Me (28M) and my wife (29f) have been together for 3 years, married for 1. My wife is currently working as a resident doctor, so she is gone almost the entire day. She comes back home just to sleep. I work a 9–5 job, so I do all the chores while she can focus on her residency. For the past few months, I have been asking my wife to go out with me when she has her day off, but she has just been super tired and says she will do anything but it has to be inside the house as she cannot go out.
I have talked to her about this so many times, saying I miss going out, but she is never ready to go out and eat. Yesterday, I had enough of this, and while she was working, I went out to eat. One of my friends, who has recently been divorced, was the only one available, so I asked her, and we went out to eat. I knew her even before my wife, but we never had any romantic relationship, and even my wife is well aware of this.
We had fun chatting about our lives. We ate at a nice place, and later that night, I told my wife that as I was missing eating out so much, I went out to eat today. She was initially pleased that I was doing something without her, but when I told her that my friend and I were going out to eat, her entire attitude changed in an instant. She started crying, screaming at the top of her voice and saying, “I am a cheater,” which was not the case. As she was not stopping, I left to let her clear her mind, but when I returned after a few hours, she wouldn’t let me in or let me talk to her. She even called my friend and fought with her about how she was not trying to steal me. Which was never the case.
Right now she is not talking to me at all, and I am staying at my friend’s place, but I want to reassure her that it was not the case. How should I proceed with it?
You said you are staying at your friend’s place, is this the recently divorced woman who you went to dinner with or a different friend?
It sounds like your wife was taken off guard and you both have poor communication about your feelings/needs. Totally fine for you to go out with a friend. It probably would have been good to talk to your wife about your plans. I think you should focus less on making her see your side and more on seeing each other’s sides.
As an uneducated observer I would guess that your wife is feeling insecure about not being able to spend time with you due to work. Residency is exhausting!!! I’m sure it’s also difficult for you. Possibly she felt you were connecting romantically without telling her and that scared her. It sounds like she does want to maintain the relationship but current circumstances are difficult. I would go out with a variety of friends (not just female divorced ones) and talk to your wife about it. Include her in your day even if she isn’t there to share it with you. Then make meaningful plans with her on the weekend even if it’s a picnic in the back yard or patio (I have done this with my spouse, it’s a good time to talk)
It’s clear she is feeling insecure. You are asking for quality time but that is not something she can extend at the moment unless inside the home. She might equate the security of the relationship to being able to meet your needs. So then having you get lunch with a newly divorced female friend signals I’m seeking quality time with people who are “available”.
I truly believe this would have worked out better had you communicated beforehand that you are getting lunch with so and so at this place and time. Full transparency instead of after a long hard day of residency.
You’re kind of conflating two different things: having quality time with your wife, and eating at a restaurant. You’ve been complaining for months that your wife won’t go out to eat at a restaurant with you, but what you really mean is that you want her to spend quality time with you and go on a date. If it was about the restaurant, you would just go out to eat by yourself. If it was about the restaurant, you’d be regularly asking various friends of all genders to accompany you out to meals.
It’s not about the restaurant. It’s about the quality time. You basically told your wife that if she won’t go out with you, you’re going to go out with another woman, and a recently single one at that.
Your relationship might be salvageable if you can listen to your wife’s perspective and apologize, and if you’re staying at a third friend’s house. But if the friend’s house you’re staying at is the same one you just went on a date with, and you don’t understand why that should matter, you might be beyond hope.
Did you tell her all the facts before or after you went out to eat?
Would it have killed you to have run this idea by your wife first? That would have been the respectful way to go about this. The whole tenor of your post is kind of selfish.
Why would she jump to this particular conclusion? What’s missing?
You could have at least told your wife you were going out with your friend. A simple text “hey honey. I know you’re busy at work. I decided to head out to dinner and Jennifer wanted to catch up. I’ll bring you back something from the restaurant so that you have something when you get home. Here’s the menu! Pick anything you want. Xoxo love you!” Simple, easy and also considerate towards your wife’s schedule/ energy levels.
Also….. You’re staying at WHICH FRIENDS house? The divorced woman you went out with or a different friend? If it’s the divorced woman…..do you REALLLLLLLY think that’s a good idea?
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About 50% of Reddit apparently believes going out to a restaurant with an opposite sex friend constitutes “emotional cheating”… how possessive and insecure are you miserable people?
