I (25F) am marrying my fiancé (29M) in December. One issue has recently arisen and I’m not sure how to handle it.
My dad was diagnosed with Parkinson’s a couple years ago. It’s been rough for our entire family but he’s doing well considering, but his shakes have gotten considerably worse over the years. He can still walk but usually only assisted. We’ve practiced and he’ll be able to walk me down the aisle. He’s determined to do this for me.
For context, my fiancés family are descendants from some famous British lord or duke, im not sure on the details. But basically it just means that his family are your very typical upper class, aristocratic, conservatives, especially his grandmother. (My fiancé is not like this at all).
While we wanted a small destination wedding, his grandmother (the family matriarch) wanted so much that we have a traditional Anglican wedding in England she offered to pay for the whole thing. We agreed because my fiancé loves his grandmother and a free wedding helps our financial situation tremendously.
The issue: his grandmother recently saw a video of the actor Michael J Fox, who also has Parkinson’s, and called me in a fury. She asked if my dad had the same condition and I said yes. She immediately said he could not walk me down the aisle because that amount of shaking is unsightly and would ruin the wedding because everyone would be uncomfortable. She said sick people should not be out on display and she doesn’t want to embarrass the family. Needless to say I said some not nice things in response, said I wouldn’t be getting married if my dad doesn’t walk me and hung up.
I told my fiancé and while he agrees what she said was horrible but that it’s not worth canceling the wedding over and pissing off his grandmother (who controls the family money). I cannot believe his reaction. I’m at such a loss right now. My dad and fiancé have a great relationship so this is surprising. Is this a valid reason to reconsider my relationship?
If your fiance is ok with shuffling off his FIL because his disease is unsightly in the name of Lady Grandma Moneybag’s wealth, he doesn’t deserve a FIL.
Stand your ground. NTA.
Please tell me you aren’t considering breaking your Dads heart like that for some grumpy old bitch just because of money.
Hell I’d agree with her and when it comes time, have Dad do it anyway and let her make a big deal of it at the church. Her snobby ass wouldn’t dare make a scene. And if she did everyone would be pissed at her.
As someone who’s dad also has Parkinson’s I would make this my hill to die on. There is not a chance he wouldn’t be walking me down the isle because some old bitch doesn’t like to reminded of her own mortality. If your fiancé really values granny’s money over basic decency then he’s shown you a seriously shitty side to him you may want to take note of before you legally tie yourself to him and his horrible family.
What your fiance is saying is that free money from the rich family members is more important than your feelings and your family. Do you really want to live your life that way? You say your fiance is not like everyone else, but this behaviour proves he’s exactly like the rest of his family.
> Is this a valid reason to reconsider my relationship?
I would.
You’ll be trained monkeys, doing tricks whenever she mentions money.
Yeah, I would absolutely reconsider the marriage if his excuse is always going to be “she controls the family money” when she oversteps boundaries. I hate having things held over my head like that, especially money.
The grandmother is taking advantage of her wants just because she’s paying would she have felt the same way if you and your fiancé paid the whole wedding yourselves? I wouldn’t let anyone treat my family as lower class based on their health status. I would stick by their side no matter what, this is the only chance your father will have to walk you down the isle, don’t make a decision that you’ll regret
“If my father can’t walk me down the aisle, it isn’t a wedding, and I won’t be attending.”
Set a boundary.
Your daddy walks you down that aisle or you don’t have a wedding it’s that simple do not bend on this issue this will be the hill you die on regardless of what his grandmother thinks
You have a lot of self work to do if you stay with someone that told you your father couldn’t walk you down the aisle because he has Parkinson’s. Stop blaming the grandma, your fiancé is trash and not worth spending your life with. He values money more than love. That’s not marriage material.
Yeah, that would be a massive red flag for me. What horrible people, wanting to deny you and your dad that moment because of optics?? A paid for wedding is worth breaking your dad’s heart for in his eyes? Sounds like he’s not fallen as far from the tree as you thought…
> Is this a valid reason to reconsider my relationship?
Yes. Please do reconsider marrying into this family.
Your fiancé has met your father and had seen his condition up close. But instead of his grandmother asking him, she calls you and goes off on one? This seems really weird.
What is your fiancé’s solution to this? To do what she says and have someone else escort you? That’s very unkind. Also it does not bode well for the future if he has a view that sickness should be hidden.
I have seen family dynamics where there is an elder matriarch or patriarch ruling the family with money and personal power and it never ends well. Especially when they are obsessed with family status like this.
Where are your fiancé’s parents in all of this? Notably absent from proceedings by the sound of it.
Who is your fiancé marrying? You? Or his granny?
I suggest cancel the wedding right now so that you minimise the loss to vendors. Hand back the engagement ring and cancel the engagement.
Up to you whether to keep talking to your fiancé to see if you can go back to your original plan but that should be with the perspective that you both have pre marital counselling, and that he proposes again (not a flashy proposal BTW).
>I told my fiancé and while he agrees what she said was horrible but that it’s not worth canceling the wedding over and pissing off his grandmother (who controls the family money). I cannot believe his reaction.
Read what you’ve written. Your fiancé doesn’t want your dad to walk you down the aisle, either. He’d stand up to his grandmother if he was truly on board with this.
