I need advice to understand and how I should take this situation, but I’m currently in a serious relationship with a 28F for over a month and been dating since May. When she is around me, she acts very well mannered, innocent and respectful. Well last night I got a bit of a shock when she had her friends down for a gathering for her birthday and it was the first time she drank around me since I’ve know her. Her friends pretty much influenced her to drink last night, since she doesn’t drink anymore and I saw a side of her that I’m not used to or know. Here are the things that really bugged me and we ended up having a argument when her friends left and I left aswell:
1. Her friends were telling me that she gets wild when she drinks. Her friends that were a couple were sharing a few stories about her when she drinks and the wild things she does. This made me feel uncomfortable because it showed me she looses control when she drinks, especially if she were to drink when I’m away at work.
2. We were playing a drinking game and she brought up a sexual experience (anal), when another person asked another girl about this during the game and gloated how she has done it to her friends and then proceeded to try to get more information about the other girls who have done it. Her friends even didn’t respond and didn’t wanna go into detail. We haven’t gone through this experience so I was pretty hurt and felt it was very inconsiderate to be boasting about past sexual experiences when your infront of our partner.
3. Her friends were bringing up how they wanted to go do wild things, which my girlfriend and I already went over in private about our personal boundaries that we both believe is respectable and allowed in the relationship.
I guess last night was a shock for me to hear/see this side of her. I understand those are her best friends, but if I were to bring my girlfriend around my friends, and they brought up innappropriate or if conversations that we go into a direction that would disrespect partner, I would immediately shut it down or not talk about it. I guess I’m really confused that this innocent and sweet person when she is around me, has a different side when she is with her friends. Also if these friends get her to drink and she can’t control herself on alcohol, it makes me worried, since she says that she sometimes likes going out dancing with her friends at a club.
After her friends left, I left because I was pretty upset how I saw this side of her and then came back to try to talk to her. She was super defensive and dismissive how these things made me feel uncomfortable and she pretty much told me to go find someone else and left. She may have still been drunk but yea I’m not sure what to do.
EDIT: So to everyone in this post, I can see how the anger I had in this post has upset, made me incredibly judged and also offended people. I should have given more context to the story, but we both bring our own unique problems to the table and from day one they have been discussed and openly talked about. I was incredibly upset last night and combining with hardly drinking alcohol myself too, I got really upset because I felt as though a lot of the deep conversations that we had about each other, about what we want in life, who we are/were as people, and alot of the conversations that I cherished get a complete 180 when she was drinking with her friends. I personally am trying to be the best person I can be and I really want to be the best/do anything for her. I personally have my problems to work through and I can obviously see that! Also about the innocent remark, I understand everyone has a past and we have gone into detail about our pasts, the person who she is today, I feel like is an incredibly kind, loving, to herself and grounded woman. So when her friends were bringing up and how she was behaving around her friends, made me feel very confused, hurt and it was upsetting to me.
What “wild things” were the friends talking about wanting to do that “you and her” had already decided on in private?
OP she told you to move on. You should do so.
How old are you? She’s 28. It’s kinda weird to view your 28 year old gf as “innocent.” You seem shocked to think she had any sort of a life before you. She’s a full grown woman. Of course she has friends she gets a little wild with. You probably only think she’s sweet and innocent because you’ve only known her a few months, and during the first few months of dating, it’s normal for a person to try to be on their best behavior. Now that she’s dropped her guard a little bit and let loose, you’re seeing more of who she really is. It sounds like she already broke up with you, but it doesn’t seem like this relationship is for you.
She broke up with you. Move on.
So, you seem ultra conservative, which is fine, some people don’t need much.
The problem is, this relationship is gonna crash and burn if you want a demure housewife that doesn’t cut loose unless it’s your version of cutting loose.
Out of your three reasons 1, was just.. not a good look for you. 2 was valid, that can be uncomfortable for people who don’t like talking private with other people. 3 could go either way depending on the activities.
I saw in another of your comments that they wanna go do normal things for people and it made you uncomfortable, and your feelings are valid, but saying someone “loses control” when they drink, when they’re just having a good time is a little.. insecure.
If I’m being honest, I don’t see this relationship working out, you’ll be paranoid any time she’s not withing 50 ft and she’ll eventually resent you.
I’d say move on and find someone that fits your lifestyle more.
That’s not your girl anymore. She broke up with you when she said “go find someone else”, didn’t apologize, and continued to ignore you today
& has she contacted you about this situation today?
Time to move on mate…for your next relationship just take it easy, go with the flow. Never tell someone what they can and can’t do after dating for a month…that would probably annoy most people in general.
I agree it’s not appropriate to talk about past sexual experiences especially infront of you and especially when you are uncomfortable with it but everything else is not something you have control over. This is her life. Your boundaries are valid but you have literally known her for less than half a year. You don’t really know her. Now you’re getting to know little bits and pieces of her that you don’t like. That’s the point of dating, finding out what you like. It all depends if this is a deal breaker or not for you. No offense but calling it a ‘serious relationship’ after like 3-4 months is a little much. I’ve been dating my bf for over 2 years and only started saying stuff like that after 6 months
First, you’ve only been dating a month and you’re acting this way.
