Sunday, March 26, 2023
HomeRelationship AdviceGirlfriend preferred exes size, has shattered my confidence

Girlfriend preferred exes size, has shattered my confidence

Hey Reddit, hope you’re all doing well!
I (25M) have been with my girlfriend (21F) for coming up on two months. She is everything I’ve ever wanted in a romantic partner. We have similar interests, she is beautiful, intelligent, funny, whole thing. I don’t want to spoil all of that over my own overblown insecurity and bruised ego and just need some advice. I’ve gone through multiple threads and feel like maybe venting will help. When we first started talking before we dated, a joke I made led to size getting brought up. I kind of inadvertently asked and got the immediate response that bigger feels better but that she ultimately doesn’t care. Follows up with that her ex was considerably larger than I am and that was a key for her experiencing PIV orgasm. She has not been able to with me, but I have done my best to make up for it in other ways and she is satisfied. But still, the thought of not being able to bring something she liked that is so integral to the physical side of our relationship bothers me. I’ve brought it up to her a few times and am well aware that I shouldn’t have and that there is nothing she can say or do to fix my insecurity for me. I know this relationship is fairly new but I am at a point in my life where I have serious long term intentions and have found someone great that I want to grow with(we have been talking considerably longer than 2 months). I just don’t know how to get over feeling that I am second best at something that is so closely tied to making me feel like a man and feel good about our sex. She vehemently denies that it is an issue at all but it’s like the insecure part of my brain has walled off and doesn’t want to believe her. Thanks for listening, sorry for the whining but idk what to do. Love y’all.

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  1. Please remember this is an “Ex” you are talking about and apparently his big member wasn’t enough to make him worth keeping around. YOU are the person she has chosen to be with, worth her time, attention and body.

    Indelicately, I’ve been with multiple partners of all different sizes. I’ve always preferred someone who brought me to multiple climaxes , who took their time to satisfy me multiple ways (hot, sweaty sex for hours) than one big “wham bam, thank you Ma’am”.

    To use a a phrase from back up n the day “It’s not the pen, it’s the penmanship”. Find YOUR best penmanship for her.

  2. Please re-read what you wrote here:

    > She has not been able to [experience PIV orgasm] with me, but I have done my best to make up for it in other ways *and she is satisfied*.

    That last bit is the important bit, surely?

    Like, if you were writing the post and had to say “my gf has confessed I’m too well-endowed for PIV sex to be really enjoyable for her” I assume you can see that’s a larger (heh) problem, and probably more frustrating for both of you?

    This sounds like it’s absolutely all in your head and I realise that doesn’t strictly speaking help, but seriously:

    > She is everything I’ve ever wanted in a romantic partner…

    > We have similar interests, she is beautiful, intelligent, funny, whole thing…

    > she is satisfied…

    > I have serious long term intentions and have found someone great that I want to grow with…

    > She vehemently denies that it is an issue at all.

    Literally *all of this* is you saying “Fuck I’ve got into my own head and I’m freaking out”, it’s just (as you also say), “the insecure part of my brain has walled off and doesn’t want to believe her”. That’s how insecurities work, but it doesn’t make them *real*, it’s just your brain fucking with you. (Even the title for your post is written by that insecure bit of your brain, not by what she’s actually *said*)

    Anyway, if you’re looking at long-term connections and building a relationship that’ll go the distance you’ll probably both develop better understandings of each other’s likes and dislikes over time anyway.

    *She is satisfied*, and she is (unless this is some freaky murder-basement-kidnapping scenario which hopefully it is not) happily choosing to be with you. This is the main thing, honestly. And you know it, and your brain doesn’t want to be told, but you can prove the dumb insecure bit of your brain wrong dead easily just with time.

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  4. I think if this post was from a woman who’d been told her partner’s ex felt better bc she was tighter people would be responding a little differently.

    There are good points in some responses that your gf is satisfied, but ultimately this is impacting upon you self worth and how manly you feel. It shouldn’t, as she’s satisfied, but it is and that’s just the way it goes. Neither of you can magically undo all the social conditioning that tells us women have to be tight and men have to be huge for optimal sex.

