Friday, March 24, 2023
HomeRelationship AdviceFrom wedding planning to breakup

From wedding planning to breakup

My fiancé of two months, and boyfriend of four years just broke it off with me. He asked me to marry him two months ago in front of my whole family (about 40 people). We live in a house together (I own it). We have lived together for 3 years. We have a dog. By all intents and purposes, it seemed to me like we had a happy life. We had some issues, I am ocd and he is a messy house person, I am an early riser, he sleeps until 11am etc etc. But NOTHING that would have led me to believe he was unhappy. We were discussing our wedding this morning, and 10 min later he sat me down and said he has been unhappy the last two years and has stopped loving me. He said he hoped the engagement would “fix” things. He never said he was unhappy to me. My friends are shocked, my family is shocked, I am shocked, I did not see this coming. I am confused, I am devastated and I don’t understand. I am not sure I am looking for advice as much as seeing if anyone else can think of any reasons why a man you believe to be happy, shows up happy to everyone you know, whose family loves you and who constantly talks about your future -getting another dog, your wedding, etc etc- would in 10 min upend your entire life

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  1. Right now you’re in shock. He has been deliberately deceiving you for (as he tells it) two years. He has probably also been deceiving himself for most of that time.

    The only thing you can do right now is give yourself time to process this. Get away from him and surround yourself with friends and family. Don’t try to change his mind. You do not want to marry someone who does not 100% want to marry you.

  2. I am so sorry you are going through this.

    As I’ve seen some touch on already, it seems like he was deceiving both you and himself, and all that future talk was an attempt to fool himself as much as you.

    If it’s any consolation, he must have held you in very high regard if he was willing to deny his own feelings to this extreme. He must have thought, “why do I not love this amazing woman?” and tried to make it work in his own head.

    That’s not an excuse to him, I think it was utterly cowardly for him to let your relationship drag on this long and serious before telling you. But I know him not, except for this event, and my opinion is obviously biased.

    The meantime will definitely suck, so please hang in there and call upon your social circle for support. But I hope you take comfort in the fact that by all accounts the fault was not in yourself.

  3. >I am not sure I am looking for advice as much as seeing if anyone else can think of any reasons why a man you believe to be happy, shows up happy to everyone you know, whose family loves you and who constantly talks about your future -getting another dog, your wedding, etc etc- would in 10 min upend your entire life

    So he doesn’t marry you and have kids with you and buy a home with you and THEN decide to stop being unhappy and leave after years more investments on both your parts. He already wasted 2 years of both your lives and stopping that was the right thing to do.

    He did you a favor, cutting you lose while you have minimal entanglements to complicate things further.

    Once you have grieved and healed, you will have the chance to be with someone who is really happy to be with you and build a life with.

  4. Sorry you’re going through this OP.
    It’s hard to know how he truly feels: if it really is something that has been weighing heavily on his mind for the past two years or if something brought this on. Depression could definitely be a factor since it’ll give you a more pessimistic outlook on life which could explain why he’s suddenly looking back at your relationship and only seeing the bad stuff. Has something happened in his life lately? Has he ever been depressed or shown signs of struggling with his mental healh lately?
    All in all it could be ‘it was the straw that broke the camel’s back’ kind of thing but proposing to fix things doesn’t sound quite right from my perspective.

    Anyway, whether you’re trying to figure out answers or not, I hope you can take good care of yourself during these hellish times. Stay strong.

  5. just here to say i relate:( thankfully we were nowhere close to getting engaged, but my ex boyfriend kind of did something similar to me. i even picked up on it and was asking him what was going on, if we were okay, telling him i noticed distance between us. he maintained that everything was fine. even when i asked him how he didn’t notice there was distance between us, he just said he didn’t notice because he was “just generally happy being in a relationship with me”. then broke up with me less than a month later, saying he didn’t love me anymore and hadn’t been happy for months.

    he was lying to himself and to me because he lacked the emotional maturity to process emotions and be honest with me about what he was feeling. what started as us being less happy in our relationship developed into him losing feelings because he held it all in and let the resentment grow. he had even just moved from a city 2 hours away to my home town, 15 minutes away from where my parents are located and 45 minutes from where im attending school. when i asked him how long he was having doubts, he said even before he moved.

    this sucks. a lot. but it says more about them than it does about us. neither of our exes had the emotional intelligence to maintain a relationship or to end it in an appropriate way. you are not alone and I’m glad that you have the self respect to immediately want nothing to do with him. wish i could say the same lol, it took me a couple weeks to fully accept my relationship was over. but i wish you the best and hope you find happiness in yourself! this probably isn’t what you want to hear right now but it’s better to end it before you end up in a loveless marriage. you deserve so much better. good luck <3

