Sunday, March 26, 2023
HomeRelationship AdviceI (19F) have been in a relationship with a guy (21m) for...

I (19F) have been in a relationship with a guy (21m) for three months now, and I just found out he’s transgender. He doesn’t think it’s a problem that he never told me.

So yeah, long story short we met at college, became friends, and three months ago we started dating. Yesterday we went to my apartment and were about to do the ~frickety frack~ for the first time. You can imagine my surprise when he pulled his pants down and something was unexpectedly…missing, for lack of a better word. I asked him about it, and he said he’s trans. Started T when he was 17 and got top surgery two years ago. I got kinda upset and asked why he never told me, and he said because it didn’t matter. He 100% passes for cis otherwise. We got into a bit of a fight and he said something about me being a low-key tr@nsphobe. Good to hang around with trans people but would never date one. I tried to tell him he was wrong, but at that point he was getting his stuff and leaving. I felt so hurt, but after thinking about it for a while I was confused as to which of us was actually in the wrong. He hasn’t texted or called me since, and he was actively ignoring me at school today. Could definitely use some help here. I don’t want him to hate me, but I really think he should have told me.

TL;DR, my boyfriend of three months didn’t tell me he was trans until I saw him naked for the first time. He doesn’t think it matters that he never told me and said I was low-key tr@nsphobic for caring. He hasn’t contacted me since and has actively ignored me when I’ve seen him in public.

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  1. I get everyone has a different opinion on this, but as a trans guy here’s my personal take:

    If you want to sleep with someone, or want to persue a relationship (especially if you’re expecting it to get serious) you gotta tell the person you’re getting with *before* any of this stuff. My boyfriend (of two years) knew before we started dating, and we had a serious talk about it in which he asked questions, and we just cleared the air around it, right when we started dating. Like within the first few days. He knew everything about my transition (or lack thereof) up to that point, what I was hoping to do in the future, etc. We’re both bi, it’s not a problem, but I’ve never heard of a trans person hiding this part of their identity in a relationship and it ending well for anyone.

    You’re not in the wrong here at all, and you’re not a transphobe. Sounds like he might be a little sensitive about him being trans.

  2. That was incredibly insensitive on his part.

    I’m bi, and bottom parts don’t necessarily matter to me. But, it would be an incredibly large turn off to be surprised in a situation like that.

    Having a genital preference doesn’t make you phobic, and certainly not when being blindsided in a situation such as this.

  3. Not a transphobe. He hid a very important part of the sexual encounter to you and you gave misinformed consent. He probably guessed you were going to refuse him if you knew, but as a potential sexual partner it is your right to be well informed of the situation. Genitals don’t matter when you’re talking about friends or acquaintances, but they certainly do for sex. He is handling his fear of rejection and/or having a transphobic partner very badly. This is not on you.

  4. Yeah, okay. I’m bisexual, so for sex I never cared about what people were “packing”.

    That said, springing that “surprise” on you REEKS of a man attempting to corner you into sex, because if you don’t, you’re a transphobe. It’s a disgusting thing to do.

    Nobody is entitled to your body, and trying to shame you as a transphobe when you denied him sex says he has no respect for your boundaries, and attempted to slap the “transphobe” sticker on you as a way to pressure you into sex.

    Any normal person, trans or otherwise knows that this is not an OK thing to do.

    Sex is a tremendously intimate thing and these things NEED to be discussed beforehand.

  5. Yeah, you’re the one in the right here. Just like he gets to live his life in the way he wants, so do you. What he did was a really crappy thing to do to someone. You are straight up not the one at fault.

  6. That’s messed up. He took away your autonomy. That’s something major. Let the person chose if they want to be with you regardless of your differences. It’s important to be honest about stuff like this.

  7. Yeah I would dump him so fast. You are not transphobic because he misled you and/or because you are not compatible with a man without a penis or not attracted to a trans person. You can support trans without being in a relationship or having sex with them because they are not your preference.

  8. You’re not transphobic, he’s a fucking asshole who should have told you from the start. It’s a massive abuse of your trust and you have nothing to be ashamed of.

  9. To me it’s more about bold-face lying to you and than gaslighting you about your feelings.

    No, fuck off guy. You’re lying, and if you whipped out a cock yourself I bet he wouldn’t have been pleased.

  10. How could you possibly be confused who was in the wrong?

    It’s not transphobic to want to date a biological male with male parts. Anyone who tells you otherwise is a manipulative, gaslighting lunatic.

