We were together for a year before moving in together. My roommate was moving and the lease was almost up and I couldnt find another roommate soon enough so I moved in with him. Hes great, honestly. Even with how hurt and upset this has left me i cant really find anything bad about him except his bluntness, but hes not american and just more direct culturally.
Anyways. 2 months in he sits me down and tells me hes breaking up with me and I should start looking for a new place. He gave me 30 days. Its just not working, he said. Honestly it caught me off guard because I was loving living with him and thought he felt the same. So i pressed for why and he. Just.unloaded.
Not in an angry way, but you could tell it was a buildup. All his reasons basically make me sound undatable, I didnt think I was that bad of a partner honestly. So I asked him why he didnt consider working on it, because almost all the things he listed I could improve on.
So he goes: ” im not going to spend my best years parenting a grown woman. I didnt expect a 24 year-old to be like this, honestly.’
Like, how tf do I come back from that. Its been 5 months since then and Im just stuck. I saw him in town with a girl the other day and just cried the whole night. How tf do i get both over him and what he said to me
TL;DR got dumped pretty brutally. Still struggling. Any advice?
What exactly did he say? What were his grievances?
If what he said holds water, then you get over it by learning from your mistakes and bettering yourself.
He’s given you concrete feedback and you say others have said similar things so you have a choice; continue as you are and go though this again or take the constructive criticism and work on yourself.
Learn the basics of cooking
Speak to a debt advisor
Follow some instagram accounts that focus on housekeeping/ cleaning to establish a cleaning routine
Get a hobby even if it’s just going to the gym.
Read the news or subscribe to a news app so you are up to date on current affairs. Educate yourself so you can engage in interesting conversations or at least keep up with them
After reading your comments your problem is not learning from past relationships and mistakes. You haven’t worked on yourself. Stay single work on yourself and you’ll have better success in relationships. Be the person people want to date.
>Any advice?
You are being awfully unspecific, it sounds like you feel your problem was getting dumped and not all the things he told you.
At 24 you’re still very young and you should not be so harsh on yourself.
But…
Take this as a life lesson, I know his words stang and they will stay with you for a while, until you improve yourself.
When you live with someone, you do have to pull your weight. Maybe you were never taught to cook, properly clean or manage your finances. The good news is there are lots of free tutorials online on everything. All you need is a will to learn. Also you do need to have some hobbies. It’s not attractive to watch your partner scrolling through socials for too long. Maybe try (indoor) rock climbing, if you’re out of ideas. It’s a good way to meet people, and teaches you so much about strategy and facing your fears.
You may not see it that way now, but he did you a massive favor. At this time, you’re not ready for a relationship and should take a break from dating for a while. Work on yourself first. You got this! 🙂
I read the comment and to me the main issue would be money. Unless it’s a for a big thing the debt would be a problem. If you were in debt from school or something then that’s fine but if you are just raking in CC debt with no end in sight then I’m out too.
Financial literacy is one of if not the biggest factors for me. I don’t want to have to be worried that if we get to an okay place for her to ruin it by spending our money on useless stuff.
The cooking, as long as you’re willing to try and learn, though it didn’t seem like you did since you only attempted breakfast once and never again, then it’s fine. I don’t want to have to cook everything we eat. I like cooking/baking but I couldn’t see being the only person in my house doing it.
On the hair thing, I’m not the cleanest of people but as long as you aren’t trashing the place then I’m fine with it.
Kinda of a blessing really. He communicated effectively some areas that you may be lacking in. How many other partners would’ve / could’ve done that? Take it for what it is. Blessing in disguise.
After reading the reasons the ex gave OP as to why the relationship isn’t working out, I’d say his opinion is valid.
It’s very difficult to hear from other people the things they find wrong with you, but believe me when i say he did you a favor. You want to move on? Reflect on what he said and learn from it, learn how to be a better lover to yourself first & to your future partners.
You need to focus on yourself and make yourself happy. Breaking up with someone you care for is hard.
Being you didn’t see it coming it would be quite the shock.
You need to let yourself feel the emotion you need to feel but don’t wallow too much. You need to pick some goals and work to them.
Do you want to get fit, learn to paint, cook…whatever it is, do something that makes you happy that gets your focus onto something positive.
When you focus on yourself being happy, you’ll care less about your ex.
I’d also advise you and any other young woman to never move in with someone out of convenience. If you take that step it should be because you are certain you want to spend the rest of your life with them. Breaking up when you live together is extremely difficult.
Honestly this doesnt sound brutal. He wasnt happy, communicated it with you and even gave you a month to move out. Maybe the language was harsh but most breakups regress to harshness. I understand it hurts but you gotta move on. Just cause he wasnt the one doesnt mean you are undatable.
Relationships take effort and tbf it doesn’t sound like you made any. Absolutely your partner could have voiced these things as they became issues for him, but that’s maybe something he needs to work on himself.
