Thursday, March 23, 2023
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Husband blinded by sil, but I’m not backing down

My (29F) husband (36 M) and I are currently in the middle of a really heated argument regarding the safety of our 17 month old son. I’m extremely exhausted and I want to make sure I’m not overreacting or being too momma bearish.

My husband is very close to his sister and over the course of our 5 year relationship we’ve had many instances where he would put her and her children above our relationship. While I think their relationship borders on incredibly weird, I have accepted that she is his soft spot.

Over the last 17 months, my sil has not really tried to spend time with my son except to try and separate me from my family. She hates me and has literally told me so to the point she even tried to turn my mother against me. Which is fine with me because I think she’s a garbage human being and a terrible mother. Last Sunday my sil called my husband and informed him that she had broken up with a guy she had convinced the family they had broken up 2 years ago because of a legal situation. After she dumped this guy, he not only attacked the guy she was now seeing, but he showed up outside her home with a gun and had to be arrested by the police. The guy is now out of jail and is known to act recklessly.

Now this is all important to what has caused our argument. While at work today, my husband texted me that while I’m working on Sunday he was wanting to allow her to take our son to her home and he was going to enjoy alone time. I have no problem with her wanting to spend time with our son or my husband having alone time (even though it has caused arguments when I mentioned I needed it). I do have a problem with my sil taking our son to her home when she has this psycho ex already showing up at her house. I mentioned this to my husband and he was willing to ask her to move it to his mother’s. I’m still not entirely comfortable, but it will do.

In the past I have a habit of not fully expressing how I feel in attempt to avoid an argument, so we have an agreement that I should completely say how I feel during the moment. I told him I didn’t understand how he could feel comfortable allowing our son to go to his sister’s house when 1. last time she kept him he cried for 3 hours and she refused to let us know so he’s not comfortable with her 2. She has a psycho ex wanting to shoot her. He continues to stress he doesn’t see there’s any risk and that I’m completely being ridiculous. I’m completely baffled how he doesn’t see any risk and that he was willing to put our son at risk for his comfort.

I already know my marriage is in shambles as it is and I’ve let far more go than i should have, but I don’t think I’m wrong in this situation. I’m in desperate need of some advice.

1.the reason I said it would be ok at my mil home is because at the very least my mil would take care of my son. I trust my mil.
2. Relationships aren’t black and white. When my sil has her own life my husband is a great dad. Not always the best husband but i know i have my flaws too. It’s been nearly a year since I truly had an issue because he has been the father he needs to be. Not always the best husband but I’m not always the best wife.
3. I told my husband if he wants alone time that badly, I would take our son to my mother’s whom since moving closer takes care of him every today my husband and I both work.
4. I always fear my hatred of my sil clouds my judgment which is the reason I posted here in the first place.
5. I just recently went back to work after being out of work for nearly 14 months to take care of my son. I left my career to take care of my child because of childcare costs. I’m working a barely above minimum wage job and I’m doing the best I can so a lawyer isn’t in my budget right now.

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  1. You have a husband that puts other people above his family, puts your feelings aside, puts the safety of your child aside and gives his sister whatever she wants. Tell me again where you and your son benefit from him being around. Name one thing that he does that is selfless and is in the best interest of you and your son. Girl, you don’t need advice, you need a divorce.

  2. I mean…I don’t think you’re going to win this one. Sorry OP. But if your marriage is already “in shambles” and he doesn’t care to see reason about the safety of your children, then I think you know what you have to do.

    Reddit can’t help you win an argument with someone who won’t see reason, but if you need encouragement that you are justified to leave him, we will provide that. If you need justification that she is a danger to your child, we can validate that. And if you need legal advice, there’s legal advice subreddits you can ask questions in, and perhaps you need to consider speaking to a lawyer. Depending on where you are, court orders in visitation can include conditions about locations the child can be.

    No, you are not crazy.

    Yes, she and your husband are a danger to your child.

    Yes, it’s time to act.

