Thursday, March 23, 2023
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He wants the perks of being my boyfriend but doesn’t want to commit.

Hi everyone, so I need to understand if I did something wrong by telling my ex-boyfriend that after I move out and our business can run itself I’ll start travelling around the world without him.

My ex-boyfriend 23 and I 23 (F) broke up in September after being together for 6 years. I moved in with him towards the end of last year. He had made new friends and unfortunately, their happiness became his priority and I understood that. However, he attended a birthday gathering of a girl who doesn’t like me and once told my boyfriend now ex that one day if he’s drunk at a club it’s ok for him to cheat on me. She has also asked my ex why he hasn’t cut me off completely since we broke up.

Anyway, I confronted him about attending the party and he tried to play dumb and said he was only there to show the girl’s boyfriend his support. Things got heated and we both realised that we were at different points in life and decided to end things. However, we are still sharing our apartment and because of this he still has access to me.

He still needed us to act like a couple so that he gets the boyfriend perks but I am left in a situation where I can’t ask for anything or for him to change his ways because I’m not his girlfriend. Yesterday we were talking about moving and I said I would be moving soon. He asked why I didn’t say we are moving and I said because we agreed that we are not moving into the same place. He had suggested that we move into the same apartment building and if I’m being honest I want my space.

This morning he asked if we should move to Namibia after our business can run itself and I said I’ll probably go to Europe. He asked again why I’m not including him in my plans and I explained the same thing to him. He then asked if I’m staying with him because I want to or because of the business situation and again I clarified that he was the one who introduced this idea of me finding my own place.

Now he’s sad and he’s saying he was naive to think I would still want him in my life. He wants us to be best friends but wants me to treat him like my boyfriend. He wants me to include him in my plans, tell him everything that happens in my life, sleep with him and be there for him 24/7.

I honestly feel like he wants to keep me close so that he has control over what I do and the people I meet. I no longer want to give him access to me. What he did really hurt me, I’m struggling to move past it and I still need time to heal but I feel like he’s rushing me. I do want us to be friends but on my own terms. So I need to understand if I did something wrong.

Edit: to everyone who thinks it’s my fault because I sent a mixed message and to all those being mean, my ex gets grumpy if I share anything he doesn’t agree with. He starts banging doors and acts like he’s being forced to talk when I try talking to him. He becomes very uncomfortable to be around and his energy is draining. He also tends to stop working and often uses me voicing out my concern as an excuse for being depressed and not being able to work. This leaves me having to take on all the workload.

On the day we broke up he tried to cut me out of our business and I have invested my life into this thing. I’m just trying to hold on until I can get the proper papers done and then leave. I’m doing the best I can with the situation before me.

To everyone sending encouraging words. Thank you so much. I truly appreciate your kind words and advice. I’ll definitely update everyone on the day I finally move out.

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  1. Remind him that friends dont just sleep together or plan to spend the rest of their lives living together, that’s weird shit.

    Once you move out seems like this problem also basically disappears so that’s a good idea.

  2. He cannot gave it both ways OP. Bottom line, if what you want doesn’t align with what he wants, since you aren’t “in a relationship,” anymore, it doesn’t matter what he thinks. Dude doesn’t seem to know what he wants, so you do you OP. Live your best life!

  3. The only thing you did wrong was not moving out immediately and cutting contact. It’s possible to be friends once the emotions of the break up wash over. Currently it seems your ex hasn’t really grasped what breaking up really means. Show him.

  4. Ok if you are sleeping with him stop. It is over. Even if you sleep in the same bed. Pillow walls are a thing. Things can happen with pregnant prevention and you do it need to get pregnant then he stays in your life not respecting boundaries.

    Move out sooner if you can I know it is really hard when you are in the same place to switch off emotions. Do you have a friend you can stay with to get the space.

    Work on documenting all your future plans. Put dates into the travel plans. I think it is an ideal thing to do some traveling to find yourself and put a switch in the past thinking.

    You need to be more firm in saying that when you are making decisions you are making them for you just you. He is not part of the equation, even if you stay friends you are not a partnership.

    I would suggest that you do not let him know where you are moving to. The next suggestion from him will be he stays or have a key for when you are away and he will then stay over etc etc.

