I (f32) have been married to my husband (37) for 6 years, together for 7. The last year has been a rough patch for marital and life problems.
About mid Aug 2022, I came to him and said that I wasn’t happy. I told him that if we didn’t try to fix things, I wanted a divorce because I couldn’t continue to live life the way we were doing it: fighting all the time, never having intimacy (even though I begged), us not spending time together, and needs not being met. I told him I didn’t want a divorce which is why I brought my feelings to him.
After this conversation, things started to get better. We were working on ourselves and us as a couple.
Then last Sunday, I had the feeling to look through his phone. I found text messages to another woman (old friend from his childhood) asking for naked pics and saying things like, “I thinking about you naked”. I know nothing physical happened as this woman lives out if state.
I immediately confronted him and he didn’t deny it. He did say that he didn’t mean it and it was a goof that went too far. A huge fight ensued and he said he wants to win me back. I feel like I am going crazy because nothing physical happened, but we outlined what constitutes cheating at the very beginning of our relationship and this situation was on the list.
I have agreed to go to counseling, but part of me feels like I would be disrespecting myself for staying. There are no kids so it would be a clean break.
Has anyone had any experiences with staying after a partner broke your trust? Would counseling even do anything?
TLDR: husband of 6 years asked for naked pics from another woman and wants to stay together, but I am not sure I do.
Honestly, you’re probably past counseling. This all happened when he was meant to be recommitting to your relationship. Ridiculous.
A “goof”. Riiigght.
That explanation is even more pathetic and offensive than if he had said “yeah, I was horny and weak, and I was a piece of shit.” I’m insulted on your behalf.
Don’t stay. I don’t know you, I don’t know him, but I’d bet my life that it wouldn’t be worth it to stay in the relationship you’ve described.
That’s cheating. He cheated. It doesn’t have to be physical to be cheating, you know that and you guys had boundaries that he broke. Also, why stay with someone who is going to be so desperate for other women when you guys are going through problems. This may not be the last time in life that there are problems, can you handle him doing this again? Or something even worse? Cut your losses, there are better people out there
I don’t think couples counseling would be very productive. This isn’t a marriage issue. This is a HIM issue. Counseling could be good, but it should be individual counseling for him. It sounds like he needs to work on his self esteem so he isn’t seeking external validation. His boundaries, his empathy and unhealthy compartmentalization because he obviously didn’t connect the dots that this would hurt you. Those are personal problem, not problems in your relationship.
Circle your wagons- he seems like the type to string you along with therapy and bs until he can swipe the accounts. Protect yourself asap.
Leave him. it’s obvious he isn’t going to take the steps to get better and would rather string you along with sweet nothings then actually change. The only way a relationship can work after an affair is if that person takes the actual steps and shows through their actions they have changed. And it only took him a week after y’all conversation to go seek sexual pleasure from another woman.
OP. This *was* his second chance knowing you were already at breaking point and, rather than trying to work solely on the marriage, he spent it sexting an old school friend. And that’s only the one you know about.
Respect yourself enough to leave this man. He will never change for you. He will let things get to crisis point, make enough minor changes to reach the next checkpoint, check out, then rinse and repeat for the next 30 years. But you? You will be slowly worn down to nothing.
Save yourself, he’s phoning it in.
I’ve been in a similar situation- I’ve stayed with a partner after he broke my trust, and though nothing physical happened it was still cheating. Found that he had received explicit photos from an old friend and they had a sexting conversation which I caught it the morning after it happened. It was completely out of the blue- I had no suspicion before that he’d cheated, and he let me look at his phone which proved this had happened only once. I too confronted him and he didn’t deny it, and he was basically on his knees to fix things.
In the time I saw the messages and came back home from work, he told her he had a lapse in judgment and wouldn’t be speaking to her again, blocked her on everything and planned to talk to me about it but I confronted his first.
