I’m beginning to notice that whenever I hear anyone talk about anything sexual I’m intrusively reminded of my ex wife cheating on me and I feel disgusted/angry. I know it’s not true, but my mind is beginning to see sex as this gross, animal thing that corrupts you and turns you into a monster. I think it’s the only way I can cope with it because my ex was my best friend for years and then just impulsively cheated on me. I can’t understand how that’s possible, it almost seems like being possessed by a demon. I don’t understand lust like that and it’s making me hate romance and sex and anything related to it.
How do I stop this before it spirals into some kind of dysfunction?
OP, you’ve made the first step by recognizing that it isn’t a rational thought. There are plenty of people that are into sex but are also loyal and committed, and would never somehow have this uncontrollable urge (spoiler alert, it actually is controllable. Your ex absolutely CAN control their actions.) to fuck someone else that they aren’t in a relationship with
I genuinely think you REALLY REALLY need to seek therapy. I think that that would help you a ton
Therapy. Your mind is pushing a tacitly illogical thought, and I think it’s because it’s hard to accept that a person you loved and knew for years had that darkness in them. To you, it had to be an outside force acting on them, not something that that person was always capable of.
If somebody cheats on a whim, they were always able to. It wasn’t the sex that made them do it, it was a stark lack of control, forethought, or respect for you. Maybe a combination.
But you recognize the error. That is fantastic! A professional cam help you work through the issue healthily.
my best advice is to get therapy, this seems like a problem you cant solve by yourself
I was cheated on at a pretty ridiculous scale 7 years ago and haven’t been able to view sex or relationships as anything but horrifying since. I’m currently in and have been in extensive therapy of all types including EMDR.
I don’t believe that everyone’s a cheater but I get heavily triggered by the thought of romance to the point of getting physically sick.
Hope it gets better for you – hoping it will for us someday.
I went through this, it took years to get over. Not to the extent you’re going through it, but maybe romantic shit.
Sounds like the plot to Othello.
You need to speak to a therapist. Otherwise you’re going to be very lonely.
It might just take time. It really hurts right now and eith more time, it’ll be more of a distant thing. Kind of like grief…. it really hurts and hurts ALL the time ij the beginning…. but with time it hurts less and more infrequently.
Therapy and staying away from dating for a bit. Don’t try to force yourself to get over it that way. Work through your problems with a professional, and then one day you’ll probably be ready to take that step. Or even if you decide you not longer want those things in your life (some people do), at least not having a hatred toward the idea. Make it be a decision that makes you happier, not avoiding it out of anger or disgust.
I can relate to this feeling. I think it shines light on how delicate and sacred loyalty is when you’re in love. To be betrayed that way is gut wrenching. Anxiety induced by such a painful memory can cause nausea and other stomach issues so it makes sense that you would associate sex with feelings of disgust right now. It’s important to acknowledge that there’s is still good in the world so you don’t become jaded forever. You have a lot to heal from and when you meet someone who truly to touches your soul, hopefully you’ll be able to view love and sex with a new set of eyes
Well, it’s clear that you’re stuck in a dynamic that you cannot resolve without help. And when I say help, I mean the assistance of a behavioral psychologist, and one with a Ph.D. or Psy.D., and a track record in therapy.
Your bitterness over your wife’s infidelity has done serious damage to your mental construct of the centrality of sexuality as a component of human interaction to the point that you regard it negatively, and because you yourself have this component in your makeup, you now feel negatively about yourself.
I get that you viewed your wife’s indiscretion as something “so unlike her” that you can only understand her action as demon possession, but I think you misunderstand what demon possession entails, as it rarely presents with a singular aberration of expected behavior.
I realize you’re still hurting, but you will only find relief when you seek out the proper help for your situation.
I wish you well.
You need to seek counseling. I am sorry you had to endure the cheating and break up. Some of us stay and try to work it out. We struggle, even when it is worked out to ever get to be close to how we was before. And somethings never will. But counseling will help you deal with the load you are carrying from the pain and betrayal.
No rational explanation for an irrational thought. So over said but this will probably take a professional to help guide you through the storm. Hang in there sorry this happened to you
I had the same reaction when I learned I was cheated on. I think I’m still struggling with it, but times has made things a little better. It must be PTSD or something very similar. I get triggered less than when it was fresh, but I still do get sick when it pops into my head. Hopefully you are about to get through things
In. this. hell. right. now. Feeling for you on a deep level. Knowing your partner couldn’t just respect you and be truthful.. the hiding, the sneaking. It leaves you feeling confused and paralyzed at times. The things you loved, enjoyed? You start to look at it all with a different pair of eyes. Sucks. Their behavior and actions and reasoning is disgusting, dangerous, and selfish. Honesty is best. There’s understanding in the truth. And it looks like you’ve got that for you. Keep being honest with yourself. The freedom from what has been done to you, will come. There’s is a light at the end of this dark tunnel.. for us all who have experienced and suffer from this betrayal.
What you’re going through is probably not directly at sex itself. It is the emotions that stems from the betrayal through sexual acts. Just a like any relationships that fell apart, what you need is time to process, understand, and accept. It won’t happen right away since you got betrayed twice, by your lover and your best friend. Take the time, you can’t really force your emotion.
I’ve been through this also. You need to allow yourself time to heal and your attitudes will change after. It took me years to get to a healthy place. That’s not to say it will for you; everyone is different. I suggest therapy or talking to a trusted person who is as impartial as possible. I also suggest self care.
Short of a psychiatric condition, simple hunger for Sexual Congress is commonly NOT what motivates such behavior. I understand the OP’s position and it is both the easier and more popularly accepted explanation. Experience has revealed that a very different thing is going on.
Human beings are hungry to be regarded, affirmed and validated for getting …..at least…..the same recognition we would give any object in our path. Nobody wants to be “invisible” to the World and Society, either Physically, Emotionally, Intellectually or Spiritually.
Sexuality is ONE way…..a powerful way….to get this regard and that can be accomplished on….but usually limited to…..the Physical Plane where it is sufficient in the short term.
Yes…. a case can be made for impulsive behavior…..but I would Guarentee that the MOTIVE for the behavior had been a Long time in the building.
It is instructive to note that the OP, himself, reports the effect on his own Intellect and Emotions without having any insight into the connection and causality. Ignorance and Defense this deep will require professional assistance to remedy….that and considerable time. If its of ANY consolation, one need only reflect on this venue alone to witness how many other folks share his condition. FWIW.
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