  5. He does not have access to you just because you guys live together. You live together still I’m guessing because of financial situations or a lease. No one can have access to you longer than you want them to. Figure out how you want to carry out the relationship for the rest of the lease and set some hard boundaries.

  6. Girl, run, go to Europe, travel, live your life. He has shown you how much respect he has for you – it’s zero. Don’t start for this crap.

    This man has broken up with you and somehow he’s now surprised Pikachu that you are not planning a future with him? He wants a situation where you’re his bang maid but where he can just walk away because ‘ hey we broke up remember ‘

    He does not get to have it both ways. A break up is a breakup. Tell him you don’t want a ” best friend ” who treats his friends like he does and be besties with the girl who told him it’s okay to cheat. See if she wants to move to the apartment building and wash his pants.

  7. So he’s asking you to commit to a relationship where you sleep with him and do everything with him in mind but he’s unwilling to also commit to this relationship.

    Because eventually, in the future, he will do someone else, fwb or even relationship, and when you complain that he cheated, he will remind you that you’re not together. Therefore he didn’t do anything wrong. He can even do it in front of you, you can’t say shix because you’re JUST a friend.

    Don’t give him the satisfaction. Get your ship together and move out. And please, go no contact, otherwise he will not let you go. Every time you get in a place where you can move on, he will pull you back down to him. Don’t. He’s an ex for a reason. Remember that!

  8. You may want to remind him what ‘broken up’ means.

    Just be clear— I don’t want to be friends with you. I wanted to have a life with you but you weren’t interested in that. We are done and as soon as we’re able to move on from each other, I intend to. Don’t expect me to consider you in any of my life plans, because we aren’t together and you didn’t think it was reasonable to include me in yours when we WERE together. Understand?”

  9. i played house with my ex boyfriend for over a year. we took vacations together, spent holidays with my family together, etc. and this damaged me to a dark point, more than i realized until i left. and yes, when i finally was ready to accept that we were done and getting ready to move out, he became very sad and depressed that i was leaving *first*.

  10. Take what he wants completely out of the equation for a second, ask yourself what do YOU want? What does your heart call for? It is not your responsibility to make him feel better, it is your responsibility to make YOU feel better.

    It sounds like you’ve come to the mature realisation you are no longer compatible and you want to leave, which is the healthiest option, but you are struggling to take action on it due to your emotional ties and history with him.

    It’s going to be really hard hun, but in order to break up and heal: you need your own living space, you need a period of no contact or minimal contact at the very least, and you need to STOP being sexual or romantic towards each other in any way. Carrying on with couple behavior when your heart is not in it anymore is doing nothing other than prolonging the pain of the inevitable break-up.

    You can and will heal from this and be better in the long run. At 23, you’re a spring chicken with plenty of time and options. Don’t let a childish guy who prioritises friendships over his relationship drag you down.

  11. He absolutely wants his cake and eat it too please tie up all loose ends and get rid of him what kind of batshit crazy s*** does he think that you’re going to do all of those things for him but he’s not going to claim you as his girlfriend anymore there is no reason for you to do any of those things you’re a grown ass woman you don’t have to sleep with him cook for him include him in your life tell him about your life you’re over why doesn’t he understand this

  12. “still has access to me” what the fuck are you? A robot? Something to be used? That sounds so degrading and so wrong. Start treating him like a roommate and ffs don’t talk about yourself like that. You’re a human being, not something that can be “accessed”.

  13. OP everyone’s focusing on moving out and traveling and all that but I’m going to suggest you strongly look at the business you two have and your investment and what your plans with it are.

    The reason I’m saying this is if he’s acting like this now before you move out to try to cut you out of it, it will only escalate when you do move out.

    He will use the business to continue to try to control you so you need to decide how much you expect, what it’s actual worth is and how you want it to run. I hope you’ve documented everything you’ve put into the business because it’s going to be a battle even if you get the papers.
    If you continue to be a partner in this venture with him expect him to sabotage it or you to do more and him to claim his 50/50 split.
    Financials, expenses, all that involved with a business will absolutely be rough going forward papers, judgements, and whatnot.

  14. He honestly sounds abusive. I would do what you need to do in order to keep things quiet but stop sharing your plans. Your best plan would be to move out when he isn’t home and ghost him. Slamming doors, controlling who you see, “escorting” you everywhere is abusive. Good luck.