This is not an easy situation to be in whatsoever. I chose to forgive my partner and we had no issues with this situation again, and he went to therapy to help himself and us. Trying to rebuilt that trust is probably one of the most difficult things I’ve had to do in a relationship. But it seems you have other issues at play to consider. Not only did this happen, but you’ve had other problems that have impacted the strength of your marriage. It seems he turned to the comfort of another woman during your marital struggles rather than focusing on rebuilding the relationship with you. That’s not okay, and you deserve more than that. It’s is not enough that he is scrambling to win you back now- he shouldn’t have done it in the first place.
I’m not the one that like to advocate for divorce but in your case I think you should. You weren’t happy for awhile now and no child involved.
If you are still love him and think he can change then go for counseling, otherwise don’t waste your money.
You’re only 32. If you’re not happy there’s no point in staying just because you’re comfortable with him. Leave. You already knew that tho. Best of luck. I’m sorry for your heartbreak. I know that shit hurts.
My ex did this… I found out about another woman he was talking to at his new job. He said someone gave her his number. I wasn’t believing it, so he got his friend to lie for him. I knew they were all lying. I snatched his phone, locked myself in the car and went through it. There were several women, several sexual conversations, requests for nudes…. we were together for years. He explained to me that he was going through a lot and didn’t feel good about himself, so he talked to other women for attention.
If they do it once, they will do it again. It wasn’t a “goof.” He wanted to see another woman’s naked body. He liked the attention he got from her…
If he isn’t serious about fixing things and won’t do MC, then I would tell him that you don’t think that this marriage is going to work and you want out. If he’s not cheating then it sounds like you are on a one-way street with a man who isn’t attracted to you anymore! Sorry, but this happened to a friend of mine and her husband forgot her birthday and didn’t want her around their mutual friends and when she said she wanted a divorce he started crying and told her ok, and apologized to her because he wasn’t attracted to her .
Leave him he’s definitely done this with other women while u haven’t noticed yet
Take some time away from your situation. Go on a trip or stay somewhere to get yourself some time to clear your head and be able to see outside of your current circle. You will be surprised at how things look when you are not standing in the middle of it.
Not only analyze his mistakes… because he has clearly made mistakes. Analyze yours also. Based on both, make your own conclusion… we’re all humans, nobody’s perfect
You have every right to leave. I would. He was supposed to be working on the two of you. Not working an ex. I doubt he’s serous about your marriage. Just panicking after getting caught. As soon as the shock settles. He’ll be right back to being the cheating jackass. How long have they been in communication? Because you just don’t text someone after years of silence and ask for a naked photo.
A snake! Divorce him yesterday!
At this point all you could do is ,get that self esteem of yours and leave him ,he ain’t even sure about what is doing and was unexplainable
You don’t need to stay with someone who cheats , you definitely deserve better .
Was his request before or after the divorce talk?
What was the woman’s response?
You do know there are ways of traveling, correct?
Can you tell that she reciprocated his advances?
Don’t stay. This happened to me since June 2021 and I’m still so sad.
“It’s not the first time he’s done this, just the first time he’s been caught”
You’ve tried. Sounds like you’ve given it your all. You gotta decide if enough is enough, we can’t tell you that.
Time to leave and be thankful there are no kids.. Find yourself another guy that will respect you and be yours and yours alone…
Seeing a Counselor is very smart . Take it from there to work out the issues, and to see if the marriage is worth saving. Also, he needs to not continue interactions that are out of bounds.
My personal feelings on this, and it is a positive that there aren’t children bcz issues tend to end up worse when a couple have them. It’s due to stress and lack of sleep, things snowball. Children are great and all, but so much work. A relationship should have kinks worked out before having kids, ideally but realistically not always the case.
Wishing you luck .
My first relationship had this happen and turned out he was doing it throughout our relationship. From the very beginning. I left. He kept saying he loved me and wouod change so o came back. He stsrted it all up again after 3 weeks of being a good boy.
Only you can decide what you want. Maybe try cohnselling and see what happens but after my experience where i was constantly made to think i should stay cause it was over the phone and not physical, i have realised that it doesnt matter. He knew it was a problem for me snd did it anyway. Therefore it was cheating. Whether he wants to admit that or not.
