In 2020, I saw a facebook chat between my husband and a girl I knew as his friend. It was an intense chat and very naughty. He said it was nothing and it was all jokes. I let it slide because they had been friends way before we met and he said he cut off all communications with her.
This morning, I saw a chat he has been having with an ex-student (she’s about 27 years old now). It seems this has been going on over two years and he’s been begging for her to come over for them to have physical sex. I am 36 weeks pregnant and we haven’t had sex since this pregnancy started because he kept declining sex and saying he’s worried about my health and the baby. I asked to give him a hand job or blow couple of times and he turned it down that he can’t get off that way. But in the chat, he told the girl he’d wait for her voice note so he could jerk off to the sound of her moaning. I give this man my 100 percent and support financially to ease up daily expenses. It seems this has been going on even before I had my first child and here I was, thinking how nice and sweet he had been and how he’s so different. He’s been apologizing and saying it’s all talks but then I notice he has no control when chatting with his female friends and has no boundaries. I feel so hurt and foolish. All I ever wanted was a happy home and I try my best to be so good to him, going the extra miles to make him happy. I texted the girl and she swore it was all talks. I can’t a love a man who does this and I feel sorry for my kids because I am from a broken home and I don’t want them to go through what I went through as a child. I need to start putting me first and saving up to leave if this continues.
I noticed how you gave yourself an out. Everything sounded good up until “start putting me first and saving up to leave if this continues.”. It’s time to leave now.
Once a cheater is caught they only get better at hiding it. If you think he hasn’t slept with other women you’re a fool. Not only is he a pervert for sleeping with his students but he’s cheating on his pregnant wife.
If a man was doing this to your daughter what would you tell her?
Set an example for your children or your son will do this to women/daughter will also let men do this to her.
You’ve caught him twice… But there’s probably dozens of times he’s actually cheated on you. For the sake of your pregnancy go get checked for STI’s. Syphilis is on the rise, and that’s not good for the baby.
If you stay with this man- you’re setting the example for your children that this behavior is not only acceptable, it’s the best they can hope for in a relationship of their own someday. Kids don’t benefit from parents “staying together for the kids”- it just means they’ll be stuck with two people who constantly argue and generally don’t like or trust each other. It’s not about putting yourself first- when you chose to become a parent you made a life choice that your focus was “best interests of the children”, and those best interests mean giving them good role models, which does not include a man who’s dating pool includes the children he used to teach and watched grow up.
If you’re supporting him financially: think of the savings when you separate.
>notice he has no control when chatting with his female friends
Yes he does. He chooses to do it because he wants to. Dont remove his agency from this situation.
What you have caught is the least he’s done, not the most.
I also told him now that means, I can’t ever trust him or vouch for him if someone throws an accusation at him. I have been blinded by his sweet acts for so long and we have been married for five years.
Please do not forgive him. Plesse make him miserable.
>I need to start putting me first and saving up to leave **if this continues.**
What do you mean if this continues? It will continue, he’ll just get better about hiding it.
You should start saving so you can leave **as soon as possible.**
*if this continues.*
Huh? It’s already continued, you caught him once remember?
Find some self respect
You have learned the hard way in need to put yourself first. Yes have an exit plan and make sure your finances are separate. Get advice from women who have had to do the same thing so you can learn from their mistakes. Good luck.
Start getting yourself mentally, emotionally, and financially ready to leave. It’s very hard for people to change, let alone he doesn’t have an intrinsic will to change. Chances are that he’s not going to change and you have to be ready to be the one to leave.
You don’t want your children growing up in such a space, you leaving would not only be better for you but also for you children. Atleast your children would have 2happy homes rather than 1 where there is trust issues, cheating, arguments, and all. He is definitely a PERVERT, he is not going to change. Don’t make a fool out of yourself by staying with such person.
Speak to a lawyer now, and follow their advise to get your affairs in order. Don’t tell your husband that you are doing this. Now might not be the right time to leave, but it pays to be prepared
Get and an sti check to make sure you aren’t passing anything to your baby.
