Saturday, April 1, 2023
HomeRelationship AdviceHalf of my life with this guy, I’m so torn

Half of my life with this guy, I’m so torn

Please I don’t know what to do anymore. For starters I’ve been with my husband since I was 14 and he was 15. I am now 28 years old and we’ve both done a lot of growing together and probably became too codependent on each other over the years. Lately we’ve been arguing so much because he’s been doing online sexual things that I did not like, he knew I did not like, but said he should be able to do what he wants and did it anyway. Then, he starts fighting with me about opening our relationship because he wants to have more experiences with other people and wants me to as well since I was not sexually satisfied because we are not into the same kinks. I fought him on that for months because I did not want it. Well we had one last argument in the car and I finally gave in and agreed to opening the relationship. I start casually chatting with someone online and I tell him about it and he flips out because he doesn’t think the guy is attractive enough?? So he brings up divorce which he’s also been bringing up a lot lately and I finally agree with him. Then the next day we talk about how we want to proceed with the divorce and I cry, but then I start to accept everything and realize it’s a good chance for a fresh start and to focus on myself. Then he comes to me crying saying he wants to drop the online sex stuff, drop alcohol, find a job, and get healthy to save our relationship. I also need to mention he hasn’t had a stable job in years, and I am stuck to a 9-5 that I hate and he also has argued with me about because I am always tired from it. There’s so much more to it, but that’s the highlights anyway. Now I am so torn. I was so ready for a fresh start, to just focus on me for once. At the same time I still love him so much and I do feel like we have a special connection because we have so much in common and generally enjoy life when he’s not consumed with his porn and alcohol addiction. I don’t want to lose him, but a part of me is so checked out of being married. I can tell I am becoming depressed, my health is not doing well, I can’t eat, I’m just tired.

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  1. Don’t be torn.

    He hasn’t carried his weight, emotionally or otherwise in years.

    He disrespected you repeatedly with the online sex stuff. He pressured you into an open marriage, because he wants to follow his sexual pursuits. The minute you have someone on the line, he changes his tune? He wants to keep you in your little box, behaving, while he has his cake and eats it too.

    It sounds like you aren’t sexually compatible, you’ve been supporting him, he drinks, and he chases other women. You’ve spent half your life with him, do you want to spend the rest of your life with him?

    You deserve better.

  2. Ok so reading your post, I see a lot about how much you love him and believe you have a connection with him and get on well, but nothing about how he actually TREATS you well, which is not the same as loving someone or just getting along with them. Does he actually treat you well and make you feel loved? Or do you just assume that the love is there because he says it, and because you love him, and you can’t imagine not being together? Love is an action – if I’d spent half my life with someone and they’d “grown” into an unemployed alcoholic porn addict who threatened me with divorce after I’d started chatting with another guy AT HIS INSISTENCE, I’d have to think very very hard about whether I wanted the next 14 years to look like this as well. You’ve invested your entire adult life in this relationship – do you feel like it’s been worth what you’ve been putting in?

  3. Sounds like you need a 3rd party counselor to assist. Doesn’t seem like he knows what he really wants. If you aren’t happy today then not doing anything because you have spent so much time together isn’t the answer. It’s fixing it together as a team or splitting up and finding a new start to be happy

  4. Girl, this is the perfect time for you to separate. At least for a while and see if he changes. Work on yourself, and see what you want in life. You’ve been with him for so long that thats your comfort zone, doesnt mean the best option for you.

  5. If he wanted to “open the relationship” and persisted on this when you made it clear you did not want this, he did not have your best interest at heart. He wanted to be in a romantic relationship with someone else.

    Leaving a long term relationship is scary. It is hard. I would give him an ultimatum. It is you or the porn and alcohol. He can clean up his act and try to reconnect, or risk losing you.

  6. Ok so for starters you can totally focus on yourself while being together. You have been together for a long time so it makes sense you don’t want to just throw it all away. However, he needs some massive help. You have to take control of the situation. You should either decide if your ready to move on from this guy or invest more of your precious time into him. Investing more time will probably be way more difficult. He says he wants to change so tell him it’s either he changes or is divorce and there’s no other way around that because you shouldn’t have to live like this. Obviously he should do therapy and you probably should too.

