My girlfriends parents are for one pretty narcissistic. There are a lot of issues on her side with them. They won’t allow her to go out traveling, or even spend the night at my house (or anyone’s for that matter). We are both adults in our early twenties by the way. So the issue they have is “we don’t know you well enough. But when I try and talk with them they talk over me or change the subject or move to another room and they leave very little space for me to put my own words in. Early on in our relationship they found out that I smoked weed. They didn’t like it and had a sit down with me. They accused me of being in a gang or a drug dealer or something of the sort. I assured them I wasn’t and was not doing any drugs. They proceeded to threaten me with violence if they ever found out that I was smoking weed again. Not a great way to introduce yourself I don’t think. On from there, when I’ve been over to their house or have gone out with them. They don’t really talk much with me. They kind of talk amongst themselves and I usually feel left out. Another thing is that they speak English and Spanish. I know some Spanish but not much and when they have conversations sometimes it’s in Spanish, so there really is no way I can be included. Still. Family is important to her. So she wants me to get to know them. I just don’t know what I am supposed to do when they WANT to get to know me, but don’t even try to. It’s hard to feel any sort of closeness with them after being threatened and judged based off of my appearance(tattoos). I’m not sure what direction to go. When I try and make conversation it kind of just fiddles off to where they change the subject and talk about themselves or something way far off from what we were talking about. It feels like they don’t really have an interest in me and it’s just an excuse to be more controlling of their daughter. How do I go about forming a relationship with them? Should I even?
Girlfriends parents say they don’t know me well enough after a year and a half
This is an issue with your girlfriend. Talk with her when you two are alone. You’ve tried to get to know her parents but they aren’t interested.
She needs to decide if their demands are responsible. If they have her best interests at heart or only want her to be their baby forever.
You shouldn’t get to be the new person ordering her around. She needs to make this decision herself
Her parents sound like they’ve already decided who they think you are and aren’t willing to change that viewpoint. They also are enforcing the idea that they have the final decision on who she dates. On the other hand it would seem you are trying to impress the wrong people in your relationship.
Well, you indicated that they were narcissistic. Is this a valid conception, or is it more a cultural difference? But the old saying: “if you want to know what your gf will be like in the years to come, look at her mother”. That saying has a lot of truth associated with it, and I’d recommend you heed it.
Culturally, Hispanic families do value the family unit more importantly than some other cultures, and explains why children tend to stay with their parents into adulthood. So, don’t expect your gf to declare her “independence”, as it were.
As well, it is rude to speak a language not understood by a visitor while being visited, and the parents plainly know this, so doing so in your presence is a passive-aggressive way of showing their disapproval of you as a person. And, threatening violence towards you should have been the point where you stopped interacting with them at all.
Going forward, my suggestion is to have a private heart-to-heart with your gf, and tell her that you won’t be coming to her house anymore, as you can no longer continue to endure the disrespect her parents show you, and either redefine the manner that the relationship is carried forward, or bid her a fond farewell. Because right now you’re in a no-win situation.
I wish you well.
You have a girlfriend problem. Don’t bother with the parents.
Leave her. You’ll never be first and you can’t compete with family. It would be selfish of you to stay and have her choose between the two. There’s no need to be with someone whose family will never accept you. She won’t stand up to her parents.
You need to talk with girlfriend and she needs to talk with her parents. They don’t have to like that you smoke weed. They could threaten to kick her out if she dates you (you’ll both have to decide if that’s worth it and if you have a move out plan).
The problem is that they threatened you with violence. I wouldn’t visit anyone who threatened me like that and it would certainly cause issues down the line if your girlfriend expects you to be at events. You need to talk to her first.
If and when they apologize, you can start trying to build connections. Learn some spanish anyway, why not? It’s a useful tool and makes you more hire-able.
The worst thing you can do with people like that (after wanting to date their daughter, obvs) is to lift a finger trying to “get them to” like you. They don’t care about whether you love their daughter or not, all they can see is that you’re inferior. The why seriously doesn’t matter. (I mean, some reasons are worse than others, but)
I encourage you to read some stories in r/JUSTNOMIL, r/JUSTNOFAMILY, r/raisedbynarcissists to see what commonalities can be found in the success stories for people in your position.
You will find that uniformly, the only good outcomes are when your partner takes the lead with their own parents, communicating and maintaining boundaries. If your partner expects you to “just accept” their treatment because it makes her life easier, she’s not being a good partner, end of story.
It was hard for me to come to terms with this fact, but unfortunately the family is a package deal. When you’re deciding whether to be with your girlfriend, you’re also choosing whether to accept and take in her family. Unless she’s willing to sacrifice a little more to defend you and involve you (or to choose you over her family) I think your decision is less what to do about the family and more to do with how long you’re willing to be in this relationship.
Sounds like your dealing with that show called the Adam’s Family. Look it up when you get a chance.
For advice, you should try to focus more on your relationship with your girlfriend. The family sounds very strange and probably set in their ways. If things don’t improve, end the relationship and start fresh.
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