To be sad after a break up is totally normal, there’s no time line on that, but have you tried working on yourself or doing anything to make you happy with being you since breaking up?
You can’t use him as a scape goat for pointing out genuine issues that you’re aware and taking no responsibility.
24 is such a good age! Work on yourself, have fun and don’t rely on someone else to validate you
> but hes not american and just more direct culturally.
Tell me you’re Dutch, without telling me you’re Dutch.
Sounds the same when a woman says it to a man. “Not going to parent a grown ass man” “not going to parent a grown ass woman”
Being messy in the bathroom is just gross, clean up after yourself especially if you sit around on your phone.
If you really are on your phone that much, look up cooking videos lol
Communication is key in relationships – any relationship not just romantic so you can learn this skill outside of dating.
This has been said to you by other ex’s soooo it’s definitely true.
Yes all of this could easily be worked on but why does someone have to spell it out for you. Do you not notice what you are doing?
Do you not care??
Like everything he listed is bottom of the barrel skills and characteristics everyone should have.
You said he brought up things you can work on………. I would say work on those things…
Oh and go to therapy.
If multiple ex’s have also stated the same things your recent ex did, then don’t you think you should have changed those things about yourself? Did you not seek to improve yourself after your ex’s gave you reasons why they were breaking up with you?
Okay I’ll say this based on your follow up comment: you can’t be bad at cooking AND cleaning when living with a future partner. Next time, pick one to do and let your partner do the other one. Example: my partner loves cooking and baking and I do not, so I do the dishes and most of the laundry. If your bf was doing most of the cooking AND cleaning, then that’s a problem.
I don’t think you were “brutally dumped” but quite the oposite. He was kind enough to give you 30 days to move and patiently explained the reasons why he didn’t like you anymore. I wish I had had that on my previous breakup, which was indeed brutal.
Most of the things he told you are deal breakers and I would work on them. Some traits that you believe might be quirky are actually super amnoying and he was right when he said he didn’t wanted to have to teach you or parent you, those you need to work on your own before you pursue another relationship, believe those are some life improving changes, even if you remain single.
After my brutal breakup I decided to accept each and every single invitation to go out from friends, family, coworkers… even if they took me out from my confort zone and it worked wonders for me. Found new hobbies, life long friendships and I even found love again, which yesterday turned unto a 5 year marriage.
OP you did not get dumped brutally, bf was honest and literally gave you a list of what he did not like. you have admitted here that some of the things you’ve gotten complaints about before. Ex did you a big favor – he said he did not want to parent a grown woman, and he’s right. The debt thing is hard, if your income (or ability to earn) is limited right now. he saw you as a burden for the rest of his life because of this. the rest are challenges that you can fix. Cooking? youtube has that. figure out how to make breakfast, lunch and 2 dinners. if growing up you were not taught this, it’s not your fault but maybe he saw that you were not even trying. and if you sat around and were on your phone all day, that’s a red flag for anyone. YOu get over this hurt by taking a long look in the mirror and making yourself a list of what you need to learn to be a functioning adult in this world.
This is one of the least brutal break-ups ever, honestly.
Wow, this is rough. The stuff you listed that he didn’t like are all things on my red flag list…but that I had in my early 30s. These are all things that I learned I didn’t need to put up with but it took me a lot longer to discern. Basically, he’s ahead of the game. And that’s fine and good even. For him. For you, it just means there’s a compatibility issue and an opportunity for growth.
I’d take a dating sabbatical and work on yourself and make sure of what you want. Figure out a plan for paying down your debt. What 5 meals do you really enjoy and start practicing how to make those 5 meals. No need to be a great cook but it is beneficial to know a few basics. Imagine living with a roommate and practice basic courtesy of cleaning up after yourself. If you live alone, think about not leaving messes for Future You. Develop a hobby that you do regularly rather than doom scrolling. You mentioned sewing. Maybe resume that or try your hand at some fun visible mending. Or something else. But make sure you are doing any of these things not for your ex but just because you want to be a better you.
This is a pure sadness. It’s perfectly reasonable to be sad about this and anyone would be. But— if you dwell on it and use it as a time for self-pity instead of self-reflection, there’s a lot of room for unhealthy coping here. You should talk to other people you know and get out of the house. Remember this: someone somewhere would love you and would be dying to live with you just the way you are. Someone somewhere would find your eccentricities cute. But you probably wouldn’t be into that person. Why? Well, they probably wouldn’t have much self-respect if they’re happy to do all the work in the relationship and expect little in return. So the problem isn’t that you’re undatable. It’s that right now you aren’t going to be easy or fun to live with for someone who has adult preferences. That’s ok. At 24, I would have been awful to live with and no partner would have wanted that. You’ll be ok if you take this as an opportunity
so make a plan to make yourself better. after my ex husband and i split, i didn’t get into a serious relationship until 13 yrs later. i graduated from college, watched lots of Oprah and Dr Phil about marriage/relationships, and marriage #2 is very different from #1 (the guys were very different too).
it’s no crime to be alone, it’s very, very beneficial to ppl and will probably be very beneficial for you.
