Thursday, March 23, 2023
HomeRelationship AdviceHow do I deny "the deed" without ending our relationship?

How do I deny “the deed” without ending our relationship?

Aigh’t, so…

First off, me a (25m) started dating a (22f) about 4 weeks ago, we’ve only met up three times without it escalating beyond just sleeping in the same bed together and cuddling. She’s very adamant about doing it with me though, but i’ve seen sex as a sort of final commitment in a relationship and i think i’m not quite there with her yet.

But I don’t want to make it feel like i’m denying her advances, or stringing her along because I truly enjoy having her around. Saying that, I invited her to join my friend groups annual Halloween festivites this weekend. She’s staying over at my place and I know she’s going to bring up sex at some point. And frankly I am at a crossroads.

TL;DR: I’m dating someone I really like but don’t want her to break things off because i’m denying sex.

What do?

View Reddit by poisheitetty1234View Source



  1. Tell her that you see sex as something that happens later in a relationship. If she disagrees and doesn’t want to take that path, then you would be better off apart. Just because you like her doesn’t mean you are compatible.

  2. >but i’ve seen sex as a sort of final commitment in a relationship and i think i’m not quite there with her yet.

    Have you talked to her about that? If not, sounds like that should be the first step. If she doesn’t want to wait, then you just aren’t compatible.

  3. You HAVE to talk to her. Just sit down, and have an adult conversation. “I find you very attractive, but I prefer to wait until the relationship is more solid. Is that something you’re ok with?”

    Or whatever. If you just try to matrix-dodge all sexual advances, it will absolutely look like rejection, or stringing her along. And face it, you ARE denying her advances. But if you explain the context, you guys can come to a mutual understanding. That won’t happen if you don’t open up.

  4. There’s no way through this except to have a clear and explicit conversation about it. I’d do it in person, when you’re not making out, and before Halloween weekend. That way she has time to process it beforehand and it won’t come off like rejecting her in the moment. The more time you let her be excited and plan for it, the more disappointing and embarrassing it will be for her. Communicating clearly and as early as possible is your friend here….. you both want to get on the same page ASAP.

  5. You’re grownups. Do have an adult conversation about it. Open, honest, and direct.

    You can’t just avoid it just because she might disagree with you and move on. Give her the info she needs to make an informed choice about whether she wants you as a partner. You met 4 weeks ago. If she breaks up because you want to wait on sex, she’s not someone you want to be dating anyway –thats a core values conflict.

  6. Explain to her your feelings and values regarding sex. If she doesn’t share them and considers that a dealbreaker, then let her go. Give her the boot if she goes further and refuses to respect your feelings.

  7. I would just be honest with her, and if she accepts it, then great, if it’s a deal breaker, than she’s not right for you. I’ve had sex with women before I was ready and it wasn’t a good experience.

  8. You started dating FOUR WEEKS AGO.

    You are not ready for sexual intimacy – that is all you need to say. “I am not ready for sexual intimacy in this relationship right now.”

    If your partner is not willing to respect your boundaries and where you are at in terms of intimacy and consent, then this is not the relationship for you.

    If having sex on her schedule is a dealbreaker for her then she can decide that.

  9. If your not ready than you’re not ready. If she can’t respect that than you’re at an impassable crossroad.

    Don’t do anything your not 100% sure and ready for.
    She should respect you boundaries.

  10. Then if you care about not stringing her along as well as your own ethics, just tell her the truth. Tell her she’s wonderful and desirable and very tempting, however you have a boundary where you do not have sex with anyone until you are in the final commitment. Explain to her what that means….exclusive for a while, married or whatever you mean by it. If she ends things with out, then she wanted different things than you in a relationship, plenty of fish in the sea.

  11. If saying no to sex ends a relationship, that wasn’t a relationship you needed to be in. Your body, you get to decide when you’re ready for sex and a good partner will have respect for your autonomy and will be excited to share it with you when you’re ready

  12. Be honest. Like everyone else said, tell her you’re not ready but try to be as transparent as possible.

    It’s not often that women get told “I don’t want to have sex with you”. So when it happens we can sometimes think you don’t like us or we’re unattractive. “I’m not ready because…. ” “I’d be more comfortable with…”

    There’s lots of other intimate things you can do to show you life her that don’t involve sex. Cuddle, give each other massages, dance.

  13. It’s your right to set that boundary. Set it and forget it. If she doesn’t respect it, she ain’t the one. Don’t ever feel like you’re asking too much by setting boundaries. It’s well within reason.

