Sunday, March 26, 2023
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How do I [29F] talk to my husband [31M] of 12 years about going on a girl’s weekend trip without him?

Going to shows is one of my favorite pastimes, and something I have done long before we met. He considers this a waste of money, especially to see the same band multiple times, and ones who he considers “talentless” and ”cringy”. I have gone to countless local shows (solo), and invited him to join and he has always declined the invite. However, he’d prefer it if I didn’t go at all. I have for the most part stopped inviting him.

Now one of my longtime favorite bands who I have never seen will be playing at the When We Were Young Fest and when it was announced, I put two tickets on the waitlist (with my own separate money)….. and I never told him (I didn’t think it would happen at the time and I was too scared to bring it up). A few months ago I got the tickets. I couldn’t be more elated. I would love nothing more than to go with my BFF [F30] from college who also loves the same bands and embraces the identity of an “emo kid” like me. My husband doesn’t like any band on the set list.

When I won tickets I told my husband about a month after, and he became upset. I made it clear that he was the first person I told, I haven’t made any plans yet. I am so excited I got tickets, and I would love to go, but want to make sure he is as comfortable as possible. I also apologized for not saying anything sooner and going behind his back.

I prefaced this by saying I will do anything to help him feel comfortable and feel assured that I am safe. He will have my location, know the itinerary, and I will check in regularly throughout the trip. I would like to talk with him about other ways I can help him feel comforted.

He commented that “If you want to act like you’re single then go be single.” He is upset at a number of things including: I never told him about it in the first place, it is a weekend away without him, I didn’t consider inviting him first, Vegas is dangerous, he doesn’t like my friend from college because she is annoying to him, I gave very short notice, I wasted too much money, it is next weekend and it’s very spontaneous, and he feels left out and betrayed. He hasn’t spoken to me in the last 24 hours.

I want to go so badly, but I also want him to feel secured. A concert isn’t worth throwing away everything. I knew he wouldn’t take the news very well, but I feel his reaction is quite extreme.

Any suggestions of how I can give him reassurance or navigate the discussion further?

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  1. My long time GF and I do a lot of things together, but sometimes we do activities by ourselves or with friends.

    A few years back, she wanted to go see Lizzo a second time, so I bought her a couple of tickets so she could invite a friend. They went to the show and had a good time. I met up with a guy friend of mine and we went to the race track the same day, he and I had dinner afterwards, and swapped lies about our driving exploits.

    She has also traveled to visit one of her friends in other states, and on a few occasions, she will fly to another country to visit.

    Neither of us consider this “acting single.” We know we enjoy different things from time to time, so we go on our own. That prevents us from dragging our partner to something they wouldn’t enjoy, and prevents us from feeling smothered in the relationship.

    We’re adults, we trust each other. I don’t want to be my partners chaperone. And honestly, if we needed chaperones, we would have ended the relationship long ago.

    About the only thing I would comment on is that your communication between each other could use some improvement. If my GF wants to go with friends to do something, we talk about it immediately. It’s not a permission thing. Its because we respect each other and want to make sure we aren’t making plans that get in the way of something else we wanted to do together. We keep a shared google calendar to keep track of all this stuff to make it easier. Last minute things do pop up, and that’s not a problem; perhaps we reschedule our date night dinner out. However, I would be annoyed if she told me with only a few days notice about something that she would have known about for months.

  2. You will regret it if you don’t do it. A partner should be someone that doesnt shame your hobbies, loves to share things with you sometimes eventhough they’re not that much into it (just to share something you love, sometimes) and gives you freedom (going on a trip alone or with a friend once in a blue moon should NOT be a problem)

  3. I find it off how long you waited to mention the trip to him. I also find it concerning that you fear talking to your husband about your hobbies and interests. It’s okay to like different things it’s weird that you fear bringing it up to him. I’m not sure what you should do about the trip but as far as your marriage you guys need to have some serious conversations and if your husband refuses to acknowledge you or value open communication then you might not be a good fit.

  4. Your spouse sounds like my ex husband. Part of the reason he’s my ex. He tried to control me by being negative about what I was interested in and put it down.

    It gets hella old.

  5. There’s a huge issue with you being fearful about telling your husband. You should want to share good news about ur hobbies with your significant other, not hide them in fear of how they will react. It’s also weird how he doesn’t approve/like a hobby therefore doesn’t want you to have an interest anymore, or like you spending your own money on it. He’s trying to control how much you spend, what you spend it on, when you go out, and why you go out. Also your husband doesn’t like your friend and doesn’t want you going with her because he finds her annoying?? Seems like he wants to cut you off from those he doesn’t approve. Has he tried to control who you are in contact with and get you to cut people out that he doesn’t like? I think you should go to the concert, and create a support system just in case anything happens when you return. Talk to your therapist about how you feel towards your husband and what he’s doing, they could help.

  6. To show you how unhealthy your relationship is, this is how I told my partner I was going on girlfriend trips:

    After lockdowns were over and we had gotten vaccinated (first 2 shots): “Woman friend and I are thinking of getting a cabin at the lake in May. We haven’t seen each other for 2 years due to the pandemic! She wants to drive here (5 hours) and we can get a cabin 1.5 hours north of here.”

    My partner: “That sounds awesome!”

