Friday, March 24, 2023
HomeRelationship AdviceFriend too close with my husband.

Friend too close with my husband.

I met a friend at work about 10 months ago. She naturally started to come around more recently and this has come with concerns from another friend/family members.

We had a bbq where my husband “bob” arrived after her. As soon as she saw him, she squealed with excitement and shouted “OMG BOB!”. Bob kept things polite. For about thirty minutes afterwards, it was constantly her voice going off about something, followed by a sing-song “bob”. Many people noticed and were irritated since she and bob have no relationship outside of him being my husband. She has a cheery personality, so I brushed it off.

There have been other Instances where I’ve noticed that she pays extra attention to bob. Even the most minor things bob says is greeted with an over reactive response and exaggerated laughter and beaming smiles. It’s also gotten to the point where she will make otherwise small talk into twenty minute conversation by asking meaningless questions with lots of big smiles (on her side) and low toned speech. This happened when bob was simply making a drink. I mean, what is there to talk about for twenty minutes when it comes to a drink? Why the low tone?

There was also a dinner that a couple of friends and us attended at a restaurant. A mutual friend sat between bob and her, while bob sat across from me. Bob made a small joke that everyone chuckled at. She turned her entire top half of her body to face bob, laughed excessively and beamed a huge smile. It was so awkward that the mutual friend (seated between them) felt like her personal space was invaded and it was bordering on flirtation.

She does not act this way with the other men in our group. She does not have a relationship with bob outside of me. She has also told me in the past that her best attribute is her smile… I’m assuming that she uses her smile to seem more attractive in dating.

I have also noticed that she has bob’s number saved because we were all in a brief group chat. It would have been fine… but she doesn’t have anyone else’s number saved from the group; even ppl she has connected with on a deeper level. She did not ask bob for permission, nor did she let me know.

I’m of the belief that a person should have boundaries when dealing with anyone else’s SO especially if there is no relationship outside of being a friend’s partner. These things should happen steadily and organically. It seems forced and she honestly comes off as smitten. Bob has also expressed discomfort.

Outside of this, I really like her. I was excited to build a friendship, but I dont know if I can get past this. Advice?

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  1. You need to get real here. She is not your friend, she wants to be with your husband, a friend would not be behaving this way with your husband. You need to stop inviting her anywhere, block her on all devices. Cut off all interaction with her except for work purposes.

  2. Major points to Bob who identified the issue, and brought it to your attention as it’s your friend causing it instead of either soaking up the attention or putting her in her place without giving you the option of keeping the friendship. Sadly she may just not be a friendship worth saving. Even if she backs off now you know she is interested in your husband. Poor Bob has to worry about her finding him alone, and you have to worry that she might go more drastic to get his attention. It’s better to cut this off early.

  3. She wants your husband. Your own husband, family, and friends have all noticed and sensed something was off. Stop hanging out with her, stop inviting her around your husband/family/friends, and create another group chat without her. I would even block her off your husbands phone as who knows what she might escalate to when she realizes you cut her off. No harm in continuing your work relationship but if I were you that’s all I would leave it as. Listen to all the alarm bells going off and protect your marriage.

  4. Sounds like she’s got a crush. She’s your “friend,” (I use quotation marks because she’s not acting like a friend to you atm), so normally I would say you should be the one to deal with her about most things. However, in this particular situation, I think your husband needs to be the one to do it. Ask him to sit her down and tell her that her clinginess is making him uncomfortable, and that he apologizes if he’s reading her wrong, but he wants to be absolutely clear that he is not interested in her in any way nor is he really her friend, and would appreciate it if she would stop seeking him out.

    That way, she can’t twist it around and convince herself that you’re just jealous/trying to control him/keep him away from her because he might actually have feelings for her. Well, she still can, but hearing it straight from the horse’s mouth is always better, I think, in these situations.

    If she doesn’t apologize immediately for making him uncomfortable and back the eff off, she’s no friend of yours and I would stop hanging out with her. And if she doesn’t back off but doubles down that “it must be you making him say these things” (which I have seen happen in other Reddit posts, sadly), then give your husband permission to get rude.

  5. It would be helpful if Bob would express his discomfort to her, and not just you. Her behavior does sound concerning, though the best way to get her to knock it off is for Bob to directly say to her, “hey, you’re making me uncomfortable.” If she doesn’t stop then it might be time for you to tell her you’re uncomfortable with her behavior, and maybe end the friendship depending. If Bob doesn’t want to tell her to stop, then the two of you need to have a deeper discussion.

