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gf is upset I threatened to quit paying for her after she won’t make me lunch.

Before I start my rant, I want to give a little insight to my situation. My gf and I have been together 4 years, living together for 1 year. I work a blue collor job where thankful I’m not doing too many hours(, compared to some labor jobs) and bring in good money. With that money I’m able to pay most of my gf and my bills(rent, car payment, insurance, ECT), I only ask my gf to pay the internet, our utilities if we go over our limit ( we rarely do), and any spending money she needs through the day.

Now money in our relationship isn’t an issue, I normally have money at the end of the month to put away, but I would like to have more saved/invested for our Future. I tend to spend more than I would like due to eating out for breakfast and lunch, since I need to be out of the house by 6 am and can’t just come home for lunch. Last week I asked my gf if she could start making me breakfast and lunch for the days, and I would be fine if they were the same. She seemed kind of shocked I asked her that they’ll me “that’s a mom and wife kinda job, which I am neither”, showing me her ring finger.

Now I would understand not wanting to wake up early if she were working a full time job, and maintaining the house but she’s not, she works a very flexible job that she’ll go in at 10ish and be home by 3-5 depending on how busy she is. And I normally cook a little more than half of the time, and always help out with the cleaning. I really wasn’t even upset she wasn’t making me lunches, It’s that she felt it was too much to give me a little help in the morning when I’m basically supporting here. After all of this happened, I told her that if that’s the way things are, I would be, I expect her to make her own payment, and split the bills.

All of this happened a week ago and my gf is still pretty upset about the situation, shes really hasn’t made contributions to discuss everything, or help around the house. I really don’t want something this small to break us up .

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  1. I understand both of your POV’s.
    I feel like you both need to sit down and talk. Even if she is upset atm. Just apologize andexplain that you didn’t mean for it to come off as a threat. That all you want is 20 minutes of extra help. Then proceed to explain anything else of stress you do feel. Then you can hear her side as well. she made the comment of being a wife? Ask her about that if it bothers her she isn’t one yet. If all else fails,
    Overnight oats are fucking Amazing you just throw that shit in a container with chocolate or fruit.

  2. May get down voted to hell for this but a 50/50 split doesn’t mean financially 50/50. If her financial contribution isn’t 50/50 and she has very few things to pay for then she needs to either start paying more or contribute to more of the house chores and cooking.

    If she doesn’t want to do the chores she can pay more and you can hire someone to make your lunches and drop them off.

    I would also have been petty and said “supporting you financially is a husbands and fathers job and I’m neither” you don’t have children. Their is absolutely no reason for her to not pull her weight either financially or in the home. I’m actually unsure why you’re taking all the financial responsibilities. She works. You didn’t mention any disabilities and you don’t have children. What is her excuse for not putting in her share of chores and finances?

    Frankly your partner has set the standard of what she is willing to give. Match it. I encourage more couples to do so.

  3. Sounds like there’s more of an in balance elsewhere with you feeling as if you’re carrying more of the weight in the relationship. I’d probably sit down and talk to her about this, but asking her to make your sandwich every day for work IS a motherly job, I wouldn’t even say a wife should have that responsibility. But her helping out with other things like paying for more collective things that are for the both of you (bills, housework, etc) makes more sense. I completely understand why she’s upset

  4. I understand you. I think some people are missing the point, you see it as you go out of you way to provide and take care of everything and you feel hurt that a few sandwiches can’t be made in return.

    I get it, and I also understand her saying “that’s a mom and wife kinda job, which I am neither” but it’s sort of contradicted since you’re the one who takes care of her? A lot of girls in relationships who are not yet mothers or wives have to work and usually agree on a 50/50 type agreement in their relationship, she’s fortunately being taken care of.

    I would definitely sit down and discuss her maybe contributing more to the shared bills or rent?
    In my opinion, if my man is paying the mortgage, all our bills and everything else I’d automatically want to help him in other ways with meals and cleaning etc but that’s just me, so I can definitely see how you might be feeling like this.