    Would it maybe help to set some other mutual goals that neither of you have achieved with past partners to work towards together? Multiples/squirting/whatever else might be on your sexual bucket list. Shifting focus and knowing that you’re the only one who ever gave her a multiple might help break the spiral in you head that’s spoiling your present time with her.

    Over time emotional intimacy and knowing what drives the other person wild is worth far more than any given physical attribute imho. Work towards knowing how to make her melt and getting her to confide things she’s never shared with anyone with you (both sexual and otherwise). This and honest communication will set up a solid foundation that allows you to talk about these vulnerabilities without accusations or shame and reassure each other with real honesty. That’s the only thing that’ll really fix the scrape this has all caused to your self esteem. Aim to become her own personal sex god!

    Don’t aim to be the biggest, aim to be the best she’s ever had. That’s all anyone will ever really care about in the end. You’re not there yet, but being her best ever is an achievable goal if you work at it with trust, honesty and affection.

  5. Almost 40% of women do not orgasm from pIV sex alone. The point is to make the one you are with feel good and to enjoy yourself. If you are focused on that one act you arent going to be a very good partner in the end. It’s like the teen boy that constantly asks “Did you cum?” like it’s the be all end all of sex as if you can’t enjoy the experience even if you didn’t. You learn with age that the orgasm isn’t the only way to have a good time during sex.

  6. I think you should have a keen awareness of your relationship with her. Tbh it sounds like you’ve got your bases covered if you can make her cum, but make sure that you both continue to be sexually fulfilled and happy by being honest and having a good dialogue with her. Don’t forget to address your needs as well as hers.

    Our cocks are unfortunately a critical component of many a men’s ego, but you need to understand that cocks come in all shapes and sizes and you can definitely do a lot with a normal or even below average cock if you work on your motion and strokes.

    Tbh my current partner sexually satisfies me in some ways but fails to in others, and that’s ok with me because every other part of our relationship is healthy, for the most part. a reasonable human being won’t dismiss something good just because of something comparatively inconsequential as PIV cumming, when you have a healthy relationship in every other aspect AND can still make her cum.

    Also, you should feel really good about yourself because you 1) care when so many don’t and 2) can make your lady cum. Dudes like us raise the bar for men. Indeed, the bar is low but that’s because most dudes are trash.

  7. Nah man, If my gf says that she had better dicks then mine then I’ll bounce off and seek someone who thinks otherwise. Funny, some people would call that as being insecure. No buddy, insecure is when you know she has been out there and experienced something better but you STILL wanna be with her, someone secured will not look back and walk away because he knows what he wants.

    That’s like me telling my gf that I’ve experienced a tighter vagina than hers so it’s okay if she can’t make me cum easily. It sounds asinine.

  8. Its broke. Its only 2 months. Move on. No idea why somebody would say something like to you. If a guy told a woman he preferred his exs’s vagina because she was tighter…. what would happen?

  9. If she was that interested in you and cared she wouldn’t have told you. Its like mentioning to a girl that you were more committed to your ex but that’s alright.

    If you don’t care that’s fine but if you care this is a wound she inflicted on the relationship and you shouldn’t keep paying the pain for that.

  10. It seems like you are happy together and I think you should take her word for it when she says that it really doesn’t matter. You can tell that you satisfy her in other ways. She’s not with her ex for a reason and she’s with you for a reason too!

    BUT. What the hell was she thinking telling you this? Even if my SO asked me I would never compare my guy with an ex because those facts will just live rent free in their head for no reason at all.

    If I were you I would really try to ignore what she said and live in the moment with her. If you get a feeling that she happily shares information with you to make you feel insecure I would let her go.

  11. I would leave anyway dawg. It’s better to find someone who is your match sexually so that you aren’t continually harming your own self image… if she prefers guys with a bigger dick then she should be with someone with a bigger dick but that just means like I said before you just have to find your match.

  12. Well the ex comment was completely unessicary, but yeah never ask stuff related to that incase you get a bad honest answer. I’m sorry it has you feeling bad but now sadly all you can do is try to get over it. I’m sure you’ve had ex’s with bigger boobs or a nicer butt or whatever, it’s life we’re all different. They ended regardless for a reason and she’s with you.

