Saturday, April 1, 2023
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Do you let your partner look at your phone? Why or why not?

Curious to see what others opinions are on letting your S.O. look through your phone? I’ve been cheated on many times so, personally, I don’t care if my bf goes through my phone. If it makes him feel more comfortable, I’m cool with it as long as it doesn’t extend to like checking it every day. Once every few months or so, sure. My partner’s need to look at my phone occasionally to feel safe trumps my need of phone privacy. I guess partly because I don’t have much on my phone anyway so privacy isn’t a huge deal to me. In my experience, letting a partner look at your phone can also strengthen trust especially if they have trauma. Looking at the phone happens less and less because your partner learns there’s nothing to fear. I guess I don’t believe in “ignorance is bliss”.

I guess maybe I would be uncomfortable with it if we weren’t together very long. But in general, I don’t have any shady messages or anything to hide and feel totally fine letting him go through it if he wants to. Was thinking about this today and noticed a lot of people are totally not okay with it. I guess maybe because others use their phone as more of a digital diary so it’s way more personal? I don’t use it all that much only to talk to close friends and family so I don’t care if my partner sees it. Curious what others feel on this subject and why.

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  1. Married 29 years. He could if he wanted to, but he’s never wanted or needed to.

    We know each other’s passwords for everything and use each other’s devices randomly. Whichever phone is close routinely gets grabbed by either one of us, but neither of us just go exploring through the other one’s phone.

    Neither of us would care, but neither of us would. Out of respect, I tell him I’m grabbing his or he tells me he’s using mine in case it’s not convenient.

  2. My girlfriend CAN look through my phone. I leave it on unattended sometimes, give it to her frequently if we’re doing stuff together etc etc. I got nothing to hide. But if I catch them looking at it behind my back, I’m a little :/

    I prefer my partner just ask me and I’ll show what they want to see in front of them

  3. I borrow my husband’s phone a fair amount to take photos as my camera is terrible. But I don’t go through it. He’s borrowed mine when he has low battery, but I hope hasn’t been reading my messages.

    I don’t think it’s healthy to snoop. But I also have nothing to hide and no fear my spouse is searching my phone.

  4. Privacy is a normal and healthy part of relationships. If you don’t trust your partner enough to afford them reasonable privacy, the battle is already lost.

    I have nothing at all to hide from my wife, but I’d def think it was weird if she requested to go through my phone.

  5. He uses mine and I use his.

    If I’ve left my phone upstairs or in the other room I’ll just pick up his phone and use it. As he does with mine. He uses my phone for apple music in the car sometimes too.

    I have nothing to hide nor does he. I’ve never actively gone through his messages or socials because I trust him. I don’t think he ever has gone through mine although I don’t know if he has.

    We watch porn together or sometimes I pick porn for him so I don’t care if I find that on his phone.

  6. Its a no for me. Theres tons of private communication on there. The other side should be sure its not read by other people, including my partner. Sure i should trust my partner to not read it, by why not just make sure noone cant.

  7. My husband and I regularly use each others’ phones for things and don’t worry about it since we don’t have anything to hide but we don’t “go through” each others’ phones, either.

    My husband was cheated on by his first wife and still has never gone through my phone or asked about it at all…that’s a pretty serious sign of either insecurity or lack of trust in one’s partner.

  8. Me personally no never and absolutely not ever. Doing this literally always destroys every relationship.

    If they feel the need to do that then it is them that has a problem not me, giving them access will only make their problem and issues worse and then it doesn’t stop: I would and will always support and help a partner unconditionally if they had this type of problem but giving them access to my phone if they asked will never fix their problem and it will only make the problem worse

    As for what you said OP u/waffleturtlez when saying “in your experience letting a partner look at your phone can also strengthen trust especially if they have trauma “

    I have to very very strongly disagree with you here although I am not calling into question your experience as this is where you came to this conclusion, In my considerable experience the majority of the time the actual opposite happens because when a person finds nothing at all on the phone again and again and again most people then become more paranoid and suspicious because they assume that this means they are either sanitising their phone on very very regularly occasions deleting content to make sure nothing incriminating is ever the phone or they think their partner has a new and different mobile phone device hidden somewhere or they think that your just not using your mobile phone for doing anything like that and that you are probably communicating via a different way

  9. Absolutely not.

    Everyone is entitled to personal privacy even when they’re in a relationship. I have confidential work information, financial information, and private conversations with other people that have not consented to their *personal conversations* being shared with someone else.

