Friday, March 24, 2023
HomeRelationship AdviceGirlfriend (20F) did things to me (19M) when I was drunk and...

Girlfriend (20F) did things to me (19M) when I was drunk and kept it from me (intentionally or not, I don’t know)

Little background info, I’ve been with my gf for 4 months now, she’s my first relationship and I’ve told her two times before that due to something traumatic that happened to me when I was younger, I’m not ready to have sex yet, and she said she understood and there was no pressure to.

A couple of weeks ago, we went to a party together (we’re both in college) and stayed pretty late, she didn’t drink but I did. I remember very little from the party other than the first hour or so after we got there. She told me the next morning that we got a ride home at about 1:30 (AM) from a mutual friend and I stayed over at her dorm because mine was basically at the whole other end of campus, that was pretty much the extent of my knowledge.

Fast forward to yesterday and she starts questioning me about when we’re gonna have sex since we’ve been together for a while now. I tell her that I’m not really comfortable with it yet because of the same thing I told her about last time. Things get a bit heated because I kept telling her to just drop it and she ends up saying something along the lines of “you were fine with it after the party”. I ask her about this and she starts explaining how we supposedly had sex at her dorm after we got dropped off from the party. She starts getting surprised that I’m really angry and upset about this and doesn’t understand why because I apparently “liked it when we were doing it”. I’m not sure if drunken consent it legal or not where we live, but I start telling her that its extremely fucked up on a moral level and that she betrayed my trust. She starts to argue back with me but I can’t even remember what she was saying at that point and I just ended up leaving.

She’s been texting me nonstop since yesterday and my roommate says she’s came over to our dorm while I was out. I just don’t want to see her at this point. One of her friend’s texted me and said that she said she was sorry and just wants to talk to me but if I see her I think I’m just gonna be sick. I don’t know if I’m overreacting or not because she’s been basically perfect before this, I imagined I’d be married to her eventually but I’m not sure anymore.

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  1. I saw in one comment that you were wondering if she lied about you both having a sexual encounter so she could gauge your reaction and possibly manipulate you into having further sexual activity. Regardless of whether she made this up or not, in no circumstances would her behavior be okay, and I’m sorry this was done to you.

    Here are some resources in case you want to look into them.

    * [1 in 6 is an organization dedicated specifically to helping men and boys who have survived sexual violence]( They have a 24/7 chat helpline, educational resources, and weekly chat-based online support groups with a trained facilitator.
    * [Male Survivor is also an organization for male sexual violence survivors]( They are similar to 1 in 6 and have in-person support groups as well. If you are a male survivor located in the U.S., Male Survivor has a comprehensive directory of therapists who work with male sexual abuse survivors.
    * [SurvivorsUK is for men in the UK who have experienced sexual violence]( All of their resources are arranged by age of survivor. They also offer referrals to ISVAs (Independent Sexual Violence Advisors) which are legal advocates who help male survivors navigate the criminal and civil justice systems.
    * [The Mayo Clinic offers a comprehensive safety planning guide for male domestic violence survivors](


    Edit: Hey to anyone other than OP reading this, I really think it’s possible to call out the systemic bias faced by male victim/survivors of sexual violence without minimizing the difficulties faced by survivors of other genders. Comments like “If you were a woman you wouldn’t even be questioning this” are really damaging to female survivors, who also struggle extensively with guilt, shame, and self-doubt. Comments like “If you were a woman he’d be in a jail cell by now” are also minimizing of the very negative experiences that large numbers of women assaulted by women, and women assaulted by men, have had with the criminal legal system. I really think we can acknowledge the enormous stigma encountered by male victims without also perpetuating inaccuracies about how the criminal legal system necessarily works and how non-male identifying survivors feel and react after assaults.

  2. No one is saying this, but if you forgot everything from one hour into the night then until the next morning then you could have had something slipped into your drink, because that seems a bit odd to be that blacked out so quickly. Not saying it isn’t possible but it seems a bit off.

    She is pressuring you into doing something that you don’t want to do, that is enough to stop being with someone, that lack of respect for your choices.

  3. Red flag even if it did not happen she is trying to manipulate you into sex and that is imoral, wrong..and a turn off. Why would you want to have sex with her when she us acting like this. Trauma or not, its always your choice too.

    I am sorry this girl is no good, break up and consider not getting too drunk yeah? Know your limits remembering the party is part of the fun. I used to pretend to drink so people wouldnt botter me

    Best wishes

  4. I am sorry she put you through that. You are right that you did not give consent if you were under the influence. I would consider reporting her to whoever you report to on campus. She clearly does not respect your boundaries and took advantage of your trust when you were in a inebriated state.

  5. She raped you. That was rape. You were drunk, you could not consent, and she raped you. You explicitly told her you were not interested in sex yet, but she took advantage of you being drunk and she raped you.

    You need to get an audio recording of her admitting to it again, and report her.

  6. What she committed was rape. End the relationship immediately, and press charges. If the shoe was on the other foot, you’d be the one burning at the stake. She victimized you and that’s NEVER okay.

