Sunday, March 26, 2023
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How can i explain to my aunt how much her daughter means to me without sounding like a creep

So I (30M) have been depressed for as long as i can remember. an accident when i was 7 has left me with a disfigured face that doctors say they cant really do anything more about. i started getting bullied and i have attempted suicide more than once because of it, the first one being when i was 11 when i tried to hang myself in the school playground. the school didnt do anything about the bullying, my parents didnt do anything about the bullying and i felt abandoned by the world.

Im now 30 and have my own appartment after moving out at 24. ive never gotten any help from healthcare for my mental health even after having asked for help and i am still very much depressed and lonely. the only friends i have are online and i suspect thats because when online noone sees my face

the only thing that makes me happy in this world is my step-cousin (12F) whom i met when she was 4 after my uncle married her mother. and while she was scared of me at first she soon warmed up to me and started showing me the first bit of kindness and love ive recieved, at least that i can remember, whenever my aunt and uncle would come over she would bolt past my parents to give me a big hug whilst shouting my name.

when i got my own place she would ask to spend the weekend at my place a few times a month and i had nothing against that. i had started to think of her as my own daughter. when she would come over i would play with her. let her try out a few kid friendly games on my PC or take her to the playground, not a very fun experience all the time since you know… ugly looking guy in his mid to late twenties with a young girl, would often get dirty glares and have even had the cops called on me. but that isnt reallly relevent. it just shows that i know how easy it is for me to come off as a creep due to my appearance.

my cousin is now 12 and after a near death experience (traffic accident) i want to add her to my will incase anything ever happens, be it suicide of accident or whatever. i dont want my parents to inherit me and i dont have any kids (not even a mother could love this face so how could any other woman), however, due to her being a minor and the laws being what they are where i live, her legal guardian needs to approve her being added. i also dont want to leave anything in my aunts hands since she is bad with money and might just use it for herself (she is in massive debt)

so i need to explain to my aunt that i want to leave everything i own to her daughter in case i die which in turn means explaining to her why and how much her daughter means to me. but im terrified that she will just think im a creep for loving a little girl that isnt my own daughter and forbid me from seeing her again, which would most deffinitly send me off the deep end. or be offended that i dont want to leave it in her care if i die before her daughter is of legal age.

how do i approach this? my cousin is due to spend the next weekend at my place and i want to talk to both her and her mother about this by then since i want my cousin to know how much she means to me too.

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  1. My dad also has severe facial scarring from an accident when he was 9. You’re not unloveable OP. My dad has had multiple romantic relationships as an adult. It’s very sad hearing him talk about himself in the same way you do. The things his partners have all admired about him are his incredible sense of humour, handiness, always up for an adventure and he is a talented musician. He has an eye for detail in everything he does.

    As for the daughter, wouldn’t your uncle also be her legal guardian now. Did he ever adopt her?

  2. Do you have to disclose how much you’re leaving to her? Could you not just say I’d like to add her as one of the beneficiaries in my will? I think it would be simpler that way and make it seem like less of a big deal. Be like oh I’d just like to leave her a little something so the aunt’s greed doesn’t kick in. You could even say you want to add them both but leave the aunt a token amount.

    Or is there a loophole you could create like leave a trust that goes to her once she’s an adult without needing consent to create it?

  3. I would just say something like “I’m writing a will at the moment and I’d like to leave something to Cousin to help with her future.” I think it’s quite normal to think about the children in your family when you’re writing a will, as they’re the ones who will probably benefit most from the inheritance (seeing as you will hopefully die at an old age and therefore your parents, uncles/aunts, similar aged siblings etc will be elderly or dead by then). I think it will come across weirder if you make a big deal of how much she means to you than it will if you just treat it like a normal thing.

  4. I’d be more worried about the aunt being offended that you wouldn’t trust her with it than her thinking you’re a creep. if she’s okay with her daughter staying over your place I doubt she sees you in that way. maybe you can come up with a reason why it has to go to your niece and not your aunt.

