Sunday, March 26, 2023
HomeRelationship AdviceHey so I just need some advice.. my bf just told me...

Hey so I just need some advice.. my bf just told me a few days ago that his grandpa spent 10 years in prison for something REALLY F’d up.

My boyfriend has a hard time talking and opening up and last weekend he opened up and told me that his (now 80 year old) grandpa was arrested for child p0rn. Before telling me he said, “so I have never told anyone this and I don’t know if I really want to tell you because I don’t want you to look at my grandpa any different, or my family because he’s changed now but..” then went on to tell me. I promised him that I adored his grandfather and that it takes a lot for me to change my views on a person as well as telling him I wouldn’t judge w anyone for whatever it was he wanted to tell me. I never thought that would be what it was. So I brushed it off and the next morning I woke up and immediately thought of that, it ended up making me sick to my stomach. I was assaulted as a child and I have many younger siblings (12 and under) AND I want to have children with this man. But after hearing that I don’t know what to do. I haven’t said anything to him but I am canceling our joint thanksgiving and I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to stomach looking at his grandpa or family again. My mind just runs to “how could you all forgive him for that? How could you think that a ped0 could change?” And I find myself getting sick at the thought of any of them. I just don’t know what to do. I hate the thought of it ruining what my bf and I have but it makes me second guess everything. My mom said I should take some time and just stay distant but make sure to be respectful and not change my behavior around them but I don’t even know if I can be near them.

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  1. I had an uncle who raped his daughter and was caught with a hard drive filled with kiddy porn. My peice of shit family did everything possible to minimize the consequences he had to face. My grandparents spent over $500K to make sure he only did 9 years in prison. They lied to family and friends at their grandchild’s expense. I can’t tell you whether or not if your bf’s grandfather is a changed man or not, but I sure as hell don’t trust people that look past it. Imagine your future family and if something happened to your kids under your bf’s or his family’s watch. Would he be honest about it or would him and his family minimize and sweep it under the rug?

  2. As someone who was abused, I could never be near any of them. To stay quiet about something like that, to allow him back into the family, makes them complicit in my eyes. Like, gramps sure liked sharing those photos but he’s faaaaaamily so it’s OK. /s

    Also, it’s not child pornography. Porn implies a level of consent. It’s child abuse images and videos that he disseminated for other paedos to use.

  3. Don’t look at his grandpa any differently? How the fuck can you not look at someone who was arrested for child p0rn differently?! That’s fucked up!

    I would go with your gut on this one, OP. Dump him.

  4. OP could you ever have children with your boyfriend knowing that first of all his grandfather was convicted of such a crime, and second of all knowing that his family minimizes and hides it? Do they regularly allow him around children? Think of what you would want for your own future family’s safety.

  5. When your gut speaks, listen.

    I’d run for the hills and never look back if I were you. This is a man who forgave a pedophile and is okay being around him knowing the harm he’s caused. Is this really a man you want to have children with? Can you trust him to be with your children, let alone his family? Are you ever going to feel safe leaving your children with his family?

  6. Think about this…

    He and his family minimize the disgusting and repulsive behavior of another family member. Now imagine if you have a child with this man. How do you think you will feel when he wants to leave your children with his family?

  7. When your mom says not to change your behavior and to act normal, I completely disagree. You’re just making it seem like everything is okay then.

    Its probably hard to not forgive because they’re family… imagine his parents trying to hate somebody that raised them for 50+ years. Not that I would forgive him, just trying to see their POV.

    You should have a talk with your boyfriend. See why he thinks you should overlook it. Try and see why your boyfriend forgave him. I think his answer will be enlightening on what you should do… If it was just as simple as “he’s family”, or “he doesn’t watch it anymore” then I wouldn’t accept that shit. If they said that they’re not holding him accountable for all the mistakes he’s made and lives he’s ruined.

  8. Abuse victim here. My family is like this. Except they lied and said nothing ever happened, I was making stuff up and rallied around the pedos (yep, there was more than one.)

    This is called minimizing. And if they left any of their kids with grandpa, alone and unsupervised, they’re enablers. Both of these actions are disgusting.

    Listen to your gut. It’s saying leave. *Leave.*

  9. Here’s the thing. Say you marry him. Then have kids. He’ll want his grandpa to meet them bc for some scary reason he has accepted this. Are you seriously willing to have children with this man and put them at risk? You have a boyfriend problem because he thinks this is ok. I suspect he’ll always choose his family’s side over you regarding this.

  10. Filling in the blanks a bit, I could be wrong:

    So your boyfriend brought you to previous family gatherings to which a known pedophile was invited and didn’t warn you. He let you spend time with him, enough to “adore” him. Now that you’re deeper into the relationship and are less likely to bolt, he drops this news right before Thanksgiving.

    Pedophiles aside, your boyfriend hid this from you and is now deliberately manipulating you. Unforgivable.