  14. Here’s an opinion from a girl who has been în your gf shoes. I thought that sex is what a makes a guy staying în a relationship . Thats why i many Times insisted on having sex with my bf then ,éven though he wasnt în the mood , só i brought up the subject and asked hím directly if its me … it was the first guy who told me that sex isnt evrrything he wants.. and that changed everything în good … so maybe she insists because she thinks thats the way for a mans heart.

  15. So lemme tell you a story about my experience with this…
    There was this girl that I was crazy about, we were dating, we went out together a couple nights a week… Dinner, drinks, dancing at a club…and it was pretty regular thing for a couple months.

    During this time, we would hold hands, hug and kiss… but that was it. In my mind, I didn’t wanna ruin it by persuing sex too soon. Well, one day she called me while I was at work to tell me she had to cancel dinner because she had a new Boyfriend. This crushed me. I pleaded with her on the phone, told her how I felt…her response, “I thought you didn’t like me like that. You never made a move.”

    So while we were dating, I never made “the move” and apparently she was dating someone else who did make “the move” and I got scooched to the side. So big oof. Learned from that. Everyone is different…but I dunno, I wouldn’t risk it anymore.

    Tldr: MAKE THE MOVE if you don’t wanna lose her.

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  17. First things first: just because you invite her to stay at your place does not guarantee sex and she should understand that.
    Second, I think the value you hold in sexual interaction is noble and rare. It’s very respectable. This leads me to believe that you don’t string women on. That being said, I’d communicate your feelings about it and if she gets mad, I know I would personally step back and wonder what her true intentions were with me (just sex or a relationship) and if she cannot understand that or takes it personally, that is not your problem. All you can do is be honest and after that, stay true to you, make sure your actions match what you say and see where it goes.
    If I (30F) was in this situation and a guy told me he valued sex as a final commitment and didn’t know if he was there with me yet, I’d have a conversation about it and not only find it hot as hell, but respect it and either move forward or don’t from there.
    I promise if you talk to her about this and are honest, even if it goes horribly, you can sleep well at night knowing that you were respectful, honest and stayed true to you.
    She may just be a super sexually charged girl (I can relate) but having someone still want to see you and spend time with you without the expectation of sex is ideal and super hot.
    If she’s smart, she’ll value it. If that’s not her vibe or intention, she’ll move on.

  18. Just talk to her 🙂 she could be totally fine with waiting and just thinks you’d want to do it by now. Any respectable person would be able to wait a little while.

  19. Tell her exactly what you’ve explained in this post.

    Tell her you really like her, as far as you’re concerned things are going great between you and you want the relationship to continue.

    Tell her you prefer not to rush into sexual intimacy and instead enjoy building a connection in other ways until you feel ready to take that physical step.

    Tell her you wanted to be upfront about how you feel in case she got the wrong idea and it put her off. Tell her communication is important to you and you hope she understands.

    All this is gonna show her is that you value her as a person, you value the relationship, and you’re not in it just for sex. I’m not saying she will be on the same page, I’m not saying you’re compatible, but if she cares about the relationship as much as you do being honest is going to end well.

  20. You’re old enough to communicate as an adult. Just…communicate. Tell her what you wrote in your reddit post…except maybe don’t call sex “doin it”. If she doesn’t like it, it has only been 4 weeks.

  21. Shag her or burn her. Whatever is at the root of your resistance needs to be addressed. There’s no moral justification for your behaviour. Either you don’t fancy her or there’s a fear within you that needs to be overcome or accepted as a handicap. Shag her or burn her and let someone else shag her.

  22. You know I really respect you. The fact that there’s a male out there who has this kind of mindset is refreshing. Sex is a very personal thing and nobody should be rushed into it. Good for you for sticking by your boundaries! Nobody is saying she’s rushing you of course, she might just really like you and wants to sleep with you. Nothing wrong with that, but you’ve gotta feel comfortable too. Good luck man

  23. Just talk to her. I personally enjoy sex too much to be in a sexless relationship and would be asking a rough time line I guess.
    Go ahead and shame me. But I spent the best part of my 40s being rejected by a cheating husband. I need the intimacy now. Haha.

  24. Briefly dated a guy who is demi-sexual. I think that label suits you too?

    I got quite confused by his lack of interest in physicalities and it made me insecure. Eventually he just told me that he doesn´t do ONS, he only wants physical intimacy in strong relationships and not prior to it.

    I was still a bit confused and I still wanted that guy, in the end it didn´t work out due to completely unrelated reasons.

    Just be open and honest, tell her before halloween.

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