  3. I understand you feel like you’re overbearing, but you have to understand this isn’t about you anymore. Your husband’s dismissiveness is something you shouldn’t have tolerated your entire relationship, but now it is something that absolutely *must not* stand, as it could reasonably get your child injured, or killed.

    He is the father of a barely 1 year old. Getting “a day off” should not be his priority. His family (you), especially his child and their safety and well-being should be his priority. You absolutely have to make this clear, and stand strong that while that psycho is a threat to your sil, you absolutely won’t let your kid stay with her without your own supervision.

    Whatever arguments this may cause, no matter how much he tries to tell you you’re “being dramatic”, stick to your guns. The arguments will be so much worse, and so heartbreaking if anything were to happen to your child.

    As an aside, please don’t tolerate your husband’s passivity and weird relationship with his sister in the rest of your relationship anymore. Besides being incredibly unfair and disrespectful to you, it’ll teach your kid that these types of things are normal in a relationship, *which they certainly aren’t*. Your situation sounds so extreme, you may even have to consider divorce.

    ETA: omg I just saw your post history, *why* are you still with this man???? His sister sexually gropes him, and had him listed on documents as *her* husband?????? Get your son and get out of there!!!!!!

  4. Your husband has to make a choice he should have made a long time ago when his sister tried to turn your family against you. Either you go, or his sister goes. There’s not enough room in your life for both of you. You shouldn’t have to tolerate this type of disrespect.

    Your husband has no backbone. He will blindly follow his family into a potentially deadly situation. He has to make that choice. Your and your son’s safety depends on it.

  5. Ok so first you say this:

    > I have no problem with her wanting to spend time with our son

    But then this?

    > last time she kept him he cried for 3 hours and she refused to let us know so he’s not comfortable with her

    So you have no problem with this moron who your kid hates taking care of him? This moron who has a homicidal ex, who can surely find out your MILs address?

    >I have accepted that she is his soft spot.

    You need to accept that your husband is YOUR soft spot. You are allowing your son to be in an unsafe situation just to avoid making your wussy baby husband upset? Get a grip

  6. I would just inform your husband he is a being a peice of shit by exposing you daughter to danger just to relax. At that point all civility goes out the window for me. He is willing to put his kids in danger just to have me time??? What a fuck stick.

    See a lawyer serve the papers and go for sole custody even if it will fail.

  7. Try to find anybody else to watch your son on Sunday. Letting a baby cry for three hours is abuse. You should have a problem with that, even without a psycho ex. She should never be alone with your child. Maybe a babysitter could take him to her house or she could come to your house and watch him while your husband has alone time in another room. But your SIL should not be an option.

  8. after reading your story, the only logical advice i can give you is divorce.. your husband constantly put his sisters needs and his own above your and your kids needs. im all for some alone time every now and then, but come on. your kids is 17 months old and has at least 1 or maybe 2 nap times. he can rest then imo. i did that with my kids. im a guy btw as well. and never in a million years i would think to willingly put my child in a situation where a gun wielding madman can drop by. like wtf. and on top of that, his sister clearly isnt capable of looking after kids when your child cried for three hours straight last time he/she was there without even informing you. and he willingly wants to put his child through that again? for what a bit of rest?? some alone time, sorry but thats just insane imo.

    so to conclude, if you already know your marriage is in shambles and your husband clearly cares more for others than for his own family, i personally think its time to grow some backbone and leave that situation..

  9. You are not wrong. It’s crazy. If your SIL does not respect you she should not get alone time with your son. What will she say to him about you? Nothing good. Your husband should be prioritizing his child’s safety, not his sister’s ego. She is not a coparent. Please start documenting her behavior, your husband’s behavior, and the poor decision making you observe. Should you reach a point where you are considering divorce your documentation will help you regarding custody. I think there are three people in your marriage and you come third. You deserve better.

  10. I don’t blame you a bit. Is there a friend or teenager that could watch your child for a hours? Then he gets his alone time, you can work without worry, and he isn’t in harm’s way with SIL. I would think this would be a better answer for all involved.