  7. She’s claiming your first time with her was when you were too drunk to remember AND despite your trauma that you made her WELL aware of. Any responsible and respectful person, let alone partner, would have just made sure you got to bed alright, not tried to jump your bones as soon as they got the chance, when by no stretch of the imagination were you able to consent by any legal or moral standards.

    Not to mention her pressuring you for sex instead of respecting your boundaries like any decent human being. I mean was she really so impatient after 4 months that she couldn’t just use a toy. Tbh I don’t think she really cares as much about you as she does having a fuckbuddy with romantic benefits for herself.

  8. That sounds like rape to me. If she knew you didn’t want to then she should have waited until you were clearly able to consent. Being blackout drunk means you couldn’t.

    I’m sorry she did that to you.

  9. I’m sad you were sexually assaulted. You were raped by your girlfriend. I believe you, and I’m so sorry that this will be added to your past sexual trauma. I encourage you to break up with her, report her to your school and possibly the police, and then try to find therapy at school while you have the health insurance. Talking about it even a little bit will help reduce the effects it will have on you.

  10. This was not consent and she has crossed a HUGE line. I’m sure she was perfect in the 4 months prior but she’s broken your trust and that is not someone you should go back to. Up to you on how to deal with it all but you should probably talk to a professional about this. I’m so sorry someone has taken advantage of you like that.

  11. 1. You owe her neither answer nor attention and feel free to not feel even a little guilty about not wanting to see her.
    2. From the mentions of campus and roommate, are you a student? If so, I would go immediately to either a mental health professional or a housing support staff member and talk this through. She’s now backtracking whether or not she did something to you, but the entire story gives me chills and makes me want to offer a hug or just warmth to you. Her friend reaching out means not only did she tell someone else, perhaps a not full story, but also that she is using others to pressure and guilt you.

    In fact, you might just show the staff member this post and say you aren’t sure if you feel comfortable going back to your dorm, knowing she might be there. Dont get me wrong, sometimes colleges are plain useless on this, and if they tell you to rug sweep, I rarely say this, but call the non-emergency line for local police. Either way, they’ll know whether she may have committed a crime and have a much better idea than strangers online about what you have within reach.

    With that out of the way, I’m so sorry your trust was betrayed this way, and I wish you both peace and feelings of safety. Also, if you’re uncertain, you 100% should never be pressured into sex, coerced under the influence, or have it demanded, nor should your relationships make you feel this vulnerable unless that’s something you directly consented to.

  12. The fact she didn’t drink that night and potentially coerced your drunk self into sex knowing your values is appalling. If you truly don’t want to see her or make amends, tell your friends who are texting to let her know to stay away from you next time she shows up or messages them. Make sure she knows for 100% that the relationship is over and why, then cut all ties for good.

    The situation that night, I think you need to hear from her if it was true or not. My suspicion is that you didn’t have sex and she’s using it as a way to convince you to “do it again”. The reason I feel this, is because why would she be asking when you’re going to have sex… If you’ve already done it, she surely wouldn’t approach it like that.

    Please don’t let this eat you up inside. Nobody deserves to go through this and many of us are survivors who would be happy to talk to you if you need someone to listen.

    It’s your life, your body and your boundaries. You decide when you’re ready, nobody else. Good on you for sticking to your morals and I’m so sorry for this situation. You’re going to be okay (hug).

  13. That is rape. I’m so sorry. You told her you weren’t ready. Consent while intoxicated is not consent. Period. No different than when it happens to a woman. It’s date rape. Please get help, as this is not okay. Her nonchalance at this event is very telling as to who she really is. Leave. Get therapy. Live a life filled with people who would never take advantage of you like this.

  14. She raped you. Period. You need to get some help, check with your student health services for info about rape help.

    Reporting it to law enforcement is up to you, and if you feel like you can handle it. But whether ir not you do, block that woman from everything.

  15. Marriage requires a level of trust that will probably never be regained from her actions. If possible, file a police report. This is 100% rape. If it were the other way around, you’d already be in jail. No means no regardless of gender. Rape aside, this girl has some serious boundary issues. She can’t harass you and then get her friends to do the same. Run as far away from her as possible. Make sure your friends understand that you want nothing to do with her and if they can’t respect that (I.e. relay messages from her to you) then drop them as well.

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  17. She pretty much told you she sexually assaulted you while you were drunk and unable to consent. By nice by text and get her to confess then report her to the cops with the proof.

  18. Well now if you are THAT drunk that you are fully blacked out the scenario where you drunkenly wanted to do it is not really very likely. At least I have never seen someone that damn drunk that could do much more then crawl or just sit and stare.

    The real question is if she actually did it or if she just told you. If you were in that state you would not really have “liked” anything or dislked anything for that matter. You would have just lied there passed out. So at least the part where she says you liked it is also very unrealistic.

    I would text her and ask again what EXACTLY happened that evening. Best she sends it to you per text or voicemails. Then you can first decide what to make of it and even have the proof to press charges is you later decide to do so. I for my part think that rape is wrong and every rapist should be reported no matter if its a male or female.

