I’m currently make more and I pay most of the rent and cover all the other bills + groceries. My wife will pay when we get take out and we split house shops 50/50. We each have our separate accounts and fun money, but she’ll send me her share whenever anything is due. This is usually her initiative and it’s never an issue.
I have a debt liability of 1400 p/m that’s eating into my savings so im losing 600 every month. My wife has 400 to pay off monthly but she’s saving 200-300 monthly.
I had to pay the initial security deposit and first month’s rent in advance, my wife didn’t want to use her inheritance money (around 12k) which is for emergencies only.
I agreed because the decision to move to a new country was for my job and my wife had to quit her job and move abroad with me. It was a tough thing to ask her to move away from her family and I thought the least I could do is handle the majority of finances.
Unfortunately, the cost of living is becoming too much and I need some support financially going forward.
How do I bring this up without sounding like I’m begging or going back on my word to both her and her father?
Edit Update: wife came over and asked what’s happening (possibly due to my demeanor or she just sensed it). I let her know I think we’re stretching too much financially and showed her the excel sheet (it has a lot of red). I asked her if she was willing to pay 200-300 more and I updated the excel sheet in front of her. All the red turn into yellow (positive cash flow but below savings goal) and some greens (meeting/above saving goal. She just said okay thats doable and gave me a kiss/hi five. Then suggested that once she’s done with her college payments next year she can contribute all that money (400) to our expenses.
Life is good. Still broke but seemingly our relationship is healthy and supportive
I think you should post this in the financial advice thread because from the math you laid out, neither of you can afford your lives right now. Whether she pays more or not you’ll both be broke, 12k is not that much if she dipped into her savings you’d get about a 6 month reprieve before going back into debt. I think you need to sit down together, lay out all your bills, and then discuss your next steps because this isn’t a feasible way to live. Just tell her you’re losing money each month and soon won’t be able to afford your rent, but you might have to make some tough life decisions.
Why do you have debt? Is that debt for both of you or is it just your debt?
I don’t think she has to spend her inheritance because she followed you to another country because of your job. First, inheritances are not marital assets. Second, if you took a job that didn’t pay you enough to live, then why did you move? That was a bad financial decision. Third, she should be investing that money and making it grow, and like she said, use it just in case of emergencies, not to live.
You should be both contribute a % of your salaries to joint expenses and have a joint account from where you pay for everything that’s a joint expense.
Golly, just imagine the amount of anxiety you could have eliminated early on by just having a simple conversation with your Wife.
…lesson learned?
Me and my husband had the same issue except I was the bread winner. You have to realize that you two are a team and the amount you bring does not mean anything. You both work full time jobs. Regardless of who makes what you need to put it all together, pay the bills and set a allowance amount that is equal. Sit down with eachother and make a list with all of what you both agree are shared bills, then any personal purchases can be made with the allowance. Our bill list include gas, groceries, haircuts, dental appointments all stuff that is necessary. Her student loans should be included into the shared bills as well. The key to a happy financial marriage is equality no matter what.
Your wife is doing a lot for your relationship. Moving abroad and having to find work. Paying a greater portion of her salary then you are even though you both moved because of you.
I hope you make it up to her in other ways.
Honestly I think reading her a version of this post would be a good idea. What you have put here are the financial facts, your compassion to her situation of moving abroad for you, and a reasonable request of figuring out *together* how to ease your financial load during this current period of time.
That’s great
Seems you found your answer open communication. Happy for you
My wife and I have thrown all our money into the same shared pot from day one.
Just be honest and explain it like posted.
Time to break out a spread sheet (list all the income and expenses) and show her the problem.
You are married what is all this hers and mine talk? Throw your money into one big pile and pay your bills with it. I make double what my wife makes but it’s all our money, because of this we never really fight about finances.
You might want to talk over how you can start working as a team
So you earn more and are losing every month while your wife, who earns less, is saving? How does that make any sense whatsoever.
She needs to start pulling her weight, and you both need to cut back on spending
Tell her to contribute more.
Need to be on the same financial team. Look at personal finance subs for suggestions.
I am a happily married old guy. I am completely shocked that couples don’t just automatically move everything to a joint when they get married. It’s worked perfectly well for us for decades. Regardless of income levels all money is considered our money. All spending decisions are joint. I am happy for your good outcome but surprised that you needed something resolved.
Combine everything. Once it’s all both of yours, make a rule like “if it costs more than $75, we’ll run it past the other. When you’re married, everything should be “ours”…
Lucky you man. I have been asking for my fiance to contribute more and I’m having issues. She doesn’t make as much as I do and I’ve told her that she needs to start helping out. I told her I didn’t care if it was paying a few bills or paying for groceries. Whatever help she can give is greatly appreciated. But something always comes up between her horses getting sick or the bank messing up on her car loan, etc.
Tell that hoe how it is and be a man
Hey yknow how I pay for almost everything? Yeah nah your gon have to contribute now or I’m good off you
You dont.
I was married for 11 years to a woman who was super controlling of the finances. The moment she started making even the SMALLEST amount of money, she began to think her shit dont stink and I wasnt making enough to be a real man.
My case was pretty bad, but Ive seen the same things in a great many women in the 21st century.
I dont think that there is really anything you can do outside of marriage therapy that wont make her resent you in this regard.
If you dont ‘provide’ according to her sliding scale of what provision looks like from a man forna woman, than youre not a ‘real man’.
Id go to therapy asap.
Financial reasons are the number 1 issue for divorce, and women are far and away the greater consumer than men by and large.
Best of luck. I mean it.
Get thereapy. She probably wont listen to you.
So many people here on the womans side. No wonder this world is fucked. She sounds lazy and greedy
Divorce, take half her stuff.
It’s not a healthy marriage if you’re coming To us for advice when you can easily communicate about this topic with your wife. Do urself a favour and make open communication a norm in ur relationship