We (early 30s f+m) have been together for only 2 months. I wanted to give us a chance because he’s a genuinely awesome guy. But it’s just not working out.
We just have very different needs. For example he wants to text and keep in touch all the time while I’d be happier with texting every other day or so and he wants to see me every day while I’d be perfectly content with once a week if not less. It’s gotten to the point where it really stresses me out and I’m pretty sure it stresses him out as well that I can’t fulfill his needs.
So I want to end it. I just don’t know how. I’ve never ended a relationship with someone who hadn’t hurt me. I know that in the short time we were together he got incredibly attached and that it’s going to break his heart. I feel like it’s not fair for him to get hurt without having done anything wrong.
Any advice on how to do this?
Just be honest, the two of you aren’t compatible.
A person doesn’t have to have done anything “wrong” in order for a relationship not to be working. Please work on understanding this.
https://captainawkward.com/2016/12/26/927-928-gold-frankincense-myrrh-and-the-sweet-gift-of-breaking-up-with-folks-who-just-arent-right-for-you/
Dating is trying people out to see how they fit. You’ve dated for a couple of months, you’re realizing there isn’t a good fit here. That doesn’t make him a bad person, or you a bad person.
“I think our needs are not compatables for eachother and you do deserve someone who fufill your expactations, I hate to say that I’m not that person. That being said, You did’nt do anything wrong, and thank you for being so atenting to me”
The best thing you can do is be straight up and honest with him. Pain and Hurt comes from having the rug pulled out from under you. If he has to learn this over time or from feeling uncared for, just to learn you weren’t into it at the start, that will hurt him.
Honesty can be temporary pain, but betrayal or insincerity hurts like a bitch.
He will thank you in the long run for not wasting his time. And there’s nothing wrong with owning up that you don’t feel you could meet his needs. Look out for his best interest. If that means not dating him because you don’t feel compatible, then that love is still there. It’s just a pure one that’s willing to acknowledge when their best interest means not being with you. Love means letting go. You’re doing the right thing for both of you, and even if he won’t be able to see it during the convo, once he’s able to get some time to process and sit with this, he’ll probably be just as grateful.
I think you’ve just listed valid reasons for not being with someone. It’s not as if you have let this run on for years. It’s been 2 months and this is your early assessment of the relationship. You aren’t compatible.
I’d say to him what you just wrote there.
* try to break up with him as quickly and directly as possible. Don’t put it off or feel like you have to do it a certain way that requires you to wait (e.g. you might have heard that you are supposed to break up with somebody in person, but honestly, it’s way more important to just do it and get it over with than try and optimize for every little thing)
* try and break up with him after work, or before a weekend, so he has some time to process.
* practice a really simple script- “I have enjoyed getting to know you over these last two months, but we each need different things from a partner. Let’s end our relationship now to avoid hurt feelings down the line.” Say it out loud a couple of times, or write out what you want to say
* **DO NOT** try to soften the blow with gentle language (“I think,” “I feel like,” “right now,” etc) or try to offer to stay friends. While it may feel better to try and pad your statements or offer a consolation prize, it is just confusing and ends up hurting the person even more.
* remember that you are *informing* him that the relationship is over. This is not a negotiation. Do not get bogged down in trying to justify your reasoning. If he asks, you can *state* why one time, for the record, but after that, just keep repeating that you want to break up until you can exit his company.
* once you have broken up with him, offer to have a neutral party (friend or family member) drop off any of his stuff that you might have at your place
* don’t contact him again, and if he contacts you, limit your responses. While it might feel mean to ignore him, it is kinder in the long run not to confuse him or give him hope. Down the line, in a few months, if you have good reason to believe he has moved on successfully, you can talk to him, but right now, you need to leave him alone
* the bottom line is that there *is* no perfect way to break up with someone without hurting their feelings. It sucks, but the more quickly and clearly you can tell them, and the less confused and hopeful you leave them, the better. You will feel better when it’s done too.
Rip that bandaid off!
No one deserves to be hurt, but just consider how much worse it would hurt if you continued the relationship and ended up breaking up further down the line. Breakups aren’t fun, but you’ve come to realize that you guys need different things and that’s okay.
I’d just tell him that while you enjoyed getting to know him, that you’ve come to understand that you both need different things out of the relationship and are not compatible. Take it from there.
It’s only been two months. That’s NOTHING in terms of a long term relationship. That’s still easily in the period where you two are still figuring out if you’re compatible or not, which you clearly aren’t.
“You’re a fine person, but i’m realizing this relationship isn’t the one for me, so i’m gonna peace out. You deserve somebody who wants and appreciates the amount of attention you have to give, but that person isn’t me.”
Edit: Also, totally agree with /u/LaPantunflaLimpia10 .
>For example he wants to text and keep in touch all the time while I’d be happier with texting every other day or so and he wants to see me every day while I’d be perfectly content with once a week if not less.
