Saturday, April 1, 2023
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How do I get my boyfriend to listen to me when it hurts during sex

I (19m) have been dating my boyfriend (27m) for a few months now. His my first relationship and his the first Ive done anything sexual with. When he took my virginity I expected it to hurt a bit and it did but nearly every time since, when we have sex its hurts. I thought I would get use it it by now. I tried to talk about it with him but he just brushes it off saying I will get use to it and that it will take a little while since his pretty big down there. I have toys that are close to his size but it never hurts when I use them it just hurts when Im having sex with him. Ive tried talking to him out of the bedroom about it and in the bedroom but instead of stopping in the moment he just slows down. I just don’t think he understands how painful it can be. How do I get him to listen and not be so rough? Im just so frustrated about it since the few times it hasn’t hurt it was really good so I know he can be gentle and how good the sex can be.

TL;DR: It hurts when having sex with my boyfriend, he doesn’t seem to understand how painful it can be. How do i get him to understand.

Edit: Im not going to break up with my boyfriend but I did sit him down this morning before he went to work and had a serious conversation. I told him that sex was to painful and full of discomfort so I will not be having sex till he can learn to take my feelings into consideration and that I will be stopping it from now on when it does hurt and if things don’t change it will be the end of the relationship. He seemed receptive. He apologised and told me he didn’t realise it was that bad. We had a good cry and cuddled till he had to go to work. I guess we will see how things go but I’m hopeful.


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  1. Do you really believe a 28-year-old doesn’t understand what the words “this hurts” means? If you were scratching his back and it felt nice and then all of a sudden you started digging your fingernails into his skin and he said it hurt do you think it would take more than once for you to stop or would you tell him no you’ll just get used to it?

    He’s 28 years old in what world do you think this behavior is normal or acceptable?

  2. >I tried to talk about it with him but he just brushes it off saying I will get use to it

    This is a big red flag, OP. He knows it hurts you and he’s fine with that.

    There are plenty of people out there that want you to enjoy sex.


    If your ‘bf’ cared for you, then he wouldn’t want you to hurt.

    Hell, if your ‘bf’ was selfish and smart, he wouldn’t want sex to hurt because then you’d want more sex with him.

    Get rid of the fake ‘bf’ and get one that actually cares for you.

  4. You shouldn’t have to have this conversation. But tell him not during sex have a regular convo before hand to say “hey, it hurts , and when it hurts I am not enjoying it, we need to work on this “

  5. You get a new boyfriend who is willing to listen to his partner. This one has proven that long as he gets sex the way he wants it he doesn’t actually care how you feel.

  6. LEAVE. HIM. This isn’t a joke. He is nearly fucking 30 years old. There is a reason he picked someone who has little experience (no offense meant here) and is young like you. He knows that he can seem wiser and older compared to you so he can be the answer to everything.

    Example here. your words “it hurts” response “it’s normal that it hurts”. Implying that because he is wiser and more experienced in sex that he can dictate what is normal or not.

    Sex should NOT hurt unless there isn’t adequate foreplay, you have a medical condition (like vaginas us or PID) or he is intentionally hurting you. All of these have a solution, all of these mean SOMETHING is wrong. If he is saying it is normal and purposely hurting you like you say, that is assault. Leave him. If he hasn’t learned it by the age of 28, he won’t suddenly become gentle again. He simply thinks he can get away with it.

  7. You stop having sex with him until he listens. And if he’s kept going when you’ve asked him to stop, please understand that is rape.

    If your toy doesn’t hurt you, he’s likely not giving you enough foreplay, but I think you should seriously reconsider any relationship in which your sexual partner thinks you should push through pain.

    Speaking from experience here. My ex husband pushed for sex after I’d torn during childbirth because the doctor prescribed 6 week break had past. When I was in pain, he said the same thing… “just give it time, it will get better”. There was never a point at which he learned and got more understanding. We had fights where he would accusing me of Withholding, even if my “excuse” was a medical procedure. My advice to you from an older more experienced person, is to be done with the man you are with now.

  8. Everyone here is giving you good advice on how to deal with your boyfriend. Please take it.

    Just as a thing that may help with sex in general… are you using lube? And reapplying when necessary? Could it be that it’s not slippery enough and you aren’t reapplying when necessary?

  9. You need to break up. This guy is not a good person. He is using you for sex and he literally doesn’t care that it’s not pleasurable or fun for you.

    A good partner is someone who wants you to enjoy sex just as much if not more than he does. A good partner checks in with you often and makes sure you’re having a good time. A good partner will stop immediately when you say something hurts and will not need to be told a second time. All of this is *the absolute minimum* you should accept in a sexual partner.

    Guys like your boyfriend purposely go after younger, less experienced people who won’t know any better. He *enjoys* that you’re new to sex because if you were more aware of what you deserve and more confident in expressing your needs, you would realize that he’s a shit partner who doesn’t care about you. Ditch him immediately and find a better partner.