  15. Yes you did something wrong, sleeping with your ex and living with him.

    Its totally normal for you to want your own life and your own space.

    The only way you can realistically be friends instead of people who hurt each other, is if you separate properly.

  16. I think you need to have a sit-down conversation with him to clarify that being exes means that none of the girlfriend perks apply any more. If he wants to be considered as a boyfriend, he acts like one (if you even want to be back together with him, which it sounds like not). He can’t be your ex in name only. If you’re serious, you have to make the boundaries stick. This will be easier if you can physically get some space from him as soon as possible. Good luck.

    I had a guy break up with me because we wanted different things out of life (it was the right thing to do). And the next thing he says is, “we can just be cazh now,” to which I was lolno. So I’ve been there.

  17. You have made yourself into a cheaters dream woman. He can have whoever he wants with no repercussions and when he can’t get it elsewhere, he can come home and have some more of you. Winner winner chicken dinner. Yeah separate yourself as completely as possible. Fir your mental health

  18. I think you have some control on whether or not you’ll be having sex with him, so at least there won’t be that benefit that he gets.

    As far as just talking to him (to be civil since you still live with him), sharing costs like rent and food, etc those are things you can also consider as just being neutral or friendly for the sake of keeping the peace.

    You also need to set a time frame to where you think the business i s running on its own and make sure you don’t get shut out from it.

    Once he knows you’re not keeping him around, even as a friend, your business could be in jeopardy, even to the point that he could sabotage it for the sake of hurting you, or for the sake of keeping you around since it’s not being as successful as you were thinking it will be, in the time frame that it was going to be.

  19. He cannot get the perks if you don’t give it to him. So step one is to cut that tie or access. Also if you don’t feel safe doing the same you may have to get legal help. That may be needed for your business purpose too.

  20. You have a lot of advice given to you here. But I’d like to focus in on the business for a moment. If it is profitable I do hope you both have contracts with one another because once you move on (which you should) things will start to get ugly and he will want to either take the business from you or sabotage it all together because of his feelings. I’d lawyer up to see what could be done about the business to protect your interest in it.

    Best of luck.

  21. I’m confused. You have money to go to Europe but not to find your own place? And you have a business together of some sort? There are parts of this story that aren’t making sense to me. Seems like you should move though.

  22. Seriously, is this a joke? I hate to sound rude but where is your sense of reasoning and pride? Here you have a man that wants the perks of having you as a gf but not have to do anything or be loyal. In this day and age of women empowerment and whatnot, this is taking 5 steps back in the wrong direction.

    Tell him bluntly it’s over, you don’t want him, you don’t want to his his situationship friend. He can move on with his life and only talk to one another about business matters, that’s it. He is to not try and rekindle those feelings, he had his chance and he made his choice

  23. A lot happened involving his friends and him spending more time with them. It got so bad that he spent the money we had saved for our birthdays on his friends and he can’t go a day without chilling with them for at least a minimum of 6 hours. NB: amongst the friends, two are in a relationship and no matter what they’re saints in his eyes. The girl’s birthday was just the last draw for me.

  24. Ugh!!! Same conversation I had with my husband… (we also have a toddler) didn’t want a relationship with me anymore wants to be my best friend with benefits and still live together and make plans together then I was the worst person in the world when i found a new place for myself and our son and when we were not having sex or I said we will never be friends. It’s weak and so hurtful I’m just not good enough to be your wife anymore and I have to watch you go enjoy your life well I hurt and I an supposed to be “your friend” who can’t move on its horrible

  25. Set boundaries and ask that he respect them.

    You decide who is your friend and to what extent.

    He very clearly can’t take the hint, so I suggest cutting him off altogether. Don’t give into his pleas.

  26. He wants a FWB arrangement but the sound of it. Only do that if you get something out of it.

    Its better to make as clean a break as possible when you own a business together. This will help him and you become much clearer about your relationship. You get to see other people, as will he, and if you end up together later, at least you’ll do it with better perspective rather than just meandering along out of habit.

  27. Move as soon as posible, and stop acting like his gf. You don’t have to be best friends, you can be coworkers. He is in the wrong for expecting those things, but you are allowing it too.

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