    I’m concerned about your healthcare not providing mental health care. are you in the US? on Medicaid? I might be able to help you out with finding a therapist and psychiatrist.

    I also hate to hear that you feel unlovable because of your face. I’ve had crushes on some strange looking people because their personalities were so lovely. maybe you’ll get lucky with a smoking hot blind girl. not everyone is as shallow as the idiots who’ve made you feel bad. thinking so low of yourself becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy – self worth and confidence because of all the bullshit you’ve had to deal with is what’s going to make you desirable. I bet you have a unique perspective that would make you really valuable to someone who could relate to you. You sound like a wonderful and caring person, not at all unloveable.

  5. Get legal advice first, don’t mention anything to either of them including your cousin.

    You want to find out if it can be held in a trust for your cousin which can’t be accessed by her until she’s older. For instance see if it’s possible to lock it so the only reason she can take money out is for college until she is of a certain age.

    She’s too young to be put under pressure by her mother who will hound her and guilt her for money if she’s desperate. That isn’t fair to your cousin. That’s why you want to keep it a secret until your cousin is old enough to know better.

  6. Your aunt lets you watch her alone. I doubt she sees you as a creep. So just be honest.

    “Look, [Aunt], you know what I’ve gone through with this [gesture at face]. [Cousin] has been my little buddy through all of that. I love her to bits and I want to make sure that if anything ever happens to me, she’ll have something to remember me by. Would you mind me adding her to my will?”

  7. I don’t see why you have to explain it to her. My husband does not have any kids of his own, but will be leaving money to his niece and nephew. Didn’t have to explain anything at all, just was a nice thing to do. Did not have to explain to his brother how wonderful he thinks they are, things like that. Just “they are relatives, they are kids, would be nice for them to have money for school or starting their adult life or whatever they need when the time comes”.

  8. OP, please get some help for your suicidal feelings. You are worth so much.

    As for how to speak to your aunt, I think just stating the facts as they are is enough. Something like “I’m sure you know just how kind (Girl) has always been to me and how she is the family member I’m closest to. I would like to acknowledge that by leaving her something in my will.” Your aunt and uncle already know she is close with you and they obviously trust you if she’s allowed stay at your place. I think they’ll be unsurprised that you want to honour your connection with her in this way.

  9. Man how about you look a bit harder into finding a good therapist.

    Your niece sounds great but she’s not the only human being in the world who’s going to love you.

    I’m pretty sure your own insecurities are what keeps all other people away.

    Btw just tell the aunt that you don’t really plan to die anytime soon, and it’d just make you feel better to direct the inheritance towards the child, so that if the worst happens she can have something to look forward to, growing up, that will make her remember you. A gift for her 18th birthday in case you’re not around to give it to her directly. And, it must be known in your family that you don’t get along with your parents so you’d rather have your beloved niece as a heir. You know, the niece that they have let you babysitting because they trusted you not to be a creep.

    I’m unsure if this is okay to share because it might send a different message than the one I intend to, but. I once met a woman with very unfortunate looks. No real disfigurement, just features that do not confirm with any ideal of beauty. I met her, and her blind husband, and their adult son. It touched me that this man didn’t choose her despite her looks, he chose her and they had a solid enough marriage that they still were together years afterwards, and he spent exactly no time during those years thinking that she isn’t pretty. I’m sure this woman is lovely and could have chosen someone else too. I don’t think she “settled” for the blind guy. I am *definitely* not encouraging you to look for blind women. I’m just pointing out that what’s a big deal to some people don’t have to be a big deal for *everyone.* There’s a lot of women out there. Not every one of them is looking for a perfect face. There are around some who won’t care for a reason or another. Maybe one had a disfigured uncle who was the best uncle ever so she isn’t bothered by the scars and is more than willing to look at the person instead. Maybe another isn’t looking for looks *at all* because she has other priorities in life and values more if her partner is funny, or quiet, or dependable, or whatever. Maybe one is a gigantic nerd and gets fascinated by your nerd knowledge. And, while we’re on the topic, did you ever consider acting? Not as a profession, just as a hobby. Good actors/rolepleyers are extremely hot for the right audience. Or dance. It takes a lot of time and effort to reach the level where someone gets attracted to you for that reason (and we’re just talking about initial attraction, the actual relationship still needs work on both ends) but hopefully you’ll still be around 5 or 10 years from now.