  13. Just dump and move on, honestly, a girl whose so clueless to say things like that and thing it’s fine, even if it’s the truth, is just not worth it. Like if you were to tell her tomorrow that your ex was in someway better, so you think she’d take that well? I don’t think so

  14. god damnit you insecure foo, let me help you out at the expense of getting downvoted by ppl who disagree (suck in bed =P)

    I have the smallest penis size my wife has ever had. I am also the shortest height wise. Did you notice I said wife? It’s been 7 years =)

    A man’s tool does not matter; their skill and technique do instead. Next time you have sex, you need to pound her in a way that is unforgettable. Out of respect for my wife I will not divulge details. Here are, instead, traits that every woman I’ve fucked loved:

    * Focus entirely on them
    * Focus on getting them off, repeatedly
    * Going long enough (1 hour is minimum) that all they can think of is the orgasm you’re purposely denying them
    * Understanding that sub/dom is bullshit and you should ebb/flow during it, almost like riding emotional tidal waves
    * Learning to eat her out, properly, for a long fucking time

    You’re welcome btw….to anyone who reads this and applies it =P

    This even applies to someone with a micro penis btw: get a fucking strap on or penis enlarging toy, make due with what you have, and fucking ride that girl’s brains out.

    Also, if it isn’t obvious: CONFIDENCE GOES A LONG WAY!

  15. Man you gotta relax, she is with you for a reason and not with an ex for a reason, my wife and I were best friends in high school, I heard all of her stories about her older boyfriend. Apparently dude was making horses jealous. But ya know what the first time we actually got together I walked around butt fuckin naked swinging my average junk around, I remember her saying later that she was impressed by my confidence, and I told her I’m at a point in my life now where it is what is, I can’t change it so either you like what you see or you don’t….. been together over ten years, married with three kids. The deeper your emotional connection is, the more in tune you are with your partner the more pleasurable it is for both of you, might take some time to get there but…… if you let your confidence fall and make it noticeable that’s a turn off to women, next time you guys start getting hot and heavy walk in there like your the only man alive and rock her world, remember it’s all about her and stop worrying about your dick size. She is looking at the total package , if your dick sucked that bad she would have been out after the first time just remember that.

  16. I don’t get why you’d even “joke” about it, and keep bringing it up… you kind of backed her into a corner where she either speaks honestly and hurts you, or lies and hurts you.. discussing penis sizes and previous lovers is the equivalent of a woman asking if her arse looks fat in that skirt-don’t ask, don’t answer- it’s a trap that’ll only lead to hurt feelings and arguments. Don’t push for an answer if there’s a chance you’re not going to like the response

  17. I don’t really get why people in the comments are defending it.. By saying she thinks bigger feels better and that her ex was bigger than you she has put you in second place when it comes to pleasuring her sexually, there is no debating this.. Of course you can try to change that perception, but for most men that would always be in the back of your head moving forward..

    It’s such a horrible conversation to have, and to admit.. Because even if she is just being open and honest, she is essentially saying she wants something that you cannot give her.

  18. That was extremely insensitive of her. You should be very open and honest about what you are feeling. Let it be a huge, long, deep, vulnerable conversation. If you are going to marry this girl, you must be able to do that. That is a very important part of a relationship. My husband and I have been very open and vulnerable from the beginning, and it has been great for us. It really give you that closeness and helps you overcome insecurity, which a partner should want to help you do, as you would for her.

    The way society approaches penis size is disgusting. My husband’s is huge, but I swear I would not love him any less if it was really small, and the sex would be just as meaningful and would give me just as much pleasure because it is HIM. It is so awful we have went this way as a society. Small penises are the topic of so many jokes and insults. Imagine if that were the case for vaginas? It is just totally rude, insensitive, disgusting, and inappropriate. If this woman is for you, she will show you that she loves YOU, not your penis.

    Edit: Add last paragraph.

  19. Even if my partner asked (which he wouldn’t because no good comes from questions like that), I wouldn’t compare. Every partner is different. Every emotional connection is different.

    Everyone you have sex with could have the same exact size and you would have different responses. You’re also very new in the relationship. It takes a good bit of time to learn what makes your partner feel good.

