Sunday, March 26, 2023
HomeRelationship AdviceHow can I help my husband after seeing his reddit post?

How can I help my husband after seeing his reddit post?

My husband is very down and he gets like this at least once every 6 months or so. I’m a very happy, upbeat person and I really want to help him but I don’t know what the are the right things to do or say. I just tell him its not so bad, lets fix the problems but it doesn’t help.

He said before he left for work today “Ever have then days where you just want to veer your car off a cliff”

Just to add we’ve been together 17 years since we were teens. We’ve both grown and been through so much. There were years we went through where we both lost a parent, when we couldn’t afford to put food on the table, where we went through job after job. Life is good at the moment compared to what we’ve been through in the past.

His post

“”I’m fed up with work, it’s exceptional high demands, and the expectation for me to be a genius when in reality I’m still learning because I’ve not had a mentor in years who supports my growth. I am constantly belittled, denied help, and overall the piss is thoroughly taken.

My kids just don’t listen. They don’t help around the house which is basic human decency. They just want to spend their lives pissing it up the wall watching YouTube and being on their phones to their friends. They don’t care for me or their Mum. They just take and take and won’t follow our rules. We’ve tried to be nice, to be strict, to take things away, to bribe… Nothing works and I’m at my end. I’m sure they don’t love me anymore.

My family are non-existant. My uncle is a raging alcoholic who has been bed bound for months (but can still somehow source alcohol). My Grandma takes advantage of my Dad as her primary care, taking him away from his retirement and time with his Grandkids because “Mum can’t go to bed herself”. My brother is a diagnosed schizophrenic who is extremely difficult to handle. I haven’t seen my nephew in God-knows how long. My Dad has all bit disappeared because of his own stresses…

We wanted to buy a few properties as an investment for when our kids grew up, but cost of living has gone up so much I’m not sure we can even afford it anymore.

Everything costs more. They tried to more than double our gas and electric, which is extortionate. It’s ridiculous.

My back hurts. My hip hurts. My neck hurts. I’m falling apart and I’m only 34. I worry that I’m going to be a burden for everyone.

My memory scares me. I’m forgetting things all the time and it’s a huge worry. Simple things, but it’s pissing off those around me to the point where it’s noticeable. It’s getting worse and I don’t know what to do.

I’m studying an apprenticeship at the minute and I am so behind I’m worried they’ll kick me off the course.

Thank God I have my wife. She’s my best friend and I wouldn’t know what I would do without her. She’s a rock and I’m so lucky she’s in my life. But even she’s at her wits end with her own family, the kids and everything else in the world.

I’m sure I’m depressed.””

TLDR: Husband thinks he’s depressed (again), how do I help.

Edit: I just wanted to pop back and say thank you for all the replies. I’ve suggested therapy for him for many, many years. He won’t go, he just says “I don’t want to be like my family” who all have a history of depression and other mental health problems. I’ve also suggested sex therapy but it was again dismissed. I unfortunately can’t make him go but I can and will suggest it again.

View Reddit by funnypumpkinView Source



  1. Don’t take it lightly, sadly my brother wrote a very similar right before ending himself last year.
    He is pro and con the reason to stay.
    it’s really hard. Watch his 6.
    Best of luck

    Semper Fi

  2. The best way is to approach him with care and understanding.

    “Hey hubs.
    You really seem to be struggling at the moment with feeling depressed and being really down. I’m really sorry that you’re feeling this way, and I would love to be here for you, and to help you get the help you need to feel better.
    Can we make an appointment for you with a doctor and with a psychologist so you don’t have to keep feeling this way?
    Would you like to speak to me about what is happening?
    Is there something I can do to help you?”

    And then just really helping and focusing on him. Maybe taking over his chores. Maybe recommending that he take time off work. Maybe discussing taking the kids to your parents for awhile. But just really showing him that you see him, you hear him, and you love him as well as are willing to help him get the things he needs to feel better.

    Its also tough for you, so reach out to friends and possibly a psychologist for you as well.

    Reach out to a suicide hotline if you’re feeling overwhelmed or need help on what steps to take next. You’re not alone in this. ❤️

    Wishing you guys all the best and love.

  3. A couple of things.

    1. As a teen myself, sometimes we don’t realize we’re being assholes to our parents. Have a rational talk with them about helping out more. Being stern if they refuse isn’t wrong at all.
    (Also maybe encourage him to try spending more time with your children, to try and connect to them more)

    2. Please please take your husband seriously. Maybe you mis-phrased it but “my husband thinks he’s depressed again” seems very dismissive. Depressive episodes are a thing and they’re serious. Depressive disorders have highs and lows. Just because it isn’t a constant feeling doesn’t mean it isn’t real, genuine, or serious.

