Saturday, April 1, 2023
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How do I(34M) tell my partner(33F) that she is too close to her male friend

I have been seeing someone for ~6 months and we get along great. However, she has a close male friend who she talks to daily, meets up regularly and spends regular time with. They have been friends long before(atleast 3 years) I was in the picture. I knew all along that they were close but recently some things have made me unsure if there is/was something more.

He calls her often 2-3 times per day. They discuss everything going on in their lives, including their respective relationships. They have a group of common friends, and hang out together on weekends(often in a group). Many of their common friends have pointed out how much they get along with each other.

I recently found out that one of her old login passwords is his name. And that he had bought her some nice gifts for her previous birthdays.

He has a long term partner and she has reassured me that it is purely friendship from her end. She does not seem worried that he might not see it any other way. I have encouraged her to talk to him about it(as they talk regularly) but she doesn’t think there is anything to talk about and is adamant that he does not see her that way.

It’s left me wondering if I am over reacting.

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  1. >They have been friends long before(atleast 3 years) I was in the picture.

    cut your losses. you’re not going to win if you bring it up

    you were fine with it before so be fine with it now or leave. again, you’re not going to win if you bring it up.

  2. He was there before you and he’s going to be there after you. I would not let a boyfriend of 6 months dictate my friends, like, at all. You’re going to get a lot of validation from this sub because it’s generally against male/female close friendships. But in real life, your partner is going to have close friends outside of you, and you’re not going to win against an established friendship of several years.

  3. Are there really people in this world who call/talk to each other 2 or 3 times a day, every gd day? That’s insane, from my point of view. Nobody has that much new to say to me every day of my life, and if they did I don’t think I’d want to hear it all, anyway. There’s definitely something up between these two, I don’t know what, but this level of communicating is OTT.

  4. You could bring it up, but she will probably choose him over you. I myself no longer let someone tell me whom i could and couldn’t hang out with, because everyone that has tried it in the past was controlling. Either you trust her or you don’t. Your feelings may be valid but even if she did choose you, she would forever resent you for making her choose.

  5. If they were friends 3 years before you came on scene, they e had a chance if they wanted it, right? You either trust your partner or you don’t. If you do then you need to let it go. If you’re u don’t trust her, then you likely shouldn’t be in a relationship. Telling her they need to back off could cause you to lose your relationship. So I guess it’s your call. Best of luck OP.

  6. You trust her or you don’t.

    Is there a magic way to bring it up and not have you look insecure and jealous? No.

    Does that mean you are required to stay? No

    If you can’t live with her having this friend, that’s your call to make, only you know you.

    He bought her nice gifts, they get along well, and communicate daily doesn’t scream cheating. Apparently his long term partner is fine with it. So, what do you think you’re seeing that they don’t?

    >she doesn’t think there is anything to talk about and is adamant that he does not see her that way.

    You’ve talked to her, she’s made her position clear. Your decision is can you handle she has a male friend that she is close to or is it too much?

  7. You don’t tell her unless you have the balls to reinforce your boundaries.

    My guess is if you are so scared to voice you are uncomfortable, then you are too scared to stand up for yourself.

    So unless you are willing to go through that then you shouldn’t do shit.

  8. Spend enough time in here and the common refrain you will hear is that “they left me for the friend they told me not to worry about”.

    It’s so common that you’ll see posts such as yours appear here daily.

    The best advice is though if it isn’t directly impacting on your relationship with her – in that she isn’t making preferences for his company over you, or is favouring him over you – then you may just have to suck it up and try your best to deal with it.

    No one likes to play second to someone else and you wouldn’t be the first person to chuck in a new relationship over something like this.

    For you though, if it’s becoming unsettling and you are finding yourself getting increasingly uncomfortable about it, then this probably isn’t the relationship for you and it’s time to just move on.

    Hopefully the next girl you date doesn’t have a BFF who is a guy.

  9. I love it when these threads come up and the overwhelming response is that it’s shady to be friends with your preferred gender. I guess my bisexual ass just doesn’t get to have close platonic relationships then, oh well!

    Realistically, nothing you’ve listed gives any reason for concern. His partner doesn’t think boundaries are being crossed, they’re not flirting, they hang out with others frequently. Buying nice gifts is what friends do. The frequent calls is fairly normal for close, reasonably extroverted people. As to their mutual friends saying that they get along, unfortunately the majority of people are immature as fuck about mixed gender friendships, and it says more about them that they can’t imagine valuing a person for what’s outside their pants.

    Assuming your partner were straight, would this exact same friendship bother you if the friend was another girl? Because that’s your answer.

  10. If they were friends for years I don’t think you should say anything. Maybe say you guys aren’t compatible and find someone who has the same opposite sex friend boundaries as you. There’s no way I’m dating a girl with such a close relationship with another man. But I’m not trying to control or change anyone either.

