Saturday, April 1, 2023
HomeRelationship AdviceI (31M) overheard my fiance (29F) talking to her friends about how...

I (31M) overheard my fiance (29F) talking to her friends about how she sees me and I’m crushed

We met in college and remained just casual acquaintances at the time. We both took a couple of the same classes and hung out a few times – stayed in contact but never too terribly close. We both graduated and a few years later we reconnected after randomly running into each other after we unknowingly both moved to the same city. It was around that time that my career really took off. A few senior engineers from my company recruited me for a startup they had been working on. We got a few big clients and VC funding pretty early on so within a few years the money really started to roll in.

She and I started dating, and honestly, up until now i’ve been nothing but happy. Things were going great and I felt like I was really close to her. I’ve been nothing but doting and appreciative of her. This all began to shift last week when I overheard her talking to her friends about how she views me. I had planned to work later than usual but came home early with a stomach ache and went to lie on the bed. I must have fallen asleep for about 2 hours, but when I woke up, I could hear her in the living room with some of her friends while they were drinking.

The conversation was pretty casual until they started talking about the wedding and our relationship in general. Through the laughter she went on to describe how she had landed herself the perfect rich s\*mp. How she basically controlled me and how I would give her the life she always wanted. I was just a tool for her to use. Her friends thought it was hysterical and egged her on. I know she was drinking and I know maybe she was joking, but for me the trust is gone. I don’t feel like I can still marry her when i’ve heard in her own words that she sees me this way.

When she later went to the bedroom, she seemed surprised to see me, but she also assumed i’d been asleep. I haven’t confronted her yet and i’m just dreading canceling the wedding which is scheduled for next April

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  1. You can leave her. I left my fiance, and it seemed impossible to do at the time, but I did it, and it was absolutely the right choice. If you were to put yourself in her shoes, could you imagine saying such things? That’s all you really need to know.

    Sorry friend, just know you did nothing wrong. There are serious character issues with her though, issues she has already chosen are alright with her.

  2. You can never trust this woman again.

    There are two elements to being a good partner:

    How you treat your partner when you are with them and how you treat them when you are *not* with them.

    *At best* she has treated you unbelievably shitty when she is not with you. She has boasted to her friends that you mean nothing to her, they have egged her on and laughed at your expense and she has chosen to make that happen. She has belittled you and treated you like nothing to get a laugh to improve her own reputation with a bunch of women who can only be awful people.

    That alone is enough to never trust her again. Even if what she said she didn’t mean. It doesn’t matter who I am with, I have always defended my wife and sung her praises and I am very confident she has done the same with me- even at times when her family were pressuring her horribly to slag me off.

    And that’s all assuming she was joking, and I doubt she was- it’s not something someone would make up just for reputation points.

    As I say, she has eliminated all trust either way.

  3. I think you are totally right to want to cancel everything. When you have lost trust, there isn’t really a way back from that.

    Be brave, this is going to get worse before it gets a lot better. Good luck, don’t keep putting it off.

  4. Don’t be the tool she thinks you are. Get your ducks in a row housing and logistics wise, money too, and GTFO. So what if the wedding is canceled. Happens all the time and by March you will be happier.

  5. Oh man. Very sorry buddy, but you have to break it up asap, prolonging it will not help anything. Even if that was a joke and embellished for the sake of the idiot friends, one could never trust again after such a shitty thing.

    Honestly it a good thing that you found out now, before she got pregnant or something, yikes

  6. This is a no brainer. You need to break up with her. She obviously doesn’t love you and only cares about your money and the type of life you can provide.

    Honestly, this is also a huge fear of mine. I would suggest once you break up, try to find a woman who is also successful so there is no doubt she loves you for you.

  7. It’ll hurt to cancel. But it’ll hurt a lot less than getting married, having kids, then her divorcing you and taking half your assets plus spousal support 10 years down the road.

    Do yourself a giant favor and save yourself that nightmare.

  8. That’s not your fiancée , that’s an awful ex that hurt you now , but in the future you’ll thank your lucky stars that you heard what she thinks of you before it’s too late .
    It might not seem lime it at the moment, but you’ll get over it , relying on those that truly love and care for you at this time is a must , take care of yourself and best of luck

  9. Well you would be foolish to marry her now that you know what you mean to her. A big steady paycheck and a divorce with alimony when it suits her. Maybe take your kids away to boot. Nope out

  10. Well atleast her true colors shone through in brilliant form before you made the mistake of walking down the isle with that POS of a human…

    They always say drunk thoughts are sober actions so consider it a huge bullet dodged…

    It is always good to know where you stand with people…walk away buddy and focus on your career

  11. Sorry man, time to move on, cancel the wedding and find someone that wants you for you, not what you can provide financially. It may not be the case but it does seem a bit convenient that you didn’t start dating until after you started doing really well.

  12. You should have told her that surprised look on her face is the same one you had when you heard her talking about you with her friends. And just sit back and watch her try to back pedal.

  13. Just remember op. Being drunk doesn’t mean you become a different person. You have full control over your actions and your words. Alcohol merely lifts your inhibitions.

    She said that to her friends because she genuinely thinks that’s on some level.

    Any woman, that will happily disrespect her man like that, even as a joke is a liability. Thanks God you found out before signing that document.

    Walk away. Dump her, learn why she felt like that about you. Correct where you went wrong and keep it moving.

    Your 30s are when things get a lot better for you with women anyway. She did you a favour.

