minimum she needs to confess her affair to her mother (with you listening) and take other steps to own her transgression.
    4. Talk to am attorney to find out you options, good bad and ugly.
    5. Related to (4) DOCUMENT EVERYTHING.

  2. I’m sorry this is happening to you. I know Reddit is “divorce happy” but in this case, she has lost respect for you all the way around. I think it’s time to get a lawyer and start preparing to move forward without her.

  3. This one’s easy. Next time you have her phone, screenshot the proof and send it to yourself (maybe under the excuse of sending yourself the video). Get the meanest lawyer you can find to divorce her, take half her business and savings, and sue for child support and alimony. Since you are a SAHP, you’re more likely to get full custody than she is. You gave up everything for her and she threw it in your face. I’d go scorched earth.

    I know, people often say leaving isn’t that easy. I did it. Now that I’m on the other side, I can wholeheartedly say it was the best decision of my life.

  4. I’m sorry you’re going through this.

    I agree with the others to find an attorney asap. I should have done it sooner and I regretted not doing so. If I could do it all over, I’d file for divorce asap.

  5. Consult with a lawyer first and foremost. Do not expose her before talking to an attorney, especially if you are in a fault state you may want to get screenshots of her affair. Follow your lawyers advice to a T, there is no coming back from this one.

    As a divorced parent myself, it will be rough for a while and then get easier but you know what you have to do.

  6. Sorry OP but your marriage is over. Your wife is a disgusting vile pig and has disrespected you in every way as a man. I’d have a hard time not kicking the shit out of the guy she’s cheating with. But, I’ve been through something similar to this and here’s what I did:

    Make sure and get electronic & printed out copies of all her communications with the guy she’s cheating with and screenshots as well as the server, IP data from your router. Change all passwords and take copies of all insurance, policies, deeds, birth certificates, marriage license, wills, her soc sec card, & all contracts associated with the marriage. Additionally, get all electronic financial & accounting as well as banking data from her company. Then file for divorce first.

    Kick her out of the house, change the locks, communicate only through an attorney. She deserves nothing but cold legal retribution for what she has done which is betray you & her family.

  7. She’s going to be pissed when she finds out that she’s the one who will be paying alimony to you, not the usual way, and that it’s her fault for wanting you to quit your job instead of her.

  8. She has been neglectful towards you for a while now and it seems almost abusive. I don’t think there is a way to come back from that. Get an attorney get the papers ready and sit her down. Say I know you have been cheating on me, I say the messages and your treatment of me has been terrible, because of this here are the divorce papers. I would sue for alimony, half of everything, child support and try to set up a life where you can take care of your kids without her. She seems like the type that won’t want the kids now that she has a young boy toy.

  9. I’m sorry. You don’t deserve to be treated this way.

    Please consult with a lawyer ASAP. This doesn’t mean you *have* to get divorced, but knowing what your options are will let you plan your next move from a place of confidence instead of a place of fear.

    You should also look into getting a job outside the house. It’ll be good for your self-esteem even if you stay, and will give you security if you decide to leave.

  10. You need to do get her phone. Tonight if possible. You need to take pictures of everything.

    Tomorrow you should contact a lawyer and start looking for a job. Get everything in order before confronting her. Do not leave your home! It’s important to stay in possession of the house. Listen to what the lawyer tells you.

    I’m not one to just jump on the divorce train, but she was talking shit about you with her lover. That’s just disgusting.

    I’m so sorry that this happened to you.

  11. I think you should have replied to the guy. “Hey this is the husband. I had a great job but wifey needed me to stay home because her business would have gone under. What other lies has she been telling you?”
    Also you should have told her to move her cheating ass to the couch. You are not the bad guy OP! Your wife is! Treat her like one!

  12. For everyone who is immediately asking him to get a lawyer, don’t stop there.
    Think about context. He does not have a job, meaning him being a man as well, would mean child custody is harder. She can easily blame the cheating on him not working and him pushing her into it, there by him losing his daughters.

    The first thing you need to do is collect a lot of proof. Courts are a little iffy with men proving stuff against women, so get proof, all messages, whatever you can
    Record conversations between you two, possibly get her to admit she cheated. And then have some proof of why you left the job for taking care of your daughters (again get her to admit that)

    Now, you possibly have a case for custody. Money is nothing, as once you go back to work you ll earn. Your daughters, they are precious.

    And reddit, when someone asks for advice, be detailed. Don’t do it for fucking karma.