  11. Whoa. I’ve seen your other posts and comments. Why are you with this man? Seriously, why would you stay with him? His relationship with his sister is twisted. It’s beyond reprehensible. There’s some seriously sick stuff going on here. I really hope you’re reading the comments and taking them to heart. You have to get out of this marriage. You need to protect your baby. Your SIL might be unhinged enough to hurt your child at some point just to spite you. Or her crazy ex shows up and your little one is caught in the crossfire, just because your terrible excuse for a husband wants “alone time”. Your husband is not a husband, at least not to you. He’s fulfilling that role for his sister who has attempted to PUT HER HANDS DOWN HIS PANTS right in front of you! Something about their relationship is majorly not right and you are in for a world of hurt if you don’t get out now. Please get a lawyer and a therapist. Get yourself and your child out of this situation. Stop trying to make it work, it will not. He has been clear with you that his sister comes before you and your child. Hear him. Stop looking the other way. He’s telling you how it is and that it will never change. PLEASE leave him. It breaks my heart to know you’re going through this and I am hoping you don’t have to for much longer.

  12. I wouldn’t be comfortable with my kids going anywhere near the SIL for all
    If the reasons in your post. The gun is just the one I would use because I would expect no contest to such an argument. Stand fast.

  13. You willing brought a kid into a situation you knew was toxic and unhealthy. Time to step up and start being good parent. File for divorce, custody and child support and get your kid away from their asshole father and his sistergirlfriend (read OP’s past posts!) Their relationship is not healthy and neither is yours.

  14. I get you’re feeling like an exposed nerve. Totally understandable. In this situation, as others have said, your uncomfortableness is warranted. That’s it, end of discussion. You are not wrong. Per your post history, I would not blame you at all from distancing yourself and your son from the in-laws.

  15. He is the one being ridiculous.

    The sister neglects your child so why does she even want to take him? Or is it that he wants to spend Sunday alone? Three hours crying is way too much for a child!

    Of course she shouldn’t take him to her house with the psycho ex around.

    Don’t you have a friend who can take care of the kid while you work?

  16. You need to see a divorce lawyer. You cannot let up on the safety of your child. SIL is unstable so put foot your down on your husband’s demand and keep your child away from her. Have a bag packed since it looks like it’s time to leave. He can have all the alone time that he wanted, which is also suspicious.

  17. Lets ignore anything else and just confirm. You’re not in the wrong. It is a dangerous environment and I’d be more worried if you didn’t consider your child’s safety. If this ex broke in to kill her he may decide to kill kids too, he’s already going to jail for life and accepted it after all, worst case may kill kids but not sil to make her suffer. Now even if he was just threatening her there is still the chance that trauma of him showing up with a gun means sil breaks down and can’t take care of baby all day and if husband is there he’s juggling baby and sil. Mils place was a great idea.

  18. Not just your child but you do too

    Very proud of you for working on getting out
    You will go through a did I do the right thing and go through sadness that is all normal.

    Your not alone remember that.

    Keep us updated.

  19. If anybody says you’re wrong in this situation they are an idiot. I implore you to triple down. This is your baby we are talking about here. That fact that both your husband and SIL can be so carefree about your VALID concerns is beyond irresponsible.

  20. I don’t know what state you live in, but there is Legal Aid in most places.

    I myself didn’t qualify for it, but also didn’t have money for a lawyer, so I did mine pro se. That’s an option too, just make sure you research EVERYTHING.

  21. Put your foot down and tell your husband that only your MIL can take your son to her house or he stays home under your husband’s care. Else ask him to hire a nanny to take care of the boy when he wants to spend alone time.

  22. Your husband and his sister sound like they have a “Crimson Peak” relationship. The fact that he doesn’t seem to care that he is putting his son in danger, just so he can have some “me time” says it all. Divorce and full custody is the only option at this point.