IMO, this is far less communication than MOST people would be happy with. Are you sure you want a BOYFRIEND, as opposed too just some dude who will come around and fuck you three or four times a month? No judgment if that’s what you want, but you should be realistic with yourself and potential partners with what exactly you’re looking for.
Dont get a boyfriend if you dont want to be in touch with someone? Like really.
This is so eerily similar to the situation I’m in right now, I had to double check this wasn’t about me! Luckily the ages are off.
Are you fully sure you want to end things, or have you talked about compromising? As someone who gets attached like him very easily, a lot of the issue is anxiety and insecurity about being desired. Men especially are basically taught that we almost always have to be the suitor in relationships, and can often feel undesired when that doesn’t go both ways. Having someone I’m dating flat out say that they do feel strongly about me and the absence in communication isn’t them losing interest would solve so much insecurity.
Basically, I would not lead with you wanted to break up, but that you are feeling this difference in communication and it’s affecting you very negatively, to the point that you either need to break up, or he needs to be willing to compromise and accept that you do not want to be bombarded so often the way he wants to.
Just my personal thoughts on it though, if you are dead set on breaking up, just being as honest as possible is your best bet.
Imagine living with yourself when you are constantly annoyed and unhappy and do him the favour of setting him free.
Breakups like this seem more complicated but that’s coz women are expected to stay in spite of issues but it’s actually much easier since if this continued, you’d ruin both your lives. And his attachment is his responsibility as well as his reaction to you breaking it off, not yours. You’re both old enough to have enough empathy to put the other person first, which is what you should do with someone who hasn’t done anything wrong. Put him first because he obviously isn’t attached to YOU but likes his idea of you….. if someone didn’t wanna see me much, I’d feel super insecure and the longer it went on, the worse the effect would be and being responsible for someone needing therapy is a shitty thing. I would see it as kindness to him and yourself, guilt or obligation isn’t a basis for a relationship that you should strive for regardless and I’m sure he wouldn’t want that either 🙂
But it doesn’t matter how you do it, you can’t control his emotions or reaction or his fantasies. Do what you can by being honest and walk away coz you’re doing the right thing if this is how you’re feeling!
Seems that you’re just not into him so be honest and spare is feelings. Guys don’t like being “friend zoned” but it’s better than you meeting someone you really like and start lying to him and cheating. It happens. If he can’t accept it then that’s his choice.
“I’ve enjoyed getting to know you but this isn’t a good fit. Good luck!”
Seriously, you don’t have to tell him why, you don’t need to offer anything more than this just doesn’t feel like a good fit.
And it’s not unreasonable to want to see some 1-2 times a week and text or talk daily or every other day briefly. It’s smart to maintain your friendships and hobbies.
Are you me? I literally felt I was reading my own relationship here.
To be honest, I don’t think there’s any easy way to break it to him. I just had a sit down and told my ex that I didn’t see us as compatible on major aspects (i.e. finances). It really did suck because he was a sweet guy, and I definitely could have seen a future for us – but we were too different on important topics.
Sorry you have to go through this, OP 🙁 It won’t be fun, but I suggest just being respectfully honest, and the sooner the better.
Just tell him what you’re saying here. You’re not compatible and it’s not fair to either of you if you’re too socially/emotionally worn out and he feels neglected. But because there doesn’t seem to be any other problems besides personality, I wouldn’t say that still being friends is off the table. Your personalities just don’t mix that well in a romantic relationship.
It is inconsequential that he hasn’t done anything wrong. You don’t have to explain yourself. Just tell him it’s not working out for you. Period. Over.
Your username is depressed penguin.
Maybe this you is an example of you making yourself unhappy. Relationships are exhausting and it seems like you don’t want to date seriously. Or at least this guy.
You’ve got decide if the problem lies within you or him
This sounds very similar to a break up I had although my ex was initially very full on with me at the start and it was more of her knocking down the walls I had to get to know me, she was very obsessive to start with and I loved it but some things went wrong and not saying I was perfect but she admitted she was breaking up with the best person she’d been with. After this we tried again but said she was “too busy” to text me like she used to and gave me false hope and ultimately it was because she was talking to somebody else.
Question have you tried to come to some sort of middle ground?
Do you love each other? Or more so do you love him?
You’re in the honeymoon period but it doesn’t sound at all honeymooney so I could guess that you’re not that into him realistically you probably just like him because he’s an awesome guy I’m guessing?
Alls I can say is just be very respectful and honest. Don’t string a good guy along.
All the best to you
Have you tried communicating your feelings before you jump to breaking up? I feel like he must not be that awesome if you wouldn’t try to have a conversation about it first.
No offense, but these are probably things you should know and talk about before being with someone.
You must Talk to him and tell him exactly this what you said here. You can’t fulfill his needs and you must tell him also about how you Feel and what you think. Tell him He surely will find what He needs because He is a great guy but that person it is not you.
First of all, have you actually communicated to him about the issue you’re having with the relationship? Like does he know that you want less frequent communication and it’s overwhelming for you? He may not know it’s an issue and might be willing to scale it back if he cares about you. I would mention it to him first before deciding to break it off, especially if this is one of the only issues so far.
