Friday, March 24, 2023
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Controlling Or Genuine Concern/Love

Hi guys!
My(21F) boyfriend(22M) have been together for almost 1 year now. if it helps with what im about to say but hes a practising muslim and i a practicing christian.

We overall have a pretty good relationship and i feel we communicate what we feel quite well.

My bestfriend(21F) of 10 years birthday is coming up and she was initially supposed to do it at the club with a bunch of her friends. when i told him about this, he was worried and rather i not go because he’s afraid of what could happen to me if i’m there. 2 days ago, she messaged me saying shes changing it to an airbnb instead and doing a house party.

when i showed him the text his first respone was “youre not goi-…” he didnt finish since i made a face because i knew he was gonna say “ youre not going” but he laughed it off.

i asked him what his concerns are and this is what he said
– its too far (15km away)
– he trusts me but not other people (boys)
– hes afraid that someone will Roofie my drink
– hes not fond of my bestfriend in general bc she feels shes a bad influence

he said if he really had a say he we would not want me to go.

im honestly stuck on what to do and how i can make both people happy here. i love him and i also love my bestfriend

despite what he said he said it was my choice but idk if he’s genuinely looking out or just controlling/insecure

i never gave him a reason to feel insecure whenever he wants/goes on my phone i have no problem with it, i rarely go out with friends and im either at work home or school.

** i did tell him to come but he dosnt want to

tldr my bf does not want me to go to my bestfriends birthday

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  1. Definitely controlling behavior. If he was genuinely concerned, he would accept the invite and go with you instead of having you miss out on your best friend’s birthday. If you give in and accept his reasoning, you will eventually become isolated from your friends.

  2. Controlling…because he was going to tell you what you can and cannot do. Boundaries are one thing, but that is something that BOTH partners communicate and negotiate, not an ultimatum. He’s checking to see how much he can get away with. You need to stand your ground and be assertive. Not hanging out with friends much can be very isolating and make your social support network smaller. It is always important to have your own life and other support systems (friends, family, religious community, coworkers, etc.) outside of your partner.

    But also, be responsible when you go to a party:

    – if you put a drink down, or look away from your drink, it is no longer ingestable (potential roofie).

    – if someone offers you a drink, either ask for a closed bottle or you see the drink being made. Otherwise, do not drink it.

    – Although an airbnb is more controlled bc less people, I would recommend not losing total control or being designated driver to prevent someone from taking advantage.

    You are an adult and your bf should trust you in making your own decisions.

  3. My partner is studying halfway across the world, and when she goes out with her friends all i can say is “remember to be vigilant.”

    That goes the same even when she’s right beside me, because I have no power over her and I shouldn’t expect to control her due to my concerns over her well-being

  4. No, he doesn’t get a say. You get to say “I’m going to my friend’s party, I’ll be back the next morning and I’ll be in touch then.” He gets to say “have fun and be careful!”. And that’s it.

  5. It is controlling. Controlling behavior can easily be masked as concern. He may not even realize it’s controlling, but it is.

    One thing that really stuck out to me is that he thinks your friend is a bad influence. This is a common tactic of abusive partners. They try to manipulate you into cutting off your friends so that they can keep you closer.

    This article about controlling relationships explains it much better than I can:

    Please be careful. The fact that you’re questioning this is good. These things escalate. It starts really small and you get brainwashed into thinking everything is normal until one day you realize you have completely lost your freedom.

  6. Coming from a guy that has left friends to keep my previous girlfriends happy. Never leave a friend especially if you’d known them for 10 plus years.

    When i ended up breaking up with the relationships, I was left with zero friends all because I stopped hanging out and talking to the friends I had before meeting the person.

    Yes, as a guy I get his point but I ended up learning that it’s controlling and feeling insecure. To this day I don’t like when a girl tries to guilt trip me when I want to go out with the boys once in awhile. So I will never do that to my SO.

    If you go, the best way to make him feel comfortable is to keep him updated. I’m not saying every five minutes, but more like updates like “hey, we moved houses, or we going to the store.” If you end up sending pictures that would be your choice but that’s something you should not feel forced to do.

    If he’s already doing this at a one year mark and you let him continue this behavior, mark my words, you will end up resenting him because you stoped doing what you want all to make him happy. You’ll stop being yourself and that is not being in a happy relationship.

    I don’t trust some of my wife’s friends but she knew them far longer and I still won’t stop her from going out. I have to blindingly trust her and if she ends up cheating then it will be her lost and not mine.

  7. That sounds controlling to me. It’s one thing to express concerns and ask you to be safety conscious, but something else entirely to say you’re not going.

  8. It’s controlling. Bad things happen all the time but going to a house party with people you know is not some ridiculous or abnormal risk. If it’s not just controlling behavior then he would feel the same way about getting in a car or flying on a plane or walking in the bathroom with wet feet.