  10. OP, could you just say to the Mom that you would like to put her daughter “in your will”, without actually telling her she would be your sole beneficiary?

  11. I would investigate leaving money to a minor and talk to a lawyer about making sure it gets saved, probably having the lawyer be part of the trusteeship and not released until a certain age so no one can spend it.

  12. I don’t think you need to go into detail about your feelings with her mom at all. It’s extremely normal for childless aunts/uncles to leave their inheritance to their niblings, I doubt she’d even be surprised. You’re probably overthinking this.

    Just tell her “hey, after the accident I want to make sure my affairs are in order and since niece is such an awesome kid I want to make sure that if something happens to me she gets a little leg up towards her future. So here’s where you sign.” The end.

  13. Couldn’t you just put it in a trust until she turns 18? Then it will be there when she becomes an adult. That way you wouldn’t have to explain anything to your aunt. I would speak to a lawyer though to make sure it doesn’t get taken by her mother or government if she is too young. A lawyer can tell you the laws and rules in your area. I am sorry you’ve had such a rough time and people can be such jerks. I really hope you seek help for your mental health issues so you can try to live a happy life regardless of the disfigurement. Best of luck!

  14. Make sure you do not tell your aunt that she will have no access to the money, but still tell her niece will inherit it. She will of course approve this seeing as she prob thinks she will have access to it too. Set up a trust so your niece can only access it at a certain age (I hear people usually do around 24/25 so it’s post college and you’re a full adult in the world and responsible) and set someone in charge of it that can approve funds spent before that (college tuition). Make sure this person is a lawyer or some other professional not attached to you guys at all. Make sure you clarify under no circumstances is this money going to your aunt. Massive debt makes even the nicest people do some crazy things.

    ETA: and on a personal note, I am a 24 year old female. My friends M&F consider me attractive. I would absolutely date someone will facial scarring. I don’t care about that. I think you need to try and get back out there because I think the bullying in school tainted your view of everyone as a whole. There are a LOT of us who care mostly about personality. Tbh sometimes I think I’m demisexual so I def don’t care about looks as much as personality. Someone will love you. She’s out there I promise

  15. If my child brought such joy to someone’s life, it would make me incredibly happy. Every time people tell me stories about his kindness or being silly, it warms my heart. Love for him is my fuel, I love it when others love him too. I can promise you no mother would feel insulted that you’ve grown to care for her child and want to help with her future if they already feel confident in your relationship to the child (see: overnight visits).

    Unrelated to that part: I know from experience that asking for the referral for treatment is the hardest part but I can guarantee you that it’s so very worth it. Therapy has helped me see myself as positively as others can and develop confidence to stand up for myself and others that I thought I’d forever lack. Try thinking through passed the embarrassment of asking and that latter step.

  16. Could you set up a family trust account and name her as the beneficiary in the event of your death.

    I am so sorry for what you have gone through. You are clearly a kind person and don’t deserve the treatment you have been subjected to. I would explain to your uncle and aunt that your niece showed you that your looks don’t matter and that her affection for you has meant the world to you. This is your way of showing your appreciation.

  17. Could you simply say that you want to include her in your will without specifying how much? Say you want to set up a trust fund to protect the inheritance for the girl’s future. I probably would simply say that she is a bright spot in your life because you have not had children of your own. I would probably steer away from talking about how deep your depression is or how she is the only one expressing love in your life. That would sound at least odd. As to the larger issue, you might not want to give up on having peers who are friends. There are other people with disfigurement and with the internet, there are probably support groups. Likewise, I’m not being funny to say that a person who is blind might not be put off by your appearance. The thing you have to fight is the depression and defeat you are feeling. If you can, find a community on-line of people experiencing something similar.