    If my partner doesn’t feel safe or trust me without being able to go through my phone, that’s an insecurity that they need to work through themselves.

  10. I get uncomfortable when anyone – friend, family, boyfriend, whatever – uses my phone or looks at it while I’m using it. It’s very private and personal, especially the weird, embarrassing things I Google. My phone is like an extension of my brain.

    It caused issues in my last relationship, but my ex was abusive so it’s hard to tell which one of us was being too extreme about it.

    I’ve never cheated and never will so I don’t worry about someone finding anything like that. It’s more the notes app and Chrome that I wouldn’t want them digging through.

  11. Wow, I’m really surprised so many people let their partners look at their phones. I’m glad that was never a thing in my last relationship. I had to leave due to emotional abuse and feeling unsafe. My messages were full of conversations with friends about the things that had happened. Those conversations helped me to see that I had to leave.

    I would never let any future partner have access to my phone in case I needed to talk privately about things like that.

    Also, I think most people wouldn’t be comfortable with anyone else reading their diary, so why should a partner get to read your personal notes and messages?

    It seems very controlling to want access to someone’s phone. I’d see it as a red flag.

  12. I would not, at least not without supervision. My wife did look through my computer one time without my permission, and it took me a long while to trust her around it again, since she read messages that were not meant for her, in a private group of my friends. There was nothing bad in there, but they hadn’t consented to having their messages read, and I had previously offered to share my own messages from the chat with her.

    Nowadays, she has access to my phone and computer, and I have access to hers, but we know not to go into each other’s messages. So to answer the question in the title, yes, she can look at my phone. Then to answer the question in the post itself, no, she cannot look *through* my phone.

  13. If someone needs to look at another person’s phone to “feel safe” then there are deeper issues that are best addressed by a mental health professional. This is not healthy behavior.

    If you are repeatedly finding men who cheat you need to take a look at the kind of man you are choosing. A therapist can help you with this.

    If a man asked me to look at my phone I’d break up with him. This is deeply insecure, manipulative and controlling behavior. It’s a massive invasion of privacy. It’s just not going to happen.

  14. My partner and I have access to each others’ phones if we need them. But we don’t look through each others’ phones. We both have work stuff on our phones that is none of the others’ business, plus conversations with friends and family members that are none of the others’ business. If I were your friend or family member, I’d be way chafed that your p artner was seeing my comms with you without my consent. If I’m texting with my daughter a heart-to-heart about relationship issues she’s having, there is no way that it’s cool for my partner to think he could read that.

  15. My husband knows my passcode, I know his as well. It happens when you are married for 12 years. We never discussed it explicitly. He uses my phone often to look for something, as do I. But I have told him that I am not comfortable him reading my dms. It’s not about my privacy but privacy of the person at the other end. Say my friend shared something personal about her with me in WhatsApp. I find it disrespectful for someone else to read it. She shared it with me, not my significant other. I don’t read his texts with his friends either.

  16. My fiancé knows my passcode as I know his in case one of us is busy and need to get into the others phone, this mostly happens when driving. I’m a little more protective of my phone right now because I recently went wedding dress shopping and have all the photos on my phone, he is fully aware of this so he knows I’m extra cautious when showing him any photos so he doesn’t accidentally see the wedding dresses.

  17. Been 13 years and this never came up. I don’t even know his passcode and neither does he know mine. We have used each other phones but never thought to really snoop though.

  18. My partner and I have been dating for two years and I have no idea what his phone password is and he doesn’t know mine.

    If he wanted it, sure. I’d give it to him.

    But we have a foundation of trust and our past baggage didn’t join us in the relationship. YMMV.

  19. I never would look at a partner’s phone and would never let them dig through mine. It’s just ridiculous. If I’m trying to hide something you’re not going to find it anyway. It’s not like going through it can bring you real assurance of anything anyway.