  9. I had an ex – an ABUSIVE ex – that did this and I invented a term for it in my mind: Toxic Concern

    Examples of things he said, followed by what was intended:

    1. “You shouldn’t leave your window open at night, someone could break in!” Then, one morning he came over unannounced (at the time this was fine, he’d drop by for breakfast….. this was before I realized he was trying to catch me cheating…. I never did or would but HE was) and I had my window open. He literally threw a tantrum about “What did I tell you about that window????” I was like “Dude. If someone is going to break in they’re just gonna do it. Glass breaks. That’s a fiberglass screen. Doors can be kicked in. What’s your point?” Control. Controlling everything. That was his point. Because he didn’t have an answer.

    2. “Don’t go to the store in this storm because then I’ll have to stay up and worry about you and I work early tomorrow!” REAL concern would be “It’s really bad out, and if you don’t have to go out you probably shouldn’t. But can you at least text me when you get home just so I know you’re safe?” HE controlled his sleep. NOT what *I* felt safe driving in or what I deemed necessary.

    3. One night he came over and I had the blinds open and was wearing a baggy t-shirt with no bra, and basketball shorts. Super sexy, right? “You shouldn’t leave the blinds open with your boobs hanging out. Anyone could see you!” Women have breasts and it’s not like my boobs were “hanging out”. Also being a peeping Tom is illegal. I have the right to be comfortable in my own home.

    4. “I wish you wouldn’t go out with your friends. They drink so much and then I’ll have to stay up worrying!” Again. I’m a competent adult. I know my limits and what to do if I’m too impaired to drive. Again. I was not responsible for his sleep. What my healthy partner says now “I know you know your limits. But please call me if you need a ride and text me when you get back.” My ex didn’t offer to help if I accidentally overdrank or I felt unsafe. Because he didn’t care about that. He just wanted to control.

    5. “Don’t drink all that caffeine. It will make your period cramps worse. And you eat too much salt.” Don’t fucking tell me what to eat. Real concern would be “Hey, I read caffeine can make cramps worse” and just leave it there. Let ME decide if that’s something I want to try. I mean, I know my body and maybe I already HAVE tried eliminating caffeine and it didn’t help???

    Your BF is exhibiting Toxic Concern. If he trusts YOU it shouldn’t matter WHAT boy looks at you. Because you’re trustworthy. You can exist in public. You aren’t responsible for other people’s actions or eyes. He didn’t offer any help. If he really cared he would say “Have fun and you know if something happens and you feel uncomfortable you can call me, right?”

    Sorry to say but a lot of Muslim men feel that women need to be “protected”, should always defer to men because men “know best” and don’t have agency of their own.

  10. I would straight out ask him if this is something that is a problem for him and if is going to be an ongoing problem. If you’re headed there, ask him if it’s a sentence he would finish if you two were to get married.

    Maybe try reassuring him that you know not to leave your drink unattended and you will be careful and leave if you don’t feel safe.

    I had a bf that slowly started controlling me by testing how far he could push me. Just keep this in mind if he does anything weird if you decide to go.

  11. I’m actually going to say it’s a mix of both. His behavior is controlling, yes, but you have to evaluate where that controlling behavior is coming from, why it’s happening, and what it’s affecting.

    If he doesn’t like you partying now, he probably will never approve- so it won’t just be this birthday. There seems to be a serious conflict of fundamental values here and I suggest you guys really talk it out to see if such conflicts will work between you long-term.

  12. He sounds controlling. Read the other comments. I am worried about kids you may have if you marry this man. He is Muslim, you are Christian. He will say no to you raising them Christian. You will feel so trapped! Take heed! Read the many comments warning you! Please think!

  13. Just go celebrate your friends birthday. She’s been around much longer and you’re so young that even if you end up breaking up you’ve got PLENTY of time to find another nice young man. Take it from me. Don’t waste your years.

  14. He’s being legitimate with concerns. At first I thought with the religious mention, it was going south. He loves you and is concerned. He didn’t demand but said how he feels. He has valid points and I personally, but would listen and not go. I am the first one to go off if being controlled. I don’t get that vibe here. ❤️

    As far as him not going, he’s practicing his religion by choosing not to go to something he’s not comfortable with. Not everything is controlling. I could be wrong but by how it’s stated, I don’t get control here.

  15. “im honestly stuck on what to do and how i can make both people happy here. i love him and i also love my bestfriend”

    What about you? You’re saying you want to make both people happy, but this is about your happiness too. He sounds controlling.

  16. If you have to ask, you probably already know what’s up. And just a bit of advice, just because you love someone you shouldn’t feel like you need to worry about pleasing them in everything you do. Give yourself grace and don’t worry about it so much. If you want to go to the party, then go. It’s your decision and he shouldn’t hold that against you.

  17. 39(f) here in my experience this controlling only gets worse with time. Unfortunately your different upbringing may cause these types of disagreements to pop up all the time. Voice your concerns with him and gauge his response. His reaction will give you your answer. I’d be taking a really good look at whether this is the right person for you. Sorry.

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