If the gender roles were reversed on this I swear the comments would be way different lmfao.
This is fake. This is the same guy who made a post about himself being 17 having poly parents going on sex trips with other couples. He already deleted that post. I saw that post yesterday and now it’s gone. Christ, people are really hungry for karma and have too much free time for creative writing.
This shocks people. But you CAN go out to eat by your self. There are no rules that state you have to go out to eat.
By saying you missed going out to eat, you’re really saying you miss your dates with your wife. So this other girl would be her replacement.
You could have communicated so much better. You could have said, I missed going out and so I was planning to go to x restaurant and my friend wanted to eat out so she came along.
Man people outside of medicine really have no grasp of how demanding it is. I understand you’re frustrated but the answer here was not going out with a newly divorced woman without running it by your wife first. I don’t get how you don’t see that??
Your wife’s job is so overwhelming that she’s too exhausted to even go out to eat on her days off. You really want to go out to eat.
Your solution? You went out on a fun date with a divorced woman while your wife was at work.
There’s not a side to this story that leaves you in a defensible position. You’re wrong, selfish & foolish. You owe your wife nothing but apologies. Shame on you.
What lots of people are missing is that the most important part of a marriage is missing in OP’s situation, and that is companionship.
It makes no sense being in a relationship if you are all alone. I get that residency is tough, but you must be able to make some time for your partner, to meet at least their emotional needs.
Your wife is threatened because she knows how much her job has caused your relationship to suffer. I don’t think it’s just the fact that you went out with another woman.
And Op you need to be honest with yourself too and realize that seeking the type of companionship a marriage brings outside of your relationship is always a recipe for disaster. I’d say go to counseling but your wife definitely does not have the time. Think long about if you can continue in this lonely relationship before you hurt your wife more.
Most of the time you aren’t allowed your phone in residency. Only having certain times when you are allowed to check them.
OP hasn’t been able to do anything while she has been doing this.
His chores everyone shits on him about, is more than just cleaning after themselves and acting like it isn’t shows your childishness on the matter.
I’m sure the wife will be able to fit in marriage counseling just like time to work on her marriage.
Just because it is a stressful job doesn’t mean you don’t work on your marriage.
The marriage was on the back burner for the wife. It sounds like the OP has been trying for over a year.
He decided to go out 1 time with an old friend since his regulars were busy and she gets upset, because it was the recently divorced friend.
It was a wake up call to her on her insecurities because she is realizing she put the marriage on the back burner to solely focus on her career. Which is good, but doesn’t excuse not planning a single date night in over a year.
Show her naked pictures of your naked friend. That will confirm her suspicions which were driving her crazy and thus will calm down.
I could only imagine if this story was the other way around… lol
I’m a second year medical student.. Haven’t reached residency, hell I’ve not even reached internship yet.. There’s still 3 years left for it..
Medical is a frigging hard line..
In my high school life was different, and now it’s totally different.. I can’t do anything besides study and hospital.. Life sucks during these periods..
She might just be emotionally and mentally exhausted.. It happens.. I cried in front of my gf, for the first time ever, that how my life sucks right now.. But yeah, we need to keep hustling..
She might just be drop dead tired and can’t work out anything.. I’m only in my second year.. I can only imagine how residency will be like..
You obviously have very different opinions on cheating. Hers are quite out there. You should be allowed to communicate and interact with females the exact same as you would any other gender. Unless it’s sexual I would never consider it cheating.
I’m a married woman (25F) and I might get some hate but I side with OP. It seems like going out for dinner with someone you like (friend or partner) is something important to you and your well being, and it’s completely harmless if you’re a decent person. This is a need that wasn’t being met and it’s very valid that OP wants his needs to be met. You’re a person too and I know that for me personally I would go crazy if I couldn’t leave the house.
However, you could have told her first, and see how she would feel about it. She probably overreacted because in her mind, you went behind her back while she was working her ass off and doesn’t get to do anything fun (it’s understandable that a doctor is too exhausted on their one day off and just wants to sit/sleep) so you just decided to “replace” her with another female figure. To someone who’s overworked and under a lot of stress, something minor can escalate quickly. Also, are there other issues in your marriage? Does she have any reason to feel insecure about your loyalty to her? Is it possible that she’s also feeling lonely and that on her limited time off, all she needs is her husband to be there and watch Netflix or something?