>…leave if this continues
Look, it’s up to you whether you want a formal divorce or a separation or to stay married for the kids or whatever. But you need to fully understand that this is going to continue.
Honestly… This situation might not be the best for anyone, and I wish things had been taken more seriously by your husband. If he’s done this before he has to feel the repercussions now- you need to bring the hammer down. If he doesn’t want to continue being in a relationship with you he should be able to communicate it instead of just cheating on you. The fact that the girl you talked to didn’t apologize after she realized he was in a relationship (or knew the whole time) makes me upset that the culture around cheating has become so normalized.
I’d recommend sitting down to have a serious conversation about your children and let him know that the way he’s been acting is absolutely not acceptable. Watching porn and masturbating is different from talking to people you know in real life- that’s just cheating at that point. His lies and disingenuity are going to undermine any trust in the relationship and you aren’t going to sit around and let it happen. Be confident, be upfront, and be clear. If he has any way to get around what you’re saying he will.
In my relationships, I make it very clear I don’t date a cheater. It happens once, you’re gone. I think this is the only way boys will learn it’s not ok, and even then they sometimes think they can get away with it.
Both are obviously lying. Right now you and the baby are of paramount importance. Put him on notice if he want this marriage to work and have the child in his life he needs to mend his ways, cut off all contact and block the other girl on all platforms. He needs to be 100 % honest and transparent. That includes his phone, computer and whereabouts he broke the trust he has to fix it. Do what’s best for you and the child. If you think that husband should get a chance then definitely go for couples counselling.
I am so sorry.
You need to start planning to leave now
You’ve caught him cheating twice. You really think those are the only 2 times? One of those times is long term.
Also, he’s a teacher and she was his student. That’s predatory behavior.
No waiting to see, time to plan. Talk to your mom, talk to friends, whatever, but it’s time to plan
Also, get an STI test
**IF????????**
It’s been going on for 2 years!!!!! He will not stop, he can’t or wont.
I’m sorry you are dealing with this .
Kick his ass out!!! You do not have to leave HE does.
If this intimacy started while she was a student and he an employee at the same school, then the school will have a right to handle this situation. No one has the right to abuse any authority they have over anyone. Separately and privately talk to someone in the Human Resources department at the school about this. If this happened to one student, what will stop him from doing this to another? Somehow and in some way (without him knowing) find out the girl’s story. One way of doing this is to hire a private investigator to get evidence of cheating and to see if he has and still is abusing his authority as an employee of the school.
put your self and baby first you can definitely survive on your own without being financially stable, try to block the endless bullshit coming out of his mouth and enjoy relax with this pregnancy don’t ever let anyone take those few months of feeling every first kick or scan away from you, people like this will always try to make every special moment about them, you don’t need anyone you’ve got this!
I’m truly sorry you’re dealing with this situation, especially during a pregnancy, I can’t imagine how rough this is.
I think it’s clear that there’s really no saving this marriage. This is a long-term thing, and yes, her being a former student really just adds to the ick factor. Though, depending on how long ago she was his student, and how old your husband is, this could be more along the lines of full-blown predator or even grooming. Regardless of all those details, this should absolutely be a dealbreaker. This has been going on quite some time, he lied and gaslighted you about it when you first were suspicious, and how he acts with her and is so dismissive of you?
I doubt this is a singular incident either, especially with you mentioning he can’t be trusted with female friends. Seems like a pattern of behavior. I’m truly sorry about your children, but honestly, it’s better they’re not raised in such a toxic environment. They’d be much better off with a mother who is actually happy and thriving without a jackass of a husband she puts up with just for the kids sake.
And…Hold up…IF this continues? It will, it surely still is, start saving up and formulating a plan for leaving this situation. Honestly, I think you should already be out the door, but that’s just me. I hope you have a great support system in place with your loved ones, because now is the time to take full advantage of it.
So sorry this is your lot in this marriage. Get a divorce lawyer and get out. If you stay you will be throwing away even more of your best years on this asswipe. Kia Kaha!
Tell the board.