  6. My fiance did this a month before our wedding, once he found out I was pregnant. He was acting happy and fine talking about our future, planning our wedding and then BOOM he’s not ready for any of it and wants to see other people while we’re still living together. Turns put he had be deceiving me for a little under a year, already seeing other people and he thought one day he’d just fall back in love with me so he stayed until he “felt it was too much”. It’s been 2 years, my daughter and I are thriving. It’s his mistake not ours and this is not yours either. Do your best to move on and find happiness elsewhere 🙂

  7. Maybe he didn’t even realize he was unhappy until something clicked in his brain (like seeing your friends get married). Sometimes we get in routines and don’t really think about it until one day we ask ourselves, “is this really what I want for the rest of my life?”

    It sucks but it’s better than it happening in 10 more years.

  8. Im sorry, OP.

    Maybe there were signs, but you were not paying that close of an attention.

    Never or rarely fighting is also not a sign you are both happy with the relationship.

    Maybe you need to examine who plans everything, who gives the most effort, who is the complacent one, who just goes along with the plans. Who brought up the marriage and kids talk?

  9. My brother had a friend who when he got married I told my brother that his friend “J had to get married to breakup”. (I had never met J, but just from my brother’s description of the relationship… marriage lasted a few weeks) I don’t believe this is uncommon, because it makes it crystal clear that the relationship is not working. What you can do is accept the break up, but ask him calmly if there were behaviors you can work on for the next relationship. Tell him you want to hear all, but if it’s easier for him to write it, that would be fine.

    Then you start picking up the pieces. If you need exercise, etc to start to feel better you do this.

    When you are ready, and ready to start dating you can have a template for new partner and for new ways to communicate in a new relationship. Look at the ennegram and figure out where you are on it. I think your boyfriend might be a peacekeeper so he never told you he was unhappy. You might need your next bf to be a little more outspoken.

  10. He sounds like one of those ppl ticking off stuff he’s supposed to be doing as an adult, without really wanting those things. For example, men are supposed to grow up, get a job, a house, a wife, a dog, children, ect. Tick, tick, tick, tick, tick.

  11. I’m sorry this happened but I will say that there are a lot of people (guys and girls) who assume their partner is happy but they never actually ask them. They assume because they keep talking about the next step, because their partner does so much for them that they must love them. In reality they keep pushing themselves forward trying to find a way back to that happiness they lost and sometimes it actually works and you’ll never even know unless you ask.

    This is not meant to be an attack but I wonder did you ever inquire about how he was doing? Many guys keep their feelings bottled up because society tells them they have to be manly and strong.

  12. He is not happy and said he has been for 2 years. You can’t change how he feels but you can change his address. He needs to move out and you need to let go. Otherwise, you will be holding on to a BF in your home that’ll be cheating on you. It wouldn’t be surprising now that he already did. It sucks that he did this big engagement announcement ask him to post a separation announcement that you decided to move separate ways so that you don’t have to explain to anyone.

  13. Are you sure you haven’t been turning a blind eye to his unhappiness?

    No offense OP, but my first instinct is to say that you’re an unreliable narrator but that’s because I’ve been in a similar position.

    My ex ignored what I said in our arguments, never changed his behavior, every problem was me – being too messy, sleeping too late, despite me being in school full time getting straight As and working two night jobs.

    He was also surprised when I left him. I did something like your ex in an effort to try to convince myself that it could work if only I did this thing. One day I couldn’t keep up the facade.

    So that’s my experience. I can see how this could happen if you’re not being fully honest with yourself.

  14. You’re probably pretty bummed out and upset right now, if I where in your shoes, get some distance, be with some friends and try to distract yourself a little, stay away from him for now.

  15. Yeah, it sounds like there is nothing wrong with you. He changed or you both changed so subtly and grew apart. There was just no real reason he could think of to actually leave you. Instead he hoped a different dynamic would help improve his feels.

    I’m glad he was able to communicate this before the marriage happened.

    I wish I had been able to not ignore various red flags in my first long term relationship and we both thought marriage was the next step.

    It wasn’t. We both sucked at communication. The marriage I’m in now has a base of communication and even in the worse parts of it I know we are there for each other and can work together and are stronger together.

  16. Same thing happened to me last year. Only difference is I am the man. I struggle on a daily basis. This post and reading others responses has helped remind myself of what to do. I’ve tried everything to move on. Work, family, counseling etc

    My last ditch effort will have to be 100% sobriety so I can fully process this shit. If that don’t work then idk

  17. This is kinda like my situation but without the wedding. Woke up yesterday morning made my live in bf a cup of coffee before work. Gave him a kiss said I love you. And literally while I’m at work he said he’s moved out and can’t do this anymore without ever showing signs of unhappiness in the relationship. I don’t mean to make this about me. But mean deal with unhappiness way differently than we do. They hide it and try to see where things go.

