Sunday, March 26, 2023
HomeRelationship AdviceGirlfriend (28) washed my (28m) cast iron skillet

Girlfriend (28) washed my (28m) cast iron skillet

Honestly Im not really mad about the skillet, Im just mad she deliberately didn’t listen to me.

I (28)m live with my girlfriend (28)f and for some reason she always thinks she knows best even when she doesnt, even for stupid shit. I could be an expert in the subject and she would still think she knows better than me. Anyways- Last night I made dinner in the cast iron and typically whoever cooks doesnt need to clean up, so I told her that when she is done putting away leftovers to come get me from upstairs so I can clean the skillet since she doesnt care to learn how to properly care for one, I handle the cast iron every time. I come downstairs two hours later to see that she cleaned up, even the skillet, and she washed the skillet with water. For those of you who dont know, you arent really supposed to wash cast iron unless you HAVE to. I was livid, not because she used water, but because she didnt listen to me, and she KNOWS not to wash the cast iron. The skillet now has a big rough spot in the middle because the water took off the seasoning.

I didnt blow up at her, but she knew I was mad. All I said was “I cant believe you washed this when you know not to, and I literally just told you to come get me to do it, I can not believe you did this” then I went upstairs to prevent myself from getting even more mad at her. I am seriously debating moving out over this. If she doesnt listen to me for the most basic things, how can I trust her later in life when it comes to my health, my childrens health, etc… I am just tired of being frustrated. Anyways, thanks for reading my rant.

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  1. Sounds like you are actually already one foot out the door and anything that happens, for example this or anything else that will annoy you, will have you “moving out over this”.

  2. I completely understand you being mad at her for not listening. That’s so damned annoying! But you don’t have to worry about getting your cast iron wet. If just water takes off the seasoning, it wasn’t properly seasoned in the first place. No soap and definitely no scrubbing/abrasives, but water’s just fine. Just put a light coat of oil on the pan after you dry it off before you put it away.

  3. When you cool off, sit down with her and calmly tell her that you feel unheard and want to know why she ignored your request. See if she is remorseful. If she is, ask her how you both can work on that not happening again and how you can feel more heard in the relationship.

    If she is being difficult, explain that you are scared for the relationship and you need to feel heard to feel safe and have trust.

    If she still doesn’t agree, then you might be better of breaking up. Why move out only?

  4. I would end it. Obviously this isn’t just a skillet issue, it’s much bigger. No point in staying with a person that frustrates you. I can’t imagine being this stupid or doing this to my partner’s personal stuff, despite knowing exactly what I am not supposed to do.

  5. This might seem like a small problem, but really it isn’t. It just shows itself in “small ways.” This is an issue of her not respecting you, not caring enough to listen, and having some kind of complex where she always thinks she knows better.

    What happens is resentment will build up – you feel unheard, disrespected, not cared about, insulted, and invalidated constantly – of course resentment will build up. Eventually a relationship ends over issues like this, purely due to that build-up. At some point you finally decide enough is enough.

    You’re right to think about how this will impact you in the future, because it will. Someone who does this will never be able to hold a healthy relationship. It’s something that needs to be fixed, but that she’s obviously refusing to fix, and it’s not your job to wait around for someone to change their unhealthy behaviors when they don’t even want to and don’t even see a problem.

    It’s admirable that you held yourself together and didn’t get angry at her after dealing with this for so long. It shows that your maturity greatly exceeds hers, and so, you aren’t a match.

    Get your things in order and go, if she wants to change after you’ve moved out, it’s her loss. If you really want to give her a shot, move out but maintain the relationship under the condition she goes to therapy/you both go to couples counselling – either way you need to get out of your living situation with her. It will show you’re serious and not fucking around.

  6. Bro, you need to wash your skillet. You just dry it right away and warm it on the stove and give it a little oil (the warming is to make sure it is fully dry. But you can use soap and water. It’s cast iron; it’s supposed to be tough. Wash it every time (although sometimes you can get away with a good wipe) – the season comes from oil, not old nasty food.

    So it’s ironic that you are saying she always thinks she knows best and then the subject you bring up is something that you’re kind of wrong on.

    Maybe you both do this kind of thing to each other – talk down to each other? I mean, telling her “you’re not smart enough to wash a skillet” isn’t great either.

    It also sounds that she does this with other things. Have you discussed this with her? Not in a “I’m so angry I have to go upstairs way” but in a nonjudgmental “let’s talk about ways to improve our communication” sort of way?

  7. It’s not just about the skillet…

    It’s the fact that she constantly dismisses you, disrespect you, your property, and actively takes actions that are belligerent.

