Friday, March 24, 2023
HomeRelationship AdviceGirlfriend getting another dog when I didn’t agree to it.

Girlfriend getting another dog when I didn’t agree to it.

For background I’m 30 my girlfriend is 38 been together for 5 years. We have a male dog that’s 4. My girlfriend was asked by a dog rescue she follows if she wanted to adopt a female (9 months it’s the same breed as the male) she asked me and I didn’t and don’t want a second dog I love my dog but don’t want The responsibility of having a second. She tells me sarcastically that she may have set a meet up with her….. I said I didn’t want a second dog. She asked if I would just please go along with this as it’s only a meet and just see how it goes I then agreed after some time. we have met the female three times with her also coming to our house. The dogs seem to get on great and I think it would be a good fit. There’s just one problem, I still really don’t want this dog. She’s great but I don’t want a second I like how things are now and it hasn’t changed my mind meeting her. Me and my girlfriend have had a talk after the third meet and I told her I still don’t want her. Well she’s told me today. “ I’ve told them we will have her. I know your going to hate me and be mad, but I’m going to be more mad and upset at myself seeing them post on there page non stop that she’s looking for a home still knowing full well that I could have gave her one.

So sorry if your going to hate me but I couldn’t say no.”

I’m unsure how to handle this with being in the middle of it. I’m interested to hear peoples opinions on what they would do, is this a deal breaker to you ? Any advice would be appreciated. I feel she’s thinking with her heart and I’m thinking with my head.


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  1. Pets, children’s names, guests are a two yes’s or else it is a hard no conversation/decision.

    You said no and she isn’t respecting your choices in your own home. So yes it is a dealbreaker.

    However you should have stopped this before meeting the dog because you gave her false hope, so I would work on your “no” game and boundaries.

  2. > I’ve told them we will have her. I know your going to hate me and be mad, but I’m going to be more mad and upset at myself seeing them post on there page non stop that she’s looking for a home still knowing full well that I could have gave her one.

    It’s her way or the highway. She was set to get the second dog from the first time you talked about it….she tried manipulating you into wanting the dog too, when it didn’t work, she simply told you what the situation’s like now.

    > I’m interested to hear peoples opinions on what they would do, is this a deal breaker to you ?

    For most, it would be. This woman has zero respect for you as a partner.

  3. If my husband did this without agreement it would be a big problem. It’s not just the underhanded high handed way she manipulated it but that you have now been given no choice in the high cost and responsibility you said no too. Is she going to pay for vet/insurance/food etc outside of joint household costs and is she going to do all the walking/vet visits/ maintenance of dog on her own whilst sharing the responsibility of your other dog. Then there’s the whole taking away your voice in the relationship. What would she do if you contacted them without asking her and cancelled having her……

  4. This reveals a couple things:

    1) She does not value your communications

    2) She does not respect your boundaries

    3) She does not care about your feelings or emotions

    4) She will ignore you to do things her way

    5) She matters more than you

    My advice is work on an exit plan. She will continue to just do whatever she wants with no regard for you or your feelings. You deserve a better partner, please don’t degrade yourself like this OP

  5. My ex-wife brought home a puppy when we were married without talking to me. We already had a dog, and she knew that I did not want another one. She already introduced the puppy to our 8 and 10 years old by the time that I got home from work. I had the option of being the bad guy and getting rid of the puppy or to suck it up so my family did not hate me. I chose to suck it up. The resentment that built was the beginning of the marriage going down hill. We have now been divorced for 12 years.

  6. While the advice here (of dog vs you) is reasonable, avoid using an ultimatum as that shows you’ve already chosen to end the relationship regardless of if there’s hope.

    “Yes you could say ‘no’ and it’s shows what you do and don’t value”

    Have the conversation about returning the dog, how having gotten the dog without your consent is a violation, and assert your boundaries. Then wait for her decision. If she keeps it, it’s on you to enforce your boundaries by walking away. Or you could let her have her way and set up this pattern (she does what she wants regardless and you living with the consequences) for all future conflicts. Your choice.

    Good luck.

  7. Have a serious talk with her and tell her to take the dog back or to rehome it because you don’t want a dog and she went and got one anyways. Her making you go to the meet was her manipulating you thinking you’d change you mind once you meet it and it didn’t work. Stand your ground. And if she gets mad and upset-boohoo life isn’t fair. If she did this who knows what she’ll try to do and manipulate you with later on.

    Stand your ground OP and tell her to take the dog back or to rehome it.

  8. Curious, who purchased the 4-year old pup?

    You say that you don’t want your current situation to change, but it’s about to, regardless if you want it to or not. You just have to decide which way you want to go moving forward, but the way you lived in the past is now gone.

  9. It is clear now why she wanted to date someone 8 years younger than her.

    So she could steamroll over every decision and make you submit to whatever she wants.

  10. After reading your post it is very clear that your SO had already made up her mind in regards to the dog. Perhaps she was taking you to the meet and greets to possibly sway your mind.In my opinion from what is posted here, your SO doesn’t care about your input when it comes to decision making.

    Sure it probably wasn’t a good idea to go to a meet and greet with her for this dog. However you did express to her that you didn’t want another responsibility at this time. By her straight up saying “She knew you would be mad” she clearly cares more for her wants as an individual over the wants of the relationship.

    Relationships are teamwork, there isn’t room for one sided decision making. If the relationship stays this way it will continue to snowball. This week the decision is in regards to a dog. What will next week…. month… year hold? Will one day she decide she wants a baby? How would you stand against that?

    Again there **MUST** be healthy communication between two individuals. Without this, the relationship is sure to fail and or struggle if the two people stay together.

