Saturday, April 1, 2023
HomeRelationship AdviceCheating fiancé, over Instagram DMs

Cheating fiancé, over Instagram DMs

Not even sure what to say. I don’t frequent Reddit besides for stock information. On my birthday, my fiancé (24f) of 2 years sat me down (23m) and told me a guy on Instagram sent her inappropriate DMs and she blocked him.

Ok, fine. If that was the end of it, no big deal right? Except, the next day she said “well actually it was a little more than that and I want to be fully honest with you, he said those things and I told him it made me horny and THEN I blocked him”.


So, I left our house needed time to think. Came back late after driving all around and slept on the couch. I talked to her again, and found out yet again she was lying more. They were going back and forth flirting for over a week. Talking about how she thinks of him in the shower touching herself. 3 counts of half truths and lies. And it took me a while to pry out of her it was longer than she let on. She said it’s her medications, mental health, boredom and she’s so sorry and wants to seek therapy and do anything to make it better delete social media etc.

I wouldn’t care half as much if it weren’t for the lying. I feel disrespected and I’ve got a bit of toxic masculinity going on so it’s hard for me to swallow my pride and accept this. Keep in mind this all happened over Instagram, this guy doesn’t even live near us. And, if she’s to be trusted, there wasn’t any images or videos or anything else going on. Just words. So, is this sufficient enough to leave her? The issue is we live together and have a dog together, and obviously are engaged.

TL;DR fiancé cheated on me, told me half the truth and got caught up in several lies, presumably over fear of losing me, then blamed it on manic episode and medications.

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  1. This is about you. If it is “sufficient enough” for *you* to feel like you cannot trust her or do not trust or do not feel attracted anymore, that is certainly a good enough reason to end things. You are not obligated to stay with someone lying to you. If you want to work it out, maybe you could, but U think you need to really get in touch with how *you really feel*and not how she hopes you feel or how you think you should feel. Take time away if you need…

  2. This is more than enough to leave her. She cheated on you, strike one. She tried to lie about it multiple times, strike two. She then tried to make all these excuses about her mental health and medication causing it to try and manipulate you into feeling bad for holding her accountable for her actions, I know that sounds harsh but it is the unpleasant truth, strike three. What more reason do you need not to stay with her? Marrying this woman or continuing a relationship with her is just accepting that you are going to be with someone who has no issue disrespecting you and lying to you about it. End this relationship for your own sake before she continues to cause you unhappiness and trust issues.

  3. Hot take, but the phrase toxic masculinity shouldn’t be equated to feeling hurt about your monogamous partner cheating. If anything, that promotes more toxic masculinity, as if men should be stoic instead of having emotions over this highly emotional moment.

    As for advice, I don’t know if I can say anything no one else has yet. She’s not loyal, and you have to decide if you can handle someone who isn’t loyal to you. Not everyone can, and it sounds like you couldn’t from how this comes off. I can tell you personally I would feel infuriated in your shoes

  4. Did you see the messages from the guy to see if she sent pics back to him? your continuously getting half truths and she is coming up with bullshit excuses for her cheating. If their was something lacking she should have talked to you about it, not start fucking around on the internet with another guy. Id consider leaving her for this because you will probably never fully trust her again

  5. JFC it’s not toxic masculinity to not accept your partner cheating and then lying about it multiple times. I’m not going to say you should end things, that’s up to you, but having boundaries and values in place and them getting stomped doesn’t make you a bad guy.

  6. Dude, stop with this “toxic masculinity” bullshit. You not wanting your gf to cheat is not toxic, it is healthy.
    She is lying and using her sexuality to get affirmation from other men, if anything this would be “toxic femininity”, but this term is dumb as well. It is just plain old shitty behaviour

  7. Ah, she blamed her medication. I am bipolar with manic depression with schitzo tendencies. I am on an TON of meds and never have I thought let me get some attention from a different guy. Nah. Meds don’t work like that.Your need for attention does. So with that my good sir just remember the first time she feels lonely, this will happen again. The issue is her need for self satisfaction.

  8. Why is she even telling you this? That’s the weird part. People who cheat normally keep it to themselves. It’s almost like she is testing you to see how much she can get away with. I would leave her. You can’t trust her for good reason and she sounds like trouble

  9. Brahhhh…. where’s the toxic masculinity? What are you talking about? If the situation was reversed she would be cussing you out and demanding to see your phone, is that toxic masculinity?