  14. If I’ve learned nothing else in all my years on the planet, I’ve learned that drinking usually seems to bring out someone’s true feelings. Then if it’s not what another person likes and they confront them. The drinker will always say “oh I was just joking. We were drinking. It was nothing.” Except No, it’s always something.

    OP should pay attention! What she said is definitely a red flag. If he does have money like she says, she may just be setting him up for an eventual divorce down the road. A divorce where she can clean his clock and set herself up for a very long time off of his hard-earned cash. And everyone knows it wouldn’t be the first time that somebody did something like this.

  15. You should end it. That bell cant be unrung. However, if you want to try to stay in this relationship let her know what you heard and that the only way the trust can be rebuilt is if she signs a prenup. How she answers after a prenup being brought up will give you even more insight on her character.

  16. If it’s any consolation, with a partner like that, it wouldn’t be all that difficult to find someone better, given the low bar she’s set for herself.

    In all seriousness, your relationships dead. Continuing it would be redundant given the circumstances. If you want further proof confront and weigh her reaction. Odds are she’ll turn to anger, once the crocodile tears fail to convince you of her “remorse”. If she reacts in sadness, and accepts your choice then maybe there’s more to it, but I doubt it’ll go that route.

    People joke and say stupid things when drunk and with friends. I could maybe brush off her saying she lucked out in being with someone so successful, but that obviously wasn’t the extent of it. Take her words at face value, and ask yourself whether you’ll willingly marry someone like that. Your better off my guy.

  17. You deserve more than this. Even if she was joking It says a lot that she would degrade you and devalue your relationship just for a few laughs from her friends.

    Personally I wouldn’t want to marry someone like that, also if you don’t trust her you shouldn’t marry her.

  18. There are so many good women out there who would actually cherish someone like yourself who is hard-working and would meet your standards of appreciation and love. Your fiancé is not the “end all, be all.” She mostly just sounds cruel, why would she tell her friends that drunk or not: “sober thoughts on a drunk mind,” my friend. Find someone who actually loves and values you.

  19. Most of my mom’s family are alcoholics. One of the biggest lies I’ve ever heard (besides “I’ll never drink again *I swear*” -eyeroll-) is “you’re not the real you when you’re drunk”. **No**. You are, in fact, the *most real* version of yourself when drunk. Your inhibitions are lowered, honesty is heightened, because it simply takes too long to plot and lie while alcohol loosens your tongue. Through alcohol, I’ve learned most of my mom’s family sees me and my other siblings as potential ATMs at their convenience, and are bitterly disappointed when one of us aren’t successful enough to mooch off of.

    Your girlfriend has shown her true colors and sees you as little more than a cash cow. If you’re into financial domination, probably won’t be an issue. The fact youre here asking for help suggests not though. My personal advice, don’t even give her a chance to walk this back. She’ll just lie or sweet talk her way out of it (coming from experience; once they’re sober it’s all honey and sugar, a facade). End things with her and move on, and in the future, carefully screen who you associate with, and I do mean *everyone*. When you’re successful, everyone from friends to family to dates are likely to try and edge in with one hand out for money and the other behind their back with a knife. Does this suck? Yes. Is it less true because of that? Not in the least.

    When screening people, keep an eye out for behavior like asking if you can afford expenses on their behalf, asking you to take them somewhere to eat, then picking something out of their price range and expecting you to cover, asking or even demanding “loaning” money that they never intend or likely would never be able to pay back, planning out wildly expensive celebrations/vacations/outings/etc. You want a girl who’s just as happy with a $30 ring from Etsy, who’s down to earth and respects you for who you are, not how much you can spend on her. If she starts pestering you for money, expensive dates, fancy gifts and whatnot, there’s your red flags. There are people out there who will be your friend/partner/family from a genuine place of care and not just for what you have in your bank account, but you might have to do a good bit of weeding to find the good ones.

    Best of wishes OP, remember the prettiest rainbows can come from the harshest of storms.

  20. Don’t let her convince you that she was just joking or that alcohol was to blame. You heard her true thoughts, spoken in an environment in which her guard was down and she was the most comfortable. You will NEVER forget this. And unfortunately, if you stay with her then you prove her right.

    Time to move on my friend.

  21. Why are you dreading cancelling the wedding?

    Honestly mate, you need to have a wedding cancelling party and invite everyone!! Your ex and her friends included.


    That’s a solid win, there are plenty of fish in the sea and the perfect fish will love and cherish you!

  22. Do what you have to do even if that means canceling any thoughts of a wedding. She saw the chance and took advantage of you. Don’t settle for that bullshit. Trust me. The right person will love you for you. Not for your money or any opportunities they can and could take advantage of. Never settle for less. And she’s included. If you’re not careful then you’ll be settling for someone that sees you less than and you don’t deserve that. No one does. Please do what’s best for you even if that means saying goodbye to her for good because she seems to be treating you as a joke and that alone is not cool. It is not okay whatsoever

  23. You need to leave her. It will be terribly hard but you don’t need someone like this in your life. Get someone that genuinely loves you for you. Not for your money. I would talk to her about it first but she will likely say she was just joking. What she said is nothing to joke at. She is obviously two faced. Good luck brother

  24. I’ve heard when people are intoxicated they can be quite truthful. I don’t think this was a joke, even it it was, it was cruel, disrespectful and hurtful. I think you should reevaluate your situation. Your fiance views you different as somewhat a simple minded cash machine that has you wrapped around her finger. If you marry her consider a pre-nup. Otherwise cancel the wedding and find a lady that deserves you. She really doesn’t.

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