    3. He sounds overwhelmed. If it’s at all possible, maybe a break, just the two of you, could be good. Without the kids if possible. A vacation, doesn’t have to be expensive, doesn’t even have to be a far trip. Find a nice hotel in your town and stay for a few days. Go on a small road trip. If this isn’t possible, maybe try and find some alone time a couple times a week and get away just the two of you and go on little dates or go to the movies. Maybe that will help him feel less trapped and overwhelmed by adult life.

    4. Last but not least: Rather than a therapist, encourage him to schedule an appointment with his regular doctor. Encourage him to discuss his recent memory issues with them, to either eliminate his fears regarding it or to get help if there is an issue. Also encourage him to mention his recent issues regarding the feelings of depression. A doctor will be better educated on possible treatment methods, and may be able to offer an idea that he could be comfortable with. Remind him that therapy isn’t permanent, and it ranges a lot. Text, call, video call, in person etc.

  4. Holy crap. First of all, you made it very easy to find your husband’s profile.

    He’s been talking about how his work destroys him for YEARS. Is there any way he can re-orient himself career wise?

    Also, have you sorted out the dead bedroom issue, and more importantly the communication issue? A quote from him about 5 months ago:

    >I need to feel wanted. This is breaking my heart. I want her to want me. We can’t talk about it because whenever I bring it up, she says “don’t start an argument”, or “do we have to do this now”. **There is no communication.**

  5. for starters, you saying “it’s not that bad” is completely invalidating his feelings. you need to have a genuine concern when he says things like these. but i say i’m gunna do some dumb stuff all the time as i guess a metaphor(?) it’s important to understand, or at least try to understand when someone is being serious or not. and since you know that this occurs every 6 months or so it would be best to consider nothing he says lightly during these time periods. if he does not want to talk about it at least try to comfort him in anyway possible that isn’t trying to pry at his feelings.

    i’d strongly suggest therapy or at minimum visiting a psychiatrist. someone mentioned that it could be either BPD or seasonal depression. i don’t know all that much about BPD but seasonal depression is as real as it gets. my ex had seasonal depression and times got really rough but i always made sure that i was on top of it. i’d see if she wanted to chat, if no i’d ask if she wants to vent about her day or maybe some lighter problems that are easier to talk about. i’d make sure she’s keeping up with meds/therapy while also being comfortable with doing these things.

    this is my advice but i’m sure there’s a lot more in the comments for you. he’s not alone, and that’s important for people to understand. but right now he most likely feels very isolated and unwanted by the people around him on top of being “in a hole” i’ll call it. please handle this situation seriously. this stuff isn’t a joke anymore, suicide rates are climbing faster then ever and we all as humans need to try to be on top of the people we love to make sure they get the help they need.

    good luck OP

  6. This is how I felt right before I had a very scary suicidal ideation. Some people have attempted at this point. He needs a therapist, a diet, a trainer, or medicine. Or some combination of the 4.

  7. He’ll end up exactly like his family if he doesn’t go to therapy. I say this not knowing what his family is like, aside from what’s in the post. He knows he has issues. He is aware of his declining mental state. Therapy and meds may not be a magic elixir to fix everything, but it’ll help.

  8. The fact that he seems to be more depressed every 6 months plus the memory loss problem is making me think about bipolar disorder or seasonal depression maybe
    Anyway I’ll urge him to go see a therapist, he really needs professional help at this point

  9. > I just tell him its not so bad, lets fix the problems but it doesn’t help.

    Yeah that’s only going to make him worse. “It’s not so bad” makes the person feel like they shouldn’t exist anymore because they must be broken if they feel bad.

    > I’m fed up with work, it’s exceptional high demands, and the expectation for me to be a genius when in reality I’m still learning because I’ve not had a mentor in years who supports my growth

    Legit complaint. I had a similar issues in years past. Yes, it messes with your head big time. He needs a different job but probably sees you happy for the stability and so he stays quiet.

    > My kids just don’t listen. They don’t help around the house which is basic human decency

    Depending on their ages this is also a legit complaint. What are you two doing to parent? Are you the fun parent? Why don’t they have chores to do with electronics not given until after chores are completed?