Divorce. He was straight up disrespectful by not respecting the boundaries yall put at the beginning.
Put yourself first, you deserve MUCH better.
He’s not going to change. If he had taken responsibility it might be different but “a goof gone too far” is a ridiculous and disrespectful lie.
Take a chance on therapy, you may be glad for it if the marriage really does end. But I don’t think he’s going to do the right thing
He is a loser and he’s making you feel bad. I’d dump him for the lack of sex. He’s spending his sexual energy on someone he deems worthy, while withholding it from you. Fuck that!
Usually this behaviour doesn’t stop. And this may be the first time you’ve caught him, but I highly doubt it’s the first time he’s done this. He’s just going to get better at hiding it. It’s also a very common theme for the guilty party to play it off as a joke that went too far or a goof. This is a cop out because they don’t want to fully admit they willingly and conciously cheated. This behaviour isn’t a joke or a “whoops”. It’s a decision. That he made. That he knew would hurt you. And he did it anyway. Poor character. I think this relationship is done. I’m sorry OP. You deserve a hell of a lot better than this.
I was with my ex husband for 8 years. He started talking to other women and I could feel in my gut that he was being shady. I confronted him, he confessed. Never “technically” cheated. Trust was still broken, I left. We tried to work on things, but being away from him made me realize how unhappy I was and how much I wanted the divorce. So, for me, once the trust broke, I couldn’t trust him again, especially when it came to light that there was more than one woman he was talking to like that. Only you can decide if you can trust your husband again. No one else can tell you. For me, it was a no. Try counseling. See if it works. If not, do what you need to do to be happy.
I had something pretty similar happen with someone I had been seeing for about a year. Finding out was like a literal punch to the gut, I couldn’t breathe and I sobbed for hours. My reaction was real and visceral, I assume yours was too, don’t ever let anyone tell you that those feelings weren’t real or valid. The incident coincided with him having a mental breakdown and threatening suicide so I didn’t leave immediately. We tried couples counselling and I think it was our second session when I realized what kind of person he was. The night before he had admitted to me he still had feelings for the girl involved. But then in front of the counselor he denied having ever said that. It blew me away what he must think of me to lie so blatantly. He also tried to fix things by proposing super publicly. It was a LOT of shit in a very short amount of time, maybe a couple of months? And then one day it just hit me what kind of future I would have with this person. I ended the relationship at that moment.
So what I’m saying is, it is still a valid betrayal and only you can decide if it’s worth getting past. Take all the time and space you need to decide what this means for you. And if he doesn’t do everything in his power to acknowledge the poor choice (notice that I did not call it a mistake or goof!) he made and put in real effort to repair the relationship, then no, it’s not worth it to fight for him.
The only time Reddit even thinks about making a marriage work is IF kids are involved. Another post used the quote by Steve Harvey “never let a man tell you twice that he doesn’t want you”
Each time you take him back he will push the boundaries of what he can get away with.
Love yourself first.
I do have experience with staying after cheating. Actually been together 4 more years since it happened. You have to work at it. There are days you will want to quit but if you love him and he truly wants to fix what he broke he will do so. After 3 years mine had my trust back but he had to earn every little but I gave him. He does not do anything that may make think he was cheating again. He works and comes home and every other month they have a guy’s night. I also trust his friends would be honest with me if he ever stepped out of line. We aren’t married but we do have kids and if not for them I would have walked away. But it’s completely up to you. Good luck.
Get the divorce. You snooped. He is talking to other women. Both of you are in the wrong. He isn’t going to stop with the other woman and you aren’t going to trust him.
Point blank, fuck that mother Fer. Move on! I pray for a fadt healing for you. You deserve better.
I would not stay. I would always be second guessing his actions.
It’s time to move on. Get a great lawyer and move on.
Read “I love you but I don’t trust you” first and then make your decision it really helps organize your thoughts and feelings & validates them so you can make the best decision for yourself
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