    This all being said from an outside perspective this guy sounds terrible tbh. Don’t ever let him push you into doing things you don’t want to do. Please stand up for yourself. If he doesn’t change follow through with the divorce if you really are going to try and stock this out.

  7. He wanted an open relationship until he discovered that you would get a lot more action than he would. He wants to get healthy to save your relationship; do you think that he will give up after two weeks?

    Is there anyone you can go stay with for a week? Visiting parents or siblings? I think that a little time away from the problem might give you a little clarity. Do you miss him or do you feel relief that you are away from him? I think that you two have been together from such a young age that you can’t imagine what a healthy relationship looks like, because if you could, you would have been gone a long time ago.

  8. So what you are saying is you have been supporting a grown man while all he did was lie, cheat, crossed boundaries and in general took you for granted. He doesn’t positively contribute to your life at all. Time to put yourself first, divorce him and move on. He will likely never get his act together especially if you are there being his safety net. Also, he didn’t want you to be with others he just wanted permission to cheat on you.

  9. Holy hell get the divorce asap, he sounds likexa real piece of work, hell you made it 14 yrs you te still young better yourself while you are because most likely he will not. From your postvyou are ready and done don t fall back.

  10. It’s okay to walk away from this. You’ve tried plenty, it’s okay to be done. Not every relationship is meant to be forever. You don’t have to stay with the person you chose at 14. He’s been unkind to you, he’s used you, he’s bullied you into things you don’t want. You’re exhausted and it is okay to stop.

  11. You were already looking forward to moving on. That says a lot. You’re tired of fighting for this to work, while he puts in no effort. And him saying that he’s going to put in the effort to make it work, without actually REALLY putting any action into making it work shows his true colors (so does being unwilling to go to counseling).

    It’s hard to move on from a long term relationship, especially when you have no idea what a healthy relationship is supposed to look like. I was in the same boat. Married to my first love for 17 years and very very unhappy and scared of being alone. But I can tell you that leaving and figuring out who I was made feel SO powerful and accomplished. I proved to myself that I could do things on my own. And in the midst of that I found love. Real love. I’m sure the same will happen for you. Good luck.

  12. Whether to keep working at saving this basically comes down to who else would be hurt by a divorce. It’s pretty normal for couples who start up in childhood and never have any outside life experience to break up. But if you and he have created kids it’s not fair to undermine their lives without at least trying everything to maintain an intact family for them. So if you don’t have kids you’d probably both be happier starting your lives over as singletons. If you do have kids get into some marriage counseling to see if there’s way to hold it all together. If he’s got porn/alcohol addictions he’ll also need to be in treatment for that simultaneously.

  13. I think you should express that your relationship has stressed you so much that the thought of separation sounds like a breath of fresh air. It doesn’t have to be permanent, but explain that he has been lacking in so many areas, it has naturally turned you away. It sounds like too many hurtful things for you to have dealt with emotionally by yourself. Be upfront in what you need him to be and that you want some distance while he makes these changes. If his actions aren’t aligning with his promises, be prepared mentally to cut your losses. I also think now would be a good time to focus on “you” related activities such as gym classes, book groups, whatever interests you. Really important to try and break that codependency.

  14. You think it’s a coincidence that whenever *he* suggests a change (open the relationship, divorce), he only ever backs out when you finally become ok with it? He’s deliberately making you miserable. You said you checked out of the marriage, so *check out*.

  15. If you were single and met a guy who said, “Hi, I’m Stan. I’m an alcoholic and I’m addicted to porn. The good news is that those things don’t interfere with work, because I don’t work!” Would you go out with him? No. Divorce this man. If he cleans up his act and you want to give him a chance in the future, that’s okay. Currently, he’s a sh;$ show. He wants to “open” the marriage, because he’s not committed. He brings nothing to the table. Get out.

  16. Check out of this toxic relationship. Your not his mom, your his back up plan and once he realized that he cannot have it all when your gone he saying he give up everything he’s been doing. Yeah right. No he afraid he needs to man up and take care himself.

    Take care if yourself thats all that matters.

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