Sorry to tell you this, but as an English person, I don’t think the fact that they are descendants of aristocracy has anything to do with it, they’re just what we like to refer to as “cunts”. Also being “descended” from a lord is absolutely meaningless, if you don’t have the title then you’re a commoner like everyone else. If anyone in my country ever told me they were descended from a lord it would be incredibly underwhelming and quite embarrassing that they saw that as a brag. Culturally in the UK these people are absolute non-entities and clearly find that they can manipulate people who don’t understand our culture into thinking they have prominence and wealth. A lot of genuine inherited lords and ladies in this country are actually broke because the upkeep of the mammoth estates they inherit eats every finance they have. This family is a massive cringe. I would call off your wedding in the UK, and do it somewhere else if you still want too, there is nothing grosser than pseudo-snobs.
“He’s not like the rest of his family”
“He sided with his Grandma immediately”
Sure, lol.
Are u sure u wanna get married to this dude? And if he isnt like them AT ALL why tf doesnt he supporting u on this?
I’d be eloping with your dad as the only guest.
What’s the plan for future family get togethers? Is your dad going to excluded from every holiday because he “makes everyone uncomfortable”? How about uninvite everyone who has shown they don’t have a compassionate bone in their body.
“It seems that class and good manners aren’t inherited”
You can tell her that in my name
**INFO**- have you sent out invites yet?
If so, you have a lot more leverage. It would be highly embarrassing if you cancel the wedding.
If the grandmother wants a big fancy wedding, then good luck having one without the bride.
Your dad walks you down the aisle, or no wedding.
Make it clear to your fiancé that you would be happy to get married at the registry office with two witnesses. You don’t need a big wedding.
Take it from someone who has regrets about their wedding day…. Those are regrets that stick with you.
Wow what a heartless old witch.
Keep a spine OP. Its your wedding too, it should be under your control. What’s *embarrassing* for them is not embarrassing for YOU. If you like the idea of your dad walking you down the aisle, DO IT. I’d rather be broke and happy doing the minimum than someone paying to do my stuff their way.
The problem isn’t so much that the grandmother is trying to use money to control you, it’s that your partner is letting them.
I‘ve seen this so many times and the outcome is extremely predictable. You have two options going forward:
First, you can go along with your fiancé‘s weakmindedness and obey his shrew of a grandmother. This will surely crush your dad and that wound will always be there, that his daughter would rather have a fancy wedding for free than him walk her down the aisle. Your new grandmother will know that she has you two properly trained and obedient. Anytime she wants to control you, and she most definitely will, she can.
Second, you can tell your fiancé that you are not going to allow his grandmother to control you. If she pulls back the money then so be it, you two can make your own way in this world without her and her money.
If you take the second option, you need to present a united front and frankly your fiancé needs to take the lead in dealing with them, they are his family after all. If he does not agree to this, I would leave him, he will always be under their control.
You don’t just marry your fiance, you marry the whole family. Is that something you want to deal with for the rest of your life?
Well if you want an example from the British upper class, Princess Diana’s father walked her down the aisle even though he had been partially incapacitated by a stroke. They practiced and pulled it off. Throw that at your fiancee’s Grandmother.
Please make sure your dad walks you down the aisle. I lost my dad a few years ago and I’d kill for him to be able to walk me down the aisle.
Just tell your fiance he can choose. If your dad cannot walk you down the aisle you can’t get married. Eff them and their snobby stuck up attitudes. Stick up for yourself now or it will be harder and harder.
So your partner has shown you very clearly that your needs come second to his families wishes.
That his family are beholden to money and the person that holds the strings.
Is this what you chose for your life?
A partner should be the one person you can depend on to have your back. This isn’t what he is doing.
Yes very valid reason. You want your father there, they want him to not been seen, especially at the wedding.
Stick to your values, you said it won’t happen if your father doesn’t walk you up the isle. So you said no and if you believe in yourself and your boundaries then stick to it.
Anything less is betraying yourself and your father.
His family are tossers, maybe think about what you could be marrying into?
Not worth pissing the grandmother off?
He should be more concerned with offending your father. Where is his respect that he is expecting you to show?
Where is the basic humanity.
I come from money, and I walked away. Because I got tired of all the requirements you must do this must act this way you must be here. You must be there this person can’t be here. You can’t interact with that person. You can’t go here you can’t go there. If your fiancé is siding with his grandmother, this is just the beginning. He is choosing money over you without saying so. The upper class/the wealthy live by rules that the rest of us don’t really understand. People are to be seen and not heard. Children are to be seen, and not heard, the sticker to be seen, and not heard; and the disabled or to be seen and not heard. These are just some of the rules, I walked away more than 30 years ago and I have never looked back and never had any contact. Obviously you do what is right for you, but you will be living by their rules so that he can inherit the money when the time comes or by whom ever‘s rules come next when grandma dies and the next person controls the purse strings. Because that’s how big family money works.
You marry the whole family and if this is what they’re like I can imagine they would want to judge, hate and control every aspect of your life. It’ll be miserable.
Personally, I’d say: either my dad walks me down the isle or there will be no wedding at all.
Walking a daughter down the isle is a huge deal…would you really deprive your father of that?
So you are having a whole wedding you don’t want because it’s free and helps your financial situation? A small wedding wouldn’t have broken the bank. Even if this grandma is paying for it, you are making your family spend money on traveling and getting black tie clothes (which is very different from cocktail). On top of that, you want to break your dad heart?
Your fiancé only cares about money. He doesn’t care about you or your family. He is going to do whatever grandma wants until she drops dead just for money. And after grandma dies, then someone else is going to have that role so some other person is going to dictate your life (probably his parents or an uncle or aunt).
>My fiancé is not like this at all
He clearly is like that.