  20. I’ve been with my partner for 9 years and we are pretty transparent with passwords/passcodes. But there’s never really been a talk or setting a boundary that we can’t go through each others phones. We just respect each others privacy and it feels weird to overstep that. He may be in a relationship with me, but he has every right to his own space even if he allows me in it

  21. He knows my password. He’s never asked nor wanted to know what’s on my phone. I’m the same way. If trust is so fragile that we’re digging through phones, digging through phones is not the issue we need to be focusing on.

  22. My boyfriend and i have each others passwords but more for times when it’s easier to use the others phone if it’s closer or things like that. Neither of us have needed to actually go through the others phone but we’re open about it, we do both ask first before grabbing the others phone, however. I can ask to use his phone for something and vice versa and it’s not big deal!

  23. My husband and I have each other’a passwords to each other’s phones. It’s easier to grab his phone sometime to send a text or turn on music or something if mine is across the room or charging. I’ve never like gone through his phone, and he’s never gone through mine but if he wanted to he totally could. I don’t have a problem with it but then again we’ve been together for 13 years so I don’t have many secrets from him lol

  24. My wife and I both leave our phones unattended at all times. But we have a rule kind of if we want to look through the others phone we ask first. Sneaking around behind each others backsto look through the phone can often cause more problems. If their is a questionable message often times it’s much easier if your spouse is their to explain it immediately before you can overthink the situation.

  25. My husband and I have the same password on our phones. I hand him my phone all the time to read funny stuff or respond to messages when I can’t. I do the same with his phone. We are both mature and have good self esteem so we never worry about that nonsense.

  26. If you need something from my phone or just want to use it for whatever reason I’m okay with that.

    Actually going through my phone with the specific purpose of examining my texts, email, socials. Etc is a solid no. Other people have placed their trust in me to keep our conversations private. On the same note, I wouldnt feel right going through another persons phone with or without permission. If I don’t trust you then we shouldn’t be together.

  27. my partner has my phone password and can go on it whenever he wants. he doesn’t go through it. i guess he could if he wanted to but i would probably be annoyed, unless there was some giant misunderstanding and he genuinely thought i was cheating. i don’t go through his phone but i also have the password to it and can use it if i need to. my bf trusts me and doesn’t feel the need to go through my phone and honestly, i don’t think i could be with someone who doesn’t trust me, especially since i’ve never been unfaithful.

  28. I can use my boyfriend’s phone and he can use mine, we have each other’s passcodes. But if he just randomly went through all my messages and DMs without asking me I would not like that. Same goes for me, I would not read his messages without his permission.

  29. I don’t have anything to hide from my boyfriend, but I do have personal conversations with my family members and friends that he has no business going through. Just as I have no business going through his. If we ever got to the point where one of us wanted to go through the other one’s phone, I’d feel like something was broken.

    I’ll hand him my phone and say “hey, look up such and such” and he has done the same.

  30. I could care less if my partner goes through my phone. He could read every message ever sent to anyone I’ve ever contacted, any “note” I’ve ever written, my Google history, etc.

    I use to say the door swung both ways, but we are currently going through a rough patch and now I don’t touch his phone, even when he asks me to plug it in I refuse. In my opinion phone privacy is super overrated. If we are sleeping together but I can’t touch your phone because it’s too person/private there is a problem.

  31. I have no issues with a partner having access to my phone. I would have an issue if I were with someone who felt the need to check through my phone, looking for something suspicious. It’s one thing to know my passcode, use my phone, leave it unattended. It’s another to go on a mission to find something because he doesn’t trust me.

  32. I would never look at my partners phone and he would never look at mine. If he needed to use my phone because it was dead l would give him my password and vice versa but if one of us felt the need to go through the other’s phone our relationship would be super unhealthy and toxic and we may as well end things.

    The kind of partner who what’s to go through my phone or test my loyalty isn’t the type of partner I want, or want tor be.

    Saying my partner’s comfort trumps my privacy is IMO fucked up. I was in an abusive relationship where my ex thought all my friends were against my relationship or wanted to sleep with me or parties too much and by then end of it I sacrificed my happiness for their comfort and had 0 friends. Putting someone’s comfort ahead of your privacy or happiness is not something I am willing to do.

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