  10. Well the good news is he’s not going to like not having sex so he’ll be breaking up with you, and after you grieve the relationship you’ll be able to find someone who isn’t a predator who values you as a person rather than a personal sex toy.

  11. Oh my god. Are you okay OP??? Please don’t think all these comments are trying to make you feel bad about yourself, we’re mostly just worried for you. Like, very worried. This 27 yr old has some major red flags. For your sake, you really should leave him and find a better partner. You can do so much better than that douche!

  12. Ok. Sex shouldn’t hurt ever.

    1. If he won’t stop when you tell him too then physically push him off of you. That is rape, a sexual assault. Why date a rapist?
    2. Dump the motherfucker. He doesn’t listen to you. He doesn’t care about your pleasure during sex. He only cares about his pleasure.

  13. RUN. You’re 19, take this as a learning experience and ghost. Sex should never be painful. This guy doesn’t give a shit about you. There’s so many partners out there that will prioritise your pleasure every time, there’s no reason to stay with this guy. He will keep you on the hook as long as he can with the lure of “how good it can be”.

  14. I mean, he’s probably getting off on your pain a little (or a lot), as most partners would work up to it if they are well-endowed. If you still consent knowing that, here are two things that will help. First, get yourself some Eros lube or a similar brand (not sure where you are, but it’s sold all over Europe and on Amazon). A silicone (or dimethicone, or any “cone”) lube is a lifesaver, because it doesn’t dry out, and eases the way much more easily than water-based. You’ll probably enjoy it with your toys, too.

    Second, work up to his girth—some toys of different diameters that you can use to “start small to get it all” are super handy. Note that this is something you can do yourself. Work up to one a little larger around than he is, comfortably, before the Real Thing.

    Of course, foreplay will help. Being super in-the-mood. Some people swear by weed or a drink for the muscle-relaxation effects.


    Use condoms.

    Make sure you have a serious conversation about consent and knowing that he will stop when you need him to. This will be extra important as you get into different things—only you will know if something is wrong. If he doesn’t agree to a safe word or to stopping when you need him to, then you need to let him go. There will be other Tops. You only get one colo-rectum.

    Wash your toys well after every use. Replace if there is any wear at all, and ideally between partners.

    Don’t try weed if it’s not allowed where you are, and if you find that you need a hit or a drink every single time you guys have sex, then you need to re-evaluate the relationship.

  15. This may be short but..find a new boyfriend who respects you? I’ve never had a partner cause me pain and not stop immediately to apologize and make sure I was ok.
    He knows he’s hurting you and continues to do it, that’s abusive.

  16. Use safe words Green, yellow, red. If something starts to feel uncomfortable say “yellow” and if you want it to stop, say “red”. If things don’t immediately stop after you say “red”, there is something seriously wrong with your partner and it would constitute abuse.

    On another note, Make sure that you start slow and use lube. It takes a little while for the vagina to open fully so the beginning few strokes are the most likely to hurt. If you’re feeling a lot of friction, stop and apply lube!

    Good luck

  17. Op I really hope you reconsider staying with this guy. Nearly 10 years older than you and didn’t give a fuck he was hurting you until you took sex off the table. That’s quite pathetic.

  18. You tell him in no uncertain terms that if he does not stop when you tell him to stop, there will be no more sex. And then you tell him very clearly to stop when it does hurt. Pardon the pun, but don’t pussyfoot around on this. Either he cares about your distress and stops hurting you or he’s a selfish bastard who should not be your boyfriend.

  19. 1. You’ve been groomed HARD
    2. The age gap yikes
    3. Sex should never hurt (and that’s coming from someone with aggressive endometriosis) the fact he isn’t taking you seriously and brushing you off says 100% *he does NOT care about you or your feelings*

  20. You replace the boyfriend with one who respects you and treats you like a human and not a sex doll. If someone is okay with hurting you just to get off and is making next to no efforts to make it not hurt (more foreplay, lube, stopping when you say it hurts, using fingers, etc – not just hurting you slower) they don’t love you, they don’t respect you, and you should dump their jerk ass.

  21. He’s a predator. He knows what he’s doing and doesn’t care. He also knows you’re easily deceived so he plays dumb and you’re falling for it. Big yikes, girl. *BIG YIKES.*

  22. i see you’ve made up your mind so I’m sure my comment will mean nothing to you

    that said

    that pain you’re experiencing is your body telling you “this isn’t good”, you should listen to it

  23. Gently and seductively grasp his balls in your loving, tender embrace and CRUSH THEM MERCILESSLY UNTIL HE WEEPS. When he asks you why you did that, tell him “well, you hurt me and don’t pay attention when I tell you to stop so I thought you liked that”.

    If he doesn’t get the point after a few times, stop having sex with him till he learns. Be sure to tell him why you cut him off.

    PS: You can also mix it up by occasionally thumping his balls like you are killing a bug. Same effect.

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