  13. First you should confront her and tell her what you saw and what you read. Call her out on her shit. Remind her why you’re in the situation your family is in. She what she says. If she wants to work it out with you or not. You should seek legal counsel either way even if you both decide to work it out.

  14. As many have said, talk to a lawyer. He’ll tell you what can be done legally and what will be useful in the divorce. Getting evidence may not help the case at all, but could help you remember who she really is whenever you’re faltering. Pretend you know nothing until you decide on what to do, and follow your lawyer’s recommendations. Once it’s all out in the open, consider some therapy for your and your kids – and maybe have them DNA tested. Check r/survivinginfidelity and r/SupportforBetrayed for support; you’re not the only one who has been through this. Focus on eating and sleeping right, and keep family and friends around – you’ll go through a lot in the near future.

  15. I would strongly lean towards divorce in this case. Get proof and see an attorney and see if your in an at fault state. Also go file for child support the minute you file for divorce. Yes you can do that while living with her.

    Next even if you do want to reconcile please consider this. She has unfairly completely emasculated you. So on top of transparency to make sure you are not being played again. You also have to somehow completely play the struggle for power game. You would have to make her deal with the consequences of her actions so much and be so convinced you think so little of her that she actually wants to change. You would need to treat her like a misbehaving teenage child. Putting parenting style apps on her phone. Making her change jobs. Making her hand her phone over to be checked daily. Making her beg for you to forgive her. Being honest enough with her to tell her she is not a terrible human and should thank you for not leaving her. Making her write you a full timeline and confession. Make her tell all your friends and family. Make her tell his SO if he has one. Preferably in person if possible. If you aren’t capable of all that and then some. Just go for the divorce. Even if she begs at first she doesn’t respect you at all. She never will unless you force it to happen.

  16. I’m so sorry this is happening to you and I hope that you can get into therapy after the divorce, take care of YOURSELF so you can take care of your daughters. You deserve so much better than this. Document everything, get a lawyer, and keep quiet so she doesn’t figure out what’s going down.

    Also don’t leave your house or she could try claiming you abandoned everything.

  17. depending on where you live and what your divorce laws are, lawyer up and collect any evidence you can get. consider a private investigator if your lawyer suggests it or not.

    be prepared to talk about alimony, child support, splitting of assets and finances.

    above all else, as much as it pains you, keep a poker face as best you can until your lawyer maps out a course of action.

  18. First, start taking care of yourself. Kids, you, then wife last.

    Second, look for some way to ease stress you’re going through, you need alone time to think about what you want. Take walks, meditate ..corny but it helps

    Third, gather evidence.

    Fourth plan for the long game. If divorce is what you decide eventually, prepare a careful exit strategy. It may not be what you want also, but it may happen.

  19. why did you have to sleep on the couch? she,s being the bitch with her affair partner. TAKE CONTROL OF THIS SITUATION! start gathering evidence that will hold up in court, consult a lawyer, and divorce her!!!! also, why did you put her in complete control of your life and finances WHEN YOU QUIT YOUR GREAT PAYING JOB? divorce her, she deserves it!!

  20. Shit situation, you sound like a loving and honorable man, and I’m sorry you’re going through this. But, bigger picture, you’ve lost touch with your purpose and because of that, you’ve also lost touch with your masculine core. You need to reconnect with both. When men lose sight of their purpose and sacrifice it for the sake the family, they can not only lose their masculine edge, but they lose the feminine’s trust and also her sexual desire, at least for him. It sounds like this is what’s happened in your marriage and you need to get off the back foot. You’re a powerful man, remember, have you’ve lost sight of that? Do what it takes to get back in control of your life and become unpredictable to her. The arrangement you agreed upon isn’t working, it’s been at a massive cost. The marriage may well be over, or maybe it can be resolved, if that’s what you want, but the dynamic will have to change. It’s easy to paint your wife as the villain, but moving forward you’d be better to communicate kindly and honestly and separate consciously if that’s where it’s headed, because you’ll still both have to parent, and it’s the kids who suffer the most. Get busy and open yourself up to the change that’s already forced it’s way in. Trust that it had to happen this way in order to lead you back to yourself and into a more aligned way of life. And if you do get things back on an even keel with your wife, don’t let her take charge, at least never of you. The more solid you are at staying in your core and honoring your masculine purpose, the more polarized the relationship, making it stronger and more long lasting. Good luck.

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