  18. Alll I hear is I this iChat me me me and not once did you bother to mention how he felt . Do you or did yall actually communicate? Did yall try to come to a common ground? Cause if not then thos ks built up. So we only got one side what dkes he gotta say about this . I think we left out more infi regarding this sotuation

  19. Sounds to me like he panicked and maybe as a result it made him face his feelings and he couldn’t go through with it. This is actually a good thing imo, sucks that you went through this but just imagine had it been 1 year from now. You’d be even more livid and it’d be even more messy.

    Idk who the dog likes more but do whatevers best for the dog.

  20. Girl same thing happened to me. Together 8 yrs. Beautiful family. I told him I wasn’t happy lets fix it and he said neither was he but he wanted a month off. I told him no. We sold our house within a month. Come to find out he was seeing someone else. Not saying thats what your guy is doing but its just weird how fast it happened.

  21. My question is when I hear things like this is why propose when you’re not happy with the person to begin with? You are absolutely right for saying you don’t want to be with someone who doesn’t want to be with you!

  22. He didn’t even bother communicating his feelings for the last 2 years. Just look on the brighter side and consider it dodging a bullet. Atleast he had the guts to stop before tying the knot. You don’t want to be in a one-sided marriage.

  23. Because some people are really good liars and can get you believe what they want you to believe. Also, it’s possible that things that might not have seemed like such huge issues to you, were actually huge issues to him and you might not have seen the warning signs, especially because you were floating on a high (i’m assuming) from the engagement.

    It’s awful that he thought the engagement would “fix” things, but if he was that miserable it’s much better that it happened now, before you spent a lot of money on a wedding only to then spend even more on a divorce shortly down the road.

  24. First I am so sorry. Second I agree with the commenter who said that he’s obviously been deceiving you and himself for a lengthy time period, you are in shock and I totally understand, take your time moving on. Do not try to convince this guy that he should marry you, simply because he proposed. You deserve so much better and I hope you find it❤️

  25. I know everyone’s coming down on him hard, but at least he spoke up before you got married. I’m sorry you’re hurting but far better to find out now.

    I suspect he got scared at the committment once it became real. People can drift along calmly for a while but eventually the time comes where they either speak up or get stuck. Looking back he may think his growing doubts were not loving you, but you can’t fake happiness for very long.

    I hope you find someone who is more suited to you, and when you’re anger dies down be thankful he got the courage to tell you.

  26. See it as a gift. Some guys who don’t know themselves will play a part that makes them feel wanted, and then when it gets real, they run. You seem grounded and know what you want. Don’t doubt yourself – there is no shame in being fooled by someone you trust. You just learn and move on to a better way forward. Step back from the feelings and see it for what it is – a lesson in life but also a free second chance. I know because I was in your position and am grateful it ended early enough to avoid the alternative of a slow moving car crash.

  27. It doesn’t need to be that he lied to you for two years. If you tell yourself that, you’re going to feel like you’re oblivious – it’s a hit to your self-esteem that you don’t need.

    Love is really complicated. He did love you in many ways and he did enjoy these years with you. It’s ok to look back on your good memories with him fondly. They’re not fake or false.

    What has happened is that he has some desire(s) or requirement(s) he’s looking to have sated in a marriage partner (or in a relationship, and it’s actually nothing to do with you!) and he didn’t communicate that thing, whatever it is, to you. He has been testing to see whether he is happy enough without that thing, and acting as though all is well, as he waits to see if promise of that thing appears. But again, that does not mean he’s been unhappy all this time! It only means that he didn’t tell you what he wants, and under the pressure of the engagement and looming marriage, he has finally decided it’s something he doesn’t want to live without.

    He wasn’t even necessarily hiding it from you: some people don’t even fully understand what they want – they just wait until they experience what “feels right”. And if they don’t understand it, they can’t communicate it.

    This is not your fault, and honestly you’re going to save yourself a lot of grief by saying goodbye, else you spend your marriage trying to please someone who can’t communicate what he actually wants, or who wants something you can’t provide whether you both know it or not.

    But again, it’s okay to have fond memories of this relationship, and know you WERE a good partner.

  28. This dude will definitely regret this, I’m so sorry OP you will be ok and it’s clear he would have broke your heart and left even after children, leaving you to deal with the emotional mess alone so thank goodness he showed his true colors now. Usually a real great guy comes after situations like this. You will have a happy ending

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