  5. Question, because all your comments go back to how you pay all her bills.

    How did you come to this arrangement in the first place? Did you offer to pay and ask that she pay those few expenses you mentioned? Did she ask you to cover the bills? Is there a huge difference in salary and ability to pay the monthly expenses?

    The context of how this arrangement was agreed on greatly impacts whether your response was straight asshole or just a frustrated partner in a situation they are unhappy with.

    One thing I will say, no matter what threatening to “take away” financial support when you don’t get what you want is not loving behavior. Pretty shitty.

  6. Realizing your current financial situation with your partner not working, is normal and you’re not wrong to ask for more support- but it’s a conversation that should have been separate. Because this comes across like you used your financial situation with her against her. The financial situation that up until this point, she likely believed was fine by you and normal for the two of you. I see your side of things, it’s perfectly reasonable to renegotiate things, but this was just bad delivery on your part. I personally think it’s a lot to ask a partner to wake up early & make you meals. If it’s something they /offer/ to do, that’s great- but personally I wouldn’t ask my partner to do that because it would be inconvenient… even though I contribute more financially at the moment. From her perspective, you asked her for a daily & fairly big inconvenient favor, and are now punishing her for not immediately agreeing to it. Sure that’s now how you meant to come across, but had you previously mentioned needing more support and came up with a new bill-splitting situation- she’d have been less likely to be upset over this… OR you’d have been less likely to ask due to your financial situation not being as stressful for you. Idk I think you could probably work things out. Just apologize for what happened and explain what you’re really stressed about- tell her that it would be amazing if she could make you meals when it’s convenient, but that it was wrong to make it an expectation or some kind of transaction. I’m sure she would not be completely opposed to supporting you two more, if it was gone about in a different way.

  7. Stop backing down or saying “I never asked her for this” every time someone brings up a more even financial split. You obviously feel it is unfair and that’s valid, and you need to own it.

    Since she doesn’t like taking on the lion’s share of household chores, why not ask for a more even financial split? You are both working, there is no reason why she should live like your dependent.

  8. Idk, I am married. If my husband who is currently the only one working (objective immigration issues) were to ask me to make sandwiches, I would want it to be recognized as a nice thing I am doing for him out of the goodness of my heart rather than something expected of me.

    If my husband were, like, hey, you have to do it because you are not doing enough in the relationship, I would have been EXTREMELY upset. If they asked very nicely, like look, this would really save us some money, and I would appreciate it, I would have most likely gladly done it, or declined and brainstormed other ways to save if this was not the one I was down for. From what you said rather than making it your common business to save, and asking for her input, you just decided that this is the way, and went with it without really asking for feedback from her.

    Another question is: are you sure that her job is so laid back? Like weirdly enough, my day is very busy because I am applying for jobs, learning some marketable skills, and solving a ton of problems related to my country going down the drain and the whole of my community being upended. I could probably spare some time for a sandwich but who can’t (you can as well btw). However, I would not want my husband to run away with an idea that I am sitting at home watching TV (and he doesn’t think so). I would recommend talking to her about it, and asking her input on how to save, or if she maybe wants a more strenuous and high-paying job instead of cooking sandwiches, and what will help her to get there.

    Edit: Also, apart from this, you don’t need your partner to wake up with you if you want food in the mornings. Things can be prepped overnight, and cereal take five mins. I did not quite understood that you wanted her to get up with you. That is completely unacceptable, and does not seem to take her needs into account at all. Also, even mom or dad didn’t wake up to make me breakfast since my third grade. And you know, it was never a problem.

  9. Two words, my dude: overnight oats. While you’re making dinner, chuck some oats, chia seeds, fruit, nuts and milk in a cup, put it in the fridge, and bam! You’re set for the morning. No need to rely on your partner. It’s not too much of a stretch to make a sandwich the night before either.

    Source: single dad working full-time and training for a triathlon (usually out the door by 5am).