I’ve broken up with someone for similar reasons as you’ve listed and funnily enough I gave the same reason. I did not want to be parenting someone in their mid 20s, I wanted a partner not a child. It didn’t go down well but she reached out a couple of years later to say she had grown and taken what I said seriously and we are somewhat loose friends at this point.
Weirdly when it’s the other way around I often see women stay with guys who they acting like parents too rather than partners. A mommy they can have sex with. I don’t get it.
You are not alone OP, I think our generation is a little more arrested in its development. A lot of us are getting married later, moving out later, buying homes later if ever.
I felt bad for you at first, but after reading your comments on how you continuously lied to him (either upfront or by omission) about inane things such as knowing how to sew/cook, brushed off his concerns whenever he tried to talk to you, insisted on making purchases way out of your budget like buying the new iphone and etc… I think he had every right to dump you and honestly did you a huge favor by telling you what upset him.
This is barely normal behavior for an 18 year old let alone someone in their 20’s. It sounds like you were blindsided by your ex’s comments, but how did you not feel terrible during this unbalanced relationship? If you truly cared and loved him, why did you let him handle almost every responsibility by himself (cooking, cleaning, finances, etc)?? For example: when you cooked french toast for the first time and it ended poorly, you could have easily asked him for help and I’m sure he would have been happy to teach you. Instead, your pride stood in the way and the poor guy even had to help you clean afterwards. It’s one thing not to know how to do something, it’s another not to put your full effort in trying.
Stop throwing a pity party for yourself and using that as an excuse to not make improvements. By the time you’re whatever age you expect these things to be “normal”, you’ll still be the way you are now if you don’t work on it. This is the time in which you should be working on yourself. You can’t rely on this attitude to carry you through life. Your parents aren’t gonna be around forever, your friends that “act the same way” are gonna learn the same lesson real quick if they continue down that road. You’re still on the young side and can turn things around. Put your ego and pride aside, and push yourself to be a better you!
Hey OP, I think that you need to do some soul searching and decide whether this is something you can change on your own or not. Is it that you were never taught or shown how to cook and clean or is it just hard to motivate yourself to do things like cooking and cleaning?
Depending on your answer, you might want to consider seeing someone professionally. If it’s a skills gap, you can learn on YouTube (I didnt have the greatest home life so I missed out on a lot of the informal family learning). If it’s motivation though, you might have depression, anxiety, ADHD or any of the other issues that contribute to the desire to lay in bed all day. If that’s the case, it’s better to find out now so that you can begin to work on the thing that’s holding you back.
Whatever the issue is, this is clearly hurting you and preventing you from having the life you want so you need to make a change for yourself.
All the best, OP.
Bottom line, if you feel like your undatable than it’s time to work on you for a bit. If you can’t cook then watch some cooking shows, find a few easy recipes on YouTube that interest you and learn.
Your in debt with no savings and evidently no plan. Then start climbing out of the debt and learning about finances.
https://www.amazon.com/SimpleCents-Guide-Manage-Your-Money-ebook/dp/B08T8RPYH9/
You need to feel better about you and where you are in life. The one to improve that is you. When you do, what others say won’t matter.
I mean he is right, you are an adult woman. You are 24 not 16, i dont know the reasons but you mentioned that you can still improve in such aspects. Well work out on them, take a time off relationships and work on yourself. Improve what can be improved and over the time began dating again.
Personally I understand you to a certain level. My last ex seemed so sweet and loved me until one day he just unloaded everything and said I was too childish and mentally ill.
I would say work on yourself. You can’t go back into a relationship the way you are now. You will only destroy yourself and your future partner if you don’t address the issues within yourself. You’re not a bad person, OP. You just have things to work on, and those things *can* be worked on.
I’d recommend learning to cook, not for someone else but for yourself. It takes a lot of work, patience and learning new recipes. It’s difficult at first but trust me, you’ll be proud once you get the hang of it. Some easy recipes are chicken noodle soup, bean stew, and calabasita. I cook those often (despite being terrible at cooking). Looking at the other comments you made, maybe try to find a hobby. There’s tons of things to dive into and be interested, even if it’s simple like sewing or playing guitar. I know on youtube you can find many videos on how to start hobbies.
But most importantly, I’d keep a journal and write every day about what’s going on, how you feel, what you did. Just pour out your feelings. It can be a good tracker for looking back at your thoughts, feelings, etc. Best of luck!
I saw the post with the list.