    > My family are non-existant

    This is a huge deal especially because you said his mother is dead. Why did you say before that times are good? It sounds like this guy has all the weight on him and you’re not paying attention to how bad his side of life is.

    > Everything costs more. They tried to more than double our gas and electric, which is extortionate. It’s ridiculous.

    Legitimate. Costs are higher, which makes the first point worse because he doesn’t feel like he can leave his job.

    > My back hurts. My hip hurts. My neck hurts. I’m falling apart and I’m only 34.

    Yall need to look at better beds. And work/family stress will add to that.

    > My memory scares me. I’m forgetting things all the time and it’s a huge worry.

    Stress will cause that.

    > Thank God I have my wife. She’s my best friend and I wouldn’t know what I would do without her. She’s a rock and I’m so lucky she’s in my life

    Well it’s good he thinks highly of you

    > But even she’s at her wits end with her own family, the kids and everything else in the world.

    > I’m sure I’m depressed.

    So you need to take an active role in helping with the issues concerning him. Cutting costs at home, looking if you want any new jobs (don’t have to if you like yours), cutting drama out, taking away kids’ electronics.

    Seriously I don’t get why parents give their kids smartphones. They don’t need to be on phones constantly. You’re early 30s so you’re kids are what like 10? Too young for uncontrolled access to the internet. Old enough to vacuum.

  10. Hug him, love him, insist that you will support him to sort out at least the shit he and you can control as short and long term goals and absolutely take him to a doctor/therapist/psychologist as an this week priority.

  11. TLDR: my husband “thinks” he’s depressed again.. What do you mean “thinks”? Your husband is on the verge of killing himself he’s already having suicidal thoughts get him some professional help. You being happy and cheerful isn’t going to do anything.

  12. He sounds depressed and a therapist and professional would really be the best option.

    Also if you aren’t sure what to say to your husband, say nothing at all. Your “it’s not so bad” and “let’s just fix it” comment shows a real lack of empathy. Especially your “he’s depressed (again)” comment.

    If it was something he could control, certainly he’d change it.

    I recommend therapy, for **both** of you. You could probably use some insight on what it’s like dealing with mental illness.

    Also, according to your post history, you are not happy in your marriage and it’s been like this for awhile. You sound almost annoyed or inconvenienced by his depression and my guess is your resentful that he’s not helping himself. Sometimes it’s not that easy. I think therapy would be extremely helpful for you both.

  13. I am sorry to hear this. The whole situation has to be hard for the both of you.

    But at least he is aware you love and support him and that he admits to himself he might be depressed. This is a good starting point. I am sure this will make going forward from here easier. Plus, it seems like consolation to you. You seem to be on the right path.

    You mention he “thinks he’s depressed (again)”, so has he had therapy before?

    As most of his troubles are actual problems with complex layers, mostly outside of his control, therapy seems to be the best way to start. It would be vital to find a thearpist he feels comfortable to talk to, maybe even a systemic therapist, so your kids could get involved later on – if this option exists for you.

    Maybe try to get out of the house, try to do something calming and get the conversation out in the open. How all his worries are legitimate but how his emotional handling points towards depression. It doesn’t have to be as hard and professional help is the best way to get better from there.

    I hope you will be able to discuss this with him and that he will find someone he works well with. Wishing you all the best!

  14. He needs some professional help for how his feeling.
    You should talk to the kids about being kinder to dad and making more effort to help him around the house.
    Have a chat to him about goals again and set some that are realistic and attainable, clearly money is stressing him so look at ways to help ease his mind, you can help kids get house deposits but not buy house for them.

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  16. Im not worried about his memory, like he is himself. Could be a side effect of stress or depression or both, or lack of sleep. I am worried about how hopeless he thinks his situation is. I think he needs professional help.

    Besides trying to get him some professional help, there are things you can do in the mean time. Talk to him, about his job. This seems to be a big stressor. Talk to him about the children, what are your expectations of them, what are his expectations, what you can do to have them help more, those kind of things. How old are they? Can you take some of your husband’s tasks away? Does he put pressure on himself, has too high of a standard, can you lower this by telling him your expectations of him?

    And sometimes actions do more than words. Give him a long hug. Make time for listening to him, for undevided attention.

