Tuesday, March 21, 2023
HomeRelationship AdviceHusband said something hurtful about fertility struggles

Husband said something hurtful about fertility struggles

My husband (33m) and I ((30f) have been trying to get pregnant since December 2021, so almost a full year. I am starting my fertility testing this month and my husband’s appointment with a urologist is scheduled for December (nothing sooner). I just got my period unexpectedly today so I had to schedule bloodwork for day 3 and I need to figure out when to schedule my HSG procedure for. I was telling my husband some fears of mine regarding the HSG, like I am worried that they will find something wrong with my uterus or something else. He voiced his fears too, but not about that. He said “I don’t want to spend money we don’t have on your infertility. I don’t want to pay to give you a baby.” And immediately started talking about IVF. I am also extremely worried about possibly needing IVF when we can’t even afford to do one round of it if it is not covered by insurance. It’s how he said it. He said “my infertility.” While it seems more likely to be the fault of mg body, it could still be his sperm. We don’t know yet. And even if it is my body, it’s his issue too. It’s his baby too. I don’t think he said it to hurt me. But it did hurt me. He said it in the parking lot of the supermarket so I couldn’t even respond. I cried hysterically when I got home and he left for work. I don’t even know how to address this with him. He didn’t know the difference between IUI and IVF so it is clear that he never read the short article I sent him.

Update: My husband does want kids and wants to be a father. He did not have a father in his life and always wanted better for his own kids. We talk about our future kids every day and we have a baby name list.

We have been married for a little over one year after getting together November 2019. We moved into our house a year after being together. Money is extremely tight because of the mortgage and other house related expenses. I just got my first job out of grad school last week.
I was diagnosed with PCOS last year. My periods had become more regular for like 5 months and an ultrasound a few months ago showed no little cysts in my ovaries, so the PCOS seems to have reversed itself. My OBGYN talked about wanting to start me wit IUI immediately after the HSG procedure but said that we needed to wait until after my husband’s sperm test. My husband is a workaholic and kept forgetting to schedule that appointment which is why it is scheduled for December and not November.

View Reddit by peaceloveliliacsView Source



  1. > He said “I don’t want to spend money we don’t have on your infertility. I don’t want to pay to give you a baby.” And immediately started talking about IVF.

    Ouch. You should have simply looked him in the eye and said “but you expect me to spend money we don’t have on YOUR infertility? How comes you making these sorts of statements without even having read the articles I sent you in detail?”

    You’re supposed to be a team….in your shoes, I’d stop the fertility journey, and get into couple’s therapy instead.

  2. “Pay to give you a baby”. Are you sure he wants kids?

    That phrase makes it sound like he’s doing you a favor. If so you might want to look for someone who actually wants children.

    This guy may not be dad material.

  3. About 70% of women your age get pregnant within a yr, some a little longer, so you’re still within a completely normal range though I can sympathize with how worrisome it is anyways.

    That said, are you completely sure that he wants to have children? What kind of role does he see himself playing as a father?

    On the most optimistic side, he said what he said bc female fertility issues are typically much more expensive to treat than male ones.

    Paired with his apparent lack of research (though i’d have a convo clarifying that he wasnt just overwhelmed and confused about the terms) makes me think that he simply isnt as committed as you are though.

    This next bit may be harsh – if you’re unable to have these kinds of conversations in a healthy, supportive way as a team, you probably shouldnt be having kids together. The potential issues that can arise with kids, even perfectly healthy ones, are often incredibly stressful.

  4. I have PCOS and 3 kids. My eldest has it and has two.

    I would imagine you are both under a huge amount of stress and this is exactly the sort of thing I feel counselling is made for. So many emotions tied to TTC and feelings towards yourself and your partner and the process and if it is even worth it, it’s a roller coaster. If he is otherwise loving and you can talk through this, I wouldnt worry about it. But at least try to find some sort of group support for what you are going thru.

  5. “Pay to give you a baby” So it is just yours?! It isn’t to get both of you a baby?! And if he can’t even support you in this situation, how can he support you in a pregnancy, with a newborn and the minimum 18 years raising “your” child. Are you sure that you want a child with this man?

    Maybe your body tell you “no, not with him!”. You are maybe to stressed and this also affects the possibility to get pregnant.

    Please, try to relax. Don’t worry so much about your appointment. Try to think positive. Trying for 10 months isn’t really much. If you took hormonal birth control, it can also be that it take one month till your body is ready again. And you just have such a short time frame in each months to really get pregnant. And then stress can also be a big part why it doesn’t work. So take deep breath and don’t think about “what if…”.

  6. It’s honestly pretty rude of him to say “your infertility” when you are a couple. Even if the issue is something with your ovulation it should still be “our” infertility. Also you never know, my SIL and her husband were having infertility problems and it seemed like it definitely because of her health (she has 2 autoimmune diseases including thyroid/hormone imbalances on top of also being diabetic) but then after testing it turned out that it was on his end (he seems perfectly healthy, active lifestyle etc)! And I have known 2 couples like that where everything pointed at the woman’s health and then it wasn’t. So there is absolutely no way to know for certain whose “fault” it is without testing and your husband hasn’t even gotten the test done yet.