1. You’re you for you and no one else. I agree with him, but.. we’re not as important as you are. Do you want to change for yourself or no? If no, then that’s fine. Present your true self and you’ll find someone.
2. If you’re willing to change for you (not some dude) then do it. I’m going to skip over the cooking thing bc I’m not sure if he was coming at it in a misogynist way… but cleaning up after yourself, taking time to learn things, and being active are easy things to fix. Debt, pending how bad, not as easy but you can do it.
Focus on yourself and once happy get back into the dating world.
Good for him
I’m sorry that you feel so sad. Honestly, if you were together for over a year and you moved in thinking this is long term, I can see why you still feel sad. You’re mourning your relationship.
First I’ll unpack what happened, and then I’ll give you advice for the future.
This might hurt to hear, but this break up may be a blessing in disguise. Imagine if you were together for years and years and only then realized that you’re incompatible. You’re still so young. You have plenty of time.
Because that’s what this is. Incompatibility. Yes, you can work on yourself. But it sounds like he blindsided you. Like he just held all these things in until he couldn’t take it anymore. That’s not fair. And he’s going to do it to his next partner, and his next one, until he learns to address issues *as they arise.*
As far as how you deal with what he unloaded on you:
* Cooking
You’ve lived to be 24, so obviously you know how to feed yourself. Did he expect you to do the cooking for both of you? Is he a foodie and upset that you’re not? Do you even *want* to know how to cook?
Think about these things, for real. If you don’t care about food, admit it. If you want to learn how to cook, go to the library, check out How To Cook Everything by Mark Bittman, and start small. Or get a food delivery kit that comes with instructions. If you want to learn, you can. If you don’t have any interest in it, that’s okay too.
* Money
Again, this is something you can learn. Do you have a friend or relative who is good with money? Start there. Make a plan. Make a budget. Write things down. Debt can be managed and dealt with.
* Cleaning
Also something that can be learned. Or you can hire a cleaner. There are dozens of YouTube channels that have different approaches to housekeeping. Check them out. Everyone’s tolerance of cleanliness and tidiness is different. You need to find a system that works *for you.*
Becoming an adult is different for everyone. Some people have an easier time than others, depending on their personality, family situation, upbringing, support systems, etc. Most people are deficient in some areas and that’s normal and okay. Everyone needs help with something.
So you need to turn inward. What do you like? Dislike? What are you indifferent to? What do you spend your time doing? When you’re stressed, how do you soothe yourself?
I also recommend therapy. The right therapist can literally be life-changing. Some of what you described – indecisiveness, difficulty communicating clearly – these can be learned. Also, if you have depression or anxiety or are neurodivergent, those can make everyday tasks impossible.
Find a therapist, make sure you click with them. Do the work. It’s hard. It can be very painful. But I can say with utter certainty that I wouldn’t be the adult I am today without it.
Good luck to you. You’re still becoming. It’s okay to be you.
Hi, I wanted to comment because I was in a similar situation once.
I was with my ex for a year, then we lived together for nearly 2 years. We got together when I was 21, and I just left uni so moved in with him at his house with his dad/ family I home.
I then moved home to start a job, finally after like 18 months of looking. I could tell things were a little off but the day we had our 3 year ‘anniversary’, he got me a soft toy as a gift. Now I wouldn’t usually complain, but it was supposed to be a romantic time and about celebrating our relationship.. I got him a framed photo of the stars when we met.. He got me a Teddy. I knew something was up. Anyway, we lived 2 hours appart, and he rang me one day and just couldn’t hide his feelings. He broke up with me and I’m not lying when I say that I cried almost non stop for the next 3 days.
Anyway, moving on. I ended up moving to my aunties house about 4 months after. I was still distraught and it was tough.
I couldn’t move on properly until I stopped talking to him completely.
After about 6 months, I was starting to enjoy being myself and the life I was trying to build. I was slowly on the dating apps, just casually looking and not making too much effort. I ended up talking with a guy and one minute it was just a nice conversation, the next I was getting butterflies.
I only really noticed that I’d let my ex go when I realised just how excited I was to meet this new guy. This was the time I thought that if my ex came back tomorrow begging me to take him back, I wouldn’t want him. I had had time to reflect and realise thst actually there was a lot not great about that relationship!
I’ve now been with my current boyfriend for almost 2 years, and I’m in such a happy and loving place. I’m actually grateful for my ex breaking it off because idk if I’d have been ever strong enough to see the faults. Now I have what I want from a relationship and I can see what I need to be happy.
These things happen for a reason. Better sooner than later, trust me.
He may have done you an enormous favor. Most People don’t have someone in their life who will be absolutely blunt and frank with them and tell them where they need to improve. I know I’d be a better person now if somebody had sent me down 20 years ago.
He gave you a lot to work with and it would be impossible to fix it all at once, those things are just from his perspective. But maybe you could take what he said and see what you agree with and work on those areas of your life.