  10. I work 12 hours a day and pay all the bills, my S/O works an unpaid apprenticeship right now to get certified and she works 4 days a week for 7 hours. She cleans more and cooks more for me because she WANTS to. She knows that I’ll handle our finances while she pursues her career, and that I put a considerable amount of hours into a job (also a 20 year old blue collared worker) and she’s decided she wants to help me out where she can. Your problem is just face value, you need to sit down and express you feel you’re putting more in than you’re getting out.and go from there, at the end of the day you two might just not be a match.

  11. She wants you to marry her. Think you hurt her feelings when you got mad when she pointed at her ring finger. She wasn’t talking about money or making sandwiches. She wants a commitment.

    Edit: went back and looked. Yep y’all been together 4 years. She wants to take the next step.

  12. IT is not something small OP and you are right . Like you pay for the majority of the bills so she should accept helping you with a little bit of time if she is a keeper

  13. 1) make your own food in advance. Breakfast and lunch. No, you are not too busy. Source: single mom, full-time work, full-time school, 100% homecooked meals always
    2) talk to her… seems like you are on a different pages in this relationship. She takes you taking care of her financially for granted. But you never asked her for anything, so even if she is wrong – she does not know about it

    Good luck!

  14. You live together as a couple and she’s happy being supported as a wife but doesn’t want wife duties? Not to say making lunch is solely a wife duty, but you asked her as a partner and she said because she isn’t your wife she won’t make your lunch. I highly suspect even if you married her she still wouldn’t make your lunch.

    I’m engaged, but we don’t live together. When my fiancé stays at my house, I will get up at 4am to make him lunch because

    1. He works a labor intensive job
    2. He spoils me as well as keeps my yard looking immaculate and does odd jobs around my house
    3. I work full time, 10 hour days myself but in an office
    4. We make about the same amount of money so I’m not financially dependent on him

    He does not expect me to make him lunch but I do it because I appreciate and love him for the things he does for me and this is a small way for me to reciprocate.

    My point is, if she doesn’t feel the desire to want to take care of you the way you do her, then setting those boundaries as you did with “going Dutch” on living expenses is a logical move.

  15. > since I need to be out of the house by 6 am


    >she works a very flexible job that she’ll go in at 10ish

    There’s no way it’s reasonable to ask someone who start working at 10am to get up before you (who has to be out by 6!!!!) to make you breakfast. This is a hard no on every level, and it’s kind of hard to understand that you’d propose the idea.

    For the lunch issue, it’s really simple, cook more for dinner the previous day and pack leftover (you or her or whomever cook dinner). Prep everything after dinner the day before. Again, if you expect her to get up before you do to make you a lunch for the day, you’re a deeply unreasonable person.

  16. You are a grown-ass man. As a fellow grown-ass man, pack your own breakfast and lunch. It shouldn’t take you longer than 5-20 minutes depending on your competency. If someone offers to make your food, that’s one thing, but asking for it is another.

    Now, you do have a legitimate point about the division of labour and financial responsibilities. It sounds to me like you two have a relationship more akin to a parent and an adult child. You pay for everything except for a few token items. She just gets to use her money as she wishes with few financial responsibilities and with fewer work hours. I get why you are pissed. That’s bs. It doesn’t sound like she is making up for that with the labour division at home.

    Renegotiation is definitely necessary. If she wants to be mature and just treat you like a roommate, then you have your answer there though.

  17. She works 5-7 hours per day and contributes what you’ve asked her to.

    Who cooks dinner?
    You want her making 3 meals per day?

    Why can’t you meal prep breakfast and lunch the night before? Or even on Sunday, for the week.

    Asking her to wake up at 6am when she doesn’t have to be at work until 10 is pretty inconsiderate.

    You both sound like you suck. She sounds like she likes wife benefits such as getting most of the bills paid but doesn’t want to do other wife duties. And you sound like you like to hold this over her head.

  18. The girlfriend v wife is something I’ve been seeing a lot. You supporting her is wife status. Her arguement that she doesn’t have to make your meals because she doesn’t have a ring on her finger doesn’t hold water. She’s already accepting “wife advantages”, so she needs to adjust that thinking PDQ.