  11. You have a conversation with her like an adult. Something along the lines of ” I understand you have been friends for a long time and I would never ask you to change your relationship with him, but there are times I feel uncomfortable with how much time and energy you put into your friendship.”

    This will probably be followed up with on her side saying she is sorry you feel uncomfortable but there is absolutely nothing to worry about as they are just friends and there are no romantic feelings involved and she will assure you that you are her only romantic interest.

    So what does this accomplish? Not much really except you were able to express your feelings in a calm manner and maybe she pulls back a little with interactions with him. But realistically you have to decide what you can live with and go from there. If you can’t can’t live with her having a close male friend do you both a favor and break up.

    My(M) best friend is a women. We just clicked from the moment we met. But there is zero romantic thoughts or interest from either of us. My wife has met her and at times we do stuff as a group. My wife has zero jealousy towards her and I check in with her occasionally to make sure nothing had changed. But I also take steps to limit any interactions with my best friend when it is personal time for my wife and I.

  12. I broke up with my girl because she would go out with her best guy friend and I knew about him in the beginning. 3 years later I break up with her and she’s with him for the last two years. Either she’s trying you by seeing what gets to you or she is trying to make you jealous. If you’re dealing with that it’ll only continue.

  13. Still keep your eyes wide open just because nothing happened in the past fies not mean it won’t happen invthe future? If your not happy walk because she foes not seem committed to you.

    Just a thought have you asked her about going out as couples with his partner as well?

  14. Based on what I read, I can’t say that you’re overreacting. It seems like they are really (I mean REALLY) close friends, or it’s kind of sympathy to her from his end. It’s a matter of trust, how much you trust your gf. If you’re afraid of directly confronting her again about the topic, you can try some apps for couples, like [Tiddle](, so that the app will be the mediator side in this topic discussion. You can discuss lots of controversial topics, and raise your mutual trust in each other there.

  15. The only clear objectionable is her discussing YOUR relationship with an outsider:
    it doesn’t matter how long he’s been her friend.
    What is between you and your GF should be intimate and exclusive.

  16. Not that there’s anything wrong with friends of the preferred gender, but when the friendship consistently has this type of energy, they’re likely into each other. The only thing holding them back is his commitment to his relationship. What you do next is up to you.

  17. It sounds like an emotional affair. Download the book “Not just friends” by Shirley Glass and read it with her.

    Tell her you are uncomfortable with the constant texting etc. All the time and energy she is putting into their relationship she could be putting into yours.

  18. Your partner and her bff are in a long-term, codependent, emotional affair, so your concerns are valid in that she’s expending a fair amount of her emotional energy on a relationship that isn’t her relationship with you.

    As to whether there’s anything deeper going on between them, I can’t say, because I don’t know them. Emotional affairs aren’t always romantic, and it is entirely possible for men and women to have only platonic relationships. So it could be a long-term platonic emotional codependency. But, still, that’s not healthy for existing romantic relationships.

    Unfortunately I can’t think of any way you can resolve this in a way that also allows your relationship with her to survive, because she doesn’t think it’s a problem, and she doesn’t seem to be internalizing the fact that you *do* think it’s a problem.

  19. Have you asked her why she doesn’t see him as a potential partner? If it is just because he has a long term partner already, that might mean that if they break up and he becomes available you might have a problem.

    One silver lining in this is you have a green light to develop friendships with other ladies.

    Don’t put 100% into this relationship if she isn’t reciprocating – match her level of commitment but be guarded beyond that. For example, based on gfs commitment level, she may not be a good candidate for marriage right now.

  20. I mean honestly, my husband can talk to and be friends with as many woman as he likes, he could have hundreds of female friends but when you just get THAT feeling with ONE of them… its just a sense… and usually that sense is 100% right. Always listen to your gut. You know when someone is gunning for your person, I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask to back off of one person, obviously if you do this with more than one person and do it regularly its not ok. But I do think you’re allowed to bring up a concern when someone is actively pursuing your partner.

  21. Have you met the guy?

    Is he respectful of your relationship?

    When I have had a genuine female friend I was happy to hear she was dating and couldn’t wait to meet the guy.

  22. I’m empathize with relationships like this, as my partner had a close female friend when we met. They did a lot together, and it did not make me feel good. I didn’t hold it over his head tho, I just said (after a series of events) if he continues to hangout with her I will end the relationship.

    He completely cut her off. I don’t see it as an ultimatum. I see it as “I’m not ok with this, if it continues I will have no choice but to put myself first.”

    Your feelings aren’t an over reaction despite what people say. You have no obligation to be “chill.” There are people out there that will change their behaviour because you stated your case.