How long is her residency and does her future career depend on it? I’m pretty sure it’s a fairly big deal.
Right now your wife is likely under immense physical and emotional pressure. Shes not sitting somewhere typing out poems, she could be dealing with very serious medical situations on the daily, and all of the associated stresses.
My guess is residency is hugely important but wont last forever, but while its happening she is under huge stress.
I’m sorry to day it but you’re behaving like a petulant child complaining about not having enough fun.
My sympathy here definitely lies with your wife. You dont seem able to ride out the difficult times with her without resorting to doing a date type activity with a freshly divorced female friend.
The message you are sending your wife here is a dangerous one. You’re letting her know that if she doest sacrifice her only day off to go do activities that make you happy, that you’ll simply replace her with another woman.
You dont have to travel to far in your mind to wonder if that would extend to sexual favour.
Your wife might be somewhat over reacting, but you absolutely set her up for it.
Not impressed with you my friend.
He was telling his wife how much he misses going out but wife doesn’t have time so he got a recently divorced friend to go with him
NOPE you can’t do that
this thread is villainizing a dude because he had lunch with a friend after his wife repeatedly refused to go out with him.
oh he should have cleared it with his wife first. oh he shouldnt go out with the friend because theyre single. oh he should just understand. oh oh oh.
this sub fucking sucks, just people piling on OP because their shit sucks and they want to drag someone down.
Posts like this one makes me see that emotional intelligence is such an underrated gift
Here’s the problem here.
You wanted something from your wife. Your wife turned you down. You went to another woman to get that thing you wanted.
It’s nowhere near the typical “relationship ending ‘thing'” (sex), but it could easily be seen as “emotional cheating.” You’ve made it clear that if you want something from your wife that she isn’t willing to give, you’ll go out and get it from another woman who was recently divorced without consulting your wife beforehand.
It’s a jump to say that you’re cheating on her, but not nearly the chasm that you think it is. Especially if your wife has a history of being cheated on.
I think the goal here is to see it from her point of view, not to try to get her to see it from your point of view. Understanding your point of view (i.e. I wanted something you weren’t giving me so I went to a recently divorced friend) isn’t going to help.
Best thing to do is apologize to her, understand how it could look bad, then assure her that isn’t the case. She has got to be stressed between work and not being able to maintain her relationship with you. I’m sure she’s terrified that she’s letting you slip.
Having done a surgical residency there’s probably a few extra things at play here. She may be extremely fatigued and unable to control her feelings well because of the work, but even more she might mentally unwell from the stress of her job. She might need help. Always wanting to stay in when she’s not at work is a red flag to me.
Also, she may be very insecure in the relationship if she knows she’s “failing” at it by not being present and doing things with you.
The main thing I’d stress is make sure she’s safe.
This is weird to me. I would never be bothered if my partner went out to lunch with a female friend. He does often. I know who they are, I know their relationship. I don’t consider them “dates” at all. My partner asks me often to go out for the evening or get some lunch when I get off work. I’m tired from work, school, parenting, life. Don’t always have the energy. I could really give a flying if he goes to lunch with a female friend. He’s mine, we have a good relationship, I trust that everything is platonic. It sounds like your wife straight up doesn’t trust you. Is she a naturally jealous person? Have you done something to her in the past like this to make her not trust you? You didn’t cheat…unless you did. You’re an adult and you know what would define cheating here. I don’t think you did. The only part I agree with your wife on is telling her after the fact who you went with. Other than that, I think she’s stressed out and tripping. Relationships take two. If she doesn’t want to keep dating her spouse, it’s going to fail anyway. It doesn’t take a lot of energy to go grab lunch for an hour on her day off. She needs to put in work too no matter how busy she may be. She committed her life to YOU, not her job.
According to Reddit I have to ask for permission to go out and have dinner with my lifelong female friends. I can’t believe people actually think that is in any way healthy. But it’s Reddit, grains of salt.
Your wife is working an insane amount of hours and is not thinking rationally.
From her perspective, you did a couple thing with another woman, ergo you’re cheating. It doesn’t make sense, but my guess is she’s overwrought, exhausted, and afraid of being replaced.
Is a counselor a possibility here?
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