If you HAVE had a conversation with him already and you’ve communicated properly what exactly you would like from a relationship and there hasn’t been any change at all, then at that point you should break it off. Tell him that you don’t see you guys being compatible due to each of you having different ideas of how much time together/attention you think is right.
You will break his heart sooner or later, the more time you spend with him, the more it will hurt, it’s like taking someone up a stepladder, knowing you will eventually drop them.
Do the right thing for him and drop him before it’s too high and the injured are life changing.
He still has a chance to be happy elsewhere and so do you.
It’s really nice that you want to do right by them. Truth is they will be hurt but in the long run you are doing what is best for both of you. I think you should tell them exactly what you said in your post but a condensed version.
You two are different and can’t give them what you need. You two are two puzzle pieces that just don’t fit. Whilst this may not look or sound like a huge deal breaker on the surface this could lead to resentment down the line because they will think you don’t care or are being distance because you don’t want to see or stay in contact as much and you will feel smothered and further distance yourself. That’s no good for anybody. So it’s best to end this before it gets harder and feelings get stronger. As cliche as it sounds you want happiness for them and yourself and this won’t be the way to find that. I hope you understand. Something along these lines. Good luck.
I wish every women that ghosted me or broke up with me would stop fucking worrying about my feelings and just be direct and honest with me so that I can move on and stop wondering what did I do wrong.
Just be honest and direct and explain why you feel it does not work. Does not matter how much sugarcoating you use, it will be sadness.
If I hear one more time someone tells me “I am such a nice guy but” and they are not clear why they are not interested anymore, I am going to lose my shit lol.
First of all, I’m a 20 year old guy who’s never been in a relationship so take my advice with a grain of salt.
You just have to be honest and break it off regardless. Because it’s worse to stay together when not just your needs but his needs aren’t being met, you’ll both just keep growing more miserable.
Alternatively, I’ve always had a plan to break up with someone without directly hurting them. I just start doing things that they won’t like; smoke, be sassy, not listen when he’s talking idk. Basically get him to break up, then it feels like he’s in control and it’s his choice. Though I guess that’s a bit manipulative.
Hope this helps.
Just be aware that no matter what you say or how you word it, there is always a chance he might try to ‘fight’ for you. That is to say, he might question your reasons for breaking up or he might want more clarity or he might ask for closure. If this happens, just be gentle but firm that even though he is a great guy, you don’t feel that you are right for each other. Try not to be ambiguous and try not to leave the door open for a possible reconciliation. A clean break is usually the best option, especially when there are still strong feelings from his end.
Ha it’s really interesting reading this. I was in a very similar relationship where I was the one who didn’t like to text. Sometimes at the end of a day if I hadn’t text much she would breakdown cry and asked if I still loved her. I dunno how anyone finds the time for that much communication during a working day.
You write them a text message so you don’t cop the emotional fall out
I was in his shoes, I wanted more attention from my partner that I was dating for only four months.
He didn’t make time for me, didn’t text me that often( would reply to my text 24 hours later) and insisted that he was still interested. He ended up dumping me for being too needy. I’m really hurt and scared to show my emotions and be vulnerable to this day.
Before you dump him can you at least communicate and ask him if he is willing to perhaps compromise? Relationship is all about compromising and if you guys wanna make it work you would.
Although, I still struggle to understand why would you want to date someone if you don’t wanna see them or text them.
“You’re a great guy and I don’t think I can give you the attention you need and I’m sorry, I hope you can find someone more comparable”
As a guy that has been in your BF’s position: don’t lie. Don’t leave anything away. Your honesty and respect is the least he deserves if he truly never did you wrong. It will be hard, but necessary.
If you lie for whatever reason, but still want to remain friendly, there is a good chance that if he ever finds out you weren’t honest the trust will be permanently broken. This isn’t a certainty of course, but it’s a possibility
What if his need to text you comes out of a genuine concern for you and making it obvious that he isn’t taking you for granted? He mayn’t be even craving for constant communication and might be satisfied with what you are presently able to give him.Now if that’s the case you are gonna hurt someone out of your insecurity.I think you should calmly talk it out,try to find a middle ground before blowing the whole shit up.
The greatest tragedy in life is getting what you wanted in life and not knowing what to do then-Bojack horseman(I suppose).
You two have different attachment styles. You seem avoidant and he seems anxious. That’s enough of a reason to end it.
I tried to make an avoidant+anxious relationship for two years and it ruined me. Drop it from the first sign.
Honestly it sounds like you don’t want to put in a reasonable amount of effort or time into a real relationship and are just wasting his time. Better let him go now and let him move on with his life. Not saying you need to spend every hour of the day together but if you don’t want to see him more than maybe once a week you don’t belong together.
I wish I broke up with my ex 3 years earlier. He was similar no fault on him. But he said every year that he wanted to continue (lies) time was wasted. I wish he said it like 6month in. I thought we were about to move it together