  11. Here’s what you do:

    – Make excuses to get out of Thanksgiving. Tell your boyfriend that this is a lot to process and you’ll need some time. Come up with a story for public consumption about why you’re not there.

    – Get away from Reddit and/or other people who are going to use the situation you’re in as an opportunity to howl about what they would do. Surround yourself with people who make, calm, rational, adult decisions.

    – Part of your processing should be an HONEST assessment of what you would ACTUALLY do if your own grandfather was arrested for this and you were raised to forgive him by people who had forgiven him. Are you someone who would actually cut contact with your entire family over this? Establish these things with brutal sincerity before judging your boyfriend.

    Come to whatever conclusion you want, but your boyfriend is branded for the rest of his life because of something he wasn’t involved in and has no voice in.

    – Trust your mother over Reddit. Reddit loves to posture and preen. (I’m not saying to do exactly as she says, but put 10x the weight on her words as you process.)

  12. The only a way I would even think of staying with the guy is if grandpa isn’t allowed around anyone under 18. Frankly I’m not sure I’d be ok with anyone keeping in contact with him, but definitely not anyone offering up children for sacrifice.

  13. I mean, how can you not look at his grandfather differently?

    I wouldn’t want to be around grandpa, that is sweeping it under the rug!! Pedos don’t get to sweep it under the rug!!

  14. He hasn’t changed because he can’t change. He likes to watch children being abused and raped. You can’t get over that, and shouldn’t be expected to. You can’t have any child anywhere near him.

  15. Pedos do not change. I also could never hang around anyone (ex. his family) that’s is/knows pedos.

    Unfortunate for your bf, but he shouldn’t bring anyone near his grandfather.

    And you definitely should not have kids with him. Unless you plan on watching them around grandfather.

  16. Grandpa hasn’t changed, he’s only gotten better at hiding his addiction. Some unanswered questions, though…. Is he on a sex offender registry? How long ago was prison? Does he still see a therapist?

    My boyfriend was sexually abused as a child and it turns out that his abuser had countless victims that didn’t speak up about the abuse. His abuser is dead now, thank God, but he still carries the terrible things done to him forty years later.

  17. OP you *need* to trust your gut. 99% of the time “he’s changed” just means he’s more careful to not get caught. 10 years means he got caught with some serious bad shit, and now it sure sounds like the whole family is covering for him. That “I don’t want you to look at him any different” attitude really says it all…

    Seriously, run for the hills. It’s just not worth the risk.

  18. As someone who went through the experience I would say just break up with him. There’s no way the bf is saying that he is a changed man. That’s just fked. And if u were to have kids with this guy it will never be good for the kids because of his pedo grandpa and the fact the bf’s mindset

  19. I was sexually abused by my grandmother’s longtime boyfriend when I was a child.

    He was 100% a well-loved member of our family since my dad was a young teenager.

    I told my family what happened when I was about 17.

    They kicked him out of the family and he was never welcomed back, except for one event that I personally requested he be invited to so that I could have a chance to confront him. He was grudgingly extended an invitation and several family members pulled me aside crying and hugging me after he left in a hurry claiming a stomach ache after I talked to him.

    THAT is a normal, healthy reaction to finding out someone in your family is a pedophile. And they do NOT change. Pedophilia is a mental illness for which there is currently no available treatment or therapy. He didn’t “change” just because he is no longer in prison and hasn’t been caught doing it again.

    You need to consider this long term if you intend to have any children. He should never, ever, ever be allowed around your kids and if your bf is not on board with that then the relationship needs to end IMO.

  20. >“how could you all forgive him for that? How could you think that a ped0 could change?”

    This is what I couldn’t get past. They forgave him and think he changed.

    >I want to have children

    How on earth do you have kids with someone who thinks that someone with child sexual abuse images (p0rn is made by people who can legally consent. These are images of children being sexually abused and exploited) has changed and is worthy of forgiveness. What about the kids in those pictures? Do they forgive him and what they went through for him to get off?

    Can you ever imagine leaving your kids alone with people who are totally fine with a sex offender?

  21. I am in no way discounting what grandpa did, but it seems you do not have all the facts and are making some assumptions. You should first talk to your BF and thank him for sharing, because this was a big deal for him to open up. I assume he knows about your abuse, which likely made it doubly hard to tell you, as he knew it would trigger you. Some questions to ask – why did he decide to tell you ? Why now ? Why does he think his grandpa changed ? When did he find out ? What exactly are the circumstances of his conviction – is he on the sex offender registry ? Does this bother him ?

    The answers to these question will help you to navigate the situation. If you decide you can’t be around the family, that is completely your choice. I think you will need time and space to think this through and do share with your BF what you are going through. I’m so sorry all of this has happened – what an awful shock.

  22. Op, I’ve seen it from the other end. It is a horrible horrible thing to do and I’m truly sorry for anyone who has had this happen to them.

    There are super rare instances of it not happening like you might think. I’d see if you could look up the actual court case if he went to trial.