    He hid a crucial piece of information and detail about his life from you, the person he’s in a romantic relationship with. That’s not on you.

  11. Here’s my opinion:

    1. When the relationship started becoming physical, he should have told you he’s trans. Not having the proper “equipment” may damage a relationship. He should be proud he’s trans, and be willing to share that information, and be willing to accept the relationship may be terminated.
    2. Having a sexual preference does not make a person transphobic. I support LGBT rights. I also will never date a male (I’m a male myself). And that should be accepted.

    He is not entitled to a relationship, and neither are you. Relationships must be earned through trust and honesty which he violated. Block him.

  12. You’re not a transphobe. You are allowed to have preferences. You have not discriminated against him, your are accepting of him as a person, but you do not wish to be suprised by genitals that do not align with your expectations.

    If he had been open and honest about things, then this may have ended differently.

    He should have told you, and it totally does matter, you shouldn’t have to find out when the pants come off, you should know well before then. Informed consent is a thing.

  13. You need to block this person. He’s immature, selfish and chronically online with this “it doesn’t matter” nonsense.

    Under no circumstances is it socially acceptable to pull down your pants and surprise people with something you know for a fact they wouldn’t be expecting.

    It’s not even about being trans necessarily. There was a similar post on Reddit a few years back about a guy who went to have sex with a woman that had a mastectomy (cancer I think)

    But she didn’t mention it and she had been wearing fake breasts, so when he took her top off .. he was blindsided. It’s such an unfair thing to do to someone.

    I get it. It can be embarrassing and make you feel vulnerable when there’s an abnormality about your body, but if you’re going to be in intimate with someone, you need to find the courage to just discuss it beforehand. At no point should anyone be surprised like that during sex. Your boyfriends an asshole and it’s absolutely ridiculous that he would call you transphobic. He needs to be an ex. Like yesterday.

  14. I do think he should have told you, and hell it would have avoided this entire situation.

    There are plenty of things that wouldn’t matter for me, but to people they do matter to, they deserve to know. To hide anything of that nature is to just waste both of your time.

  15. You are correct in this situation. How can you have a relationship without transparency?

    I know this is a sensitive topic, but here’s my POV.
    Transgender people should be able to live normal lives, and get treated like normal people. Human experiences such as love should be normal. However relationships are 2 way streets, if you’re okay dating a trans individual then thats fine. Accepting a trans individual for who they are is one thing but dating them is entirely different. If you’re not okay dating someone who’s trans then that’s also fine, you have a choice and that should be respected.

    In this case, the same way you don’t judge him for being transgender is the same way he should not judge your decisions regarding dating a trans individual. The lack of transparency is a huge lack of respect for you and you’re better off without him. What he’s done has given the actual transphobes legitimate ammunition.

  16. You’re not a transphobe, you just have your preferences as everyone does, and it’s bad communication skills to leave out this kind of information this long so it’s rightful to be upset.

    Break up, move on, find someone better. Sorry this happened to you.

  17. Oh boy.

    You think it matters. He says it doesn’t. So he’s dismissing your feelings. Worse, he implies you’re a transphobe for NOT being ok with being deceived.

    I think this is not a nice person. I can understand why a trans person might conceal being trans at first for their own safety, but when dating someone for 3 months? That’s just deception.

    I wouldn’t want this person in my life. I suspect many other trans people would not agree with him.

  18. Society certainly shouldn’t care how you dress, what gender you choose, or what you do to or with your own body. But when you share yourself with someone, you gotta be open and honest. Springing it your significant other is pretty inconsiderate and self centered.

  19. Firstly I believe you mostly got caught of guard since you had no idea, and then the question about if you’re bi or straight goes.

    I’ll assume that you’re straight.and I’m sorry if this comment come out as not what certain people wanna hear. As well I’m sorry by assuming your sexual preference now. But I think it’s important to be able to tell this opinions as well.

    What I’m going to say bellow is a example as a straight person, and what a straight person as a female may expect.

    You’re not the ahole, he is because well he hid the fact from you, and totally threw you off by well what you saw down there wasn’t what you as a most likely straight person wanted. you’re straight and likes penis. But if the penis is missing well…. And that he hid the fact at all most likely felt violating towards your trust.

    I like my trans friends, but I honestly think no one of them ever would hide the truth about them down there.