>When she is around me, she acts very well mannered, innocent and respectful.
This stuck out to me. That fact that you described her this way says a lot about your expectations of women. She is a 28 year old WOMAN. Innocent is not a normal way to view a 28 year old. Was she supposed to save herself for you.
Next, her wild days are in the past and having one night with friends is hardly a problem.
>especially if she were to drink when I’m away at work.
She had fun with friends and you immediately make it about you and your insecurity.
>. We haven’t gone through this experience so I was pretty hurt and felt it was very inconsiderate to be boasting about past sexual experiences when your infront of our partner.
Another insecure statement. Again did you expect her to be “innocent” at 28? You are upset she hasn’t done it with you, get a grip. I will make the concession that she could have left it unsaid if you’re not comfortable with knowing her past.
>. Her friends were bringing up how they wanted to go do wild things, which my girlfriend and I already went over in private about our personal boundaries that we both believe is respectable and allowed in the relationship.
You’re upset that she didn’t censor her FRIENDS conversation just because you have agreed not to include those activities in your relationship? I mean really?
>pretty much told me to go find someone else and left.
You should, you clearly want someone you can control. You have a narrow minded view point and you and your girlfriend are not compatible. She does not deserve to have her past used against her and a relationship where you control her personality and behavior to mold her into your little box of a “respectable” woman.
The number of people who thinks bragging about sex with your ex infront of your partner while they are meeting your friends for the first time astounds me.
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I know this a bit cliche but I feel like if this was a story about a guy bringing his new gf to meet his mates and bragging about his sexual exploits with past partners the OP wouldn’t be copping the same attitude in the comments.
Look. 1 and 3 are neither here nor there. She’s not responsible as to how her friends act.
But number 2? My gf boasting about her anal sex escapades in front of me when we haven’t done that together? Disrespectful.
It’s something I’d definitely speak to her about when we’ve both calmed down and sobered up.
And if she doesn’t contact you in a few days then don’t go chasing her. Walk away and find someone who is prepared to treat you with respect.
I wouldn’t date someone who brings up how great the anal was with her ex boyfriend at a party in front of me. That’s just … weird. And I wouldn’t trust someone like that – she’s likely the type to completely forget she’s in a relationship when she’s out with her friends. Aim higher.
I’m just here to shame all of the commenters.
I’ve seen some hypocrisy on both sides of this:
“Aye bro that’s just how she really is bro so many red flags, you should definitely leave her if that’s how she truly is. You dodged a bullet!”
Full stop. I hope you don’t get judged this way as a whole person for what you do when you go out and cut loose or have a house party. Y’all act like you *never* try to be a little wild and have fun. Plus, a 20something year old woman shouldn’t be expected to act like a 50 something year old woman. Life slows down the older you get but can we let people be young for a little while? Shit.
“Wow OP you are so controlling. She’s a grown woman and describing her as innocent makes you a horrible person. She can do whatever she wants you controlling jerk! I’m glad she dumped you lawl!!11”
Right. So y’all would have that same opinion if the girlfriend was posting about how he was bragging about doing anal with his ex in front of her and his guy friends? Nah. Y’all are just those basic double standard redditors who make every fucking excuse for a woman acting shitty, but if a man does one cross thing he deserved to be hung.
Here’s some real truth shit:
OP, it’s clear that you care about this woman but perhaps you had some unrealistic expectations going into this relationship. She may very well be a more “innocent” type of person but does that mean she never parties it up a little? Certainly not. You just said you were drunk too. So apparently you don’t have too much of a problem with partying. Also, I think it was wrong for her to bring up her sexual past like that in front of you: she made a mistake there. She might not have thought of it as big of a deal as you did: so it’s on you to communicate to her if you have some types of additional expectations on behavior within the relationship. After you express that it’s her decision on whether or not she is on board with those expectations. You cornering her while you’re both potentially still intoxicated is *not* the way to go. I would leave her alone for a few days and then maybe try to call her. If she ignores your call or tells you to leave her alone then you have your answer.
And lastly my pro-tip for communication in any situation in life is this: if someone is getting really defensive then you need to change the way you’re talking to them. You will gain much more by getting on their side and trying to fix whatever problem you have without making them feel attacked. It’s not me vs. you. It’s me and you vs the problem.
I’m quite surprised how many people jumped to weird conclusions. All of this just seems like a big mess.
To all of others who are calling OP immature or insecure, it’s definitely not the case here. OP clearly stated they’ve talked many times before about who they are inside so we can most likely assume he had her picture painted in his head. Which is why it was shocking to him to see her completely different than what he thought of her. I wouldn’t blame OP for trusting her and believing in her words only to find out she isn’t who she said she is. Seems like OP is a little naive for believing such stories from her of being innocent while his gf is a little on the lying side, projecting her image as someone who is more preserved.
Either way, this is a no-brainer, you two shouldn’t date as you seem incompatible.