    Sorry, but this isn’t a balanced partnership and I’d treat her attitude a bit more seriously than you seem to be doing.

  19. so, you *don’t* work “too many hours like most labor jobs”. i’m guessing you work 40 hours per week since you haven’t told us how many you work. every normal person who works 8 hour shifts has time to make their own meals.

    then you said you always help out with housework. “helping out” is usually not doing the majority. then you go on to say she doesn’t maintain the house. if you “help out” with housework and she doesn’t do any, then who are you “helping out?”

    then you said she does the shopping, and i’m assuming she grocery shops and shops for basic household items for the both of you.

    you asked her to wake up early af just to make your food which you can easily make yourself. so i assume every time she doesn’t do what you want, you’re going to create this same ultimatum.

    yeah, she’s not being very appreciative of what you’re doing, but she’s never going to want to become your wife and willingly help make your food if you act like that lmao.

  20. I think that your request was not unreasonable, relationships tend to be give and take. You make lunch because you have the time, I make dinner because I have the time. However, I think the fact that the first time you asked for something was something that is traditionally viewed as “woman’s work” and the follow up threat are not working in your favor.

    First, you need to apologize for threatening to not pay bills. I understand your intent with the comment but it comes across as quid pro quo rather than a fair argument. Don’t justify it, simply say, “I am sorry I threatened to stop paying bills because you said “no”. I do not want you to think that a minor disagreement will affect your stability.”

    Then have a discussion about why you need help. Work together to come up solutions. A couple options might be:

    1) Cook larger dinners and bring leftovers for lunch.

    2) Pack breakfast/lunch the night before. Ask her if she would be willing to take this on since you come home tired (ask, don’t tell!)

    3) look for good microwave options or lunchable style options (if you don’t always have access to a microwave) that you can have in the house for days when she/you are unable to pack something.

    4) Commit to working together to come up with meal plans in advance (like on the weekend for the upcoming week) so that you know you have what you need in the house and there is no extra burden placed on making sure breakfast and lunch options are available.

    It is not unreasonable to ask for help but it is unreasonable to have her assume all the responsibility for your meals. A little communication will go a long way to putting you both back on the same page.

  21. I don’t know why people are bashing you in the comments, asking your partner for help after you’ve been together for years and living together for over a year isn’t a horrible thing? I guess everyone has their own expectations or how a relationship should go lol. But in any case you can try looking into meal prepping for the week, takes a few hours depending on the meal and then you just get disposable containers, pack and freeze them. Take them to work for lunch.

  22. I work 9 hours mon-fri and i have to be out 1 hour and 30 mins earlier than my bf, and idk about anyone else cause it’s *my* personal point of view, but it’s not that big of a deal to prepare a meal for someone you love? i feel like your gf is still somewhat carrying individualistic ideals even though you’ve been living together for a year – well sure it’s not marriage, but by moving in together you both already chose to share your daily lives. and if she doesn’t want to wake up earlier, she can just cook for two portions the night before. that’s what i do, and besides i get to save money for my own lunch too. of course, we share the expenses for the groceries.

    i understand that she feels like it may be somewhat of a “wifely motherly” duty, but i understand that you may feel unsatisfied because you’ve contributed so much, so maybe you both can talk and find a middle ground? maybe compromise, and if she agrees to pack lunch for you for at least 3 out of 5 days aren’t you still going to save money?

  23. Some people here are delusional as hell lol. I’m married and my husband pays for everything. In fact, we don’t even have separate accounts, it’s one acc which is ours. This is how it used to be even before marriage. And even back then, I was making him meals. In fact, I made all of them. And we’re not talking about a simple sandwich – I made sure he was eating really nutritious and full meals 3-4 times a day. Why? Because I love him and he’s paying for everything. At some point I was contributing around 20% – even then I was cooking for him. And why? Again, I love him and sure I wanna be helpful. If she’s paying only for internet and keeping all the money for herself while you’re paying for everything else and doing chores – I guess you’re with the wrong woman. I’m shocked to see so many people here saying that “you should talk” and trying to justify her actions. If the genders where reversed everyone would have been saying smth like “RUN”. And I’m not saying these a conservative lol – I’m a feminist. Just some people are entitled af nowadays.