    This topic is also quite sensitive today because a lot of people are denial towards the importance of honesty. As a straight girl who loves penis I’d get well.. Thrown of, since I’m not bi and not lesbian. And I tbh don’t really dare to say this but as a straight who wants a man means for me being able to get pumped in bed, by a penis. And for some people ( like me) penis is important in my sexual life, and for someone to say ( it’s not important) is like denying straight people’s preferences.
    And this doesn’t make one trans phobic it just makes one just like any person human with it’s own preference, and we’re free to choose. I like men for a reason (penis) except the penis they’re like any human. I could kiss and make out with any girl but in bed I would only go for a penis. If it makes any sense, it’s just a sexual preference

    Tho at the same time I can imagine how hard it is for people who’ve done transition to find a partner, due people’s expectations. But that’s why honesty before anything is a must. Especially if it’s a potential partner

  20. During the time you got to know each other he could have told you before you two started dating. This is a big wrong doing on his side and it is actually not okay.
    And instead of owning up to the mistake, he has the nerve to slander you? Who didn’t even know he was Trans in the first place? That is so unfair and so uncalled for.

    Either way Honesty is a big key in a relationship and he chose not to even tell you this big information about himself. Don’t feel bad OP or even think you did something wrong. You have the right to feel lost and confused, even hurt by it all, and you have to imprint that into your head that *you did nothing wrong here*

  21. You are not wrong, you are not Transphobic.

    Just as he is entitled to have sexual preferences, you are also. To accuse you of being discriminatory or phobic is him projecting his insecurities and guilt knowing he messed up onto you.

    The expectations are the same, no one has the right to lie and take away their partner’s right of choice.

    I am a single parent, I was upfront about having a kid before agreeing to a first date, ensuring the person who asked me out is given a no pressure choice to decide if they were ok with my dynamic. On a grand scale of things, this is the same.

    If the relationship starts off with a lie, it is doomed to fail. Lying by omission is also a full fledge lie. And when it blows up in your face, the liar does not have the right brush it off or decide the victim should be ok with it or gaslight and call the victim names.

    Your boyfriend has to learn to accept himself first then he will have no qualms of being honest, till then he shouldn’t be in a relationship.

  22. I think you should probably just walk away from this one. Don’t worry about what political correctness says or anything you might be better off if you just skip out on this one. The fact they didn’t mention that to you and the fact that you couldn’t tell probably means it’s not a good move.

  23. Consent is only valid if its informed consent.

    And you get to decide what you do and dont need to be “informed” about, not the other person.

    Had any conversation about trans stuff ever came up before? Anything that might have made it clear what your (entirely normal and reasonable) position was? Because if it did, & he still kept silent, that’s getting real dodgy…

  24. I’m sorry, but good riddance. It is a personal pet peeve of mine when certain entitled people that happen to be LGBT jump to accuse someone of being homophobic (or some people crying racism, like that roommate that claimed OP was racist against Latinas when she protested about the girl taking off her underwear in the living room) when they are called out on their shitty behavior. Like, no. I don’t care that you’re trans, I care that you kept vital information pertaining to our relationship from me. Being LGBT has nothing to do with the fact that you lied to me and took away my choice.

    Sorry you’re dealing with this, OP. Block and move on.

  25. To be entirely frank, it was an incredibly dangerous choice for him not to tell a partner prior to sleeping with them. Baby trans guys – don’t do this. The Panic Defense is still permitted in most places.

    As far as the actual situation – yeah, I don’t know what he expected but does he tend to be online a lot? In actual relationships, you have to communicate expectations and realities with your partner. One day we might get to a point where it’s less of a surprise, but as a transmasc I think if my partner took off their clothes and were missing ANY body part, I’d have a question or two.

    ETA: a lot of people brought up a fear of rejection and that’s probably spot on, as are the comments that making you deal with this while you were vulnerable was messed up.

  26. Sometimes you have to be hood, to make your points good. Out the gate buddy was foul, he knew what you really wanted thats why a secret was kept. He tried building an emotional bond. That way when close time came up, you could be manipulated. Because like most decent people you built an emotional, but that doesn’t mean you didnt want anatomically correct male.

  27. You’re not wrong. He intentionally deceived you for three months and led you to believe he had a penis, when in fact, he had a vagina. It is not transphobic to care what genitals your partner has and it is certainly not transphobic to care that he misled you about what they were for three months.

  28. Same thing happened to me. This is something that should be disclosed before entering a relationship. You’re not to blame for how you feel/reacted, so don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.

    The way he reacted also says a lot about him.

  29. As his girlfriend and seeing that things were leading to that moment, something should have been said. You did nothing wrong. That’s like wanting children and later down the line finding out from a women that she has a hysterectomy.

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