    A lot of the time we see this behavior from men, but women are just as capable of being abusive like this too.

    I’d say move out.she isn’t a partner who respects you, and the micro resentments have already built up.

    The only time therapy works, is when the person wants to change thier behavior. I doubt she sees what she’s doing as abuse, but rather just her self expression of free will. She’ll probably play victim.

  8. water isn’t going to hurt it, soap is the problem and not even anymore it was only an issue when soap contained lye but people still prefer not to use it. its not properly seasoned and needs to be re-seasoned its not *that* big of a deal, you most definitely have other issues in the relationship beyond this

  9. Sounds like she was probably trying to do a nice thing. I’d probably be curious initially, but when you’ve calmed down, talk to her and see why she did it. If she was trying to help then it was an innocent mistake, in which case are you going to end your relationship because your partner tried to help ‘in the wrong way’? But be honest with yourself. If you’re going to hold it against her then leave

  10. Looking at your previous posts, she sounds pathologically uncompromising. Like she’ll get it in her head something feels wrong or right then completely shut out all sensible approaches to the issue and just do whatever she feels like doing, often to the detriment of others.

    The comments about cast iron management are missing the point. It doesn’t matter what the proper way to clean it was because she doesn’t care and that wasn’t her mindset when she washed it. She deliberately ignored you on something important to you which you asked her directly about. She has zero respect for you.

  11. When I read this my first thought was “you sound like me”. I’ve felt the same way about my as of a week ago ex girlfriend. She never listened to me no matter how many times I told her i could do something on my own or how I wanted something to be done for me (I never made her do anything for me). Then when I would get frustrated because she wasn’t listening she would get mad at me for getting frustrated at her. She broke up with me to focus on herself and because she was tired of arguments. I had the same thoughts as you that if she couldn’t listen to me or remember certain things how could I trust her with my health, to take care of kids, etc. I’ve even explained to her that I just want her to listen and when she doesn’t I get frustrated. I tried going to therapy with her to work things out when she told me she wanted to break up. We went to one therapy session and she gave up on me. I gathered that the therapist didn’t tell her what she wanted to hear. We were together for 9 years.

  12. Dude – cast iron is tough as nails. I use soap and water after most cooks.

    Go to r/CastIron to help you get rid of these myths about cast iron care. No dishwasher, no standing water – hand washing in the sink is perfectly ok. Even with soap, and a scrub brush.

    If I cook something that’s not super greasy like eggs or potatoes, I’ll just clean up with salt, water rinse, heat to dry, then apply a thin coat of oil and wipe it off.

    If I cook something really greasy, I use Dawn and my nylon scrub brush. Then heat to dry, oil.

  13. Sounds like you’re mad about something else. Water is fine on cast iron/ not soap so she didn’t damage it at all. Communication is key. You shouldn’t have to “not get mad” and run to bed.

  14. Huh? Alton Brown uses soap. I use a hot water sprayer after right after I cook and a chainmail scrubber to get bits off. Just oil it and shut up. Not worth the argument. Not relationship advice worthy either.

  15. You are definitely meant to wash cast iron, people only think you’re not because they misinterpret the word “season.” You need to apoligize to her, say you were wrong, and thank her for washing your cast iron pan.

  16. Been cooking with cast iron pans exclusively for 20 years. I cook twice a day you can absolutely use water to clean them. Every thing else is old wives tales. Just don’t use more than the tiniest bit of soap or they will stick the next day.

  17. Maybe she washed it with the intention of taking the load off of you? She literally could have just tried to do something nice for you. Take a chill pill dude. I get why youre mad but come on be rational here. Communication is everything. Talk to her calmly and explain your views, so you can both set expectations of each other.

  18. Honestly it sounds like you guys aren’t a very good fit. This is a stupid thing to get mad about, but it’s an even stupider thing to blatantly disregard your partner’s request about. Kinda feels like you guys are at the beginning of the end of the relationship where you start to take out petty revenge on each other for unresolved differences. Maybe it’s worth a conversation. “If we can’t see eye to eye on a skillet, I don’t know if we will be able to see eye to eye on bigger things later.”

  19. Lol. I had the exact same fight with my husband when we were your guys’ age. I put his pan in the DISHWASHER. . . Boy we had an big fight about that one. Days of mini explosions and not speaking. Took us a long time to realize it wasn’t about a pan.

    Just like seasoning cast iron, you gotta learn how to fight well. It’s a skill. Conflict can actually be good for your relationship-if you do it right. Listen to your anger. What made you mad? Being ignored? Why did that bother you? What insecurity did it trigger for you? How are you pushing her buttons? Unpack why you’re hurting eachother and discuss that. You can help eachother heal if you keep at it.

