I’m still very rattled as this happened an hour ago, so I’ll try to make this as clear as possible. Lately my boyfriend has seemed a little distant and like we’re not on the same page (although I know relationships have their ebbs and flows, my intuition has been telling me something feels different than that).
For a little more context, my boyfriend started working at a car shop about a year ago. Almost as soon as he started working there, his boss (33F) who was (at the time, together with her husband) would invite my boyfriend and a couple other of their co-workers over to play cards and have drinks and he would invite me to tag along. Over the course of the past year I could tell she was obviously attracted to my boyfriend, but I know he’s attractive so I didn’t think much of it especially as she was married.
Recently, she separated from her husband and we haven’t been invited over for card night for a couple months as home life isn’t so great for her (to my delight as my social battery is quite low), and as mentioned before, my boyfriend has been a little distant and I seem to be the only one initiating sex lately (which isn’t normal). My suspicions got the best of me and when I crawled into bed after he went to sleep, and I couldn’t help but want to check his phone, so I did. I unlocked his phone and opened his snapchat to see an unread message from wouldn’t you know, his boss. My heart dropped and I opened it to read a message from a few hours ago saying “wish I could show you off 😘” and him saying “hope you have a good night 😘” (she was attending a wedding which he mentioned when talking about his day at work).
After reading those 2 message after the slight suspisions I had, I went off and woke him up to which he pryed his phone from my hands and went to the bathroom (so he could delete any other evidence I assume), so I just started packing my things up. He then acted like it was no big deal, gaslit me about the fact that she likely “accidentally messaged him a kissy face” as well as him in response??? (super believable to both accidentally recieve and send flirtatious messages, wHoOps). He then went and had a shower and left me in the room crying for 20 minutes until I went in there and asked what the fuck made him think it was a good time to shower (to which I was made to feel crazy for). After his shower he just stuck to the fact that nothing has happened between them, those were allegedly accidental flirtacious messages from each side, and that he didn’t wanna talk about it because he felt sick and tired. Now he’s fast asleep next to me and I’m wondering where the hell I went wrong.
My world has been flipped upside down. I think I needed to vent mainly, and maybe feel a shred of reassurance that I’m not crazy. I’m still in shock. Being cheated on is one thing, but for it to be denied and downplayed is a whole other ball game I wasn’t ready to play.
You’re not crazy. He’s gaslighting you. I’m sorry.
I’m sorry girl, Keep packing and leave. Leave him a note and tell him: your boss can now show you off since you’re single. Kissy face emoji. She told him she wishes she can show him off. Meaning, she wishes they can go public. Why are you still there girl? I wouldn’t be able to sleep next to him knowing that he may have stuck his thing in his boss earlier. I’m sorry OP. It’s inappropriate and unacceptable that he Snapchat flirty messages with his boss anyway.
Last piece of advice, something I have and would say to my kids. You have been with your boyfriend for 9 years, it’s a long time, don’t waste another 9 with this guy. He ain’t worth it.
Don’t stay with him.
He doesn’t even care he took a shower and then fell asleep.
Move out or throw him out whoever owns the place.
He took a shower to build a story
He doesn’t even care enough to stay awake and have a conversation. Don’t waste more time on someone who can’t be bothered putting in the simplest of effort.
You’re not crazy. Keep packing up and stick to your guns.
Also, workplaces might have a policy about office romances between boss and employee because that might be considered abuse of authority.
Look even if he was 100% not cheating do you really want to stay with a dude who reacts to a very serious moment of being accused of cheating and just straight up ignores you and goes off to be alone in the other room and takes a shower like you dont even exist?
He cleary gives not even one fuck about your feelings to begin with, and on TOP of that hes cheating.
You found evidence, so you leave.
The proof is in the pudding. Instead of doing everything he could to reassure you that nothing was happening he did the opposite. You got to stew in your feelings and anxiety while he took his phone into the bathroom, took a shower, and nonchalantly went back to bed…while still ignoring you. He knows he got caught in something (not going to accuse anything specific, though at the least this association with his boss is highly inappropriate and more than just friends) and wanted to brush it, and you, off so he didn’t have to deal with it “right now”.