  23. I spent years working in child protection services in a couple of states so based on that experience, here’s what I’ve got…
    If you are aware of someone’s dangerous (even potentially) situations and/or behaviors, and you let them take care of your child, if something happens, you are equally as responsible as the “offender” if something happens that compromises your child’s safety/well-being.
    Each state is different, but that’s a pretty standard thing. You can call your local office and ask them – what happens if my husbad goes against my wishes and…. You can explain that you just want information, and they will generally tell you.
    On that same note, if your sil has kids (I don’t remember if you said she does or not), you can report her, anonymously. Good luck to you!

  24. Find a place to go, leave while he is at work, and file for divorce, he isn’t going to change and his sister his toxic! I wouldn’t worry about an ultimatum ,because when he finds you and your son gone, that’s when you tell him that you are done with him and his sister and you want a divorce! They sound sick and twisted and I would NEVER trust her with my child!!! Sorry you are going through this!

  25. If you don’t stop this bs now, your husband and his sister will have a merry little family with your son and leave you in the sidelines. If she tried to turn your own mother against you, regardless of how terrible she is, do you not think she’ll do the same with your child? Your husband is a terrible partner and father. You deserve better.

    Edit: nah, you’re just as bad as them if you’re okay leaving your son with her after the incident where he wouldn’t stop crying and she didn’t tell you why. Stop being a fucking doormat, for the sake of your child.

  26. He is putting his own needs above the safety and comfort of his child.

    You know this isn’t about his relationship with his sister.

    What don’t you understand about his selfishness?

    You are a protective mother, he is a lackluster father at best.

    He just doesn’t care about the risk, he cares more about having a day to himself.

    You cannot argue enough to make him understand that his choices are bad at best, seriously risk of emotional/physical harm at worst. Because he doesn’t want to give up a day of whatever for his child. He does not care enough to want to understand.

    You got a concession in that he might take your child to his mothers, but I would not count on that happening.

    It is because you put your child first and he doesn’t and doesn’t want to.

  27. As people like to say here – No is a complete sentence.

    Your husband sounds like he let’s his Sis take advantage of him and why would she actually want to watch a 17 mo old – that is not fun and most people don’t actually ask for that privilege, especially from someone they don’t get along with.

  28. I wouldnt want her near my child not even without her ex issue, imagine how far i would want her after reading about her ex.

    I wouldnt accept my husband near her after the ex drama, just in case the ex wanted some sort of revenge hurting family or he mistook husband with some boyfriend of hers.

    She is trouble. Get as far away as possible!

    Dont ever let your kid bond with her, bc she wilk try to make your kid hate you.

    We all have someone like this in the family and the secret is always low contact. Not zero, just low.

  29. You are not wrong. Your husband is not taking his duties as a parent seriously enough. A part of a parents duty is keeping a child safe. Your son does not feel safe around your sister-in-law and more likely for a good reason. No child clings to someone who makes them feel unsafe.

  30. Id say you need to put your foot down youre really not comfortable with it. Not happening. If he cant respect that id honestly say you could file for divorce if thats what you really want and this would be a good argument for custody.

  31. Your marriage does not sound happy..Sounds like your on breaking point but worried you can not do alone.

    Your moms not a mom…is there anyone by else in family or close friends that can baby sit while you work?

    Do you make enough to be on your own?

    Sil and hubby will not change..I bet she would be a major bridzilla lol.

    Best thing is move money out of joint..start banking up all you can.

    And when ready talk to a lawyer

    Get a devorce.

    Also start document conversation put date and roughly time basics what happened and said
    The more you have to show court the better you do..other wise it is she said he said and sil and hubby against you.

    Document all and hide your stuff. So they do not know your documenting.

    I know its bad to snoop but can you snoop his phone to see their conversations

    Keep us up dated please.

  32. I think op is the one that’s blinded, no way your baby is entangled in this mess and you are not doing every and anything to remove him from that environment.
    The SIL clearly has her own issues to deal with, but continuing to expose yourself and your child to it is now your own doing, the signs cannot be more clear that you need to cut ties.

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