  24. Hold on to make you a sandwich you have to propose or marry her while you have clearly taken on the role of supporting her? You need to look at yourself you have given her everything so now that is the norm. Why should she do anything for you! The wife/mother comment should give you pause. She may have exposed herself with that. Not what you would want to hear with as much as you do for her! The question is if she was not living with you how much would change? Would you better off with a cleaner? What positive impact does she have and work from there, sometimes people are complacent sometimes malicious you need to figure out where she is between the two.

  25. It seems like a weird request to a partner, and I totally get why she is upset. Especially after you want to build pressure by talking about changing the payment stuff. That’s nasty.

    And towards the meals…a mother would do that for her small children, sure. But you’re an adult and can totally make your own breakfast and lunch to take with you.
    You could even prepare the stuff in the evening.
    There’s some really nice stuff that can be done without a lot of work.

    My husband would be weirded out too if I asked him to make my work lunch or stand up early to make me breakfast. Wtf …

  26. So my fiancé and I actually had a conversation close to this when he started the job he’s currently working. He’s a blue collar worker and is a laborer he can have to be into work as early as 2am and be out whenever depending on how many jobs they have to do that day. Him and I had the discussion of how we were going to divvy up responsibilities with maintaining our responsibilities. I do more of the cooking/cleaning but on his days off he helps. I also offered to make him breakfast and lunch when I’m not feeling like shit. I have a lot of physical health problems. Their may have been a disconnect in the discussion. I definitely think it’s worth talking about again. I would just explain how it would make you feel if she did these things. Like explaining that it would make things slightly easier for you and cost would be down lower because you wouldn’t be eating out a lot. The first couple of weeks my fiancé had his job he was eating out for two meals a day.

  27. I always make breakfast and lunch for my boyfriend and now husband. We both work full time. In fact I go to work a couple of hours before him and make sure everything is ready, in his bedside table for when he wakes up. Then when I arrive from work I get dinner started. We both contribute equally to the house finances and the house chores. For me, it’s not about whose responsibility is whose, is about ensuring that he eats properly and goes to work without worry. If I don’t do this for him, I know he might skip breakfast or be overly worried at lunch going to the shop and eating unhealthy food. This is my way of caring about him

  28. I actually don’t think that you’re in the wrong at all. So you can pay almost all the bills practically by yourself as a husband/ provider but she can’t make you some breakfast and lunch so you can SAVE MONEY FOR YALLS FUTURE. I mean yeah you said that about not paying for her if she didn’t make you food but she also said she wouldn’t make it because she’s not a wife or mother. Like you’re a team, I don’t think you’re asking for to much. My baby’s father and I aren’t together and he started telling me that he wanted to save money and was thinking about starting to take lunch so I’ve been trying to pack him lunch. If he’s doing good, my daughter will be good. Hope you come to a good compromise . Good luck.

  29. You’re out here doing husband shit with no ring, supporting her and shit, and she can’t make you a damn sandwich? Bruh, she’s not the one lol

  30. My partner was working a job where he had to wake early and drive two hours to the site for a few months for that project. We were also tight on money at the time so didn’t want to spend a lot grabbing food out. The night before I’d pack his breakfast and lunch bc he was making most of our money at the time and seemed reasonable. It’s really easy to make a huge batch of eggs in a pan and bake a huge batch of bacon on a cookie sheet in the oven on sundays and doesn’t take much time, and you’re set for the week. Could even put it in tortillas to make breakfast tacos. Yes she’s not a wife, so she might be salty ab that. But you’re also taking care of her financially in a “husband” sort of way. Obviously there needs to be a conversation with clearer communication so that you both feel your needs are being met.

    (Edit: I would like to add that my partner sat down with me to discuss the money and meal prep situation so I had a better understanding of his needs so that we would be on the same page, and I think that helped a lot regarding the comfortability of the matter.)

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