  19. Women mistake a man’s erection equals consent, even when intoxicated/under the influence and even when ASLEEP! It doesn’t. You can flip the script on her by asking if she was passed out drunk, how would she feel to wake up disoriented to you being sack deep inside her because she got wet when you touched her? It is assault. You have a right to be upset and angry.

    I’ve been there. Had women I was dating think erection and an existing exclusive sexual relationship was enough consent to “climb on me” while I was asleep. I’m a heavy sleeper. I woke up to one GF riding me, and after she finished I told her that I didn’t consent to it, but didn’t stop her. The “but you got hard” was her defense. We broke up. A second woman did that to me, but I threw her off of me. She got upset with me, then I had to explain I didn’t consent just because I was erect in my sleep. She was confused, and then when I asked her how she’d felt if I did that to her in her sleep she cried, apologized, and said she’d never do it again. We eventually split up. Then…my second wife tried to “mess” with me in my sleep to wake me up for a little middle of the night fun…and I slapped the Bajeezus out of her hand in my sleep that made her holler, waking me up. I realized what I’d done, and then I told her about what the other women did to me. She cried, apologized, and said she just wanted to wake me up sweetly and didn’t mean for it to be not consensual. We were both upset that she triggered me being previously assaulted, and she understood that boundary and I just told her I want to be conscious for any loving attention we share together. That was years and years ago and we’re still happily married and VERY “active”.

    I know you should be able to feel safe with someone you’re in an exclusive relationship with while being intoxicated, but I’m just going to advise you to cut back on your drinking. I’m still going to say that even though it isn’t right, many women mistake erections for consent with men and have it in their mind that men are always willing and cannot be assault victims…far from the truth.

  20. Just because a man is easy to excite with a few hand rubs doesn’t mean he consents to sex. Being to drunk to remember means you were way to drunk to say “I’m not ready for this”. This whole thing comes out as sexual assault and rape unless she can prove you knowingly and prior to being inebriated agreed to have sex (before more than the first sip was past your lips) then she raped you even if you were pushing back.

    I would tell her since you don’t remember it happening and you can’t really prove it happened you won’t try and charge her with sexual assault but you also can’t be with someone who would do something like that to you. If she lied to see if you would start to have sex because “you did when you were drunk” you should still drop her as again “you also can’t be with someone who would do something like that to you” (lie about the act).

    You should try to find a partner who is not only willing to accept the “No Nookie until I am ready” rule but welcomes it and supports it… say any person who wants to save themselves for marriage or someone waiting for that special time between 2 people.

  21. Your girlfriend raped you and I’m so sorry. She knew your trauma and made a concise choice to overstep herself. That’s not love, love is a choice and respect is a huge part of that. Please get a counselor or psychologist to talk to. You can’t go through this alone. If you live in the US and don’t want to prosecute her, then go to your school’s Title IX office. Bring an advisor and tell them you don’t want to be in contact with her or be in the same class. I’d hire a lawyer if they fail to help you. Remember that you are a survivor and you’ll get through this no matter what other people say.

  22. I did have to check back to see if she was drunk and I see she was not, meaning she was fully aware of everything that was going on while you were not. I’ve been the sober one while my partner got blind drunk once, just helped him get to bed and bought him water, thats what you should do, not take advantage of the situation. So if she did do it thats messed up, if she didn’t but just pretended to to see if you would ‘do it again’ thats also messed up. She didn’t respect you and you are making the right call to not see her again. If she can’t respect you in the first 4 months together then she won’t respect you 4 years down the line.

  23. I’m so sorry, honey. Your GF raped you, and you have every right to feel betrayed. It isn’t your fault. You have the right to wait as long as you need to, and the person who stays with you should have respected that.

    Think about it. She could have said, “Waiting to be intimate doesn’t work for me, let’s break up/see other people/etc.”, but *this* is what she did instead. She had a choice, and she chose to violate and betray you.

    This isn’t girlfriend material, or even Decent Human Being material.

    If you have to speak to her at all, keep it short and do it in a public place: “I don’t trust you anymore, we’re done.”

    Please seek out counseling if you can. Do whatever you need to do to feel safe.

    Again, I’m so sorry.

  24. Honey, she probably *raped* you. Whether she lied about it or not, you are in no way overreacting. This behavior is NOT normal from someone who is supposed to respect and love you.

    She did something to you without your consent, and rape is a very, very serious and traumatic CRIME…
    I would not only go no contact with her, I would also report her to the police.

  25. Absolutely not overreacting, she completely abused you!

    I have had a lot of councilling myself due to various reasons. A counsellor told me that just because the human body responds in a natural way does not mean that we like/enjoy or want it.

    This is absolutely rape, female rapists do not get reported enough. I hope the op is okay and well supported

  26. This is sexual assault at worst, and sexual coercion/manipulation at best. Even if she were to be lying about what happened when you were drunk, she would still be manipulating you to convince you to have sex with her. Block her and go no contact. She absolutely does NOT deserve your attention and she has committed a crime. Unfortunately I can’t promise officials would believe you if you were to report her, but I do recommend seeking therapy. You are allowed to set boundaries and they should be respected.

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