    Also,.it might be easier for him to talk if he doesn’t have to look at you? My favourite is walking. You walk next to eachother, don’t have to look at eachother, are still in contact, doesn’t see the emotions on your face so he can focus on only his own emotions and thoughts, and, if your body has a rhythm (walking), your brain tends to follow and thoughts flow more easily. Also, being outside works well against depression. Vitamin D is acquired through sunlight on the skin, which helps against a lot of things, amongst which is seasonal depression. Smelling things, the light, the wind, tasting the season, all help get you in the here and now, which also helps against depression. If he is depressed, it’s going to be hard for him to do the things that are good for him to do, so, make him. This is easier if he thinks it’s a good idea, just doesn’t see himself doing it at the moment.

  17. This read like something I would write when I have another major depression. Half is usualy exaggerated but it stems from having an utterly dark and negative mindset at the time.

    He says this online because he uses Reddit to vent about it. Like how some people vent/nag against a friend or mumble to themselves. Don’t take it personal or as the truth, but take it serious.

    In his eyes, the only positive thing left in his life is you. It will be tough to get him out of his dark and negative thoughts, but you can do it. Organise family outings, buy him something he really likes, get him his favourite food he hasn’t eaten in a while. Distract him because it sounds like he’s very close to… something I’d rather not say.

    Prove to him he has a life worth living.

    Best of luck <3

  18. >He won’t go, he just says “I don’t want to be like my family” who all have a history of depression and other mental health problems.

    But he will be MORE like his family if he doesn’t go to therapy and get treated for the mental health problems he already has. Seeing a therapist doesn’t make mental health issues all of a sudden appear, they don’t zap them into your brain on your first appointment. Seeing a therapist will help him be in control of them which he currently is not.

  19. I know this may sound trivial, but I’ve Seen it work!


    The dose of oxytocin, the relaxation, the pain relief! So much benefit with minimal change in your daily life. I’ve been doing it for 7 years and I’ve seen people’s whole lives turn around! Plus it’s a bit of a date thing for you both! Get yourself a membership somewhere and go OFTEN! Start with twice a month! He’ll notice a difference in two! I promise!

    Since he’s on a breakdown and physically hurting I’d recommend one a week for a month. It gets expensive, I So understand, but try seeking out coupons or holiday specials in your area. I recommend couples bc if he is shy about therapy this will Def make him squirm of he’s never done it. If the money is too tight just get him some gift cards! Go talk to a local LMT. Talk to them, tell them what’s up. And see if they’ll offer you a discount for buying bulk gift cards. (I always do!!)
    In the US it is a tipped service jsyk so you don’t rub them wrong(hehee) in case you weren’t aware.

    Sending good thoughts! Give it a try! There is Zero risk!

  20. 1. It’s bizarre to post this from an account he knows instead of just talking to *him*. It feels weirdly like you want to signal to your husband that you care while not having to put the effort into actually showing it. On the flipside he posted on an account he knows you know instead of talking to you about it asking for help. His description couldn’t scream louder than he feels alone in all of this, the short passage about how you’re a rock or whatever doesn’t reflect that at all and I’m pretty sure he only added it because he knew you’d read it. You guys are married with kids. Talk. To. Each other. Not about each other.

    2. *I* have depression every now and then, or to be correct, depressive mood swings as part of my cyclothymia. The thing is, they’re entirely unwarranted. Whether I’m in hypomanic or in depressed moods has nothing to do with what’s happening in my life. Your husband has more than enough reasons to be depressed and when he gets is every 6 months or so this should probably be called a psychological breakdown. Not everyone starts sobbing and ripping their hair out during these, for people who’re turned mostly inwards, showing it outwardly can signal a breakdown as well.

    3. You can help him by changing the situation. Just “being there for him” obviously isn’t enough. He’s unsatisfied with this, he’s unsatisfied with that – is there anything he isn’t unhappy about? You guys need to work together to make your life better one step at a time. Who’s gonna be happy in both a dysfunctional work and home life? Fix either of these then the other one, *you* only have control over one though.

    4. Memory issues are a symptom of the burnout type of depression. Burnout can result in a psychotic break, you need to get your husband into therapy.