    Have a sit down together and express to her as to why you currently do not want the additional responsibility. If she goes against what you have said, then it’s up to you where to go from there. The two of you should be a united front and be taking on decisions together. It’s hard to move forward when two people are going opposite directions.

  11. Be an adult, call the rescue group now, today, and tell them that you, personally, do not want the dog in your home. That should put a stop to this nonsense.

    Dogs are pack animals. IMO it’s emotional abusive to the dog to place it into a home where it’s not wanted. Your ex-gf can adopt the dog as soon as you guys split up. Or, you stay together and someone else will take the dog.

    I’m a dog rescue person. Long time continuous dog foster home, dogs on my couch, dogs sleep with me, got my feet propped up on one right now, you get the picture.

    I would never agree to place a foster dog in a home where one of the adults in the family is indifferent, much less where one actively does NOT want the dog. WTF?

    OP, dogs can’t get on Reddit and read your post, but you can’t hide anything emotional, especially that relates to interpersonal dynamics, from a dog. I think about half the dog brain is dedicated to pack/family details (other half is obviously nose/food!).

    Do you really want to adopt a dog only to actively cause misery with your (understandable) vibes of anger and resentment?

    There’s anthropologists out there that believe that humans learned to live in groups around about when we as a species started living symbiotically with dogs, and arguably *because* they showed us how.

    Do not import this hapless young dog to be a pawn in your power games. Deal with your shit like an adult. Reconcile, compromise or split. Don’t fuck up this dog’s only life.

    ETA: Team Dog all the way

  12. Is the dog a deal breaker? No

    Is her lying to you through omission and doing whatever she wants and expecting you to foot the bill and responsibility a deal breaker? Absolutely, this would be game over for me.

    I wouldnt suggest this, but I am probably evil petty. I would set up a whole fake adoption. I would tell her she was right and then convince her you had a vasectomy appointment. You plan to adopt. Maybe even set up a fake adoption. Some pictures, some papers etc. Tell her you couldn’t stand to see all those commercials about kids needing homes and not help. Before she comes to her senses I would tell her it’s just a joke, but me moving out isn’t.

  13. Did you tell her straight up “I do not want the dog” or did you skirt around it? If you made it clear then you tell her the dog is 100% her responsibility since it wasn’t a joint agreement. You will not pick up any slack and the dog is hers and only hers. You will not be joining in the care of the dog. If she expects you to then I’d say you have full right to end the relationship or live separately. Dogs are a huge responsibility and an extra cost and must be agreed upon.

  14. I’m afraid you’re getting another dog or reside in an unhappy household.
    Sounds like it’s a passion of hers so you need to decide if you are supporting it. If you have a passion for something, maybe down the road if you are into it and she says something, you can remind her that you supported the dog thing.

  15. for me, i would absolutely consider it a dealbreaker. but i would also consider having a conversation. i have been in the shoes of your gf and you. i have brought home animals that nobody else wanted besides me and i pay for EVERYTHING financially and do all of the care. i had a conversation and we agreed that I would take care of it all. I pay for food, vet, litter, toys, everything. if i don’t feed them, they don’t eat. if i don’t scoop the litter box, they’re not getting a clean bathroom. i cut their nails, do bath time. YES everyone in the house loves them, but they have 0 responsibilities. there are 4 cats in my house, i care for 3. even tho i am already feeding 3, i don’t feed the 4th because he is not my responsibility and i did not want him, but someone else in the house did and they care for him. maybe consider making a compromise with your gf before deciding it’s a dealbreaker.. best of luck

  16. If its that much of a deal breaker, you already know the answer.

    But, to play devils advocate if I may…

    Maybe your gf sees your dog as your dog and she wants to have the same bond or be one of those couples that have matching male/female dogs. Third option is she wants to breed and sell the pups, but I see this as unlikely. Just wanted to throw the notion out there.

  17. I’m the biggest dog person on the planet, but if my wife pulled this I would seriously be considering divorce. It just shows a lack of respect and shows she truly does not care about your feelings.

  18. Well she knew you would hate her, so do so. Then get yourself a girlfriend who doesn’t actively does things that she knows you will hate. She can keep the dogs, else they will likely end up back in the dog shelter.

  19. Sorry, but she flat out ignored you voice and did it anyway. How many other things has she steamrolled you on?

    Time to decide if you really want to be with someone who does these things. What’s next? a 3rd dog?

  20. Dogs this young would normally find a home pretty soon. She wanted this dog. She gave a fuck about youf opinion. She asked you although she already knew what dhe wanted to do. This dog is more important than you and that you are comfortable. Just to think you told her so often “no” and she just goes and tell them “we take the dog”. As if what you say doesn’t matter, no, what you say really didn’t matter! She want it, she get it. This is no partnership. In a partnership you must take consoderation of the other. But here it is eat or die. She makes the decision and you must accept it.

    I wouldn’t be surprised if this is just to test the waters. Next she decide to end the lease because you both need a bigger space with two dogs and the children you will get. Oh yes, she also decided it is time to get pregnant and stopoed taking the pill months ago.

    If the genders were reversed everybody would first comment the age difference. She is 8 years older. Why did she choose a partner this young? When you both get together you were 25/33… Often people pick so younger partner because they are easier to control, they are more naive and accept abuse often.

    You need to ask yourself if this was really the first time she walked over you? And she brought a responsibility for the next 15 year home, that cost time and money. Can you really live with this disrespect?

  21. Tell me the relationship is over without saying the words this relationship is over. She did. Your opinion does not matter. She was hoping to get you to change your mind but, when you didn’t, she went ahead anyway. She is calling the shots and this will not end. She just made a commitment for the next 13-17 yrs of your lives without hesitation. This is an absolute deal breaker.

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