Nah.
So here is what you do: wake his ass up. He doesn’t get to sleep soundly while you are freaking out since he decided to act sus when he got caught. Give him the chance to say his piece because you are also gonna say yours. If he refuses? There’s your answer. Hopefully you are in a situation where removing him is easy enough to do. Make him go so you can have space. Then it’s time to do some soul searching and make a decision.
You are not crazy. Trust your gut. Those intuitions are there for a reason and you should pay attention to them.
Im sorry your guy has turned out to be a creep even if he wasn’t in the past. I agree with other posters about seeing if a work relationship is being violated here as well. His boss is creeping on your man in one way or another and you need to clean house and law down the law.
Can I ask why YOU are leaving?
He’s the Dirtbag cheating with his soon-to-be divorced Boss (maybe because of their affair? Why isn’t he the one moving out?
Hes a narcissist with how what you described how he reacted. Leave him before it gets worse for yourself and he gets more daring with the cheating and when you catch him out again he will flip it all on you as though you are crazy like he just has.
You went wrong when you packed your things. You should have packed HIS things. And he should have been OUT.
He is gaslighting you and lying. You don’t send flirty texts to your boss. HELL – you don’t use SNAPCHAT with your boss. I feel snapchat has a suspicious atmosphere as it is and this is definitely not casual. Her text can also not be misinterpreted.
She sent this to him MEANING she is sad they have to hide their affair. Kick him out or leave.
he is definitely cheating.
a long time ago, when i was the worst version of myself, i cheated on my partner. they found a text on my phone and woked me up. i said that it was probably a message sent to the wrong person (this was before smartphones) and went to the bathroom to use the toilet and “shower”. in fact, i texted my affair partner to text me back something like “oh sorry, that was not meant for you” or something. i don’t remember what else i said when i got out of the bathroom, just that i was feeling physically ill and exhausted and i went to sleep.
OP, he is definitely cheating on you.
OP, so if this is an accident as he claims, then why isn’t he trying to help you understand that?
What does he do, get out of bed to take a shower then go back to bed?
Did he also have an accident in the bed? In his pants more likely.
Sorry OP, your gut was telling you something before you found those messages.
Side note, what did the time-stamps tell you?
Was he very prompt with his reply to her?
If so, yeah, she has his attention.
Keep packing. He is lying and will now start to erode your self-respect by gaslighting you.
Respect yourself more than he respects you.
I have learned so much from this subreddit but the main thing is to wait to confront until you’ve done all the research and snooping possible. Positive OP would have found way more evidence if she had dug a little deeper.
Leave and don’t look back. Staying would be a giant waste of your time. Definitely cheating.
Girl, you need to GET HIM OUT!! Don’t waste anymore time with this POS Scumbag!!!!! He’s just gonna keeping lying to you and gaslighting!!
You packed your things and then stayed? Why?
If cheating or lying or being disrespected and gaslighted are deal breaker for you, just end this relationship. Do not discuss things with a lier, it’s worthless.
I’m sorry for you, but just believe your gut feeling
If you wanna be petty, you can report it to their workplace since a boss-employee relationship is pretty unethical (but hopefully you have evidence to support). You can also tell her STBX husband so he can use it in the divorce.
This absolutely sucks. You aren’t crazy. You have made a plan, now carry it through.
Get out of there first thing once your ride can pick you up and get somewhere safe.
Make sure your bank accounts are secured. Freeze your credit. And start taking your name off of any shared accounts. Get an STD test with your dr.
Make sure all of your legal documents are accounted for and that anything you can’t live without comes with you in case he decides to be vindictive.
There will be plenty of time to cry soon. Right now you need to be angry. Be furious. Because he betrayed your trust and he doesn’t deserve your tears.
Grieve when you are safe. Right now, keep a clear head and don’t take any bullshit.