    Sure, you can walk away, but your gonna have the exact same issues, but the only difference is gonna be the girl’s face. Hang in there with this. It’s not easy, but it’s worth it.

  20. This was the wrong hill to die on. At least you didn’t have to ckean up and do the dishes yourself.

    When you’re in a relationship, at a certain point you need to get used to having to repeat yourself multiple times. Once you have kids you’ll understand what I’m talking about.

    Don’t get mad that you weren’t heard the first time. Communicat more oxten and more clearly next time. Whatever it takes until the information finally sinks in.

    Get some coarse stainless steel wool or a coarse scotch-brite. Get some hemp seed oil, chia seed oil, flaxseed or walnut oil. If you own a couple cast iron pieces you want to keep a small bottle of said types of oil on hand as a maintenance item. Generally you want to recoat on a yearly basis.

    Buff off the surface rust. Give another coat of oil. It’s actually OK if a small amount of the leftover rust gets mixed in with the oil coating as this helps the oil to cure. Stick in the oven for an hour or two.

    If you accidentally machine wash your CI pans, just buff off the rust and add another seasoning coat of oil. Easy peasy.

  21. Ask yourself if you are compatible. Seriously. Not listening and thinking she knows better than you are dealbreakers. Washing the cast iron when you requested she call you. Dealbreaker. Why settle for someone who does this? Life’s to short

  22. First things first, how many times has this happened also seems like you already had enough, like in therapy you cant change a person who doesnt want to change. Start making your plans to move out and dont let her trick you into staying.

  23. it’s so weird that people are focusing on a skillet here and missing a point.

    this isn’t good. If I had a bf I just couldn’t imagine to be the one who pretend to always know better no matter what, I’m supposed to be a partner, I want to learn from the other person and help as much as I can but never pretend I’m better. I often even admit I’m wrong because that helps me grow and learn from others, it’s great! Teamwork is the key. Also behaviour like this (your gf’s behaviour) would make me feel inferior, not respected, misunderstood, worse. I think it will get worse with your gf over time, saw your post history, she has unwillingness to change no matter what.

    Also holy hell she’s the type of person we even avoid hiring at work, no matter how good that person is. Even working with someone like this is hell, let alone being with that person! Worked with someone like this for months and that was the worst few months of my life.

    Also my friend told me he had an ex that was just like that, never listened for his advices even tho he was way more experienced in everything and well. he summed up that relationship as “miserable”. Why people are doing this to themselves and getting into relationships like this?!

    I would never ever want to be with someone like this, so my advice- it’s better to end it. Yeah, I know, this sub loves to say to “end relationship” even if the situation isn’t that bad, but honestly this kind of behaviour is really triggering for me, being a person who wants to synergize with others. You guys are supposed to care about each other and support each other!

  24. “she knows best even when she doesn’t”.

    The lack of self awareness would be a deal breaker. People that “know better” are annoying and frustrating because they have a lack of being able to listen and absorb anything. You can see it as a narcissist trait which goes along with being very insecure. Doesn’t really matter, she has shown you that she doesn’t care about what you ask her to do, doesn’t care to listen and care about what you care about.

    It isn’t about the skillet. But you know that already. You cannot trust her because she doesn’t listen or care enough to learn and that is the death of any relationship

  25. Her big flaw is dismissing your knowledge? But I have to wonder, if this is the case, what are the attributes that made you want to live with her? It’s rare when one personality trait is so overwhelming that you break up because of it, although I agree, this one is a doozy. You may want to ask her why she is so insistent on being right even when she is so clearly wrong. If she denies it, then bail and get out of it. She has no interest in self analyzing and probably wouldn’t like what she would find if she did. But, if she thinks about it and is at least somewhat open to discussing, then maybe it’s salvageable.

  26. I would just get over it, it’s just a skillet. Now, if you actually have personality differences and this is an excuse to rage out over them, maybe take some time to think deeply. Don’t use the skillet as a cornerstone for argument. Think objectively.

  27. Is there any other examples of her not listening to you? Don’t make the same mistake as me. I been tolerating my guy doing the same BS with me, Now almost 6 years in and I’m ready to leave. I’m totally shutdown in this relationship. I do love him and I know he loves me, but I don’t feel respected by him.

  28. There are online resources to help you reseason cast iron. It’s not difficult but it takes time. Cooking with them won’t help. You can easily regain that glossy stick free surface. I’ve rescued pans from heavy rust and damage, and even the indignity of dish soap!! Please go online and check out some sources. Those pans can last generations.

  29. So did she wash the skillet just to spite you or does she not believe you or what? cause a quick google search would have proved her wrong and you correct.

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