  7. So, what’s he going to do if he finds out he has a problem? I you going to support him on with “his” fertility issue?

    I would have tore him a new asshole for that shitty comment. I’d also would have serious conversation with him and if I wasn’t satisfied with his response I would have 2nd thoughts/

  8. Y’all need to pump the brakes after your HSG and get some therapy. It very much sounds like he’s already decided the infertility is “your fault” and “your problem”, which is an insane conclusion to make before you’ve had a single test done.

    It’s possible he’s just going through some shit and lashing out rather than accept that he might not be as virile as he thought, but you have to get that sorted out before you start fertility treatments. You do not want to go into that as anything other than a solid team.

  9. Honestly he is treating this like he is getting you a pet to take care of as opposed to committing to bringing a whole ass new human into the world. Is that really the kind of guy you want to have a baby with?

  10. As a married woman with PCOS I’m so sorry for the struggle that you’re going through. PCOS comes with fertility issues relating to low progesterone so it very well may be you. I am Child free by choice so I don’t quite relate to your feelings about wanting a child, but I will say with some certainty that it sounds like he does not want children as much as you do. This is probably his way of showing you that. It’s financially irresponsible to bring your future child into a situation where you can’t afford them. If you can’t afford IVF or other medical procedures you won’t be able to afford the costs associated with childre and especially not afford the child’s medical procedures should an emergency rise during or after they are born. I’m not trying to kick you while you’re down just let you know of the reality of the situation. Your husband was inconsiderate but he might be showing his true feelings on the matter. I hope you listen to him and understand where he’s coming from. He might not be the father for you if you want a child before all else.

  11. I had PCOS, and we tried for the years to have a baby. Turns out he had an infection and had to be on antibiotics for 6 months.

    He’s making assumptions and needs to stop.

  12. Infertility can be rough on a couple. There’s a chance he’s just a dick, but the stress of it all might also be getting to him, including the possibility that it is MFI. Obviously, he can’t fucking say shit like that, he needs to get a grip on his fears (if that’s what this is, you say he really does want to be a dad) so they don’t come leaking out places that are hurtful like this.

    We had MFI. It sucks. Actually, sometimes I wished it “was me” as it seemed that there were more treatment options, whereas low sperm had some meds but largely was like “IUI isn’t worth it, just do IVF.” But at the end of the day it was our infertility, our treatment, both our bodies involved.

    This, tbh, is exactly what couples therapy can be good for. Infertility is hard. Either he’s a class A ass or this was emotions relating to something else leaking out here, like fear of infertility. Couples therapy can help him work out what’s going on and help you two support each other in a way that you both want and value as you continue moving through your fertility stuff.

    But don’t underestimate how hard infertility is on you both as a couple but also individuals. Easily was the hardest time my husband and I have gone through as a couple, in terms of the pressure on our relationship.

  13. It sounds like he may be struggling a bit with the difficulty getting you pregnant as well.

    If it were me, I wouldn’t say anything at this time if he hasn’t said anything else like that. I’m also trying to get pregnant and having some difficulties and I know how I can get when I’m feeling stressed or worried, so I’d chalk it up to that. If my husband said something like this again, then I’d chat with him and explain it wad hurtful and remind him of the last comment as well.

    But, you know your husband better than us. If you think something needs to be said now, just sit him down and explain it was hurtful. Tell him it seemed like he was blaming you and how much you are [worried/scared/feeling it may be you/stressed/etc]. Just make sure to approach it kindly. Even if his comment came off as rude and unkind, it’s important to remember he may be feeling worried or stressed too and may not have realized how his words sounded.

  14. He’s stressed over the burdens of supporting you financially and emotionally. The money thing will sort itself out maybe since you got a job. Maybe not since you may not keep working because you’ll get pregnant. The emotional support issue will sort itself out, too, if everything stops being the end of the world.

    Focus on finances. Try to relax on the baby thing and take your time addressing it. Lots of women are told they have reproductive issues and then get pregnant unexpectedly. The fact is that life usually finds a way if you keep at it. Stressing out doesn’t help.

  15. Well I mean hopefully it’s his issue so then you can make a nasty comment like he did to you. But I also understand he might be having some fear of the cost. It is going to end up being if you have infertility or he has infertility It’s not cheap at all. There are so many children that need to be adopted and it’s much cheaper.

  16. I honestly think that most couples that need IVF are because the husband’s penis is too tiny to successfully ejactulate into a vagina, reach target, and make baby. I said what I said. It’s evolutionary weeding at it’s finest. I can almost guarantee if you were to have sex with somebody else, you’d probably be able to get pregnant. So it’s a him problem, not you most likely. But of course he’s going to put the onus completely on you. Wait for the testing to get back. There’s nothing wrong with you, you probably don’t have a high body count and don’t even realize that your husband’s penis is underperforming or defective, but no we never say that, we just blame the women automatically. What he said was hurtful. Don’t discount how he left you stranded instead of being a team player. I’m sure he does this in all other arenas of your relationship as well. If there’s a success, he takes credit, if there’s an issue, you’re alone.

Comments are closed.

Most Popular