Friday, March 24, 2023
HomeRelationship AdviceHow do I bring up hygiene Without embarrassing him..?

How do I bring up hygiene Without embarrassing him..?

So my boyfriend is the most amazing man ever. I’m so in love with everything about him..except the fact that his hygiene is horrible..I can count on one had the amount of times I seen him brush his teeth. He has a hard working job but he showers maybe once a week and that’s MAYBE..and recently when I do his laundry I notice some streak stains 👀 and yesterday I seen shorts that had it so bad I washed them twice and the stain was still there. I want him to know he needs to take better care of himself but I don’t want him to think I’m picking on him or make him feel embarrassed at all.

EDIT: this is something I newly discovered. We have only been living together for not even 3 months so I got a chance to see his day to day life a little deeper and it all fell together. This 100% would not make me leave him in anyway because he’s he is an amazing man. Everyone always has something to improve and sadly this is my man’s 🥴🥲 but don’t get me wrong..if I knew this from the beginning it might have changed my mind..👀 the love is just way to deep now..

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  1. It’s a hard thing to bring up, no matter how you do it, and there’s a good chance he’s not going to be happy to hear it. Just accept that as a fact. But, if you don’t get him to change, then you’re not going to be happy in a relationship him, and most likely, nobody else will, either.

    Since there’s no easy way to do it, you just need to try to sit down and have a serious talk with him about it. If he’s not going to listen and learn and take you seriously, your relationship is likely doomed, anyway.

  2. Yikes. What’s up with all these posts about men without the most basic hygiene? I really don’t mean to judge, OP, but reading this grossed me out.

    I get that you don’t get to embarrass him, but maybe it’s needed. I’m not telling you to be harsh or rude, but sit him down and tell him that as much as you love him, his poor hygiene is off-putting and unacceptable. I don’t think tiptoeing around the issue is the best idea.

    Edit: a word

  3. Most amazing man? He has hygiene like a toddler who’s being diaper trained.

    Won’t brush his teeth? Do you kiss that mouth? He SHOULD be embarassed!

    My apologies but I just can’t with people (adult men and women) who cannot take care of their BASIC hygiene. It’s a basic and regular thing to do. Toiletpaper and tooth brushes were invented both decades ago and for a reason.

    Tell him you’re grossed out and he needs to get better or else…

  4. Why is it so important for you to not embarrass him, when he is already regularly subjecting you to gross smells and unhygienic laundry? Why are his feelings more important than yours?

  5. Poor basic hygiene- not brushing his teeth, not wiping his ass, obviously not bathing frequently egads I’d be out of there. Look there is no gentle way- tell him to wash his ass, why are you pussyfooting around it. I’d be so disgusted . Does he not have a stench? His mouth? His body? Look I’m glad you want to stick it out but even my 7 yo knows to brush his teeth twice a day, wipe until the paper is white and shower with soap daily. Tell him you want him to follow basic standards.

  6. Cavities can be transmitted via kissing if his oral hygiene is that bad. If he’s not keeping his genitals clean enough you are at risk of infections. This isn’t just about him. Maybe focusing on the fact that his lack of hygiene affects you both will get him to realize how gross he’s being

  7. First: Don’t kiss him anymore or be sexual active with him. Just think that he doesn’t brush his teeth and then kiss you. That’s not just about the smell. It is a health risk. Same about sex. Do you really want his dirty dick in you? He doesn’t shower and can’t even wipe his ass. Even if you use condoms, to think that he comes with his poopy and sweety intime region so close to mine…

    If you are in a relationship with close contact, no hygiene is such a sign of disrespect. To brush your teeth and to shower take 15 minutes!

    Be direct to him. Why walk on egg-shells? Just think about it. He know that he has poop in his underwear and still gives a fuck that you touch it and wash it! He knows that he nearly never showers or brush his teeth. He know that this will cause him to stink. He just doesn’t care. So why why you care so much that you not embarasse him?