  18. Hugs. I don’t know how disfigured you are, but part of your attractiveness ultimately will come from your personality. Your parents sound clueless and useless, but this does not mean that every woman in this world will be. I wouldn’t give up on trying to date, just because your mother wasn’t a good role model to you about women could be like. She would have been sh*tty no matter what you looked like.

  19. If they let her stay at your home, I can’t imagine they might think adding her to your will is weird. Just say something like, “I’m updating my will and I’d like to leave something to x. My attorney says I need y from you to do that. Here’s y.”

    You need to find therapy and maybe a support group of some kind. If you’re working, check your benefits.

    You have tremendous value as a person. While I’m not in your shoes, I was bullied as a child and I know it’s painful. I can also understand why being bullied over your injuries/appearance would impact your self-esteem. You are old enough now, though, to know that appearances aren’t everything. You don’t love this child because she’s beautiful. You love her because of her kindness and personality. You have that kindness, too! If you can make friends online, you also have a good personality. By locking yourself away, you are depriving others of the joy this little girl brings you. You need to meet people who will appreciate you. Why don’t you start by trying to volunteer somewhere?

  20. Well, first, do not discuss this issue with your cousin; she’s only 12 years old, and having a conversation involving your death is inappropriate at her age.

    Rather than informing your aunt of your intentions, get an appointment with an attorney, who can give you guidance in writing your will, and in addition, can inform you on the steps necessary for creating a bank account that can receive funds from your estate that is designed in such a way that your cousin will receive the proceeds when she reaches a certain age, such as 18, if she needs funds for college, or 25, when she’s reached a degree of maturity. There are other details of which I’m not aware, but you get the gist of my thinking.

    Oh, as for women? If you seek out an attractive, but blind woman, your face would not be an impediment to a relationship. They’re just like you: human, with a “wrinkle.”

    I wish you well.

  21. TBH, I wouldn’t say anything about how much she means to me, nor would I disclose to anyone what I’m leaving to her. I’ve seen families fighting and not speaking about the Will & the person was still alive. I’m sure everyone can tell how much you care for each other. I think it does seem a bit creepy to verbalize it. If something happens to you & she’s still underage is there a way you can leave everything in a trust or something until she becomes of age?

  22. Off topic, what do you think about pets?

    Dog is a great way to get out of the house, cats are more house bound if you like that more.

    Their love is pure and Unconditional. Yes, cats are assholes, but they do love.

  23. One foot in front the other. Make it until she’s 18 and you can Will her your estate without approval from anyone.
    Then make it until her college graduation.
    Then you need to see her get married and make some nieces and nephews for you to spoil. Or see her achieve her dreams.
    Along the way do things to make yourself happy. Find a group maybe of persons with similar hobbies, interests, issues and therapy isn’t out of the question. You’re awesome and kids can see past the superficial so you’re likely to have a skewed view of yourself and just need to angle the mirror a bit better to see yourself.

  24. I am so sorry for how people think i r a creep and called the polic on u but trust me u r not a creep. U should not feel like a creep. All u want is leave will to ur niece. Its not like u want anything inappropriate from her whoch would make someone a creep. U think of her as a daughter. U r such a wholesome person. Do not let stupid people get to u. Do not let them make u believe u r a creep because u know u r not. I dont think the aunt will find it creepy. Just tell her, u want to do it because u think of her as ur daughter. I m pretty sure she will be fine with it and probably even thankful. U need to improve ur self esteem. I dont know what to say in that area because i myself do not have that gud of a self esteem but yeah. Improving ur self esteem would help u a lot in ur life.

  25. There’s no need to tell them about your will, and it sounds a bit manipulative if you talk about it.

    Your will needs details about who will hold the money in trust before the child is of legal age, or the age you want her to have the money. The trustee could be a lawyer but they will need to be paid. Another trusted relative is also a possibility.

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