    So 1. Don’t ask questions you can’t handle the answers to and 2. Nearly every partner you’ll have will have previous sexual history. But it’s just that…history. if they wanted to be with that person, they wouldn’t be with you.

  20. The female g-spot is two inches in and on the upper side of the vagina. it’s not the size that’s the problem. i think with vaginal penetration it’s easiest to orgasm when there is no stress or expectation, so check that at the door (easier said than done, i know.) additionally, maybe try new angles or pillows added to your standard positions to change the feeling a bit. sometimes it’s a small change that makes a biiiiig difference. mainly, if she’s satisfied, stop worrying so much!

  21. If you are mentally stuck on a PNV orgasm, you can slip a small bullet vibrator in between the two of you during sex. Have her hold it on her clitoris while you move inside her.

  22. You think she’s satisfied but she isn’t. Everyone likes good head but I think she wouldn’t mind a little of what she’s had in the past. It’s not about her at this point it’s about you. Can you live with it? You’re young you have your whole life a head of you. You don’t want this to haunt you for the next 20-30 years.

  23. There’s nothing a bunch of strangers can say that will change your train of thought. I am not getting the vibe that you will get over this. Just break up and save you two from the hassle. Next time, either don’t ask or make sure that the girl you’re with is a virgin or had exes whose performance sounds like you can surpass. No idea how someone has the last conversation tho.

    Or you can recognise that it just been two months and you can still go ways to make sex more fun. Sex being good isn’t just about having the bigger dong and the strokes that entails. There are tons of material on the internet about different ways to go about sex.

    But seriously, if you can’t get over it, don’t waste each others time.

  24. They make sleeves you can slide over your erection to make it as long or thick as you want. Something like this would certainly feel larger to her. The other thing is the angle of penetration.
    I’ll be honest bud.. I’ve never had an orgasm from penetration alone. Many women never do. It’s a common issue. Stimulation of the clitoris is the way to go. Another thing to try may be butt plugs because it will make the intercourse tighter due to less space. Try different positions, different angles, definitely stimulating the clot during intercourse can be a game changer. Maybe you already knew all this, but hope something helps.

  25. You’re just not sexually compatible. Some women have deeper vaginas and prefer larger sizes, some women have shallow vaginas and want average sized penis. I would break up because you’re always going to feel self conscious. It was disrespectful as shit for her to say that to you. Dump her.

  26. Just simply reply about how much better your ex was at sex , she was lighter , better looking , much more outgoing , had a nicer body and keep adding and adding to it.

  27. Start going to the gym and stop talking to her about it.

    She already reassured you and I can only imagine you making her talk about it over and over again is only making her less attracted to you

    And go to the gym to improve your body image and self confidence.

  28. I think she’s a bit cold around the heart for telling you how much larger her ex was and how he gave her PIV orgasms and you just can’t. That’s cruel.

    Best advice. Tell her that things just aren’t working out for you. That while she’s wonderful, she’s just not the kind of girl that you would see as long term material.

    Then go find a girl that wouldn’t be as mean and heartless as this one.

    Good luck

  29. It takes years for some people to learn how to satisfy each other. Try and find a seventies book called “The Joy of Sex”, it might help you. A large member might only fit a large orifice, but a small one fits all sizes. Being together can be all you need, and manual stimulation can possibly be all you need sometimes.

  30. It’s like being cheated on, you will never truly get over this. It’s gonna always be in the back of your mind and cause you to over analyze something that should be fun and exciting.

    Only sensible thing to do is break up as all you are doing now is spinning your tires. She’s absolutely entitled to have a size preference but likely should be more at front for being a size queen.

  31. All women care about the size, they just lie to you if they say they don’t care. Before you get your pitchforks, there was another thread here on reddit “women do you care about the size” and overwhelmingly everyone said yes – some more in their own way. General consensus was that gigantic/huge is bad but the more over the average, the better. And a girlfriend who tells you “yeah, ex was much bigger and yours is pretty meh”, not sure i’d want to be with a person like that. You never compare your current partner with your ex, much less tell them about how they don’t measure up.

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