    A few years ago:

    “Woman friend and I are going to the same work conference in Ireland! We want to stay an extra day to do some sight seeing. Then, she has a work meeting in the Netherlands and she asked if I wanted to join. Then we though of going to Paris for 5 days on vacation.”

    My partner: That sounds like a great opportunity to travel! (We are in America, so the flights and lot of other stuff would be paid for our works).

    Yeah. Your partner is an AH. And for the record, if my partner told me not to go for dumb reasons, I’d tell him to fuck off and we’d be over.

  7. *Something I have done long before we met.* So he knew this is a thing for you and has no place to complain.

    *ones who he considers “talentless” and ”cringy”.* Well he can fuck right off and not attend. What a shitty thing to say about your spouse’s interests.

    *I was too scared to bring it up* This right here is a massive sign to get out. Never, ever, EVER should you be AFRAID to be yourself and – for fucks sake – buy tickets to a concert. Seriously, Person. When you are SCARED to do something everyday and perfectly reasonable, are you even…safe?

    ‘Acting single’? How about acting like an adult with her own interests and friends? Why is a concert (a small thing) so fucking scary and challenging to him? Add to that the silent treatment, which is never EVER acceptable.

    Your husband is a controlling dick and is acting like a petulant child. If he doesn’t know, after 12 years, that you guys are good, then I don’t know what to tell you.

    You don’t have a ‘weekend away’ problem, you have a controlling husband problem.

  8. He would prefer that you didn’t go at all to concerts, something you enjoy. Why?

    He is dismissive of the things you like.

    You want to make sure he is comfortable. With what? What is there about an adult person going to a concert with their same-gender friend that would make any reasonable person uncomfortable?

    Doing something without his express permission is not “going behind his back.” It’s making your own plans. This is normal, as long as you eventually fill them in.

    Why does he equate you doing things with your friends with “acting single”?

    Why is he responding to a conflict with sustained silent treatment?

    You want him to feel secure. Well that’s not your job in this case, because a reasonable partner would have been completely fine with this. He’s being insecure, controlling, jealous, unreasonable.

    You should go on this trip with your friend. And when you get home, you should go deep into these issues in individual therapy. Talk to your friends and family about the issues you guys have been having so you can get some outside perspective, as I guarantee there are a lot of things that you don’t realize are completely inappropriate (like this one). Let me guess — he doesn’t like when you talk to your friends and family about him?

    This doesn’t sound like a healthy relationship. It sounds borderline emotionlly abusive.

  9. Has he always been this way? Do you feel you would react similarly if he wanted to go?
    I can see waiting to tell him being an issue. It naturally raises red flags. But his immediate refusal also brings red flags.
    It honestly sounds like you guys need a lot more open communication.

  10. Honestly, if my husband acted disgusted and demeaned my musical tastes, I’d re-evaluate my marriage. Sure, my husband jokes about my “cringe emo days”, but he looks at me with absolute love when I’m belting out Avenged Sevenfold. I feel like your husband would turn off your music and tell you to shut the eff up. He has a right to feel “left out”, but he should also at least acknowledge that it’s a consequence of being a demeaning Debbie downer.

  11. These answers are ridiculous. I have been married for 16 years and neither of us would have an issue with the other going to a concert we weren’t interested in with a friend. I would be far more concerned that your husband controls who you are friends with, ridicules your interests to the extent you were afraid to tell him about a concert you were excited about and is this upset about a girl’s weekend *which is such a normal thing it has a name*

  12. So your husband doesn’t like your music, doesn’t like your hobbies, doesn’t like your friends, and doesn’t see the need to put any of his dislikes aside for your happiness. It doesn’t sounds like he likes YOU all that much. I hope you love yourself enough to put that aside and go enjoy this festival!

    In all seriousness, I was in a marriage a lot like this. Walking on eggshells all day every day is no way to live, and someone who really cares for you would want to see you happy and fulfilled.

  13. How many awesome moments with friends are you supposed to give up so your husband can feel secure?

    Him feeling secure in your relationship is his job, not yours.

    Go to the concert, have fun, and reevaluate the relationship while you’re still young.

  14. You sound like you have to walk on eggshells around your husband. Is that generally true about social stuff or specific to concerts?

    Telling you that concerts are a waste or that going without him is acting single is some serious bullshit. A loving and supportive partner should be supportive of you doing relatively safe activities you are passionate about. Do you crap on activities he values?

  15. What a dick.

    I don’t know what there is to talk about. You’re an adult. You spent your money. You’re going to take a trip with a friend. This is all very normal.

    Hell, I (44F) just got home from a vacay with a friend. My partner (45M) was super supportive just like I am if he wants to have a guys weekend or something.

    Your husband just sounds like a jerk.

  16. Your husband sounds controlling and emotionally abusive. You should go to the concert and you need to tell your therapist about this. And your friend from college. It seems like this has gone on for so long you dont see how alarming his behavior is. Tell your friend. You need to hear the reality of this situation from people you trust not just strangers on the internet.

  17. A concert is not what is throwing away your relationship. Him being an insecure crybaby is what is ruining your relationship. As long as you know you truely do nothing wrong at concerts and such then this is 100% on him just being an assclown. Do not let this become concert vs marriage. Keep it his insecurities and bad manners vs your happiness. However, you really do need to quit hiding from that confrontation. Hiding only makes you look like part of a problem that isn’t your fault.

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