  8. As a man, I’d want to know ASAP. Also, maybe help him out or research with him how to have proper hygiene. Its way worse just letting him be cuz the longer he waits the more self conscious he will be about it like “what else are you not telling me”.

  9. Sometimes change comes from embarrassment. It’s entirely reasonable to feel grossed out by lack of showering (how the hell do you have sex with him?) and shit stains. You can bring it up gently as an observation first, (“Hey, I noticed…”), maybe buy him some wet wipes as a hint. But if that doesn’t help, you need to be frank about the impact it’s having on you, because you don’t deserve to deal with that. Nobody does.

  10. Have a sticker chart where he gets a smiley face sticker on days when he takes a shower, and a frown face sticker on the days when he doesn’t wipe his ass. And every time he gets 5 smiley stickers he can get a prize, like a new toy or some candy.

  11. How have you only just noticed?? Even not living together, could you not tell he doesn’t brush his teeth? Could you not smell he showers once a week? Or that he shits his pants?

    If this is a sudden change in habits you should be concerned for his mental health. Otherwise I’m just amazed you didn’t pick up on these issues on the first date. Has he just moved out from his mums house? Maybe he needs to move back until he’s mastered the basics.

  12. Men are like children sometimes…
    You have to bring it up when they smell. He will likely feel embarrassed and try to change it or take a shower.

    I blame the parents for not teaching them proper hygiene where they don’t think that brushing their teeth is important..
    you may have to
    Nag for a while, even consider breaking up if he doesn’t change. But it’s definitely possible to help someone change their habits, If he doesn’t you should break up with him for not being considerate

  13. This is a tough one. Omg. My husband isn’t a germaphobe, but he showers and brushes his teeth every single night before he gets in bed with me. Sometimes we shower together…maybe ask him to jump in the shower and then after a few minutes you can join him? Buy him some new body wash that you think smells good and would love to smell on him? Buy the matching shampoo too. Say self care is important and that you both can start enjoying bubble baths and showers together? Bring in some wine too. And then maybe before you guys have sex, ask him to shower first because you love the way his new body wash makes his skin feel.

    I don’t know if anything I suggested was helpful. This is really a tough one!

  14. Listen ,and I can’t express this enough, bad oral hygiene affects the entire body!!!! A abscess from an infected tooth can lead to nasty blood infection to the brain. His self care is also your self care. Poor hygiene can lead to severe and very painful Uti’s. You must address this issue. Start slow, mabey shower together or brush your teeth topless only if brushes his as well. The initial confrontation is really going to suck. Having a great partner is more about having the same values and not so much the same interests. If you value self-care and he does not this will eventually put a strain on your relationship, turning to reddit to ask this is an indication that his lack of hygiene already has. Find out why he doesn’t find it important and let him know why you find it important. Be loving as well as firm. See if he is open to making this a priority and then create a plan then turn the plan into a habit. This is what you hope to accomplish,great daily hygiene habits! Good luck!!

  15. Is it possible he has a hidden disability? Is he learning impaired in any way? Significant childhood trauma? I can think of no other reasonable reasons why an adult man wouldn’t know these things without having to be taught by a live-in partner.

    While it may feel seemingly small to you now it almost certainly will be a big deal as time goes on. Never mind the health implications (which, just the refusal to brush his teeth will certainly cause), the emotional pain to you will be significant.

    Put another way, one day you’ll realize that the man you love would rather continue letting you scrub feces out of his underpants (twice in one go by your description) rather than be bothered to wipe his own ass.

    He’s showing you that your role in his life will become that of maid and nurse in addition to your other roles as a partner. If you have a child with this man…you’ll actually have 2 children at that point in terms of childcare.

    Apologies for my directness but someone has to say it, your rose colored glasses are informing much of how you feel about this right now, preventing you from seeing clearly how big a problem this truly is.

