my bf (22M) and myself (25F) went out with my friends last night, it was my birthday and we decided we would bar hop. The bars were great, the vibes were amazing. Watching my friends hang out and being with my boyfriend was so exciting. It was my first time going, and I really liked it. My boyfriend drank a few drinks, and was drunk. He was being really touchy, and a little aggressive with me.
He knows I don’t feel comfortable with PDA, it’s something we established early in our relationship. I had asked him to stop because he was leaning on my shoulders and resting his chin on my head, his weight on me was making it hard to stand properly. Whenever I told him to stop, he said no i won’t, and then continued.
I was hoping for him to take my body language more serious then my words, so I started with gently pulling away and putting distance between me and him, but he was just closing the distance while hugging me very tightly and pressing against my back.
I was starting to get irritated, because he had also messed up my hair by pushing my bangs back and tilting my head with the force of his hand. I really didn’t want to cause a scene Infront of my friends who were having an amazing time, it made me sad that I wasn’t feeling the same way.
He would also start to pull my head to lay on his chest, by grabbing the back of my neck, and stop me from moving away by forcing me to stay in place and he was squeezing me hard.
I really didn’t want to focus on it too much, so I had joined my friends in conversation and just generally putting my focus away from him. However when I did this, he started nudging at me and interrupting me, and demanded my attention so aggressively my friends ended up giving us space. He then started texting me, and only focusing on his phone and not being entirely present. He was messaging me things asking why I am being this way, so I explained to him he was being too rough and that I didn’t want to be touched for a while. I really just wanted to focus on my friends and have a good time.
We ended up walking down town and heading to a park, he wanted me to stand in certain places and would snap his finger and point at where he wanted me to go. I don’t know, I can’t explain how much this entire situation changed things for me. We stayed the night with my friend at their house since nobody could be a DD, but I was relieved because he made me scared to be alone with him.
He’s sober now, and respecting the space I need however whenever he has went into hold my hand, or hug or kiss me all I can do is pull away and it makes him feel bad.
We just spoke about everything as in depth as we could, he understands why I feel this way and I don’t really know.. what to do? Or how I should think, a perspective I can adopt to make the tension go away. I mostly feel like we aren’t compatible, and I’m considering asking him to be just friends. But i don’t know if I will feel this way forever. We’ve been together for a year and it feels as if one experience has made things clear to me.
you’ve been dating for a year, is this the first time he’s violated your bodily autonomy? have there been things *like* this but not to the same degree?
If you cant get past this one instance then end the relationship but dont expect to remain friends, that very rarely happens and it rarely works out well. If you and him cant communicate a way to get past this or figure out what was going on that night then the relationship is over, you already have some resentment towards him because of it, either talk it out or cut off the relationship and dont stay friends
Sometimes, our body gives us signals our brain isn’t ready for. The way your body felt when he was physically manipulating you and pushing you around is something you need to pay attention to. You know what you have to do. Do it.
Hi I have a husband who is quite a different person when drunk. I know lots of people say when you are drunk you are showing your true personality but honestly I’ve been dating/married to him for 10 years now so I’m pretty sure his sober personality (which is him the majority of the time) is also his real personality and he’s not just putting on an act lol.
My husband is considerate and sensitive when sober, very responsible and helpful. A hands on dad and husband who is sensitive to my moods. When he’s drunk however he turns into this loud obnoxious weirdo who is bouncing off the walls, it’s honestly quite embarrassing. He doesn’t disrespect me, but he is a lot more into PDA and touchy-feely, which also does make me uncomfortable coz I’m not into that. However he wouldn’t pin me in place or not allow me to go places. If anything, if I walk off he might forget I’m there and totally run off with his friends and continue being crazy. However we had one incident many years ago when I got angry at him for leaving me someplace and running off, and then when he realized I was angry he hugged me tightly and wouldn’t let me go until we “talked it out” which was impossible in that state. I remember struggling really hard to get free and after he was sober I told him that was not okay and he was profusely sorry and indeed it never happened again.
I’ve talked/argued to him about his behaviour countless times but honestly I haven’t been able to change him. In the end I’ve just accepted it. We all have flaws, I have some bad ones too he doesn’t complain about, and if his worst one is that he’s a crazy drunk then… I just limit the number of times I go out with him to get drunk. Now that we are older it doesn’t happen much anyway. I let him have his boys nights now and again, tell him to stay over at his mates, and just tell him to send mw a text to let me know he’s still alive which I will get inevitably at like 3am or something all lovey-dovey with heaps of mispellings.
I think the takeaway for me is that it’s ok if he’s a bit weird when he’s drunk but if he’s acting aggressive or disrespecting you – or forcing you to do something you’re not comfortable with – and it happens more than once or to the extent that you think it’s a part of his personality and likely to happen again – then it’s not okay.
I guess you are the one who knows him best and can judge who he truly is and if it’s someone worth being with despite his flaws. Reddit has a tendency of saying break up to everything but if he’s only done this once and you’ve been together over a year, perhaps it’s workable. But I would of course never recommend anyone to be with someone thats abusive towards them.
If you want to break up absolutely do that. It’s entirely fair. However if you want to give him a second chance since this is the first time he’s displayed this behavior, which is completely up to you! He needs to agree to a few things.
First is never do that again. If he ever does it again be clear that you’ll break up with him on the spot.
Secondly he needs to not drink again seeing as he apparently becomes a boundary ignoring dick when he does.
Third he needs to back off right now. No trying to hold your hand or cuddle until you say that you’re comfortable with him again.
If therapy is accessible I would also require that he see a therapist about that behavior.
If he won’t agree with those conditions I would break up with him now.
You’re obviously not compatible, you’re never gonna give him the love and affection he wants/deserves.
Just end the relationship
Did you tell him he was being an ass. Tell it to him like it is and don’t beat around the bush.
If you don’t feel safe around him anymore then you can’t really have a healthy relationship with him at this point. Being friends will not automatically make him feel safer for you to be around.
He may understand that his behavior was completely inappropriate and feel remorseful but sometimes some violations and the damage they cause are irreversible and terminal.
If SA isn’t a habit for him then he needs to re-evaluate his relationship with alcohol; and I think it is best to move on to a relationship where you can feel safe, secure, and respected.
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