    You need to leave her, and here’s why…. she did all that and you had no clue…. right?

    She said she masturbated in the shower to him…. “to what”? An empty profile pic and words?

    They exchanged videos and nudes.

    Now the big issue? WHY DID SHE COME OUT? She came to you and she trickle truth you.

    Why do you think she volunteered this information? Yet also hid a lot of it…..

    Because the guy or the guys SO…. found out about you and threatened to out her if she didn’t come clean.

  10. Sufficient enough to leave? My buddy, RUN.
    Be grateful this didn’t happen after y’all got married.

    The only reason you need to leave is that you’re unhappy. That’s it. That would be enough. Something like this is absolutely more than enough justification.

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  12. Ima just be blunt. Don’t be a p*ssy and tell her to pack her shit. It’s not “toxic masculinity” to have respect for yourself and if you stay in this relationship you undoubtedly do not respect yourself. Starting over isn’t nearly as bad as staying with or getting married to a fucking cheater. If you stay then you’ll find out for yourself and you’ll also have wasted a bunch of your time for nothing so… yeah. Put yourself first in this situation because she’s obviously the type to do the same.

    P.S- she’s still lying to you and has probably done so 1000x before this incident.

  13. It isn’t toxic masculinity to not want to be with someone who cheated on you and lies to you. It’s called being normal. It looks like she hasn’t taken accountability but has all sorts of excuses (her meds??? I’m sorry, side effect: cheating… I think not). Also, her trickle truth is not a good sign.

  14. Not gonna lie bro it might be time to call it quits. If a guy out of town or state can get your gf to do all that imagine what someone who’s closer in your area can do.. I went through a similar experience where my ex played Imessage games with a guy she met on Instagram after making a post saying who wants to play Imessage games.. Long story short he didn’t stay close to our state but even so they were sending ass pics and dick pics. I felt hurt and devasted, it made me feel lame honestly. Well anyway that stopped but she later started sneaking with guys she met in dating apps.

  15. In any good healthy relationship, trust is the foundation. What she did here is essentially shatter that trust and you have every right and good reason to not trust her any longer.

    Whether you try to continue this relationship is entirely up to you and her and how much effort you put into therapy and trying to trust again, but it is very tiring and exhausting and frankly hard to try and trust someone who broke it so badly.

    If it were me I’d call it quits

    Sorry this happened to you

  16. Toxic masculinity, really?
    Feeling mad and disrespected because your lied to you about something as major as cheating on you is not toxic, it’s friggin’ understandable.

  17. Absolutely don’t marry her,

    Mental health can make people do some shady stuff but me with my several issues have never felt the need to engage with anyone in this way if it is not my husband.

    She enjoyed the horny talk then freaked out thinking you might notice a change or maybe she told a friend who threatened to tell you.

    Either way she had an emotional affair, thought of him while masturbating and lied several times to you.

    You deserve better.

  18. Did she tell you you have toxic masculinity? Cause I gotta tell you…. manipulation is a strong ass drug and most people don’t realize they were being fed it until you’re in too deep.

    You’re never in too deep. Drop this lying asshole and move on. If y’all live together maybe it’ll take a day or a month or a few months but get it done. No one deserves to be with a liar.

  19. If she entertains the advances of other men, that’s cheating. Plain and simple. Don’t marry this chick. You’ll be beating yourself up later if you go through with this marriage because this pattern of behavior will undoubtedly evolve beyond the internet.

  20. Bruh she told him she thinks of him while touching herself. What more do tou want? If she respected you as a fiancee she wouldn’t have done that. Plus it’s not toxic masculinity it’s just masculinity. You need to make her respect you. You failed so move on

  21. >She said it’s her medications, mental health, boredom and she’s so sorry and wants to seek therapy and do anything to make it better delete social media etc.

    But of course, it very modern to blame everything on mental health. “I sucked a guy! Sorry, it’s my depression!”. Ew!

  22. This is more than. Enough to dump her. She came and told you herself, which I guess would have been fine, but she then lied, unprovoked, for no reason. If she was going to tell you, why not tell the whole truth? She could have never said anything at all.

    But she lied to gauge what she could get away with.

    It’s one thing if you were married with kids,
    It’s another now, you don’t have kidsz or marriage and just a dog.

    It will escalate, because bored, medication and so on, that’s not reasons that’s excuses.

    Those same reasons are reasons she could feasibly do it again and again and simply just do it again.

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