  6. I had a friend like this. She tried to sit on my husband’s lap and he pushed her off. She never came around again after that. Did I feel bad for her? Sure. I pitted her but laughed my ass off when hers hit the floor.

  7. Honestly, you brought her into Bobs life so I think you need to be the one to say something.

    “A few people, including Bob, have expressed their discomfort in the way you act towards Bob. I hated to realize it, but I agree with them. You act normally towards other men, so I’m not sure why my husband is different. I really like you as a friend, but this is something I cant ignore and I’m starting to wonder if you have hostile intentions.”

  8. She has a crush on your husband, other people noticed & are uncomfortable with her behavior. I’d take that as a sign to stop the friendship or distance yourself from her.

  9. I am betting she knows very well what she is doing. The question is why?

    Is she trying to disturb you?

    Is she trying to seduce your husband?

    Seems like the former more than the latter.

  10. Think about like this. If this was your husband’s friend and he keep doing this and make you uncomfortable. Would you be not heartbroken by the fact that your husband is even considering tobe be friends with such a person. I know it is hard for me people to see that man has feeling as well but in that case just flip the sex and you will realise how wrong you were.

  11. This is weird. I was really close with my friends husband but like you’ve said, through her. We did do things on our own when I needed help with things (buying a car, fixing something in my apartment) but only when she was unavailable to come along and I always went through her first to ask. I didn’t always ask her to ask him for me I might have said hey do you think he’ll help me with this, can I ask him? She was my friend first and he was her husband first that’s how it should be.

  12. As she is your friend you need to be the one to tell her to back off. I dislike that men are asked to step in when their friends over step but also be the ones to do the same when their partners friends do it also.

  13. I’ve had a “friend” like this. I would be chatting with a guy and she’d end up going home with him. There was a time when a guy was chatting me up when we were on a night out, swapped contact details when he left with his friends. She “left” later to join some other friends, went and found him and got his details. Whilst I wasn’t in a relationship and I generally didn’t care as I am happy being single, i could see her for what she was. If I was in a relationship and she was trying that, I would have ended the friendship.

    You don’t have to go crazy on her but you do need to make her aware that her behaviour is inappropriate, has been pointed by family members and your husband, and your husband is getting annoyed. Either drop her as a friend or state that if she continues she will no longer be welcome.

  14. bob is being harassed. you are allowing your friend to harass him. bob should not have to handle this, you should. you brought this person into his life. you even admittedly didn’t think of how this is affecting him.

  15. What does Bob have to say/do about all this ? Is he giving her feedback of some kind ? The first boundary should come from him – it’s more effective that way. Maybe she is one of those people that likes a challenge or thinks flirting with a married man is safe. The obvious answer is that her and Bob cease to be around each other. He doesn’t respond to any msg coming from her. You could consider if you stay friends with her but keep her out of your private life.

  16. If you genuinely don’t want to end the “friendship” call her straight out. Bluntly. “Friend, you should know your blatant infatuation with my husband is making him uncomfortable and making you look like an idiot among the group. People are noticing and commenting. Reel it in.”
    See how she reacts. Might be pure denial but the point will be made. She will be self conscious.

  17. I kinda relate to this in a way. My best friend for the past 9 years or something like that is a very bubbly person when she meets people. she always says she just wants to be friendly and nice, but anytime she has hung out or met any guy in my life her friendliness would come across as flirty. to be fair anytime she talks to a straight man her personality becomes more of a god complex and it seems like she speaks to them knowing she’s attractive if that makes sense. anyways it’s always been uncomfy for me, so when i got into my current relationship i decided i never wanted them to meet. sounds bad since she’s my best friend, but i just don’t want to deal with it.

  18. Do not build a friendship with her. Stop inviting her to stuff and make sure she’s not trying to get in touch with your husband through social media (it sounds like “Bob” already has decent boundaries with her but discuss how he’d approach this if she was to reach out).

    Keep her as far in the periphery of your social circle as being polite and minimizing drama will allow. I’m curious why you’d still want to pursue a friendship with this woman, given how inappropriately she’s behaving toward your husband and the lack of respect it shows for your friendship and for your marriage.

  19. Maybe she’s putting more effort into knowing bob as he his your husband, you who are her friend.

    In her situ I would befriend my work colleagues SO as I would likely have to spend more time with them in future If I was to remain your friend in work

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