  23. imo that makes it hard to have a healthy relationship and also i personally wouldnt like my significant other to be that close to a guy friend while i am the third wheel emotinal, i mean if she has a problem in life she will probably tell him before you and value his opinion more than yours from what it sounds like.

    I wouldnt want to be closer to a female friend than my partner (as a guy), honestly just feels odd and not even something you want when you actually want a relationship.

    That being said you might become the priority for her once you bond more.

    Either way its completely up to you and how you feel about it, if it makes you uncomfortable and you dont see a reason why things will change in the future then dont expect them to magically change.

    And there is **definetly** a chance of her eventually cheating and all but you know and thought about that.

  24. He is trying to get your gf for himself. She will never believe anybody till this guy makes a move on her and try’s to have sex with her. The best thing to is to tell her that this guy has agenda with her. Tell her you love her but you cannot tolerate this guy in her life. You have nothing against him but you have boundaries that you will not sacrifice for your self esteem. Then wish her a good life and find a gf that is not entangled with so much drama with someone else.

  25. There’s policy that I generally like to follow and if it sounds good to you it might be worth bringing up.

    For me, I don’t believe in that “I would never cheat under any circumstance” ideology, I think situations will come around and if you didn’t prepare correctly, things will go south. For me, there has to be boundaries with how close you’re getting to somebody once you engage in a relationship. That closeness should be reserved only for the relationship in most circumstances. Oversharing can lead to getting too close and intimate with other people. I think the calling 2-3 times a day counts as oversharing, especially if she’s sharing every detail about your relationship. It’s good to have close friends and when your relationship is going south, having a third party always helps. But it should be kept limited if possible, you want that intimacy with your partner and not someone else.

    Aside from the calls, as long as she isn’t meeting 1 on 1 with the friend either, I think hanging with group settings is fine (granted, she isn’t hanging out with him more than you, again comes back to you and her being the most intimate than any other.)

    Also you should get some background like if they dated in the past because that’s super crucial. In moments when your gf is emotionally vulnerable and you can’t be there for her, he will be instead and you generally don’t want it to be a previous partner. Remember feelings can also develop organically even if they are genuinely platonic now, I will just always repeat this keep intimacy to your partner, you shouldn’t overshare with people if possible so it limits chances of anything happening.

    This may have come across as a ramble but it’s just advice I would follow myself for navigating these boundaries but choose what works for you because I think it’s okay to set some intimacy boundaries e.g physical touch could be one, limited calls a day could be another as well lmao.

  26. Well, to start, you either trust her or you don’t. However, sounds like they are overly close and likely hanging around as each other’s back-up plan. It will all come down to if she still respects you enough to keep good boundaries up with him. If she disregards your feelings after having a genuine conversation, then it is no longer about her having a male friend, but it’s about her lack of respect for you. I have a couple of male friends…however, I am also friends with their wives. So I only hang out with them as a couple, and do you know how often I call the men? Never. And yea, I was friends with them long before my boyfriend came into the picture. And any women friends my bf has, I am now friends with them and they talk on the phone like….once a month as a basic catch up on life. Healthy boundaries, and we trust each other.

  27. Read ‘not just friends’ by Shirley glass – it’ll give you the language to discuss why you are feeling uncomfortable about this particular friendship and what to do about it.

  28. She told you the truth.

    He like her but she doesn’t like him. He is not her friend. He is just waiting for her to give him a chance. He will undermine your relationship.

    I personally would run and run fast.

  29. I might see an issue if there were something inappropriate going on between them. I have bought nice gifts for friends I wouldn’t want a sexual or romantic relationship with.
    It is healthy not to be too dependant on your partner for everything. It sounds like she has multiple friends and this one friend is the one who gets her the best. If you had healthy self esteem then you would seek him out to help you get to know her better.
    Her buddy isn’t your problem. Your own mental health is.

  30. This one seems like a case of feeling left out or competing for attention more than worry if that makes sense. I don’t think you listed anything to give you a reason to think she is or would cheat. However if you feel like their friendship and the amount of energy and time it consumes is stopping you from progressing further with her that is 100% a valid way to feel and something to express.

    The only part I dislike is that she won’t bring up your concern to her friend. If you 2 love eachother or care about eachother and they are that close her talking to him about your concerns seems like a reasonable path. Beyond that though I think expecting much more of a resolution besides her focusing more on opening up to you first is a waste.

  31. I’m assuming they both have had an opportunity to be in a relationship if that’s what they wanted before you were even a thought. Why wait until they are both with someone?
    She’s not going to or should give up a good friend for 6 month relationship.
    That said it would only bother me if she keeps you guys separate, if we are at a serious stage and she’s more comfortable telling him everything or keeping things from me.

  32. Trust her until you have reason to otherwise.

    Calling 2-3 times a day is fucking weird to me. Otherwise, I think it’s fairly normal to have close friends of the opposite sex.

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