Im in my first trimester with my 2nd baby. It will be our 4th together. I work from home full time and I’ve been hot with severe pregnancy fatigue. If I could I would legitimately sleep all day. I’ve been laying down more and I’ve unexpectedly had the last 2 days off of work. We still had birthday decorations up from the party we threw for our daughters birthday a few days ago.
Finally today he said I was being lazy for not putting away the laundry or taking the decorations down. I know I should do more and be able to take constructive criticism but being called lazy is really triggering for me because im an extreme people pleaser. I should add he legitimately does zero house work because that’s how we originally wanted it. I work full time from home and he works full time managing a restaurant.
How do I talk to him about this? I know he thinks im too sensitive and I got defensive when he started telling me about not doing housework. I’ve been keeping the house clean, making dinner every night, dishes are done, grocery are purchased. I just got behind on laundry. It’s not even like we’re out of clean clothes.
Tell him if he wants you to be a perfect housewife then he should be a perfect husband, so why do you have to earn income? He should provide more than enough, perhaps even for a part time cleaner?
Since this is your 4th baby together it’s obviously not your first rodeo. He should have some understanding of how exhausting growing a human is. At this point I’d be asking him if his arms are broken.
How the hell are you supposed to keep the house clean? Working from home doesn’t mean you can do all of that. You’re going to end up burned out.
Your husband has a slave, not a partner, and now he’s showing you that that’s how he feels about what you do.
If your division of responsibilities works for you, that’s fine, but he doesn’t get to manage you or give performance feedback. Pregnancy and having a young baby are always extenuating circumstances and he should be picking up more at home while you’re so tired.
You have a medical reason for not being able to do too much work (pregnancy, pregnancy fatigue). He’s an asshole.
And honestly wtf? He does zero housework because you work from home? What kind of excuse is that? Working from home does not equal cleaning time. Does he work significantly more hours? Even then zero seems like a hard sell.
“Motherfucker your hands work just fine. You want things picked up? Have at it.”
Why are you working? If he wants joint ‘provider’ roles, he needs to accept the joint ‘housekeeper’ roles.
You work full time and have 3 kids. And do all the housework. He works full time and what else? Even if you weren’t pregnant, and suffering severe fatigue, he should be doing more.
You should sit him down for The Talk. During The Talk, you should state that in your normal life, you would have kept up with all the household chores, but the present was in no way a normal life, as you were pregnant, and at least 35% of the energy that you’d normally devote to chores was now being absorbed by the growing fetus in your womb, and as time progressed, a greater percentage of your energy would be diverted in like manner. And, given these facts, it would be unwise to verbalize such sentiments as your being lazy going forward, but would be wiser to simply assist with some chores until the fetus becomes an infant. And, if he isn’t willing to do that, then he should simply keep his mouth firmly shut. ‘Nuff said.
I wish you and the infant well.
. I should add he legitimately does zero house work because that’s how we originally wanted it. I work full time from home
Really? You really wanted to work and do ALL the housework? And birth and raise all the kids? Are you sure this is what you both wanted or is it what he wanted and you went along with it?
Does he think he’s being active by not doing any of the housework? Is he like… also growing a human inside of him?
Snap out of the people pleasing long enough to check the logic at least. That way you know that “lazy” shouldn’t trigger you just because it’s incorrect and hypocritical, but also because its ungrateful and cruel to say to a burnt-out working-from-home mom, homemaker, and pregnant wife. He’s being a bad partner, father, and huamn being. Fuck the laundry. Take the whole 9 months off work.
Watch her stuff it might help you find the language to tell your fiancé what is going on and what needs to change
https://www.tiktok.com/t/ZTR9FKdee/
https://www.tiktok.com/@thatdarnchat?_t=8WpxeEI1Pzi&_r=1
You need to change how housework is distributed. He needs to help. You have a baby coming and working full time. He has to help.
Also, if he still expects you to do all the housework, then he can provide for all the bills and groceries AND LUXURIES for you, while your own money is yours to keep for yourself.
I feel like when you say “this what we both wanted” that it’s actually what he wanted and he talked you into it. Now you’re experiencing pregnancy plus burn out and you realize this doesn’t work. The problem is it works great for him, but not so much for you. There is no easy fix here. You’re going to have to talk to him and make amendments (at least) to your original agreement. I’m sure it sounded lovely and ideal to you when you agreed, but the reality is like getting a cold glass of water thrown in your face.
You’re pregnant with a second child but have four together?????? Huh?
Why did you pop out children for this man?
He doesn’t even do basic chores?
What, you also handle all the children too?
He’s not going to marry you If you already got all those children together…….
Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu
Mine tried saying that too, but I was the only one with a steady job at the time . Looking back, I realize a lot of his crap was from being an alcoholic.
Sometimes the 1st trimester is so ridiculously exhausting. Far more so than 2 and 3. Tell him to piss off and get over himself. I remember that inability to do a fricking thing. Just sleep. I actually lost my job over it. I couldn’t get out of bed. Half way through trimester 2 perked up and was fine. Didn’t get exhausted again till after I had the baby and then was unable to sleep lol
Ugh I’m not sure what to say to such a jerkface, but I sympathize. I’m in my first trimester, this is my first pregnancy and WOW I was not prepared for the extreme exhaustion. I legit can’t fight it. I take naps at work. I go to bed at like 7 or 8pm. It’s not laziness, it’s building a human!
Stop popping out kids all ready
Sounds like he needs to be EX-Fiance!!! One of those a-hole types that thinks women are the only ones responsible for housework. I am an Alpha Male. I am a powerlifter and BBJ black belt and I still wash dishes, clothes and any other housework that needs to be done, including cooking. My wife does the same, except for cooking she has a hard time boiling water, lol. It is a partnership, just like marriage. One is not subservient to the other no matter what toxic asshats on YouTube say.
Surely he occasionally gets behind with his work too. Maybe he could consider how he would feel if you showed up to his restaurant and complained about the things he didn’t get to that he was planning on doing that day.
What this really comes down to though is how he expressed his disappointment. Just ask him to say more I statements. Instead of focusing on you he can convey the information in a way that doesn’t hurt you. Instead of
A) “wow YOU haven’t done that load of laundy or taken those decorations down? What have YOU been doing all day? YOU are lazy.”
He can say
B) “honey, when I get home from a long day of work seeing these decorations still out overwhelms ME and stresses ME out because I just want to relax and not think about work that needs to be done after a long day.
Just call someone to clean the house. A couple hours works for like what 50 bucks?
You work and he does too…He should NOT expect a damn housewife!
He’s just nipping it in the bud. This is probably the least of your problems. Give him grief back and let it go.