    If I’m you, I’m drawing a line in the sand where I’m asking him one time and one time only to make himself an appointment to be evaluated by a physician familiar with executive dysfunction. If he refuses, I’m out, and I’m making that (lovingly) crystal clear from the first conversation. Deadline and all. No more doing his laundry, cleaning up his messes, or sex until this appointment takes place and real change is evident.

  16. So um…about streaks. Shit washes out. If it’s still there after two washes, it’s probably blood, and he probably has something medically wrong with him.

    But that doesn’t mean you have to be his maid! The tooth brushing and showering things are gross enough on their own.

  17. How do you let a man who can’t wipe or clean his ass and doesn’t brush his teeth go down on you? That alone just makes me question everything about you.

  18. Worth bringing it up. My parents have been together longer than I have been alive and I have no clue how they do it. I’m in my 30s and my dad isn’t the most hygienic person. My mom is the polar opposite. I am also fairly hygienic.

    I can highlight two times that I’ve had a partner mention something about my hygiene and I’ve been very appreciative of it since it helped me tweak my routine a bit. I exfoliate now, I have a tongue scraper and a bunch of other dental tools.

  19. How old is he? That straight up isn’t acceptable showering only once a week, it’s not nearly enough, especially if he is overweight or works out or works a dirty type of manual job. Even without all that it’s pretty gross. Same with the butt stuff that’s even worse – he needs to be washing out his asshole every day and obviously wiping better or something? Somethings not right anyway that’s not normal for an adult man.

    I would question depression perhaps, Its definitely understood that some depressed people have difficulty with simple hygiene, it could be that. Either way you need to talk to him and try to not be judgemental or mean but underscore the importance of it – it needs to change. It’s crazy.

  20. ive been with my bf for not even two months and have done his laundry, have seen his routine etc… how does one not notice this stuff before living together? how does it not give you the ick? this has got to be fake

  21. Sometimes you can’t put stuff nicely. You need to be straight forward. Not insulting, but firm. Tell him this is unsanitary and you want him to change those habits.

    Also, with all respect, if you are sexually active you might wanna take a break before he fixes his stuff. If he doesn’t clean himself properly *down there* that’s gonna give you an UTI real fast.

  22. Some people grew up so neglected or abused by their parents that they literally were never taught how to wash themselves. Sometimes when children are being physically or sexually abused they purposefully stay dirty to try and keep abusers at a distance. Some adults are too depressed, anxious or distracted to keep up with a hygiene routine and need to develop a LOT of reminders to make it habitual. I don’t know why your dude hasn’t learned how to wash, but asking him about his past with empathy and kindness might give you some insight. I believe he is a good person and partner like you say and this could be a mental health issue.

    Sit him down and tell him that you love him and you don’t want to hurt his feelings but you need to be honest about this issue. He might react angrily or defensively out of embarrassment. Allow him to feel his feelings and give him space to walk away if he needs to, but let him know this is a conversation that needs to happen to have a healthy life together.

    There are websites with directions for teaching adults basic hygiene. I found some by googling and they might help you. Maybe a dentist would be a better person to talk to him about brushing and flossing. are you able to pay for dental care? Sometimes people truly don’t believe that brushing needs to happen every day unless a professional scolds them. I’m 35 and only just learned that flossing is actually really important. oops.

    To help him create habits, maybe you could brush your teeth together in the morning and night. You could lay out your clothes for the next day including clean underwear the night before. Doing these things together creates an intimate, loving routine. If he was a victim of abuse or neglect as a kid this could be healing for him. You could have a checklist in your bathroom listing showering, shampoo, soap, fingernails, teeth, ears, etc. People with ADD sometimes won’t remember every step unless it’s written down. Other folks mentioned wet wipes, you could also look into getting a bidet. Best of luck to you both!

  23. I was direct and said I won’t be doing your washing if your underwear has poo on it, I have noticed your underwear is stained so I won’t be touching any more of your washing until you fix it. Showering daily is a way to deal after you poop if needed. Same goes for teeth brushing at least once a day, saves on dentist bills as well.

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