    Depending on when your bfs age, I don’t really know if I could look at him badly.

    I can super place negativity on the family for this Is a super horrific thing to live thru if it is a close family member. I’m sure they aren’t all loving and forgiving of the dude but have come to terms with his actions in their own way because they do love him and they have a belief of forgiveness that many do not have but instead have the belief of constant persecution. Which many think is what should happen to those that indulge in this perversion.

    I’m not trying to excuse them or think better of them than what they may be. I know nothing of that family. I just try to see more than one side.

    Do I think the old guy is cured or whatever? I dunno. I’d never leave my child with him, maybe none of the older generation. And if anyone put pressure on me for time with my child I’d block them permanently.

    If you think he’s worth it, get some counseling solo and with bf about this before breaking up with him. He didn’t do this. Only one person did this coke action. Don’t place the sun on those that didn’t.

  23. Before I could give advice, what were the circumstances of him having child porn?

    Please don’t come at me I was molested as a child several times, and I don’t condone it.

    I also have a brother who is a registered sex offender for something he shouldn’t be. Because of the circumstances.

    So I’m genuinely curious of the facts around the situation.

    All for the fact of the family sakes.

  24. For perspective, I’d imagine it would be hard for your bf to look at his grandpa any differently if it happened before he was born bc all he would’ve known was just normal grandparent stuff until he got old enough to understand what happened. Regardless, this is your life and it’s yours to choose who you want to be in it. There’s often a familial obligation to stand by family through their shit, luckily that’s not your family and you owe them nothing. If that’s something you can’t stomach cut it off before time makes the situation more difficult.

  25. Do you want your future children’s great grandpa to be a convicted child predator? Tell your bf that you appreciate his honesty, but the fact that him and his family could look passed that is what you can’t get passed. Is your boyfriend really okay with his grandfather? Does he actually think he doesn’t still have those urges? Especially if he knows what happened to you as a child! Forget the grandfather, I could never look at my boyfriend the same again. What else is he okay with if it happened long enough ago and the people involved said “sorry”?!

  26. I will tell you one thing. Your boyfriend’s life is permanently stained and fucked up.

    He was just a kid when his grandfather went to prison.

    Imagine this happens to you. A close relative is a pedophile and society permanently ostricize you for something you didn’t do.

    Trust your instincts on this but don’t penalize people for something they didn’t do.

    I have an uncle who worked for the secret services and tortured people during interogations. It came to light after the communism went down. My husband, when he gets upset, starts bringing up the name of my uncle…WTF, I have nothing to do with this. Nothing.

    My cousins moved overseas, I live overseas, and there is no escaping from this nightmare. My husband still reminds me…

  27. Ooops. Perhaps that’s why he didn’t open up initially.
    It’s scary to be vulnerable with information that you suspect people will judge you for. You proved that fear. That’s what you’re doing. You’re judging him based on his family. Maybe he thought you would be different.

    Yeah, your feelings are valid but If your attitude towards your boyfriend is changed because of the choices his grandpa & parents made, you’re treating him unfairly.

  28. I have no idea what his grandpas criminal history has to do with your relationship..

    Did you ask what the actual verdict was and what happened? Communicate your feelings with your bf. I’m sure he would like to know your thought process here.

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  30. So how often does,your bf see his grandfather? Are children allowed him? Does your bf realize that no children should be around him? If your bf has kids will he keep them from his grandfather? Does your bf make sure that his grandfather isn’t around children when the bf is there? Does the family accept that it was a horrible no good thing he did or do they dismiss and minimize it? Does your bf actually thing it’s horrible or did he just delay it based on previous bad reactions and hoped you would be too enmeshed to object?

  31. THIS MAN IS STILL ALIVE??? And your boyfriend not only keeps him in his life but *asked you not to see his pedophile grandfather in a different light*?

    He’s a fucking pedophile, he got off on children being hurt – and your boyfriend willingly submits himself… *And his partner* to this man?

    Nope, no no no, no, not ok. No, abso-fucking-lutely not.

    You know that thing about if you sit in a table with Nazis, you’re also a Nazi? Yeah, this is sitting at a table with a known, proven, convicted pedophile and becoming an enabler.

    Do I think pedophiles should be shunned from society? That’s too complicated to discuss so casually, but personally, I would never look at the grandfather or the boyfriend the same, because, you know, convicted pedophile and his family member who *doesn’t want people to view a pedophile with different eyes*.

    Are there fucking *children* in the family? Are they **allowed near the pedophile**?? Because if so, that would be an immediate deal breaker. NEVER, **EVER**.

  32. Trust yourself.

    But it seems that your BF has been taught to accept his grandfather if he was 6 went the grandfather was jailed.

    You need to tell your BF that you cannot not look at grandfather *and* his family differently, especially since you are a survivor of SA. In an ideal world, your BF would have a talk with a counsellor to look at the other side of the coin and see how child porn has destroyed the lives of many children and now-adults.

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