You barely knowing this person and have only been in a relationship for a month. Most people put on a mask for the first year or so of their relationship to get a better feeling of where the other persons boundaries are.
That way they know what actions are appropriate and inappropriate and how to behave accordingly. Only after you both get comfortable do you take the mask off and start revealing your true self.
Of course you’re going to be finding things out about your partner that you’re uncomfortable and put off by, it’s a brand new relationship with someone who is practically a stranger.
My advice is that if you don’t like what you see then find a new partner instead of wasting your time.
It is important to have boundaries. If what you want in a relationship, and what she wants to do with her friends don’t align then she needs to make a choice.
She either wants a serious, monogamous relationship or she wants to go out and do all the things her friends want. If that choice isn’t you, time to move on and find someone who will respect who you are and your boundaries.
Different people want different things, forcing her to be someone she isn’t will never end well.
I’m not sure why so many people feel the need to berate for how you felt about this situation because you sound like you’re being thoughtful about it and you didn’t react very poorly at all. It’s definitely okay to not want a gf who is a partier or has a dicey relationship with alcohol or brags to large groups about the great anal she had with another dude. That criteria isn’t ridiculous at all. No judgement on your girl at all, either, she sounds kinda messy but also pretty fun and some people would have no problem with her doing the things that bugged you…you just do. You’re not a jerk or something, it may just be that you two are incompatible.
I’ll say this…from my perspective you sound like a *little* bit of a prude and a bit judgmental ..maybe you could do with some loosening up. Open your mind a bit about these things that make you uncomfortable if you can. That’s just my opinion, though. Be who you are, man, and don’t let these folks make you feel bad for how this situation made you feel because your feelings are valid. Good luck, friend.
Info: you mention she’s 28. Are you the same age?
It was indeed very blunt and borderline disrespectful to talk about this in details in front of you, her new boyfriend of 1 month. If you reversed the roles, I’m pretty sure that boasting around about your past wild experiences with your guy friends while she’s right there sitting in front of you would’ve made her very uncomfortable. Then, she dismissed your feelings and told you to fuck off. It would be a first red flag for me.
You are being wary and I think it’s a normal reaction once confronted to a new facet of someone that makes you feel insecure in your relationship. This kind of inconsideration is a no-no for me, especially when I would never put my partner in the same situation.
That being said, you seems to be aware that everyone has their past and you accepted her’s, right? I think the problem here is that you might’ve realised that this past might not be so far. You said you met her only a couple of months ago, the only thing you know about this girl so far is probably what she reflects to you for the moment when you are together. You have to realise that you don’t know her that much at all and you might come to the conclusion that she is different than what think you perceive. If she said it’s all behind her, it’s ok to trust her at the beginning but be aware that actions speaks louder than words.
Another point is you should be very careful with putting any of your romantic partners on a pedestal. Men do that a lot, I used to do it and it only brings frustrations and sorrow. She is not an innocent, sweet angelic women like it seems you describe her. If you keep her in this high standards constantly, you will put pressure on her, she will feel it and the relationship can only fuckup while you will feel like you’ve been deceived.
She is a human being like you and me, she is capable of anything just like everyone. The way you phrase things about her makes me think you are not totally grounded on your perceptions of her. Example, I don’t think her friends influenced her to drink, she is capable of owning her decisions and I’m pretty sure she was looking forward to it. Do not project your own feelings on her. I’ve done that too by the past and it will only hurt everyone. Do not idealise your partner. If her past is too much for you, it’s ok to leave too, just do it correctly.
It’s probably an unpopular opinion but as a guy who’ve been in several serious relationships and who commited too quick and hard, I think it is okay to be on your guards a little and be sure that this person is truly someone compatible with your values and what you truly want.
Good luck mate.
It’s not uncommon for women to amplify certain aspects of their personality/behavior depending on what social group they’re in. I really dislike the classification of “true” and “untrue” self. It’s simply about wanting to fit in and say/do things you think other people want.
However, maturity is a process through which you learn not to constantly be performing, and start to go more honestly with your values.
I think you were just confronted with a very immature side of your girlfriend.
Get a grip man. She’s a whole other person before she met you. This includes sexual experiences you seem pretty immature and insecure don’t take it out on her.
These comments are actually pretty sad. Everyone is just bashing op, showing almost zero sympathy and is just like “deserved”. I don’t get it…
i think a lot of people are jumping down OPs throat when he is entitled to boundaries in his relationship as well, and he may have had some toxic parental programming – i’m guessing religion-influenced or purity-shamed or maybe in wrong. but people expect different things from relationships and OP is probably better with someone else, as is OP’s girlfriend. OP has childlike intentions- those aren’t malice even tho they may threaten your own ideals of “freedom “. there are lot of people who don’t mind following boundaries.
Sounds like you weren’t seeing the true person, either because she was hiding it or because you convinced yourself she was something she is not. From what you’ve said, I’m guessing she was putting her best foot forward and you built the pedestal for her to stand on. You were obviously not compatible. But you should be careful to see folks for who they are and not who you want them to be.
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