  21. sometimes depression is genuinely a reaction to a shitty situation. after reading that you have children, a home, finances for other potential property and people who love you… is he trying to save himself??

    is every morning just wake up coffee, shower work. Does he get enough sleep? does he drink enough water, eat healthy foods. Stretch at all??? is he overweight? underweight? have any hobbies? free time used not making money? Did he disconnect himself from his children to focus on work?

    nothing in this life is worth spending 40+ hours a week on, not even if youre getting paid. Youll die before you see the benefits. It sounds like hes destroyed himself, at 34 and wasnt doing anything the past 15 years to improve his mental well being. Its not entirely obvious that when youre unhealthy, its actually quite disturbing to the hidden systems. Like when you have a cavity, your brains response to other stimuli is different. Same thing when youre depressed, AND the consistent garbage treatment of working full time, everyday for decades without the proper force in the opposite direction (strengthening body, conditioning mind, disciplining the self) usually yields a person far from their potential

  22. Watch him watch him watch him. Literally get him some help, or get out of the house more often and go to nature preserves and walk/talk. My uncle would joke about this, and literally right before he was killed, he was spotted by my mom and step dad blowing through stop signs on the way to work.. and one day his Prius blew through a stop sign in the dead of winter and was smacked by a semi. Do not take it lightly if he is constantly talking about dying.

  23. Therapy. He needs to get himself to therapy & find out what the heck is wrong with him, respectfully.
    I am a very active person, so there were a few years that I didn’t have enough challenges in life & was goi crazy. He Just needs to find what’s not working for him and change it

  24. At a certain point what do you do? An ex of mine passed and I’ll never know if the overdose was on purpose or accidental.

    People are like oh no get him help so and so killed themselves because we overlooked the signs. Well he had signs, he wouldn’t get help for years when he was with me so I left him.

    At first I was like maybe if I had stayed with him, maybe if I pushed more, maybe maybe maybe.

    But then I had to accept it wasn’t me. It wasn’t his family. It wasn’t society. It was him. It was his choice and he made it and there is, and was, nothing I could do about it.

  25. “I don’t want to be like my family.” I totally get that. It’s why I ignored my mental health for so long and thought if I fought it hard enough in my own, I could get past it. Guess what, that doesn’t work. So following a mental breakdown, I checked myself into a partial hospitalization program. I worked at it for weeks. I got a proper diagnosis. When I was released, I kept going to individual therapy weekly. I stayed on my meds. I keep working on myself. Bettering myself. Admitting that I have mental illness. I take ownership of it. That is what makes me different than my family. I may have been given shitty genes and raised in an environment where I didn’t learn basic coping skills, but that doesn’t mean that I have to sit in the pool of my own sadness. I can splash around in it awhile, but I know I can get out of it because I’m NOT my family. I have the skills to be better than that.

  26. Here’s the thing OP, you can’t. In your other posts you detail how you’ve done everything you can to help him, but he will not go to therapy and that is what he needs. You are not a mental health professional. You’ve exhausted most of the things that you can do to help him as his wife, but you can not be his therapist. And he probably needs both a psychiatrist and a therapist at this point.

    If he makes more comments or behaviors that indicate he is considering unaliving himself, then you should absolutely move for a 51 50. It’s not something to undertake lightly, but if he is a danger to himself or others then you have to do it.

    You also, however, have needs. It seems you may be suffering from compassion fatigue from all this, which is completely valid. I would encourage you to go into therapy to help you not just to help your husband, but for yourself. Often a spouse can lose themselves in helping their partner. You also have needs and a therapist can help you balance helping your partner and your kids, but also listening to yourself and your own needs.

  27. Stop telling him ‘it’s not that bad’ immediately. He needs to be seen, as soon as you acknowledge what’s he’s feeling he’ll turn to you with the problems he’s now writing here.

    From your point of view things have improved but his family and job are horrible. What you can do as a partner and a mom is inspire your kids to do something nice for their dad. They do love him of course, he needs to feel that they do. Give them hints, make them want to be nice to him. He’s in desperate need for your love and theirs, asap.

    Take him seriously(!!!), do what a family does when one is in need. Shower with love and spoil this man.

  28. So other than the job part this sounds like something my husband could have written himself. I hate it. I wish I could help and I had the words to guide you. Sadly I know this life and I’m not sure what to do either!

  29. He would be differentiating from his family ego mass via therapy. Breaking the legacy of trauma ( and inherited trauma) by healing. Healing has a positive ripple effect for everyone around the healed. It’s not a question of a person “needing” therapy, it’s that his life would absolutely benefit from it.

  30. Your husband is at risk, definitely. You can tell though that he wants help and knows that he needs it – otherwise he wouldn’t be posting on Reddit or telling you about driving the car off a cliff. Therapy is hard to start but once it’s started, the change you’ll see is phenomenal. A good way to phrase the therapy talk, when it comes to your husband not wanting to be like his other family members: “then let’s break the cycle, together”.

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